Queen Bee of the America’s Next Top Model Bitches, Tyra Banks, can smile with her eyeballs. Now, she’s winking with her pelvic floor muscles as she begins a period in her life which is completely condomless. What? She’s trying to catch a sexually transmitted disease?!

Don’t be silly. Obviously, she’s trying to get pregnant because she’s reached that stage of her life when she feels like she’s got absolutely nothing to offer the world other than identical pictures of a baby coughing up mashed-up swede through it’s crusty little nose holes.

Imagine Tyra’s mothering skills! *shudder*

For some inexplicable reason, CNN are still showing ‘Piers Morgan Tonight’ as the network still hasn’t worked out that this pudding faced git box has about as much charisma as a pan lid. It was on his show that Smizer decided to tell the world that her legs where very much open all hours at the moment in her and her boyfriend (some twit called John Utendahl) are desperate to get a child stuffed up their like a clergyman, quivering in a priest hole.

As proof, here are some of the words she said:

“I definitely want babies”

See? That’s absolutely conclusive.

Piers Morgan went deeper down the rabbit hole and asked if she was trying. Tyra coyly replied:

“Yeah, maybe.”

SEE?! She’s DEFINITELY having a baby! She’s probably got a dozen or so growing inside a special back-pouch as we speak!

But she’s not going to bother getting married before she has a chile, mainly because marriage is a wholly useless, old-fashioned construct for people who simply can’t wrestle free from pointless superstition and routine. Or, in the words of Banks

“I don’t think it’s necessarily necessary.”

Whatever.

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Does anybody still watch America’s Next Top Model? No? Fine, whatevs. Unbelievably there was a time when watching 12 underweight, malnourished and grossly over-confident girls harp on about who “wants it” more was compulsive viewing.

Well, compulsive viewing for people with too much time on their hands that is. Normal people would find it more entertaining and fulfilling to throw some tramps under Waterloo bridge a few crusts of bread and watch them wrestle for it.

Alas, ANTM is just as embarrassingly addictive and chock full’o pricks as X-Factor and The Apprentice but if you thought Simon Cowell and Lord Suralan were obsessed with making their respective shows all about them, you’ve clearly never encountered the narcissistic world of Tyra “MEMEMEMEMEMEME” Banks.

D’you know what happens when a extremely beautiful person seems to only exist to tell you how beautiful they are? Well, apart from wanting to tear your own jaw off and throw it at them, the words soon begin to lose all meaning. The same can be said for Ms Banks who’s so obsessed with telling us how successful she was that no-one believes her anymore.

Despite all that ANTM is still a perfect way to waste an hour right behind gnawing your own arm off and this series is no different. We’ve got the plus size girl who says she’ll fight to get into the industry, only to collapse in tears when she realises nothing fits. There’s the one who won’t stop crying because she misses her child. The one who defied her God-fearing parents by getting knocked up before she was legal and thinking that getting married makes it all OK. So basically it’s the same as always but that’s what makes it so great.

This week, the girls were asked to create chemistry with their ‘noted’ fashion photographer Nigel Barker in preparation for a photoshoot with a fat and unfunny comedian.

Admittedly these ladies are quite young but we’re unsure whether saying “let’s get naked” is the best way to create chemistry. A sexual assault yes, but not chemistry. The main photoshoot was shot in NYC’s infamous Canal Street, the go to location for designer knock-offs faker than Tyra’s ponytail.

The objective was to work with the ridiculous styling to sell the clothes. Need a visual? Imagine what Mr Blobby would look like if he slimmed down, draped himself in Claire’s Accessories and stole Rod Stewart’s barnet from 1976.

Apparently that’s “high fashion”.

Anywhoo, Tatianna couldn’t do it and was sent home. The preview of next week promises to show us something we’ve never seen; loud black women arguing.

CAN’T WAIT.

Tyra Banks is a very talented woman. She’s able to smile with her eyes, which is great, but she’s also able to grimace with her ear-holes and frown with her arse. What an amazing human being she is.

And now, she’s also obtained the skill of being sued by the mother of a 15-year-old sex addict. Whack that on the curriculum vitae.

That’s right dearest reader, Tyra Banks and Warner Bros Entertainment are being sued for $3m over allegations that a 15-year-old self-confessed sex addict appeared on The Tyra Show without her mother’s consent. What? Did you expect this to be a tale about a child humping a former supermodel’s back? You sick shits.

Beverly McClendon is claiming that her daughter, Jewel Ciera, was flown to New York in November 2009 behind her back after replying to a casting call.

As a result of this (presumably she’s only just finished a two-year shouting bout with her ‘wayward’ daughter) the angry mother has filed a lawsuit against Warner Bros Entertainment, Tyra Banks and the executive producers of the chatshow.

She’s arguing that under labour laws in her home state of Georgia, producers should have sought parental consent for her daughter to fly to New York, stay alone in a hotel room and appear on television.

She’s also probably worried that her sex-addicted daughter was dry-humping the remote control in her hotel room while French kissing a shower-cap or something (shower caps are proper slags y’know?).

