Now, most of you probably read as much as 'Eva Longoria Sex Tape' in the headline just then and instinctively started clawing at your eyes and bellowing abuse at God, but prise the fingernail from your retina and relax – it's not true.
Well, it's sort of not true – there is an Eva Longoria sex tape, but it's not a real Eva Longoria sex tape. It's a joke sex tape that Eva Longoria made for FunnyOrDie.com with some comedian we've never heard of, and the whole thing's about as hilarious as terminal illness. But that didn't stop newspapers from hearing the phrases 'Eva Longoria' and 'sex tape,' smooshing the two together and making everyone believe that there really was an Eva Longoria sex tape so such an extent that a small army of frustrated hormonal teenage boys are currently marching on Eva Longoria's house right now with flaming torches, where they'll demand at least a bit of nip action from her to make up for this perceived slight.
We're starting to get the feeling that Eva Longoria only lives to break our heart, the big tease. For instance, Eva Longoria always talks about her vagina but never gets it out, Eva Longoria won't make that oft-discussed lesbian sex movie with Beyonce and when Eva Longoria fell over on the Desperate Housewives set she only bruised her ribs instead of shattering her jaw so badly that lost the ability to speak for a few perfect weeks. We're just not sure how much teasing we can take from Eva Longoria any more.
And yet it keeps coming. Recently the internet exploded with the rumour that there was an Eva Longoria sex tape. That's right – Maxim's near-permanent sexiest woman alive was said to made her own sex tape where, for the first time ever, you'd be able to see all the parts of Eva Longoria that you'd only seen graphic, near-pornographic outlines of in the past. Only thing is, just like the Meg White sex tape, the Eva Longoria sex tape is a fake. Even though it exists. Sort of. Here's The Daily Dish:
Eva Longoria is giggling about a rumored sex tape scandal — because she and new husband Tony Parker are too "square" to film their lovemaking. The "Desperate Housewives" star insists British tabloids, which broke the story overnight, have missed the joke in a spoof sex tape she filmed with comedian Perry Hilton for Web site FunnyOrDie.com. The chuckling actress insists she and her husband have never filmed themselves in the bedroom. She says, "Everybody was calling me (when the story broke) going, 'Oh my God…' "We never made a tape… We're very square, boring people."
How square and boring is Eva Longoria? Effing square and boring, because here's the supposed Eva Longoria sex tape that started this whole scandal in the first place and, as you're about to find out, your eyes are going to glaze over about 15 seconds in…
See? It was a spoof sex tape for FunnyOrDie – so presumably this video came from the 'die' section. In real life Eva Longoria would never make a sex tape with her husband Tony Parker, and even if she did it'd probably be underwhelming because – if the one episode of Desperate Housewives we've ever watched is an accurate representation – Eva Longoria doesn't take her bra off during sex.
The important thing, though, is that you don't feel cheated by not seeing an actual Eva Longoria sex tape. As shoddy as the spoof sex tape is, we personally like eating and being able to close our eyes without shrieking in terror at the bad images too much to want to sit through a genuine one.
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Smoodge the Naked says
Right, didn’t she say Tony was crap in bed anyway?
Adam Gade says
Yeah, she said she was the “teacher” in bed. And then a while after, she did a complete 180 and said that Tony was the teacher. Probably just an appeasement to his ego and so he wouldn’t get pantsed in the locker room anymore.
Heidi says
Okie Dokie. I’m off to the optometrist now.
Gilbert Wham says
Who?
MySpace Addons says
An attempt to revive a dieing career.