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Badvertising: Safestyle UK

by Stuart Heritage

You know how adverts for expensive perfume are bewilderingly oblique to the point that you often spend up to 30 minutes afterwards scratching your head and wondering what you’d just watched?

That feeling isn’t just limited to perfume commercials, you know. The Safestyle double glazing TV adverts have been running on and off for years, and yet every time one of them is broadcast we find ourselves quivering in the foetal position trying to chew our own shoulder off afterwards because we just can’t work any of it out.

In short, the Safestyle ad is a commercial so confusing that this is the only logical conversation that could have possibly taken place at the advertising brainstorming meeting:

Safestyle executive: “OK, so the benefits of double glazing are clear to everyone – noise reduction, heat insulation, security – and we’d also like to highlight some of our financial incentives as well. Any ideas?”

Advertiser: “Yes! Why don’t we find a obnoxious, self-consciously wacky bald man who looks like he’s from Narnia and makes Barry Scott look like the world’s finest Shakespearean actor, dress him up like a Medieval time-traveller from the future and make him walk around the world’s cheapest set destroying your own products and bellowing at the viewers in a way that’s virtually guaranteed to offend all of them into never using your company for anything?”

Safestyle executive: “Well, um, that’s not really…”

Advertiser: “I saved your life, John. Remember? In the war? I dragged your injured body to safety through minefields and machine gun fire. You said you were forever indebted to me. Remember that?”

Safestyle executive: “Oh, alright then.”

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Eurovision Brings Back Juries Just To Annoy The Ruskies

by Stuart Heritage

Fact: every conversation about Eurovision in recent years will have included the phrase “Oh, but it’s so political these days” at least 500 times.

That’s because it’s true. The Eurovision Song Contest has got so political these days. The proof? The UK hasn’t won Eurovision for over a decade, regardless of whether we’ve entered a rubbish holiday camp cabaret act or a hamfisted reality TV show runner-up. It’s a flipping disgrace.

But Eurovision won’t be political for much longer, because Eurovision bigwigs are bringing back national juries in a bid to end the tactical voting that’s destroyed the contest’s credibility in recent years. At last! Now when the UK comes last at next year’sEurovision we’ll know for certain that it was because our entry was genuinely awful and not because everyone’s quite scared of Vladimir Putin.

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God Tries to Destroy Big Brother America

by Matthew Laidlow

The most exciting event in Big Brother history has just happened. Unfortunately, the incident happened in America and not in the UK where so far the most exciting thing to do for viewers is count how many times Luke mentions the £100k cheque. We’re always told that things don’t go truly mental until the series [...]

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Everyone Gets All Sad About Being Crap At Eurovision

by Stuart Heritage

In case you missed the news, the UK is the rubbishest in the world at Eurovision – even rubbisher than Spain’s creepy Elvis-geek.

On Saturday the UK Eurovision entry Andy Abraham came joint last – along with some nondescript Germans and a Polish tooth machine who looks like she bathes in Ronseal – causing Terry Wogan to mumble furiously about political block voting and boycotts and even his own resignation if our crap songs weren’t taken as seriously as mainland Europe’s crap songs in the future.

And now Terry Wogan’s outraged warcry has been backed up by none other than Bruce Forsyth. Old men grumbling about stuff. Who’d have thought?

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Eurovision Betting Odds: Andy Abraham, UK

by Stuart Heritage

So this is it – both Eurovision semi-finals have been and gone and everything’s set for tomorrow’s Eurovision Song Contest final.

If you haven’t placed a Eurovision bet yet, then this is the time to do so. The odds are currently flying around all over the place, so get in quick. It couldn’t be simpler to do. And, as for today, we’ve save the best for last. Well, OK, maybe not the best. We’ve saved the alphabetically final for last. Yes, that’s better.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Andy Abraham and the UK, with help from Paddy Power…

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Andy Abrahams Chosen To Lose Eurovision For Us This Year

by Stuart Heritage

In each year’s Eurovision Song Contest, there’s always one bland-looking middle-aged man singing a hopelessly generic, instantly forgettable disco tune with ’16th place’ written all over it.

And this year it’s us.

Andy Abraham, an X Factor runner-up from 2005, won Eurovision: Your Decision on Saturday night, which means he’ll be representing us at the Eurovision Song Contest in May with his song Even If. And that would be fine, except that a) everyone involved in the show obviously wanted Michelle Gayle to win, and b) Andy Abraham’s song is a big sack of donkey bollocks. Honestly, not a single homosexual blowjob joke. Who do these people think we are?

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