The suit argues that the show was ‘undoubtedly watched by sexual deviants, perverts and paedophiles alike’. Or, reading between the lines, watched by people jacking off to a child talking about how much their genitals have been getting.

Sadly, if it only takes the mere mention of a child and their sexual exploits to arouse a pervert, then really, the mother should sue her own lawsuit as well.

Anyway, the mother is seeking compensatory damages of $1m, punitive damages of $2m and an injunction against further distribution of her child’s TV appearance.

It’s probably a good idea that no-one tells the mother about this thing called ‘the internet’ eh?

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There are close to seven billion people on Earth right now. Stalkers aren’t exactly tripping over each other for fresh victims.

And yet Brady Green still stalked Tyra Banks. He could have tried stalking anyone else – someone who can only articulate their feelings without using a series of preposterous facial expressions, perhaps, or someone who seems pleasant – but no. Brady Green decided to stalk Tyra Banks, and now he’s been convicted.

Alright, technically Brady Green was convicted of stalking, harassment, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment, but that’s only because you can’t be convicted of having dreadful taste in women.

We don’t want to labour the point here, but why would you stalk Tyra Banks? Honestly, why? The way we see it, you’re only going to get one of two responses from her.

Fail in your creepy attempts to woo Tyra Banks and all you’ll get from her is an earful of shrill abuse. Succeed and you’ll be forced to listen to her bleating all kinds of poxy self-help nonsense about how much she values your ability to validate her feelings for the rest of your life. Choosing between the two of them would be like choosing between sandpapering your eyeballs or sandpapering your nutsack.

But, in retrospect, we suppose that stalkers aren’t especially known for their clarity of thought. And that’s why Brady Green deserves our pity. The only crime that Brady Green was guilty of was to be in love with Tyra Banks. Unless you count following Tyra Banks around everywhere and threatening to slash the throat of one of her assistants, because technically they’re also crimes that he’s guilty of. People reports:

Supermodel Tyra Banks’s stalker Brady Green was convicted of stalking, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment Thursday morning at Manhattan’s criminal court. Though the crime carried a possible 90-day jail sentence, Burke did not sentence the defendant to any jail time, instead instructing his lawyer, Jeffrey Berman: “Put Mr. Green in a location where he can thrive. And that location is not likely to be the city of New York.”

A location where he can thrive? What a foolish thing to say. By far the thing that Brady Green is most famous for at the moment is stalking Tyra Banks, so where’s the best place for him to thrive? That’s right, Tyra Banks’s knicker cabinet. Is that really such a good idea? Is it? Because it sounds like a recipe for disaster to us.

Anyway, at least now this stalking ordeal is over for Tyra Banks and she can get on with her life as normal. Obviously by ‘as normal’ we mean ‘presenting the next season of America’s Next Top Model from within the confines of a foot-thick crystal sphere that comes with its own oxygen supply’ but whatever.

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What’s nice about America’s Next Top Model is that it takes a young girl who really isn’t good at anything at all, and somehow turns that into a positive.

Throughout a typical season several competing girls learn to take their overall dearth of life-skills and fling them at the camera like a monkey flings fecal matter that’s been picked clean of all its nutritional value. It’s an ode to humanity if you think about it; girls come from nothing, Tyra intervenes, girls receive the potential to make loads of money all over the place by blankly staring into the business end of George Eastman‘s big glass eye.

But what happens if a would-be contestant just has too many penises? Would his bulgy bikini shots be a life-long demerit.  Not if Tyra has anything to say about it. Which she does, especially in this case – she’s paying to have one of the show’s contestants get their man-hammer cut off with knives.

Seriously. Sounds like a ratings winner.

The thing about gender is it’s very fickle. Why, in New Guinea there’s an entire tribe of people whose gender for the day is decided by whatever melon they choose to eat for breakfast. It’s potent stuff. Has something to do with seed count. Science can’t explain it, and so we don’t feel obligated to either.

The point being when someone is born into this world it’s never with a specific masculine or feminine destiny in mind. The human race was not meant to be dictated by the little stick figures that grace most public bathroom doors. Just ask Stu.

Think about it – why else would the male penis be so easily detachable. The only thing really separating man from becoming a more genderless woman is getting caught naked in a strong gust of wind too near a pile of loose shingles.

Is that vague?

Tyra Banks understands this all too well. That’s why she’s taking the opportunity to help the first gender-bending contestant on America’s Next Top Model get a free sex change. As Hollyscoop puts it:

“Isis [the transgender contestant from ...Top Model] appeared on Tyra to talk about her struggles with her situation, and that she tried not to let it affect her time on Top Model.

“Tyra Banks then introduces Isis to Dr. Marci Bowers, a leading gender reassignment surgeon who has experienced the surgery herself. Isis hasn’t been able to pay for the pricy surgery, which is why Dr. Bowers offers to pay for it herself. Pretty nice of her, huh?”

Well, hecklerspray just hopes Isis understands this surgery could have heavy-handed consequences when it comes to his/her right to vote in several countries around the world.

