The problem with Tiger Woods isn’t that he has an addictive personality – it’s that he’s only addicted to really crap things.
Like golf, for example. And having it away with millions of bulge-lipped, pleatheresque titty models behind his wife’s back. And now it seems that Tiger Woods has developed a new addiction – apologising. Following Friday’s display of teary-eyed contrition, Tiger Woods has now decided to apologise to all the parents at his children’s preschool as well.
That’s not because of all the unwanted media intrusion that his indiscretions have put them through, you understand. It’s because, at some point between the year 2030 and the year 2040, Tiger Woods is probably going to have sex with most of their daughters. He’s just getting the apologies out of the way in advance.
We didn’t cover the big Tiger Woods apology on Friday, partly because we assumed that you’d be sick of hearing about it and partly because we could only find fault with it. Because, seriously, it would have saved everyone an awful lot of time if he’d just bought a giant latex anus, written the word ‘Gillette’ across it in marker pen and then spent five full minutes giving it the tonguing of its life. The message would have basically been the same, anyway.
However, much like having illicit extramarital sexual intercourse with a leathery old nylon-haired hag with too many vowels in her name, apologising once isn’t enough. You start to get a kick out of apologising, finding excuses to apologise again and again, often in depraved and experimental ways, until one day your wife discovers how much you like apologising and chases you around with a golf club until you crash your car into a tree in the middle of the night.
And Tiger Woods’ new apology addiction has manifested itself most recently in a letter to the parents of the children at his daughter’s preschool. According to reports, Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren say in the letter:
“We would like to share our appreciation for your support over the past several months and offer our personal apology for any inconvenience you are experiencing due to the increased media scrutiny surrounding our children. We truly understand how frustrating it can be. We hope that the paparazzi will find something better to do with their time in the near future.”
Good. Now that’s dealt with, Tiger Woods can continue working down his apology checklist until literally every single human being on the face of the planet fully understands the scale of his contrition. Or, at the very least, until he’s allowed to start advertising shaving gel for a living again. Mainly just that last one, actually.
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Karla says
He apologized to everybody except all the women he went out with! I know they had it coming, etc. but I heard he treated some of them like crap. What a nice human being!
Sunny says
Obviously the man has one of those ‘addictive personality disorders’. The Tiger Woods story just continues to get more hilarious.