If there was ever a reason to envy billionaires, it’s the lack of effort they need to put into romancing the ladies.
Look at Tiger Woods. He managed to have it off with roughly half the world’s population of leathery, nylon-haired titty models with too many vowels in their names, and what effort did he put in to get there? He bashed out a handful of meaningless text messages that read as if they’ve been translated into Russian and then back into English.
If alleged mistress Joslyn James is to believed, Tiger Woods managed to get her into bed with a text message reading “I wish I had the ability to make you sore”. Even by promising to cover women in thousands of infected skin ulcers, Tiger Woods still managed to get his end away. We’ve never been so jealous.
Good thing this whole Tiger Woods thing has come to an end, eh? Tiger Woods has repented for his sins in a televised apology that handily doubled as a verbal Gillette rimjob. He’s been treated for sex addiction. He’s patched things up with his wife. He’s even ready to start playing golf again. It’s great news, it means we can stop disliking Tiger Woods for being a dirty-bollocked serial shagger and go back to disliking him for being a boring golfer who’d sell his own children if it got him a good enough endorsement deal. It’s all over.
Except, inevitably, it isn’t all over at all. Joslyn James – the last woman to emerge as one of Tiger Woods’s conquests, the one who starred in adult films like Porn Star Brides and Shorty Iz Fuckin? Yo Mama 2, the one who claims to have been impregnated by Tiger Woods at least twice and the one who is, according to her own stepmother, “a compulsive liar and a bad mom” – has decided to release what she claims are the text messages that Tiger Woods send her during their relationship.
Why? Has a magazine paid her hundreds of thousands of dollars for the exclusives? Do the texts somehow show her in a new light and show her to be a saintly figure who was ultimately corrupted by Tiger Woods? No. It appears that she’s just posted them all on a website for free because that’s just the type of person she is. Those messages include:
I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich
Hurry so i come in that ass
Now, look. There’s a lot here that we can understand. The slapping and the spanking and the biting seems to be more or less in line with what we’ve come to expect from Tiger Woods. We’re even willing to overlook the bit where he says he wants to put his penis into Joslyn James’s anus and then somehow shove the anus down her throat with his penis still inside it. We can’t really work out the logistics of that, but don’t forget that Tiger Woods is a professional sportsman and we’re not.
But ‘no turkey unless it’s a club sandwich’? We’ve heard some sickening perversions in our time, but that takes the biscuit. Tiger Woods, you’re a monster. A MONSTER.
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Bo says
From the White House: Talking with Tiger:
http://www.goodboybo.com/2010/03/talking-to-tiger.html
Bo
halo says
What the hell is up with the turkey club??
CLB says
Whoa! No restrictions here, anything goes with this shameless James woman! Ms. James should have many new customers to sell her body soon. The world media has posted free of charge her explicit resume, graphically detailing what she is capable and willing to do for a customer if the price is right!!! She is nothing but trash!!!