You know that girl who Lindsay Lohan keeps traipsing around hand in hand with, the one widely regarded by everyone to be her girlfriend?
Well, guess what? She is Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend. Sort of. We think. In a telephone interview with a radio station on Monday, Lindsay Lohan explained that she had been going out with Samantha Ronson “for a very long time” – the closest she’s ever come to publicly admitting a lesbian relationship.
Goodness. First Clay Aiken and now Lindsay Lohan. Today really seems to be the day for admitting long-kept secrets about your sexuality. And, thanks to this spirit of openness, we’ve decided that it’s our turn too – Mum, Dad, we only get aroused by watching pregnant midget lesbian poo porn. But only if one of the midgets is an amputee and the other one is dressed like Ringo Starr as the Pope from Lisztomania.
Too much?
Samantha Ronson has undoubtedly been good for Lindsay Lohan. Since they began their friendship several months ago, Lindsay Lohan’s life has turned around completely. We’ve seen no arrests, no hopeless stabs at rehab and – most importantly of all – our screaming night terrors over the thought of Lindsay Lohan putting her mouth over the end of Calum Best‘s penis have fallen by as much of 30%.
But it’s important to remember that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are just friends. Normal platonic friends just like you and your same-gender best friend. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might spend every waking moment together hand in hand and occasionally indulge in the odd kiss and cuddle, but that’s what all same-gender friends do. All of them. And if they don’t, they’re definitely thinking about it.
However, some absurd fools have been recently suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be a bit, you know, gay. Apparently Lindsay Lohan has been doing some unquestionably gay things lately, like wanting to marry Samantha Ronson and thinking about voting Democrat. But this was all just speculation, at least until Monday.
Because on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was talking to DJ Ted Stryker on the syndicated radio show Loveline when she all but admitted a lesbian relationship with Ronson. Here’s the juicy part of the conversation:
Stryker: “You guys, you and Samantha, have been going out for how long now? Like two years, one year, five months, two months?”
Lohan: “For a very long time.”
Now we know what you’re thinking. This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, so perhaps we shouldn’t take this admission at face value. While it’s perfectly feasible to assume that Lindsay and Samantha are a lesbian couple, she may have also said this to deliberately provoke the media, or even just to send her dad into more of an apoplectic spaz-dribble.
But, what the hell, let’s just assume that Lindsay Lohan really is a lesbian. And good for her. This now means that she can move onto the next stage of her career, which involves crying about puppies on TV and gaining stalkers who are prepared to blow up airports just to catch her eye. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.