Child stars are funny critters. Once they start to grow pubic hair or develop a deeper voice, it generally means that Mickey Mouse can no longer work with the individual in question, usually tossing them to the pavement for Pluto to mock.

Once you’ve appeared in a Disney show, you somehow have to prove yourself so you can go on and get serious work.

There are a variety of ways to achieve this. Miley Cyrus posed in her undercrackers and had a go on a bong whilst Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera flashed their genitals. Vanessa Hudgens is known for being part of the irritating High School Musical franchise where everyone seemed worryingly happy on a permanent scale.

Since breaking up from Zac Efron, we haven’t heard much from Vanesa Hudgens, though with the supposed “leak” of casual lesbian antics, she’ll have gotten on a few more radars.

Not that you’d be interested, but all sorts of sordid filth happens round the hecklerspray bedsit. All writers have to be vetted and this is a process involving a bottle of baby oil, cold water and a trampoline. These images are locked away in a safe so human eyes can’t see them. For them to magically appear on the internet, we’d have to physically upload them all whilst gagging on the photos of some people doing stuff that shouldn’t be possible according to science.

It’s strange how this is the second incident of Vanessa Hudgens having naughty pictures appear on the internet for perverts to have a couple of moments pleasure over.

Whilst she was going out with High School Musical co-star Zac Efron, a series of nude photos hit the internet. All we can assume is that these private exchanges were leaked either by Hudgens or Efron. Or one of their “wacky” mates did it for comedic purposes.

Therefore, you’d assume that Vanessa Hudgens would have had been a bit more sense than letting someone take photos of her kissing a girl called Alexa Nikolas. Anyone? Nope, us either.

Supposedly, she’s another child star who appeared in a show called Zoey 101. We have no idea what this is about, if anything, it sounds like some sort of sordid filth where an adult actress shows you 101 different ways of having sex with her.

However, we’ve found out that:

“Nikolas appeared in Hudgens’ music video for “Come Back to Me,” the lead single from her debut album, 2006’s V and is reportedly best friends with the star.”

Allow us to put on our slippers and light a pipe whilst we sit down with a pint of ale. The youth of today really are out of order don’t you think? Is this what friends do these days? When we were younger and less cynical, kissing each other was out of the question, mainly because we didn’t know what it was. Instead, we waltzed freely through green forests, making lemonade or throwing stones at people’s doors and running away so we didn’t get a clip round the ear.

Oh how we laughed.

If this trend continues, then we expect the cast of Glee to be caught up in some sordid dogging incident when they visit summer camp or whatever the hell it is Americans do.

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Zac Efron has the strangest of faces. It’s actually flawless to the point where you can almost imagine a great big green diamond over his head like he’s Simlish or something. We’ve never tried barking orders at him so we can make him urinate or set fire to a microwave, but we’re certain that it could happen.

Likewise, Vanessa Hudgens is similarly perfect. She looks like she’s been designed by a lonely CGI artist, asked to create the ideal girl for jaded teenagers who want something wholesome to masturbate over.

And of course, this pair made for one of the most capsizingly dull couples in Hollywood, livened up briefly by some self-shot nude photos and a break-up. However, it looks like they’re enjoying each other’s lips with some deft reboundery.

Zac Efron’s tiny little motorcar was spotted outside Hudgens’ house, meaning that they were indeed, still friends (like they’ve been claiming) or, rather, Efron was dropping off all her stuff that she’d left at his, making for a tear-laden afternoon where they exchanged possessions, which of course, reminded them of the good times they spend listening to Mike and the Mechanics together, or whatever it is they got up to.

However, sources/close friends/eye witnesses are all coming out in force now to point and shriek about how this crushingly bland pair are back together. We can only assume no-one else would have them. They’re too perfect looking. They’re just too soul-sapping.

And so, someone has seen them over the weekend in a nightclub in Hollywood, dancing and kissing. KISSING AND DANCING! Can you even imagine it? There’s a good chance they used tongues. And that might include the kissing too.

A source, who was at the rubbish sounding SHG’s Eden nightclub opening, where the beige pair were seen at, told reporters:

“They were constantly touching and kissing each other. Vanessa was bopping around with her arms up while Zac had his hands all over her.”

