It’s that time of the week once more where you get texts from distant relatives and Facebook friends you decided it was acceptable to dole out your mobile number to.

They are texting you because they know that you will be slinking back to a cold flat alone after work and they want your Orange Wednesday so they can go to the cinema with their real friends. You might not be invited, but you’re also not using it are you?

We know that you don’t want to cry all night so we’re going to let you watch some of the trailers for the films they might be watching this week then you can be part of the team (which you’re not because as we all know there’s no ‘I’ in team.)

You don’t know anyone in real life that would go and watch George Lucas make a mockery of his already fairly ridiculous franchise.

However, you do know lots of people on the internet that are outraged by this 3D travesty.

Jar Jar Binks in 3D, just think!

We all noticed Ewan McGregor has a rat tail and we’ve all seen The Matrix here right? Good, moving on.

Remember Ronseal? Well it told you exactly what it did on the tin. Man On A Ledge is the Ronseal of the film industry and that’s the only plot synopsis you’re getting.

As far as everyone involved here is concerned you’re five quid up because you just realised that you’ve now seen a slightly less attractive than usual Sam Worthington stood on a ledge while the rest of New York and Ed Harris’s horrible eyes throw a parade. They just love a parade in that city.

You thought you locked the doors and you thought you were safe, but then we brought this horrifying spectacle, peck dance included and streamed it live in your living room, the worst bit is that you clicked that link all by yourself.

Christ did you all see Michael Caine or did we just hallucinate that bit?  The logistics of Michael Caine and The Rock being in a film together are the reason the phrase ‘logistical nightmare’ exists. It’s fun to watch The Rock pretend he knows what ‘emasculating’ means and then that he is capable of that emotion.

All the moralistic and cultured members of the general public will probably be wanting to go and watch a film called Carnage by a man who can’t go to America because he’s wanted for almost definitely raping a 13-year-old girl many, many years ago; isn’t voyeurism fantastic?

It’s based on a play and is set entirely in one room where four ‘adults’ will deduce who is the best at throwing a hissy-fit. They’re obviously all obnoxiously good actors and they’ll be acting the pants off of this.

If you still feel like you’re missing out then we do apologise, but we can only go so far to make your lonely existence fulfilling and entertaining. Have you tried ringing Samaritans?

Hello. You’ve landed on the hecklerspray Super Bowl 2012 liveblog. Here, you’ll find a limey’s confused view on proceedings, complete with drunken ribaldry, American snack reviews, arrogance, a willful disregard for spelling and enough lame jokes to fill the average American’s cavernous gut. It’ll be great. Abuse and pedantry always welcome.

Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident.

Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being shown at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, mainly because no-one in their right mind wants to see Madonna’s rock-hard gym-sculpted banger on view, all sinew and veins.

And mercifully, she’s promised that this won’t be happening.

Madonna says that all efforts have been made to ensure that she won’t be exposing a nork to the biggest television audience in the world.

Lucky really because, it hasn’t escaped our attention that she’s slowly turning into Iggy Pop with each passing year.

“Great attention to detail has been paid to my wardrobe, there will be no wardrobe malfunction – I promise”.

There’s a lot riding on this for Madge and she admits that she’s feeling the pressure of performing at the Super Bowl. And it really is a gigantic audience. Last year’s Super Bowl bagged itself 111 million in the US.

“This is a Midwesterner girls dream to be performing at the Super Bowl half-time show”

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-orientated or freaked out.”

And here’s a preview of Madonna’s new video for her new single, ‘Give Me Your Luvin” which features American Footballers and stuff!

Super Bowl Sunday is nearly upon us, leaving 99.9% of the Great British public absolutely nonplussed. The remaining 1% is made entirely of 3 super fans and a host of the curious. Still, that shouldn’t stop us looking at it.

See, the Super Bowl is one of the most peculiar events on the planet. It’s probably the biggest sporting event that is honest enough to let-on that, basically, the game itself is the least important element of it.

And there’s so much else to pick at. The commercials are a big talking point, not to mention the halftime show (this year, featuring Madonna). One of the best things about American events is the need to sing the awful and saccharine National Anthem. With that, we are going to look at some of the worst renditions of the Star Spangled Banner, EVER.

