Van Halen are literally the best ridiculously overblown stadium rock band with just one song that anyone likes and a singer that resembles your Nan that aren't Motley Crue, and now it's time to announce that Van Halen are back, baby!
No, really – Van Halen are back. Yes, we know we've said that Van Halen have been back about a million times since January, but this time Van Halen really are back and are going to tour and everything. It's been announced that Van Halen are finally reuniting with singer David Lee Roth for a brand new tour after more aborted comebacks than we care to remember. And this time it looks like the Van Halen reunion is definitely going to be permanent, at least until there's a fight about stage lighting or one of them realises they need to go to rehab again and the whole thing's called off. That's scheduled for Thursday, by the way.
Since The Darkness split up there's been a vacuum of awful heavy metal fronted by singers who look like balding malnourished pensioners, but not any more. Because Van Halen – the band that The Darkness stole all their jokes from – are reuniting. For sure this time. We think. You'll have to excuse our hesitance but Van Halen aren't exactly the best at reuniting, you see.
Leaving aside Van Halen's ridiculous history – Van Halen get big, David Lee Roth leaves Van Halen, Sammy Hagar joins Van Halen, Sammy Hagar leaves Van Halen, David Lee Roth joins Van Halen, David Lee Roth leaves Van Halen, Gary Cherone joins Van Halen, Gary Cherone leaves Van Halen, Sammy Hagar joins Van Halen, Sammy Hagar leaves Van Halen – a full-scale comeback looked certain this year after David Lee Roth claimed that Van Halen would reunite and then it was announced that Van Halen would be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.
And then it happened – Van Halen announced a reunion, only for it to fall to pieces a couple of days later when Eddie Van Halen buggered off to rehab. But now – really, honestly – the Van Halen reunion is on. Reuters reports:
Flamboyant singer David Lee Roth, 52, has returned to the fold for a 25-date North American arena trek that will kick off on September 27 in Charlotte, North Carolina. International dates and a new album are also in the planning stages… "My new brother," said Van Halen, also 52, as his 54-year-old brother, drummer Alex Van Halen looked on. It is indeed a family affair, with Eddie's 16-year-old son, Wolfgang, replacing Michael Anthony on bass… Asked about Anthony's absence, Roth said: "This is not a reunion. This is a new band. … Usually when a band comes back like us it's rockers with walkers, and this is everything but. Meet us in the future, not the past."
Hopefully this Van Halen reunion will stick, because we're not sure our tired old hearts can cope with hearing about the inevitable argument about hairspray and subsequent disbanding that's bound to happen two or three dates in. Plus, if this Van Halen reunion tour really does go ahead, it'll give the world the perfect opportunity to realise that it only really liked Jump in the first place and all the rest of it was a sack of widdly balls.
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Chris says
Stuart, please don’t quit you day job, I sorry whats groups do you like Culture Club,Wham, Bananaramma? Maybe you forgot how this band saved RocknRoll when Rock was about dead, how one person (Eddie Van Halen) merge rock with pop (I.E. Micheal Jackson/ Beat It.) Ya no doubt about it , they have had more downs then ups over the past few years, but then who hasn’t.
P.S. I hear National Inquire is hiring, they would love your journalism :)
chignutsak says
Drama? Yes. Ridiculous soap opera? Yes. One good song? Other than redefining hard rock, selling over 10 million albums (BEFORE Jump), blowing the headliners they were opening up for off the stage, and just kicking ass in general, yeah, I suppose you’re right, just one good song.
monique says
again, so pitiful that human beings (fans) crowd around pied pipers up on a stage who are simply channeling their emotions to empty open-hearted masses of people so desperate to feel what they cannot feel on their own. and the fact that “millions” are doing this doesn’t add any more credibility to the act (van halen) anymore than defending hitler by saying he caused millions to subscribe to his “vision” either. to use a music sample, saying anyone, like say madonna or even britney spears, is good because they sell millions of records…all the same: empty…and what does that say about the millions that go to fill up their cups? more emptiness.
albeit, at least van halen actually plays their own instruments, but sill, i can’t say van halen’s music was much good in my opinion. as a guitar player, i never cared for eddie’s so called “brown sound.” besides, who wants to watch 50+ year olds prance around a stage “look at me, look at me” in the first place. the only thing worse would be to watch them repeat this when they hit their 60’s (like the rolling stones). flush the toilet.
fornetti says
I do not believe this
John says
@Monique
You are a tool. Drawing a parallel between hitler and Van Halen? Really? Go back to listening to your bebop, crap music.