“Vanessa had a smile on from ear to ear and the two were inseparable after that.”

Other witnesses say that Hudgens smiled so much that the corners of her mouth met somewhere above her eyebrows and her face lifted up like a flap, revealing a grimacing skeleton, branded with the Disney logo.

So what have we learned from all this? Well, the Efron/Hudgens partnership are either fickle or massive liars who have claimed to split-up when in fact, they’ve been slobbering over each other all along.

We’ll never trust anyone, ever again.

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Zac Efron (Rob Lowe in a lesbian wig) and Vanessa Hudgens (you’ve seen her in the nip) split up didn’t they? This left furious onanists the world over imagining an implausible scenario where they might have sex with their preferred person of the couple. Or both.

Well, enjoy your pleasures of the palm while you can because it looks like they might be back together. This, of course, is planet-splittingly important and vital news for everyone.

And how do we know they’re giving it another go? Well, the irrefutable proof lies in the fact that Zac Efron (an unrealistic GI Joe figure in slacks) was spotted visiting Hudgens’ (you’re still thinking about those nude snaps aren’t you?) house. This definitely means they’re having intercourse again.

According to LikeYouEvenCareAboutTheSourceOfTheRumour, the High School Musical (Glee, before Glee happened) couple had a reunion on Monday. Nosy buggers noticed that Efron’s black Audi was parked outside Hudgen’s apartment. Did you know he drove a black Audi? Stalkers, take note.

Efron was snapped pulling into Hudgens’ driveway, which leaves us all knowing for absolutely certain that they’re back together, staring at each other blankly before retiring to the bedroom to have sex with each other because it is better than the inane chitter chatter they bandy around when in each other’s company.

Of course, this goes against Vanessa’s previous claimed they the two were still “good” after the break-up. Sure, they may have been an item, but now, they’re simply just friends. Okay? And possibly having a quick bonus-round before waving each other off and wondering why they got invested in each other in the first place.

During the short break-up, Efron had been linked to Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s ridiculously named daughter, Rumer. Make your own jokes.

However, like his relationship with Hudgens, representatives for both Zac and Rumer claimed the pair were “just good friends.” Friends with benefits? Friends with stupid names?

Either way, Zac Efron is absolutely and definitely having it off with someone because he’s parked his car outside a house or something. In fact, we can assume that every time he parks his car, he’s going to be having sex with at least one person inside the building he’s outside.

He’ll be red-raw and limping by March.

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Zac Efron may well be the most peculiar looking chap on Earth. Simultaneously, he looks like a 40 year old lesbian, the most American young person ever, a very sophisticated mandroid, Rob Lowe in a Justin Bieber wig and a relaxed calf muscle.

Vanessa Hudgens meanwhile looked like a tidy belly button peering out of a hairy stomach and of course, has shown everyone her bush on the internet.

Between them, they were one of Hollywood’s dream couples. However, after a four-year High School Musical romance, they’ve both decided to admit to themselves that they can’t stand the sight of each other. Yes indeed stalkers! Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split up! You should probably send them things and see if you can capture their hearts. In a cloth sack.

Some lackey who probably works for Disney, who has the job to smooth over absolutely anything that might wrinkle the blemish-free veneer of the company, came about and said that there is no-one else involved and that the pair will remain good chums.

“It’s nothing dramatic. There’s no third party involved.”

Okay. Being peevish. Let us imagine that everything this trouble-shooter is saying is exactly the opposite to what actually happened and how Efron/Hudgens feel.

“It seems their romance just fizzled out. They are still talking and still friends.”

“There’s no drama. No one cheated. They just grew up.”

So we assume then, that the increasingly childish pair threw gigantic hissy fits, had sex with lots of other people and they now utterly despise each other. And yes, there’s a third party involved and that person is secretly shagging both of them.

That would be much more interesting if it were true, right?

The pair have spent an more and more time apart since the end of the High School Musical and they’ve both gone on to star in a bunch of films that no-one really gives two fucks about.

