That’s because he didn’t know what a tidal wave of raw outrage he’d provoke from Lindsay Lohan’s millions of adoring fans. Well, OK, not really adoring. And there weren’t millions of them, either. And the term ‘fans’ is pushing it as well, come to think of it.
In fact, the sum of the backlash that Barack Obama has faced after turning down Lindsay Lohan’s offer of help is one email. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad that wasn’t even directly addressed to Barack Obama and was only written because Lindsay Lohan’s dad is weirdly compelled to make a public comment about Lindsay Lohan every time she even so much as farts because he wants to make up for being a bad father. So, yeah, watch out Obama you big sod.
Barack Obama is in no position to turn down anyone’s help at the moment. Thanks to Sarah Palin and her incredible reproducing children, John McCain is creeping slowly into the lead in the polls ahead of November’s general election. So Barack Obama needs all the help he can get, even if it comes from mostly-naked former childstars who spent most of last year zig-zagging between police stations, jails, morgues and rehab.
Except, no, Mr Barack Obama is too much of a bigshot to want the help of a needy, trouble-addicted career opportunist like Lindsay Lohan, which is why he so rudely declined Lindsay’s offer of help recently.
And, quite rightly, this snub has got Lindsay Lohan’s dad in a right old state. Michael Lohan, you see, stands 100% behind everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does, unless it has anything to do with other girl’s minges. And he’s so incensed about Obama’s refusal to see the latent potential within Lindsay that he’s felt the need to speak out publicly about it.
So it must be serious, because Michael Lohan has a strict policy of only publicly commenting on Lindsay Lohan’s life when she does anything at all no matter how completely bloody inconsequential it all is.
In an email to Fox News, Michael Lohan made the very good and not at all startlingly misinformed point that Barack Obama should have definitely taken Lindsay Lohan up on her offer because he’s only going to be the executive leader of the planet’s sole superpower and she’s making a film about a lady who pretends to be pregnant. Seriously:
“Lindsay is gifted — she has a wonderful heart and she can and will affect millions of people in a very positive way. She is here to stay. Obama might have eight years, and then he will be giving lectures. Who knows, maybe Lindsay will give him a part in one of her movies.”
Actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Look at it this way – as it is Lindsay Lohan is recognised as a terrible actress with a hopeless reputation that she occasionally supplements with the odd bit of nudey work, so in eight years’ time it’s almost a scientific inevitability that Lindsay Lohan will be churning out micro-budget direct-to-DVD softcore erotic thrillers. And Barack Obama would rule at being at those, perhaps starring as a randy policeman or a private dick with an itch to scratch.
Oh wait, no, we’re going to have to stop. We brought a bit of dinner up. Sorry.