There’s a long, long history of people ballsing up the American national anthem, with some more notable than others. With Kelly Clarkson performing the 2012 Super Bowl anthem, we can only hope she accidentally shouts “BIN LADEN!” or something during the middle of it.

Mainly because we like furore in all forms.

Anyway, let us look at the worst national anthems. We’ve invariably missed your favourite, so you should leave a comment with a link to your most loved car-crash.

Here’s ours.

Michael Bolton

Check out the massive error and resulting gun-fingers! Not to mention the odd delay which makes Michael Bolton sound like he’s singing from inside a robot’s wang. LOVELY!

Steven Tyler

Check out what he changes the last words to. What a gargantuan penis.

BEST NATIONAL ANTHEM BALLS UP EVER

The poor lass singing at what appears to be a Canadian hockey match (so why the USA anthem?) repeatedly forgets the words, goes to get a print-out of them and then falls flat on her backside. Amazing.

Christina Aguilera

Xtina’s famous flub which only works if you know the words to the American anthem.

Marvin Gaye

Hey! You know what the Star Spangled Banner has always been missing? Some cocaine fueled sex vibes!

Roseanne Barr

Roseanne can’t sing. She didn’t let that stop her. Few got the joke.

Carl Lewis

Carl Lewis is one of the most gifted athletes ever. Alas, when it comes to singing, he’s more like Wesley Willis. He chickens out on a big note after making one of the most ghastly noises on the planet, prior.

And finally…

Whitney Houston

Okay. If you want to knock it out of the park, then Whitney back in ’91 gives everyone an absolute masterclass in pomp and circumstance. THIS is how you tart up an anthem!

Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.

Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.

And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…

The video for ‘Stupid Hoe’ (or ‘Stupid Stupid’ if you’re listening to the edited, radio-friendly version) is the usual bubblegum Grace Jones schtick, with Minaj batting her eyelashes like a prom queen, as well as the typical post-GaGa ‘unusual make-up’ thing.

So far, so Minaj-by-numbers.

However, the song itself lacks the synth-wizz that adorns 99% of pop-tracks currently. Instead, she’s gone for a sparse drum-machine, basskick number, complete with a ‘woopwoop’ noise that is more irritating that a thousand toddlers vying for your attention.

Essentially, listening to a Nicki Minaj record allows you to feel the unswerving anguish of being a teacher at a kindergarten.

And so, forget all that obvious talent she’s got and get your ears round this. You may titter at some of her lyrics (especially those concerning Roman Polanski and Michael Jackson), but alas, you may never even get to them as you hack at your ears with a stapler in a bid to make it all end.

LUCKY YOU! ENJOY! ETC!

Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career.

We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up a word document instead.

Now make a list of all the Matthew Broderick films of which you can remember. Done that? Now cross out all the ones that weren’t artistic travesties. Come on, be honest with yourselves. By the way if you didn’t cross out Godzilla it’s probably best if you cease this exercie immediately.

As a reliable rule of thumb one should master cutlery before tacking cultural discourse on the internet.

Don’t look on Wikipedia, that’s cheating. Now how many films have you got? Not many eh? 3, 4, 5 maybe? Weird isn’t it for an almost 30 year career?  We were surprised because we like equine bothering super nice-guy Matthew Broderick. The reason any of us still have a soft spot for him is because of Ferris Bueller.

If you like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, then you’ll probably love the new Honda commercial/Bueller homage made for the crazily valuable Superbowl commercial break slot. We say probably because you may feel there’s some ‘selling out’ issue. If that’s the case you may just have to accept that movies aren’t early 80s hardcore punk and that Matthew Broderick isn’t Henry Rollins.

Once you’ve done that then you can sit back and enjoy. Then depending on how keen you are, watch it again and look out  for the subtle details that were put there for your nerd-ass.

Oh, and try not to think about the fact that he looks like  70 year old botoxed woman when he has the towel on his head.