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In what has come as a colossal blow to my ‘surely must be gay’ celebrity sweepstake, Zac ‘perfect hair’, ‘knee-trembling smile’, ‘obvious aversion to sticking his helmet anywhere near a ladies part, thank you very much, no siree, bob’ Efron has confirmed his visit to a strip club.

This is bad news. Very bad news indeed. I’ve got 50p riding on the definite outcome of his sexuality.

This is almost as bad as that time he stood quite near to Megan Fox and they were definitely going to make babies in the nearest available alleyway as soon as one of them managed to emote the most simple human emotion to the other. Fortunately, that was scuppered by the fact that they’re both basically a-sexual vacuumed-packed plastic people. But this sounds bad – strippers? They’re not real people!

So how he get himself into this sorry state of affairs? According to Digital Spy, he said:

I had this image of what it’d be like. I’ve heard a lot about these places, mostly from rap music – they’re supposed to be pretty reputable!

First of all; ah, bless. ‘Reputable’.

Second of all, I quite like the idea that there are people out there who are getting their entire worldview from the infallible teachings of ‘the rapping music’. I like the idea of a group of people – let’s call them ‘morons’ – who, like Lil Fame, don’t believe in basic physical laws and think that you can:

lift that ass up like gravity

Or don’t subscribe to a literal interpretation of arithmetic, like Foxy Brown:

Thirty-two grams raw, chop it in half, get sixteen, double it times three. We got forty-eight, which mean a whole lot of cream Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight. We back to sixteen

Those people are probably the ones who look vaguely surprised every time they see a black person who’s not stepping off a yacht, dripping with jewellery that Jimmy Saville would baulk at.

All that aside, as far as the more pressing matter of my sweepstake goes it can still be kept alive if I can prove that it was all just a massive mistake that he went into the Gentleman’s Club. Perhaps he just thought it was a club exclusively for gentlemen? Maybe he was seduced by the ‘Flashdance’ part of the name, and thought that it would be full of sexy, sexy metalworkers that he could spend all night oiling – while avoiding the sole female worker, hired because of anti-discriminatory laws, of course. Or maybe was just told by his companions that there were matching soft furnishings throughout and he felt that he had to check it out because he’d never heard of a late night disco-club where all the carpets matched with the drapes. Or maybe it was something even more indefensibly gay? What’s that?

I envisioned myself in a nice couch with stunna shades with T-Pain and Usher making it rain money! And it just wasn’t like that.

Bingo! Thanks Zac. That £3.50 is as good as mine.

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Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet.

Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other’s piss.

Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.

The People’s Choice Awards is probably the greatest awards show on Earth, because all the awards are chosen by the people. Specifically they’re chosen by the people who happen to be attention-starved, borderline-obese housewives with gigantic haircuts from ridiculous little towns who vote because they’re propelled by a warped determination to give Two And A Half Men the recognition that they wrongly assume it deserves.

What’s great about the People’s Choice Awards is that, thanks to its name, it makes all of humanity look like a collection of blundering dimwits who’d happily spend a full afternoon crashing into the same locked patio door again and again wondering why a wizard had decided to suddenly make the air go hard. Really, it’s excellent.

But what if the People’s Choice Awards isn’t crackpot enough for you? What if you want to combine the astonishing dunderheadedness of the People’s Choice Awards with an auditorium full of thousands of teenage girls who cry and scream at such a staggering volume that passers-by could quite easily be forgiven for assuming that they were witnessing all-out infanticide? Well in that case you need the Teen Choice Awards, which was held yesterday – presumably in an effort to keep the rest of the planet quieter and comparatively urine-free for a few hours.

The LA Times has news of the winners:

“Twilight” won 11 of its 12 Teen Choice Awards nominations… Robert Pattinson crushed Dev Patel, and Kristen Stewart beat Friedo Pinto. “Twilight” also claimed more offbeat categories such as best romance, liplock and rumble. Miley Cyrus claimed six kudos, including best comedy TV show, comedy actress, music/dance movie actress, hissy fit, music single and summer song.

