Someone Hates Martha Stewart Enough To Write A Song

Take a look at Martha Stewart and ask yourself this - how in the world could anyone possibly bring themselves to hate that emotionless, flinty-eyed, possibly-robotic, convicted liar's schnooky little face?

But somehow it's happened. Martha Stewart, most recently seen on TV larking around St Petersburg making pancakes out of caviar, has upset the local residents of Katonah in New York state by attempting to trademark the name Katonah for a Martha Stewart-approved range of furniture. But now the people of Katonah have hit back at Martha Stewart by singing a song about her and putting it on YouTube. We'd hate to be Martha Stewart right now, because it sure does take a strong heart to stand firm in the face of a man in a cowboy hat bumbling through a six-minute-long song while a confused man waves a big picture of an Indian chief around.

There isn't really a British equivalent to Martha Stewart, is there? The closest we've been able to think of is Nigella Lawson, but with all the cuddly boobiness replaced with a terrifying rock-hard masculine business sense and a confusing interest in rowing pumpkins across lakes. But it isn't a comparison that really works because nobody's ever written a protest song called Oh Nigella (You Really Are A Wanker).

To be fair, nobody's written a song called Oh Martha Stewart (You Really Are A Wanker) either - but Marc Black from Katonah, NY has written a song called Martha Stewart Song on behalf of the town all about how angry he is that Martha Stewart is trying to trademark the name of his home in order to sell some furniture. The Daily Dish reports:

Stewart enraged residents of Katonah in New York state's Westchester County when she attempted to trademark the village's name for a range of furniture and home products. Native Americans were particularly angry at her attempt to trademark Katonah, claiming the village was named after a tribal chief. Now Marc Black has written a song about the conflict. He says, "The bottom line is, I'm just hoping, I think we all are, that Martha will hear the song."

That Martha Stewart song, by the way, is right here. Warning - this video may contain amateurish performances and sincere worthy lyrics about crying Native American chiefs that some readers may find somewhat nauseating…

The Martha Stewart Song is just the latest in a series of blows to Martha Stewart over the last few years - so far we've witnessed her imprisonment for fraud, the unmitigated failure of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, a bewilderingly haphazard daytime TV show and the inability to sell her own house. In retaliation to Martha Stewart Song, however, Martha Stewart pointed out that place-names have long been used as trademarks, like Philadelphia cream cheese, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Haribo, named after a rural village in Germany where nobody can do any work because of their abnormally constant sugar-crashes.

But, as ever, we think we've found a solution that will leave Martha Stewart, Marc Black and the people of Katonah all equally happy. All Martha Stewart needs to do is drop the final 'h' in Katonah. That way the people of Katonah won't feel like they've been raped by a corporation and, since 'Katonah' and 'Katona' sound the same, Martha Stewart won't have to compromise her artistic vision. And, to top it all off, the new name will make Martha's furniture more appealing to fans of Kerry Katona - and we hear she's been chasing the 'down-rent knife-point hostage' demographic for quite some time.

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Martha Stewart Inspires Protest Song - Daily Dish