There isn’t much to be said about Harry Derbidge that hasn’t already been said. By that we mean that there is very little to say about Harry Derbidge aside from the fact that he appears to have an IQ comparable to that of a brain-damaged heron. In fact, up until today we hadn’t actually heard of anyone called Harry Derbidge and assumed that a ‘derbidge’ was a way of accessing a castle.

Of course we know better now and our apologies go to the young Mr Derbidge who has spent the weekend garnering our respect by winning a massive important award! Yeah! Screw the brain-dead attention seekers of The Only Way Is Essex! Their former colleague Harry has picked up the coveted “Idiots’ Idiot” award at a hastily arranged ceremony sponsored by hecklerspray.

Let’s hear it for Harry, readers!

Yes, at the glitzy ceremony which was held in one of Manchester’s fashionable disused industrial estates, Mr Derbidge was presented with the award by The hecklerspray Phantom who took the opportunity of meeting one of its favourite idiots to vomit ectoplasm in the reality star’s face.

There were so many nominees for the “Idiots’ Idiot Award” that we had to have an overflow industrial estate just to fit them all in. The ceremony was piped into the buildings via an internet feed before the giant buildings were flooded with a potent nerve gas that will put most of them out of commission for around three months. Everyone except Frankie Cocozza who swanned out of the front door claiming he’d had worse Sunday evenings.

The judges had such a tough time picking a winner that it took a very special “Twitter Tie Break” to smash through the stalemate and propel Harry to the title of Idiots’ Idiot 2012. To contextualise, when it was announced that he wouldn’t be returning for a fourth series of TOWIE, he naturally decided he hated everyone he had previously pretended to be friends with for money. He tweeted:

‘Omg have you all just seriously seen that towie advert where everyone is saying shut up… I have been catchphrased robbed! X’

It takes a really special kind of idiot to believe that “shut up” is a catchphrase. It’s no ‘What’s Up, Doc?’ is it? It’s just something that around 95% of the English-speaking world says on a regular basis. Good on him though for being deluded enough to believe that he has some sort of intellectual property right on a common utterance.

It won him a shit, hastily fictionalised award which is a damn-sight more than he’ll be winning any time soon.

Everyone has a soft spot for Scaletrix and slot car racing. There’s something incredibly satisfying about watching little cars veer off the track at the squeeze of a trigger. No, not in a JFK way you monster!

The dream, as a kid, is to make bigger, fancier tracks with increasingly faster cars.

Well, a group of brilliantly nerdy old men from Finland have made that dream a reality, with slot cars that go at 100mph. The video that accompanies this article is brain-frying.

That’s right.

Some blokes have decided to make mega-fast overlord slot-racers that travel so quickly along a giganto track that your eyes will probably fall out of your head in your attempts to keep up.

Imagine actually being trackside.

You’d invariably puke into your hand with inertia. That, of course, is one of the finest pasttimes there is.

Anyway, no more waffle. What the little cars travelling at ludicrous speeds. Feel free to do the calculations and scale the cars to full size in your mind, and work out how fast they’d be travelling in the real world.

BROOM!

Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

Christian Bale is like a real life Batman, by which we mean, he’s a very wealthy man who can’t stop meddling in people’s business. First, he got bothered by some Chinese security while trying to visit some deaf bloke or something… and now, he’s mucking about with vagrants!

See, two tramps started having a scrap and Bale wasn’t having any of it!

Over Christmas (yeah, this is hot off the press!), the Batman star stepped in to break up a fight between two horrible pungent homeless men in California. Was he doing it for the good of those fighting? OF COURSE NOT.

See, the actor was shopping near his home in Brentwood, Los Angeles (hello stalkers! Yes indeed, Bale lives in Brentwood, LA, should you want to follow him around, dribbling on yourselves and fumbling in your trousers) when he spied two vagrants engaged in a heated altercation.

Alas, powered by meth or special-brew (or both if they had any class), the war of slurs escalated and Bale had to swoop in like some kind of nondescript superhero and intervene!

He told the odorous pillocks to take it elsewhere – away from all the non-stinky, home-having families that were enjoying the peaceful surroundings.

