When you have a daily, long-running TV show named after yourself, it becomes an extension of your personality – so when you give away a dog that you shouldn't have, the show becomes the place where you blubber relentlessly about it.
Thank goodness that Ellen DeGeneres has finally decided to exploit that loophole, then. On yesterday's edition of Ellen DeGeneres' daily daytime TV show Ellen, she opened the show not with a mood-setting humorous monologue, but with a borderline disturbing sobbing tantrum because she gave her pet dog to her hairdresser when she wasn't allowed to and got told off for it. And, really, fans of watching happy go lucky lesbian talkshow hosts break down in a way that'll make you experience a microsecond of pity before it's swamped by the compulsion to start screaming "Pull yourself together, you infuriating red-eyed ninny!" at your monitors should really stick around and watch the video of Ellen DeGeneres crying that we've got.
Animals, as well we all know, are crap. Noisy, hairy shitting machines who only live to drag the corpses of other animals into your house, the lot of them. And yet celebrities love their animals. If Alicia Silverstone and Sadie Frost aren't getting naked to save animals then Paul McCartney is dressing up as a dough-faced tangerine to stop seals getting hit on the head. Some celebrities even love animals so much they wear coats made from their fur, which is a huge sign of affection. We love sausages, for example, but we don't love them enough to wear a coat made of sausages.
Anyway, no celebrity loves animals as much as Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres loves all animals so much that she's sort of become an unofficial spokesperson on their behalf, or at least she would if only she'd be able to talk lucidly about animals instead of bursting into tears and sniffling "WHYYYYYY?" at the top of her voice every time she thinks an animal injustice has been done. Like yesterday, for example, when a grief-stricken Ellen DeGeneres decided to slash open her heart and tell viewers of Ellen about her tremendous heartache. The Boston Herald reports:
Skipping her usual dance routine, a somber-looking Ellen walked out to audience applause on her TV chatfest yesterday and took a seat in her hostess chair. “Today is a hard day for me … ” the comedian sniffed before breaking down in tears. “I am not capable of coming out and pretending to be funny when things are going so terribly wrong right now.”
Why? What's wrong Ellen? Has someone died? Been diagnosed with an awful illness? It sounds awful, Ellen. Tell us. Quickly Ellen, you're getting us worried now.
Ellen DeGeneres then went on to tearfully explain that she got a dog from a rescue agency last month, but somewhat surprisingly the dog didn't like her cats, so Ellen decided to give the dog away to another family, breaking the terms of the rescue agency's contract. So the dog has gone back to the care home. That's it. A dog that was in a care home is back in a care home. Needless to say Ellen DeGeneres didn't take the news well. Watch Ellen DeGeneres' breakdown for yourself…
Needless to say, it's hugely uncomfortable to watch a woman break down in tears like this, especially a woman so rational that she actually bribed a vet to let a recently-neutered dog sleep in bed with him. And to make matters worse, Ellen DeGeneres' embarrassing sob-attack couldn't have been avoided either, because it's not as if she could have simply arranged for the family to formally adopt the dog from the agency themselves, or bought them a new dog, or something. Is it.
Anyway, this mental little outburst has no doubt affected the future of Ellen DeGeneres' career, especially any hope that she'd get to host the Oscars again. Face it – the last thing the organisers want is someone who, in the middle of the witty Jack Nicholson-referencing opening song, breaks down in an unstoppable flood of snotty tears because she's just remembered the time she read a story about a hamster that was stuck in a fucking shoe once.
Read more:
Ellen's Puppy Love Turns Out To Be Cryin' Shame – Boston Herald
Tim says
WTF are you talking about? Man, if you think it’s unusual to cry over something like this you’ve missed out on the American Pet revolution that’s been occurring for the last 2 decades.
The Katrina pets and Michael Vick were not anomolies. People are as serious about their pets as they are their children. If you can’t see that then why would I bother to read the rest of your crap. You’ve missed the point. and the boat.
Internet Pedant says
My hand’s up; not being American, or a pet, I have certainly missed the American pet revolution.
Anyway, the pet-lover now has hoards of goggle-eyed loons gunning for a pet shelter. For, you know, putting the dog first. Viva la revolucion!
Tracy says
I think you’re an uncompassionate dick.
Adam Gade says
Wasn’t the boat carrying the point, Tim? I know of no revolution over here by the way. But seriously, I’d have given the damn cats away before any dog. At least Ellen will have Jodie Foster to comfort her…
Heather Gerard says
Ellen,
You are in the right on this whole matter. I have adopted a dog from a local shelter and too signed that same paper, but I would be damn if I would send him back there. When I know someone would love and care for him like you know those girls would!!!! I wish there were people in this world like you that would take on a pet and see that if they can not take of it do not take it to a shelter find it a good home. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT THE SHELTERS!!!!!!! EVEN IF THEY SAY “NO KILL”
Heather Gerard
Johnson City, TN
Clusterbuster says
Poor Ellen can’t read or follow rules, admits her mistake and wants others to amend the rules so she can avoid her guilt. This is pathetic as is she.