In addition, The Jonas Brothers won five awards and Zac Efron picked up two. Not to be outdone, though, Britney Spears managed to pick up one Teen Choice Award as well. Ostensibly Britney took home the worryingly vague ‘Ultimate Choice Award’, although it doesn’t take a genius to see that she was only invited so that the winners’ collective management could hold her up and say “See? THIS is what happens to you if you stop listening to us! Now get out back out there and make us all rich before your testicles descend!”

But still, we’re sure that the likes of Twilight, Robert Pattinson, The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are all thrilled to have won their Teen Choice Awards. After all, no awards mean more thn ones voted for by a bunch of easily-manipulated hormonal wazzocks.

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Jealousy is a sad, bad thing for everyone involved – and it’s especially bad when it involves some of the most incredibly talented A-list performers in the world today.

Which means this news isn’t as bad as it could have been, because it only involves Megan Fox and Zac Efron.

Anyway, these little blighters have done the worst thing imaginable – they’ve tried to steal some news space away from Michael Jackson by definitely (possibly) getting married (dating), all while the world’s favourite singer is preparing for his headline shows at the O2…

What do you mean he’s dead?!

Ah.

Well, we must soldier on in the face of all adversity and bring you – our beloved readers – the news fit to be read, the news that should be reported and the words that will have such a strong effect on your minds you may well fall into a catatonic state simply by trying to understand them.

Read, and believe: Zac Efron and Megan Fox have been spotted out together, talking and being nice to each other. Will the madness never end?!

Needless to say, this shocking news indicates that the two are definitely a couple and that they have quite possibly been married within the last few days, thus sparking a new Hollywood super-family consisting of good-looking people made from plastic with crap tattoos. In musicals with giant robots.

What a time to be alive.

The epoch-making news was backed up by a statement sure to shake the very foundations of life on earth as we know it, with a source telling Celebuzz (via Digital Spy):

“They were very friendly and their faces were close when they talked.”

Now that’s the kind of pure fact you can only get from an experienced, on-the-scene, eyewitness reporter. Not fazed by the news that – apparently, at least - Michael Jackson is dead, this source braved the warzone that must have been the eatery, risking life and limb to report back that not only were both Zac Efron and Megan Fox very friendly, but that their faces were close when they talked.

You can’t buy that kind of talent – it’s something that’s natural. Honed. Perfect.

Thank you, ‘Source’. You have made our lives worth living again, following the death of Michael Jackson. Who is dead, in case any of you missed the news.

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Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable – they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example.

Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that – as with most old movies – needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.

For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.

For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.

A remake is one thing – it takes the setting of the original, reworks it usually in a daft way, misses the point of the first film and then craps out an unrecognisable lump of cud where once stood a thoroughly recognisable lump of cud.

A remake of a film where the soundtrack is the most celebrated aspect of it is another thing altogether, especially when someone like Timbaland is on-board to re-jig the whole thing. Yes, the man seems capable of making anything a hit, but that’s because he makes the music he is involved with incredibly devoid of substance, vapid and generally appealing to the lowest common denominator through sheer weight of simplicity.

Actually, that sounds pretty much like the Bee Gees, only less terrifying and high-pitched. In other words; it’s a great idea – go for it!

Simon Cowell, on the other hand, won’t be involved to flex his creative muscles – even if they are just as withered as Timbaland‘s. No, the high-panted king of Television For Morons is sure to be involved for far more benevolent reasons. Namely: the fact that it will make him at least four shitloads of money.

Why do we know this? Because it will apparently have everybody’s favourite “less character than an actual Action Man doll” actor Zac Efron fronting the new Saturday Night Fever.

That’s a manchild second only to Robert Pattinson in the ‘making little girls and spinsters part with their cash’ stakes, so it’s yet another licence to print moolah for Cowell and co.

A source told The Sun newspaper:

“Simon has been looking into buying the rights for years and opened discussions with Robert about the remake.

“The charm offensive has been in full swing and they made a breakthrough over the last couple of weeks.”

No one knows when the film will be out, who else will be in it or how much of a direct rip-off of Step Up 2: The Streets it will be. Though hecklerspray hopes it will be a massive rip-off of the aformentioned classic of cinema.