That’s right! Not a care for the gruesome life of a hobo! Nice, middle class people were dry-heaving and wanted to enjoy the sanctity of civilisation. They’re all idiots of course. They should’ve whipped out their smartphones and filmed it all. They would’ve had a YouTube smash on their hands, especially if they’d goaded one of the vagrants to try lamping Batman one.

An eyewitness said:

“I could not believe what I was seeing. It wasn’t clear what the people were arguing about – but it soon became apparent that their conversation was heading toward a violent incident.

A ‘violent incident’? Is that how people talk now? Anyway, they continued:

“One of the homeless guys cocked back his fist and was just about to strike the other man – but out of nowhere Christian Bale appeared and got in the middle of them! Christian acted like a referee and told the homeless men to take it elsewhere”

Insert your own ‘KAPOW!’ jokes.

Only America could host the idea of having a commercial about a commercial. And that’s exactly what VW have done in the build-up to the Super Bowl, which of course, is more of a marketing showreel than an actual sporting event.

Hell. American Football is barely a sport in itself. Ostensibly, it’s two teams of androids running at each other screaming. What’s not to like?

Anyway, the commercial about a commercial features a squad of dogs all in Star Wars garb and  together, they sing a very familiar tune. Click over the jump to watch it. And no, we’re not getting paid for this.

Last year, we saw VW flogging their Passat with an advert called ‘The Force’ which showed a little Vader trying to use his powers around the house.

The company behind that have come up with another Star Wars themed commercial and George Lucas obvious doesn’t mind coining it in for zero work. So how do you top Mini Vader? DOGS. And VW stuck out a teaser for the upcoming VW Super Bowl commercial.

And Super Bowl ads are not to be sniffed at. This year, companies are paying an average of $3.5 million for 30 seconds of advertising time in the big game (which is on February 5th).

But you don’t care about that.

You want to see a bunch of dogs dressed in Star Wars outfits singing a song don’t you? Keep an eye out for the AT-AT. Absolute show stealer.

Zooey Deschanel is one of those women people fancy when they haven’t seen her act in anything. Once you see her in a moving picture, you can’t help but wish her ill. That whole kooky, sub-standard Goldie Hawn thing she’s got going on? Loathesome.

She sings cutesy wutesy songs and cocks her head to one side while biting her lip, acting like she’s 10 years old despite being in her thirties. It’s creepy!

And so, it isn’t surprising at all to hear her say she got bullied so much at school, that people spat at her.

For anyone outraged, who read the last sentiment as an approval of spitting at Zooey Deschanel, you’re wrong. Although, that said, having seen New Girl, it’s not surprising that people would spit with venom, showering everything in sight as they swear at everything under the sky.

No. We’re not surprised that Zoeey has SAID she was bullied at school because that’s what kooky celebrities do. They were always bullied. There’s probably someone who went to school with her, reading this, thinking “Wait. She was really, really popular as far as I can remember!“

Deschanel told the mighty authority that is Allure magazine:

“Girls spit in my face. People were so mean to me. I’d cry every day.”

Poor Zoeey. Still, undeterred, she went on to study at Northwestern University in Illinois  and… well, get this…

“I went to Northwestern because I had gone to a really non-traditional high school. I was like, ‘It’d be cool to have a traditional college experience’. Then I was like, ‘Oh, but none of these people understand what’s cool about me. My specialness is not appreciated in this place.’”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GOD! OH SWEET BARE-CHESTED JESUS CHRIST ON HORSEBACK!

SHE IS SO IRRITATING!

Kanye West is not a talented rapper. Sure, he’s great at getting heard, getting famous and coming up with mad-schemes to stay in the limelight, but he’s rapping… let us just say he’s a slower wordsmith than Turbo B from Snap!

Still, an attention-seeker always gets attention.

And it appears that he’s always been like that, as a video has emerged online of Kanye performing a poem when he was a little biddy 12 year old. Wanna see it?

The footage shows Yeezy reciting ‘His Name Means Love’, a poem dedicated to Martin Luther King Jr, who would have been 83 yesterday.

It seems the video was posted online by one of his old classmates at Vanderpoel Elementary School in Chicago.