Free Iggy says
Get your “FREE IGGY” Shirts, Hats, Buttons, Mugs, and more here:
http://www.cafepress.com/myshirtsucks/3861942
Show your support for Ellen!!!!
Heidi says
Stuart, I don’t think you’re a dick who lacks compassion. I still love you. I DO think that Ellen should’ve read the contract she was given before she signed it, though. This isn’t just one of those “take ’em home before we kill ’em” shelters. They’re the kind who check up on everything. I have a relative who used one once. Now, they’re getting death threats from Ellen fans. Way to scare off more well-meaning animal rescues.
Der Golem says
“Animals, as well we all know, are crap. Noisy, hairy shitting machines who only live to drag the corpses of other animals into your house, the lot of them.”
Amen, brother, TESTIFY! Frackin’ animal rights blowholes. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, people are dying, wars are raging, disease is rampant, our one and only President is running amok through the Constitution and she’s crying about some damn dog?
We are a silly species.
Pamalamadingdong says
Geez. I love Hecklerspray and read it everyday, but this entry sucked. It sounds like she was really upset about how sad the little girls were about losing the puppy. If she would have lied, it would have been no problem. But she didn’t do that. I truely believe that celebrities are fair game, but I didn’t think the article was funny…
alicia says
Stuart Heritage, if you get to put your two cents in then i get to put in mine: You’re a biased prick.
JBollocks says
I tried to watch the video but nausea overcame me before Ellen was even seated. What is it with the A-List famous?
For all their wealth and fame they get publically upset at the slightest provocation.
My grandmother would have given her a dry-slap and told her to get on with it.
PS SH, being a biased prick must be painful, as it’s literally a diagonal line of direction of an erection.
Adam Gade says
Haha. Ahh, you just can’t buy the affection you get from some readers. Eh, Stuart?
Peggy R says
Ok, given the tenor of the original post and of the comments following, I know that I am going to get flamed here, but that has never stopped me before.
I don’t think Ellen is crying about the dog at all.
I personally love animals myself. I have fostered several and I have three of my own. But I most emphatically do not treat them like people. I do not believe in spoiling them. They are not worth nearly as much as a person. I would not risk my life to save one neither would I ask anyone to risk theirs. I think that most people are absolutely crazy for how they treat their animals.
I do not like Ellen. I dont watch her show. So I was fully expecting to be able to heartily mock her for her pet craziness.
But what is crystal clear to me is that she is not upset about the dog. She is upset about not reading the contract she had with the adoption group. She is upset about the two little girls having their dog taken away from them because of her mistake. For two little kids, this would no doubt be something traumatic. I would be upset if my actions needlessly upset two little kids. She says she is sorry and pleads with the group to give it back to that family. Thats it. She gets on with it.
As for those people sending the death threats to the adoption group, they are several leagues beyond crazy. They should be promptly found and locked up. These celebrity worshippers arejust too crazy to be out loose in society.
Peggy R says
PS. Now having just defended Ellen, I realized that I forgot to skewer her for what she has done wrong in this incident.
Did I say that I dont like her? Just one of the many reasons is that I think she is crazy. Yes, people who are crazy can have a good impulse or two, like regretting causing someone else grief but that is the end of my sympathy with this woman. She took this otherwise laudable feeling of regret and then went on national TV and basically had a temper tantrum. She used her bully pulpit to try and force the hand of the dog resce group and now that this tactic has gone terribly awry, now she talks about how insane it has all gotten. She, and only she, is to blame for anyone outside of her private sphere knowing about this.
Further, she is one of those crazy Hollywood pet owners who give perfectly sane animal lovers, like myself, a bad name. She is why there is such a term as “crazy cat lady” in the first place. She is why I have to combat that image every time I have to admit that I have, somehow over time, ended up with three cats. Or as I like to say, one too many cats depending on which one is getting on my nerves that day ;-) I do daily, largly futile battle with my little queens, to get them to understand that its not all about them and that I don’t live to serve them. They are otherwise well cared for and occasionally repay me with something that might be called gratitude and affection. I’m ok with that. I have no illusions about them. I wish everyone would do the same.
haaa-doouu-ken says
David, do everyone a favour and fuck off and die.
If you truly gave a shit about those kids getting they’re hands sawed off you’d fuck off to congo and do summat about it instead of commenting on the internet about a douche-bag celebrity.
I think Laidlow wrote an article about some hyenas the other day, wanna go mention the slave labour that goes on in Chinese factories?
Prick.
LA Dog Daddy says
For the straight truth about this goofy story – check out The Smoking Gun… they have all of the emails!
Jennifer says
WTF do you mean:
“Animals, as well we all know, are crap. Noisy, hairy shitting machines who only live to drag the corpses of other animals into your house, the lot of them. And yet celebrities love their animals.”
of course celebrities love animals! and animals may do those things, but thats just how animals are! and animals arent crap THEYRE FRIKKEN ANIMALS! thats why you train them.
and i would cry about having to give a dog away!
pavlo says
David,
you’re the best!