We really need to get into this “making stuff to get a lot of money” business. It seems easy enough.

Beauty, as we all know, is on the inside. If it’s on the inside of a leggy blonde woman, we’ll have to make do.

Christina Applegate is a leggy blonde woman. But that’s not why she’s just been named as number one in People magazine’s Most Beautiful list. Christina Applegate has been named as number one in the Most Beautiful list because she’s beaten cancer. Breast cancer, mind you, not one of those cancers that makes your head all bald and face look all weird. Ugh.

Also in the Most Beautiful list, Zac Efron. He’s such a pretty little girl.

Without question, the day that People‘s Most Beautiful list comes out is the best day of the year. We don’t know about you, but if we weren’t annually reminded that there are a group of people who are infinitely better looking than us, infinitely richer than us and who experience infinitely more happiness, sexual activity and levels of relaxation that we could ever even imagine, then we’d probably throw ourselves off a bridge or something. Honestly.

It’s testament to how much People magazine cares about us that it still publishes the Most Beautiful list in this time of financial uncertainty. True, it’d be cheaper and just as effective to publish one magazine a year where every page reads ‘YOU ARE SCUM’, ‘YOUR FACE OFFENDS US’, ‘WHAT’S THAT SMELL? OH, IT’S YOU’ and ‘WHY DON’T YOU KILL YOURSELF. WHY DON’T YOU LITERALLY GO AND ACTUALLY KILL YOURSELF, YOU DISGUSTING UGLY BASTARD. GO ON. LITERALLY KILL YOURSELF. CUT YOUR FACE UP WITH KNIVES FIRST, THOUGH, BECAUSE THE CORONER STILL HAS TO LOOK AT YOU. UGH’ in massive type, but it still goes the extra mile. We love you, People magazine.

And since the last two people named as People‘s Most Beautiful person of the year were the skinny blonde actresses Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore, the magazine has decided to mix up the formula this time and give the award to Christina Applegate, the woman primarily famous for being a skinny blonde actress.

Actually, that’s a little unfair. In the last year, Christina Applegate has overcome a gigantic personal hurdle by beating breast cancer. And in a way, that makes her even more beautiful. Not because we subscribe to the belief that true beauty only reveals itself through struggle, but because her new fake bangers are quite sexy. People reports:

The Samantha Who? actress, 37, underwent a double mastectomy, followed by reconstructive surgery. “It’s a decision that you made to save your life,” she says, noting one positive effect: “I don’t have to wear a bra! They don’t hang down to my knees like they did before. And the gals look good in tank tops.”

So who else made it onto People‘s Most Beautiful list? Why, Halle Berry, everyone from 90210, Freida Pinto, Christina Aguilera, Michelle Obama, Taylor Swift and Zac Efron, to name but a few. Who’s the odd one out in this list? It’s Zac Efron, of course. He’s the only one on the list who has never experienced a recognisable human emotion.

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17 Again really does look like the perfect family movie for anyone who has short-term memory loss and can’t remember Big.

Or Vice Versa. Or Freaky Friday. Or any film which shares a basic plot function with 17 Again. But it must be doing something right, because 17 Again is the top movie at the weekend box office.

Zac Efron as the weekend box office number one, Miley Cyrus as number four. Way to make everyone feel old, Hollywood. Honestly, they may as well have renamed 17 Again as Your Time On Earth Is Finite And Soon All Will Be Dust, Ashes And Dust.

We can’t quite work out what the weirdest thing about 17 Again being the weekend box office number one is. Is it the fact that Zac Efron is possibly the biggest moviestar in the world? Or is it the fact that Matthew Perry has had a part in a post-Friends project that’s been in some way successful? No, it’s definitely the second one. It makes us feel odd just thinking about it. Ugh. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – 17 Again (Where Zac Efron plays an adult who becomes 17 again and is cool and handsome, unlike the permanently-masturbating, acne-faced, painfully inept disappointment to his parents that you’d be if the same thing ever happened to you) $24,065,000

2 – State Of Play (A film where the Gladiator from Gladiator and the Queen from The Queen battle against Daredevil from Daredevil in a much, much more mundane way than this sentence would make you think) $14,099,000