Oddly enough, if appears that ‘Ye had more stage-presence and authority back in 1990 than he does now. He certainly sounds more convincing with the mic at 12 than he does these days.

Well, you would put your back into it if it was MLK, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, enough chat. Watch this video now and wonder where it all went wrong.

Befanged, alt.lifestyle tourist, Avril Lavigne, long ago decided that being a skatergirl wasn’t for her because acne, greasy hair and ill-fitting jeans wasn’t at all attractive. And so, she promptly went mental, spat at some photographers and became airbrushed.

Losing her raison d’être, she tottered off into some pop-twilight, only getting column inches for her clearly tedious private life.

Things livened up briefly when she got into a bar-room brawl with some women, which left her bozo hunk of a fella – Brody Jenner (how is that not a girl’s name?) – with a bit gash on his face. No, we’re not talking about him fellating Lavigne. Alas, now, she’s got nothing as the pair have decided to wave ta-ta to their relationship.

A source confirms to E! News (the people who did an amazingly lousy job of covering the Golden Globes) that the cod-rocker and Jenner have split, after courting for almost two years.

The funny thing is, is that shortly after this pair got together, they got tattoos of each other’s names on their pale, healthless skin. It’d be fun watching Lavigne trying to bite said branding off with her weird, pointed teeth.

Alas, the only person Avril has in her life now is her stalker. That’s it. There’s not only someone sad enough to stalk a barely famous person, but now, he’s the leading man in her desperate life.

In fairness, this could get really good for us leeches who write about celeb-misery.

See, when Tatu stopped being famous, they paraded around their videos naked and had photoshoots while naked and pregnant. The more desperate they became, the more outlandish their neediness was.

And so, we hope the same for Avril Lavigne. We fully expect to see some kind of leaked nude (she’s been holding that particular top-trump since she first appeared on the pop radar) and potentially some kind of drink-induced nervous breakdown, before finding solace in rehab (America’s confession booth).

Countdown to Avrilageddon starts…

…NOW!

(Just don’t tell her that Taylor Momsen has already beaten her to every attention seeking trick that a supposedly alt.girl can do, okay?)

Lana Del Rey hasn’t even got her debut LP out and yet, somehow, the backlash has already begun! We say ‘somehow’; we know exactly why it has started – she makes really awful music and she’s obviously getting very famous because she’s easy on the eye.

Naturally, that’s not a new criticism against pop-music, but who cares? If Lana Del Rey can rely on the same tired cliches of the alt.pop of yore, then we can certainly chide it for the same old boring reasons.

And oddly, we’re not the only ones who think that Del Rey has a whiff of Emperor’s New Clothes about her. The Also Makes Lousy Music actress, Juliette Lewis, has criticised Lana Del Rey’s performance on Saturday Night Live.

Lana Del Rey appeared on SNL performing her drip-hop tracks, ‘Video Games’ and ‘Blue Jeans’. Lewis didn’t hang around waiting to have a pop at her via twitter:

Wow watching this ‘singer’ on SNL is like watching a 12 yearold in their bedroom when theyre pretending to sing and perform #signofourtimes

The irony here, of course, is that Lewis wouldn’t have a music career if it wasn’t for her being an already famous actress. See also: Zooey Deschanel in She & Him.

In the interests of fairness, hecklerspray would like to see Lewis, Deschanel AND Del Rey all shutting the frig up, forever and ever amen. Lousy music made by people with a fast-tracked career path, thanks to something remarkable away from their mediocre musical prowess.

What we’re saying is, if you like Lana Del Rey’s music, you must be either 8 years old or too proud to admit that you fancy her.

Not that Del Rey agrees.

”I got it because I’m a good musician. And I may not have a record out now, but I have been singing for a very long time, and I think that ['SNL' creator] Lorne Michaels knows that, and everyone over there knows that.”

Yes. But would the fanboys and doting girls still fizz themselves into next week if you had a hare-lip and an iron claw?

Either way, if you include our involvement too, this is the most pointless spat in the history of anything, ever. Seriously. We should all be taken into a public square and flogged to death.

Until then, Lana Del Rey sucks and you’re scum for liking her music.