In case you missed the news, the UK is the rubbishest in the world at Eurovision – even rubbisher than Spain’s creepy Elvis-geek.
On Saturday the UK Eurovision entry Andy Abraham came joint last – along with some nondescript Germans and a Polish tooth machine who looks like she bathes in Ronseal – causing Terry Wogan to mumble furiously about political block voting and boycotts and even his own resignation if our crap songs weren’t taken as seriously as mainland Europe’s crap songs in the future.
And now Terry Wogan’s outraged warcry has been backed up by none other than Bruce Forsyth. Old men grumbling about stuff? Who’d have thought?
We wouldn’t like to be Andy Abraham at the moment. After coming joint last in Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest, Andy’s managed to become the most high profile British loser in all of Europe. And that’s saying something, given John Terry‘s proven inability to stand up and kick a football at the same time.
Scoring points from just two out of 43 countries, Even If by Andy Abraham is going to go down in history as a song that’s even less successful than Scooch. Than Scooch, for christ’s sake. Watching your children get gang-raped by bears has to be less painful than that.
And that’s why the angry Eurovision backlash has begun. It started during Eurovision itself, as Terry Wogan started to mutter darkly about western Europe boycotting the contest because Eurovision was no longer a music contest while watching several former-Soviet countries give full marks to the Russian entry.
Andy Abraham had one of our best entries in years, Wogan said. It didn’t matter that it sounded like the theme tune to Supermarket Sweep, or that it was the second song to be performed out of 25 so everyone forgot about it when they voted, or that it was completely free of any memorable traits whatsoever – we should have won and because we didn’t we should pick our ball up and go home.
And now Terry Wogan has received some high-profile backing from an 80-year-old chinny dancer and the man who Kerry Katona named her child after. The Press Association reports:
Showbusiness legend Bruce Forsyth said: “I agree with him. It’s not a song contest any more, it’s political. It’s all so biased, it’s developed into a farce. I’ve stopped watching it, the last couple of years.”… Public relations guru Max Clifford commented: “Terry Wogan is spot on. It’s all about politics and block voting and nothing to do with the merits of a song. It’s like having a World Cup where the results are worked out in political terms and it’s got nothing to do with who scores the most goals.”
So what’s going to happen? Is the UK really going to retreat from Eurovision? There’ll be a bit of a catch-22 scenario if it does, because the UK pays for about 40% of Eurovision’s running costs at the moment. If the UK quits Eurovision then the lack of money will force several other smaller former Soviet countries out of the contest, too, effectively dismantling the eastern voting block. With that gone, the competition will be fairer and the UK stands a decent hope of winning. Until it decides to rejoin Eurovision, of course, because then it’ll pay for everything again and the eastern voting block will be able to afford to rejoin as well and we’re all back at square one.
Oh, it’s a tricky one. Why can’t Eurovision be fair and simple like it was in the old days, when it was won and lost depending on which crackpot fascist nationalist dictator happened to be in power at any given time? Such a simpler time.
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Gilbert Wham says
The way forward for Eurovision, is to try and beat Finland at their own game and become more Metal than them. Wheel Venom out of retirement, perhaps?