Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we’ll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she’s had this year alone.
She’s been a beauty queen. She’s been a noted anti-gay activist. She’s starred in commercials. She’s written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we’ve ever read. And now she’s a porn star, too. Sort of.
You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it’s all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn’t hit the internet yet, but it’s supposed to be brilliant – we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.
When we look back at 2009 next month, it looks certain that Carrie Prejean will emerge as the most divisive figure of the year. Thanks to her blundering rant against gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant, Carrie Prejean has split the world in two. Those who agree with Carrie have rallied around her, making her the spokesperson for their causes and initiating a Carrie Prejean Day in her honour. Meanwhile, those who disagree with her have done their best to get her fired as Miss California and knock her off her pedestal for good. It was truly an unhealable schism.
But, people, that schism has finally been healed. And it’s all thanks to the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Now it no longer matters if you’re gay or straight, black or white, leftwing or rightwing, male or female – everyone has been united by a desire to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape for themselves. Especially if there’s a bit where she diddles herself off with a prosthetic tallywhacker.
Maybe we should we explain. Until recently, Carrie Prejean and the Miss California organisers had been locked in a spiral of lawsuit and counter-suit. The organisers claimed that they fired Carrie Prejean because she had posed for some marginally racy photographs against their knowledge, while Prejean argued that the sacking had nothing to do with that and was more about her anti-gay stance, which she claimed was a suppression of free speech.
But now Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers and will walk away with nothing. Why? Because the organisers managed to unearth a copy of a red-hot alleged Carrie Prejean sex tape, that’s why. TMZ reports:
Carrie Prejean demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations with Miss California USA Pageant officials — that is, until the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her handiwork. The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.
Thank you, Carrie Prejean. Thank you for making us realise that, while we may have our sporadic ideological quarrels, when seen from space we’re just one blue planet. One blue planet that would love nothing more than to fondle itself stupid to some grainy home-recorded footage of you smearing honey all over your boobs and then bouncing up and down on a child’s trampoline. Or whatever.
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melanie says
sometimes when i read your articles stuart i learn more about you than i thought i wanted to know.
karen wilson says
you all should be ashame of urself if she feel to dangle honey on her body its her right. she shouldnt have to be forced to drop her lawsuit because you all plan to blackmail her plus she should stand up and fight this need to stop and she is right a marriage is between a man and a woman thats how god ordane it read ur bible god distroy saddam and gomorrro because he hate that a man lie with a man if god had wanted too man together then he wouldnt have made eve for adam he would have given him steve instead
magnetite says
I honestly don’t know where to start taking the piss here.
It’s like a trefoil knot of idiocy.
Bronzed Demi-God says
I don’t know about you, but I feel to dangle honey on my body today. Tomorrow I may feel to wobble jam on my knees.
Joke Police says
Was Saddam gay? Was that why we went to war?
dunreading says
what about THE NEED. do neither you or karen wilson have the need to dangle honey on your body or is it just me who is missing something (other than 2 vitally important words)
shooty* says
Gordian knot, Mag, surely?
magnetite says
Ah, you see Shooty*, I was going to go with ‘M
magnetite says
topo-fucking-logical.
bollocks. again.