When you're a celebrity, everybody wants something from you; maybe it's an autograph, maybe even something as simple as a smile from time to time or maybe – if you're Yoko Ono's driver – $2 million of cold hard blackmail-obtained wonga.
According to reports, 50-year-old Koral Karsan has been arrested for allegedly trying to blackmail Yoko Ono, who employed him as a driver. Karsan is alleged to have demanded $2 million from Yoko Ono or else he'd publish pictures and audio tapes of her, which would be a big deal if everyone didn't already a) know what Yoko Ono looks like and b) how she sounds when she talks. Other than that, it would have been the perfect crime.
December is never the best of months for Yoko Ono. This is partly because her husband John Lennon was brutally gunned down and murdered by a crazed fan in December and partly because of all the blooming queues of Christmas shoppers at Asda at this time of year. Yoko Ono has yet to find a solution to the last one, but after 26 years she's starting to make ground on the former by trying to establish a sort of International Day Of Forgiveness on the anniversary John Lennon's death. But it's hard to forgive the world for its imperfections when there's a middle-aged Turk driving you around and allegedly making death threats against you, as Yoko Ono is discovering. BBC News reports:
Karsan's alleged blackmail attempt is said to have taken place last week, on the 26th anniversary of the murder of Ono's husband, John Lennon. Ono's security staff say Karsan dropped off a letter and a photograph of Ono in nightclothes to the artist's apartment in New York, where she once lived with the former Beatle. Staff told detectives that in his "rambling" note, Karsan claimed to have secretly photographed Ono and made recordings of her private conversations – apparently while she was in the car with him. The driver warned he would make the material public if she did not pay him, police said.
And this is what Karsan wanted $2 million for – pictures of Yoko Ono in her nightie. It's hard to see exactly where this apparent plan was going to work on so many different levels. Firstly, tapes of Yoko Ono in private conversation aren't bound to be that exciting, since Yoko Ono is legally obliged to dedicate 96% of all her spoken words to mentioning how nice John Lennon was. Secondly – pictures of Yoko Ono in her nightie? What's the point of that, seeing as how Yoko Ono is on the sleeve of the Two Virgins album with both her hoo-hahs and her flapjack on full display? And isn't Yoko Ono like a million years old anyway? Bleurgh.
Perhaps sensing that this was possibly the shittest alleged blackmailing since records began, Karsan apparently decided to up the ante by making death threats towards Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon in a conversation that the police claim to have recorded, although he denies all charges. Still, guilty or not, at least all this gives Yoko Ono's slave Elliot Mintz a bit of a break from trying to explain away all the dumb shit that Paris Hilton gets up to, saying:
"She is one woman who has been through enough. For an employee – especially a trusted employee who drove her – to attempt a shakedown has left her just absolutely shocked. You're reminded that this takes place around that time of the anniversary, when she is in a particularly vulnerable position. It just adds insult to injury. This one's really cold."
Yoko Ono seems to be in the news a lot lately, doesn't she? If she isn't possibly getting blackmailed by employees, she's not forgiving Mark Chapman again or slagging off Paul McCartney or suing record companies for $10 million. Why the sudden burst of activity from Yoko Ono? We're starting to get the impression that she resents her recent demotion to second-most hated Beatle wife after Heather Mills decided to divorce Paul McCartney, and is putting a lot of effort into reminding people that she invented people not liking women who marry Beatles. However, Yoko needs to step up – especially now that Ringo's wife Barbara is planning to do a shit on the pope's hat from a helicopter on Christmas day.