3 - Monsters Vs Aliens (Sadly not the film where child sex offenders and illegal immigrants are locked in a cage and have to compete in various Running Man-style battles to the death. Better luck next time, Daily Mail) $12,900,000

4 – Hannah Montana: The Movie (Look at the middle three figures of the weekend box office total for this movie. Proof that Miley Cyrus is the devil? Yes. Yes, it is obviously proof that Miley Cyrus is the devil) $12,666,000

5 – Fast And Furious (So you people still want to go and see Vin Diesel driving a car around, but you don’t want to see Jason Statham electrocute his tongue with a set of jumpleads? You people. You people are weird) $12,290,000

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Until now there’s been one reason and one reason alone to look forward to Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – no Orlando Bloom.

But now there’s another reason that’s equally uplifting – not only will Orlando Bloom not foul up Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but nor will Zac Efron from High School Musical. Contrary to rumours suggesting that Zac Efron had signed on to play Johnny Depp‘s son in the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, it’s been revealed that no such deal has been made.

Yet. Despite the denial, Zac Efron isn’t hiding his enthusiasm for a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. But if he does eventually get the job, producers will have to find a clever way to explain his presence in the movie. We suggest a flashback to Captain Jack Sparrow having it off with a charisma-free injection-moulded shop dummy and somehow getting it pregnant. Nobody could argue with logic like that.

For a movie that hasn’t even started to be made yet, we seem to know an awful lot about Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 so far. For instance, Johnny Depp has been paid all the money in the universe to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, there’s a fighting chance that Tim Burton will be the director and, if the pattern of the last three movies holds, the whole thing will be 15 hours long and so confusing that blood will start squirting from one of your ears about half an hour in.

In addition to all that, one persistent rumour is that Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 will feature more of Jack Sparrow’s family. Thanks to Keith Richards‘ cameo in the last movie, we know that Sparrow’s father was part grizzly driftwood and part sheep testicle, and there’s a strong chance that Russell Brand will end up playing his brother in the new film.

But there’s also a chance that Jack Sparrow’s son will make an appearance in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, and that he’ll be played by High School Musical‘s Zac Efron. You know the chap – he looks like a pre-pubescent ventriloquist’s dummy that’s been programmed by a berserk professor to never think, say or do anything even marginally controversial. He probably has a smoothed-off plastic nub where his genitals should be, too.

In a way, Zac Efron would be the perfect choice to play Johnny Depp’s son in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – let’s not forget that the movies are based on a theme park ride full of unrealistic herky-jerky animatronic humanoids, so he’d fit in flawlessly – but sadly it’s not to be, as MTV reports:

Speaking to MTV News, Efron was adamant that the talk of his voyaging through the Caribbean was nothing more than a rumor. “No one has talked to me about it,” the “High School Musical 3” star insisted. “I didn’t even know [about it]… Cross your fingers for me guys!”

Now that he’s expressed an interest, though, maybe Zac Efron will get offered a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 after all. It’d certainly help pitch the movie at the tween generation, that’s for sure.

In fact, why stop there? Why not get other tween stars to join the cast of Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, too? Miley Cyrus would make a great love interest for Zac Efron, and we’ve already devised a scene in which, after The Black Pearl runs out of ammunition, Jamie Lynn Spears is recruited to take out ships by firing a steady procession of illegitimate babies out of her ladyparts at the enemy fleets.

You might have thought that High School Musical 3 was to be the swansong of the series, leaving tweens everywhere with three near-identical Grease rip-offs to cling onto.

But that’s not the case at all. Eager to keep churning out enough High School Musicals to keep everyone in solid gold bathtubs for a decade, Disney has announced that there’s a High School Musical 4 in the pipeline.

However, don’t expect too many of your favourite High School Musical characters in High School Musical 4, because rumour has it that there’ll be a mostly-new cast. Which we’re eternally thankful to Disney for – after all, the High School Musical cast of today is the middle-aged pervert’s grubby naked sex fantasy object of tomorrow.

