Awful, awful, tragic news – Martha Stewart’s dog has passed away.
Almost 13 years old, Martha Stewart’s dog had previously been struggling with renal disease of late, but recently lost its epic battle with the illness on Saturday. The death of Martha Stewart’s job – familiar to millions of fans through countless appearances in commercials, television shows and magazines – has reportedly left Martha Stewart distraught. Out thoughts are with her.
Or at least our thoughts would be with her, but we’re too busy giggling because the dog’s name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, for god’s sake. Still, at least now it’s dead Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are free to give the name to their next child without guilt.
It’s lucky that Martha Stewart is a cyborg with a seven-lever nozzled bolted safe where her heart should be, because her dog’s just died and we hate seeing women of her age cry.
Usually Martha Stewart finds joy in whatever she does, whether it involves rowing a pumpkin across a river, enraging yokels by trademarking their town’s name or being found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceeding and making false statements to federal investigators by a court of law and imprisoned for five months. But not even Martha Stewart can stay happy now that her dog has died.
Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow – for that was its name, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow – completed Martha Stewart. Where she was robotic and lifeless, he had a waggy tail. Where she possessed a steely flair for business, he liked to piss up against trees. Where she had a dry nose and a perfectly-functioning renal system, he had a wet nose and a pair of kidneys that couldn’t have been more knackered if they were made of smashed-up animal balls.
It was exactly that, we’re sad to say, was the undoing of Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. And Martha Stewart is genuinely distraught about it, to the extent that she wrote a special blog post about it. You see, even though he was named after the noise a six-year-old boy makes if you give him a plastic gun, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow was a loving, docile creature as Martha Stewart writes:
Paw Paw was a spectacular chow and an even more spectacular dog. He was always my loyal companion, displaying the most agreeable temperament… Beauty-Boy, Paw-Paw was elegant and kind and reserved and charming up until the very last moment. He was the only pet I ever had, with the exception of Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow, who was never disobedient, and never, ever, required me to raise my voice.
Yes, good old Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow and Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow. They were such wonderful animals. Not like all those other pets she had. They were right little fuckers.
Elsewhere in the blog post, Martha Stewart pays tribute to Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow with a series of photos captioned, as dog-lovers seem to always enjoy doing, in the dog’s own voice. And what did the dog have to say for itself according to Martha Stewart?
Martha always liked to bury in my fur. I’ll miss those hugs and kisses. She nuzzled me so gently. I’m not even dreaming anymore.
We won’t judge her. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and it seems that Martha Stewart’s involves being uncomfortably creepy. That’s just her way.
But how will Martha Stewart cope with the loss of a companion as loyal as – oh, alright, one last time – Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow? Well, perhaps she should get in contact with George Clooney. George was equally cut up when his pig died, and he found ways to get over his loss – namely by fighting with Fabio.
Yes, we’re basically saying that Martha Stewart should fight Fabio. Oh, like you wouldn’t want to see that too.
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mst3kster says
Wow, talk about how people resemble their pets. That picture of Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow you have with the story does look like Martha – before she did time in prison, that is.
munch says
Sorry, I didn’t quite manage to get the gist of that article.
What’s the dog’s name again?
this author says
this author is an idiot, make fun of someone that lost a dear friend, get a life douche bag!