When you have a daily, long-running TV show named after yourself, it becomes an extension of your personality – so when you give away a dog that you shouldn't have, the show becomes the place where you blubber relentlessly about it.
Thank goodness that Ellen DeGeneres has finally decided to exploit that loophole, then. On yesterday's edition of Ellen DeGeneres' daily daytime TV show Ellen, she opened the show not with a mood-setting humorous monologue, but with a borderline disturbing sobbing tantrum because she gave her pet dog to her hairdresser when she wasn't allowed to and got told off for it. And, really, fans of watching happy go lucky lesbian talkshow hosts break down in a way that'll make you experience a microsecond of pity before it's swamped by the compulsion to start screaming "Pull yourself together, you infuriating red-eyed ninny!" at your monitors should really stick around and watch the video of Ellen DeGeneres crying that we've got.
Animals, as well we all know, are crap. Noisy, hairy shitting machines who only live to drag the corpses of other animals into your house, the lot of them. And yet celebrities love their animals. If Alicia Silverstone and Sadie Frost aren't getting naked to save animals then Paul McCartney is dressing up as a dough-faced tangerine to stop seals getting hit on the head. Some celebrities even love animals so much they wear coats made from their fur, which is a huge sign of affection. We love sausages, for example, but we don't love them enough to wear a coat made of sausages.
Anyway, no celebrity loves animals as much as Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres loves all animals so much that she's sort of become an unofficial spokesperson on their behalf, or at least she would if only she'd be able to talk lucidly about animals instead of bursting into tears and sniffling "WHYYYYYY?" at the top of her voice every time she thinks an animal injustice has been done. Like yesterday, for example, when a grief-stricken Ellen DeGeneres decided to slash open her heart and tell viewers of Ellen about her tremendous heartache. The Boston Herald reports:
Skipping her usual dance routine, a somber-looking Ellen walked out to audience applause on her TV chatfest yesterday and took a seat in her hostess chair. “Today is a hard day for me … ” the comedian sniffed before breaking down in tears. “I am not capable of coming out and pretending to be funny when things are going so terribly wrong right now.”
Why? What's wrong Ellen? Has someone died? Been diagnosed with an awful illness? It sounds awful, Ellen. Tell us. Quickly Ellen, you're getting us worried now.
Ellen DeGeneres then went on to tearfully explain that she got a dog from a rescue agency last month, but somewhat surprisingly the dog didn't like her cats, so Ellen decided to give the dog away to another family, breaking the terms of the rescue agency's contract. So the dog has gone back to the care home. That's it. A dog that was in a care home is back in a care home. Needless to say Ellen DeGeneres didn't take the news well. Watch Ellen DeGeneres' breakdown for yourself…
Needless to say, it's hugely uncomfortable to watch a woman break down in tears like this, especially a woman so rational that she actually bribed a vet to let a recently-neutered dog sleep in bed with him. And to make matters worse, Ellen DeGeneres' embarrassing sob-attack couldn't have been avoided either, because it's not as if she could have simply arranged for the family to formally adopt the dog from the agency themselves, or bought them a new dog, or something. Is it.
Anyway, this mental little outburst has no doubt affected the future of Ellen DeGeneres' career, especially any hope that she'd get to host the Oscars again. Face it – the last thing the organisers want is someone who, in the middle of the witty Jack Nicholson-referencing opening song, breaks down in an unstoppable flood of snotty tears because she's just remembered the time she read a story about a hamster that was stuck in a fucking shoe once.