The High School Musical movies might look like an awful lot of fun – all cartwheeling down corridors and making best friends forever with an appropriately racially-diverse group of bright-eyed youngsters – but the reality couldn’t be further removed.

Churning out one High School Musical movie after another is hard work on everyone. The songwriters must be running out of ideas by now – surely there are only so many ways to put across the sentiment that everyone is in everything together and also special and flying and stuff – and the High School Musical cast is now so old and clearly un-high school that some of their internal organs are starting to pop.

So the High School Musical franchise should clearly be put out to pasture, right? Oh yeah, and let that bitch Miley Cyrus scoop up all the tween pocket money? NEVER!

So that’s why Disney has announced High School Musical 4, even though High School Musical 3 hasn’t even been released yet. Excited? Don’t be – High School Musical 4 is going to be the disappointing S Club Juniors of the wholesome tween movie world, as Reuters reports:

“We are writing ‘High School Musical 4,’ ” Disney Channel Worldwide president Rich Ross said Tuesday after a presentation at a midtown Manhattan recording studio. It’s likely to be a TV movie unlike “High School Musical 3: Senior Year,” though that could change. Filming begins in two weeks in Utah. There’s no word on whether the cast and behind-the-scenes talent will gather again for “HSM4,” though some characters introduced in the third go-round likely will star in the fourth. “Are we going to have all the cast back? Probably not,” Ross said. “Will we have some of them? I hope so.”

Really? Some of the High School Musical cast will be back for the fourth movie? But they’re all too old to believably be high school students any more. So, while we can see that Zac Efron will want to leave High School Musical to pursue his movie career – and Vanessa Hudgens will want to get cracking on her late-night cable erotic thriller career before everyone gets sick of staring at her naked body – the others will stay. But how? Here are a few ideas.

1 - Bizarrely, all the graduating High School Musical students decide to immediately return to school to work as teachers, even though they have no qualifications and are so highly unsuitable that their appointments defy all sense of logic. This is the Saved By The Bell: The New Class option.

2 – The entire High School Musical cast is put back to junior high because they’ve all legally found to be dangerously stupid. Not only will this keep some familiar faces in High School Musical 4, but it’ll also mean we’ll get to see songs like 22 (And Still Can’t Spell My Own Name), I Think I Just Shat Myself and the 12-minute centrepiece Exploratory Adolescent Odyssey, which just consists of some monotone gurgling and the sound of one boy sobbing because he ate an orange crayola thinking it was a carrot.

3 - Everyone from the first three High School Musical movies realises that they’re already moments away from being so typecast as a grinning earnest teenager that they’ll never ever find work again if they see High School Musical 4 through, so they have it written into their contract that a disturbed student in a leather trenchcoat bursts into their classroom in the first couple of minutes and massacres them all indiscriminately with a selection of his father’s rifles.

Which option will Disney go for? So long as the decision forces our local Disney store to reduce the price of its Vanessa Hudgens High School Musical figures enough for us to buy them all and sit around stroking their hair and whispering into their ears and pretending we have 150 identical tiny plastic naked slutty girlfriends, then we’ll happily go along with anything.

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“High School Musical 4″ already in works – Reuters

If you're a Zac Efron fan, you might want to sit down – it turns out that Zac's body isn't as dreamy-perfect as you probably thought.

Yesterday High School Musical star Zac Efron was rushed to hospital for an emergency appendectomy. Fortunately, Efron's appendix was removed before it burst and could do serious damage to the teen sensation's innards.

But it was a close call. At one point during surgery, up to three of Zac Efron's hairs went slightly out of place – marking the most distressing point of his entire moon-eyed life so far.

It might be easy to mock the stars of High School Musical, but we'll say this – ripping off Grease and filling it full of sub-Britney songs about going your own way because you're special inside doesn't half take it out on your internal organs.

Why, just last week, Corbin Bleu barfed up both of his adrenal glands because of the stress of belting out Get'cha Head in the Game again and again, and now Zac Efron's appendix has gone all doolally as well.

Yesterday Zac Efron – the boy from High School Musical who looks like a creepy ventriloquist's dummy that's come to life and carved a six-pack into his own gut with an unfolded paperclip – was rushed to Cedars-Sinai medical centre in Los Angeles in agony.

Turns out he had appendicitis. and real appendicitis too, not the weird drunk-too-much-and-need-a lie-down Lindsay Lohan appendicitis that you recover from in less than a day. E! Online reports:

The High School Musical star underwent an emergency appendectomy Tuesday at Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, E! News has confirmed. "He had his appendix removed and is recuperating," Efron's rep said. 

We're shocked – like many people we didn't realise that Zac Efron had a functioning set of internal organs. We assumed that his torso was either full of kittens or that it was just made of solid plastic all the way through.

It's unknown whether Zac Efron's appendix removal will affect the filming of the just-announced High School Musical 3 movie, although it's thought that songwriters are currently penning contingency tunes like I Dropped My Pencil (When I bend Over It Hurts So Much That I Feel Sick) and the anthemic Nurse, My Bedpan's Full Again, with Hollywood choreographers banking on the next big dance sensation involving writhing around the floor clutching your abdomen and making a noise like a wounded animal.

And we feel for Zac Efron, we really do – his unblemished body will now have a dirty great scar sliced across it. But, hey, at least chicks dig scars, right? Especially ones that you can point at and say, "and I got this one when my tummy-wummy got all hurty-wurty and I cried."

But let's just hope that the same fate doesn't await Zac Efron's co-star Vanessa Hudgens – an appendix scar would really wipe out her inevitable professional pornography career before it ever really got going.

Read more:

Zac Efron Busts a Surgical Move – E! Online 

One of the best things about the High School Musical movies was that they were TV movies and easy to avoid.

But not any more. Disney has just confirmed that High School Musical 3 – the final movie in the High School Musical trilogy – will be a full feature release that people will have to save up their pocket money and pay to see in cinemas.

Needless to say, the news has excited young High School Musical fans and creepy middle-aged perverts who've just worked out that they'll be able to see the outline of Vanessa Hudgens' boobs on a gigantic screen alike. 

High School Musical has, by all accounts, been a sensation for Disney. It spent all that money painstakingly animating crap like Treasure Planet and Home On The Range and all it really needed to do was find a bunch of kids that looked as if they'd been made in a sinister injection-moulding factory and get them to sing songs about how everyone is special on the inside on a TV movie to make the cash come rolling in.

Now people put on their own High School Musical plays, listen to High School Musical CDs, play with High School Musical action figures and try to look like High School Musical star Zac Efron by varnishing their faces, wearing plastic wigs and pouting into a mirror for days at a time. We expect. 

But soon it'll be time to say goodbye to High School Musical so that its young stars can move on with their lives and make that softcore pornography DVD they've been teasing us with for so long. And, because the old 'everyone in High School Musical is so stupid that they'll have to repeat classes until they're 40' ruse won't work, the upcoming High School Musical 3 will be the series' final outing.

But what an outing it'll be, because High School Musical 3 will be the first to get a full theatrical release. People reports:

All six of the High School Musical stars have officially signed on for High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Walt Disney Studios Motion Picture Productions announced Monday. Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Corbin Bleu, Monique Coleman and Lucas Grabeel will star in the third and final instalment, a feature film. Director Kenny Ortega tells PEOPLE he's excited about working one last time with the cast… "I am the luckiest guy in the world and I know it," Ortega says. "This will be our last time together and I love working with these kids so much. It's going to be great."  

But what about the plot of High School Musical 3? Somewhat predictably, it will centre on Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens coming to terms with the fact that they'll soon have to leave school for different colleges – which we presume to be the Academy For Dim-Looking Ladyboys and Naked Slut Central respectively – and deciding that the only way to get over their heartache is to sing plenty of family-friendly songs about how everyone is special on the inside at each other.

And then it'll be over, unless of course High School Musical takes the Saved By The Bell route and makes a High School Musical: The College Years film and a High School Musical: The New Class film where one of the original stars has inexplicably become a teaching assistant during the day and a disgusting internet sex tape star at night. 

Which, you know, wouldn't be too much of a leap.

Read more:

It's Official: Cast Returns for High School Musical 3 – People