Also it’ll probably reduce his/her lawn mowing ability. These are the kind of things pre-op transgenders just don’t ever really think about.

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What would America's Next Top Model be like if a gang of dim-looking skinny idiots didn't screech "Tyra mail!" every 3.2 seconds?

We might soon find out, because word from America's Top Model is that Tyra Banks is getting on so badly with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel that she's threatening to quit the show. But is there anyone else who can say "you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Model," with Tyra Banks' utter lack of feeling or expression?

Obviously when we said "we might soon find out," we didn't mean us specifically. We wouldn't be caught dead watching America's Next Top Model. Ahem. 

Oh, who are we kidding? We watch America's Next Top Model all the time. And when we're not watching America's Next Top Model we're thinking about America's Next Top Model. And when we're not thinking about America's Next Top Model it's because we're deliberately vomiting our meals back up so we can look like America's Next Top Model.

And the reason why we literally – yes, literally – can't stop watching America's Next Top Model is Tyra Banks. That's because nothing Tyra Banks ever says or does comes within a million miles of making sense. She just sort of rolls in at the end of each episode looking like the twinkliest button in the box, hands out complicated modelling advice via a series of inexplicably abstract facial expressions, hugs some people like an autistic germaphobe and then bibbles off home again.

No wonder that guy tried to stalk Tyra Banks – he was probably trying to absorb some of her freakish oddness.

But now it seems as if America's Next Top Model might have to go on without Tyra Banks. According to rumours, Tyra Banks keeps falling out with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel – who we think is the fearsomely camp chap who takes two pictures of each model a week while screaming things like "Angles!" and "Really find the expression in that chin!" at them as if they'd personally offended him – and now she might leave. OK! reports:

“Tyra Banks is not getting along with Jay Manuel,” an insider tells OK! “She thinks he has become a diva and is ungrateful to her for making him a star. The way she sees it, it’s thanks to her that he now has a makeup line, a show on Style Network and hosts Canada’s version of Top Model.” So how bad has it gotten? So bad that the 34-year-old supermodel reportedly phones in all her takes for the show now. “Tyra barely interacts with the contestants and only wants to show up on judging day," the source adds."

While we couldn't possibly imagine that a supermodel is capable of being demanding and self-centred, perhaps Tyra Banks really is ready to give up America's Next Top Model. And if that's true then finding a replacement is going to be a near-impossible task Who else will be able to take a job that's broadly based upon genetics and the ability to wear clothes and make it sound even more complicated than advanced paediatric neuroscience to justify their fortune so deftly?

Well, there's always Naomi Campbell. She's got the same amount of supermodelling experience as Tyra Banks, so she's be able to pass off the same amount of invaluable modelling advice. Plus if Jay Manuel ever gives Naomi any shit, he'll be fishing a mobile phone out of his shattered skull before he knows it. 

Read more:

Tyra Banks vs. Jay Manuel? – OK 

A man purported to be Tyra Banks' stalker has been freed by police a day after getting arrested – but don't worry, because he sounds a bit crap.

Brady Green is accused of constantly leaving phone messages for Tyra Banks, sending her flowers and letters and turning up at her TV studio unannounced. Which, you know, is hardly sending her dildos or drawing threatening cartoons of her.

Worryingly, though, Brady Green is back on the streets after police charged and released him. Obviously the sensible thing would have been to lock him away in a nuthouse because, seriously, we didn't think anyone liked Tyra Banks at all, let alone enough to actually follow her around and stuff.

There's a fine line between being a fan of a celebrity and being a stalker. Ask for an autograph and you're a fan, but ask for a cheek swab so you can try and create little genetic replications of them and suddenly you're a stalker. If you send fanmail you're a fan, but seal the envelope with jizz and you're a stalker. Two lessons we won't be making again, and we'd like to take this chance once again to apologise wholeheartedly to Shakira.

Sometimes a stalker is quite clearly defined, like when they send you boxes of dildos or try to explode airports in your name, but what if someone just sends a few letters and bunches of flowers and phones you a bit and follows you around with a big bag full of magazine clippings of you and letters to themselves chronicling all the various unsuccessful times they've tried to contact you? Does that make them a stalker?

Apparently it does, because that's what one Tyra Banks fan has been doing and he got himself arrested for it, as E! Online reports:

A Georgia man accused of stalking the supermodel chat-show host was arrested last Tuesday after paying multiple unwanted visits to the New York studio that houses Banks' show… Cops were called to the studio and escorted Green off the premises; however, Green was spotted back outside the studio just three hours later. Cops once again returned to the scene, this time making the arrest. Green, who according to the New York Post first told police he was homeless, was charged with two counts of stalking, harassment and criminal trespass. He pleaded not guilty to all three charges in Manhattan Criminal Court the following day and was subsequently released by the judge on his own recognizance.

And it looks like Brady Green's days of stalking Tyra Banks are over, because he'd been hit with an interim restraining order to keep him away from her until his case comes up. And he wouldn't want to get in trouble.

We're no experts but, having watched Tyra's eccentric crackpot style of hosting of America's Next Top Model, we can't for the life of us work out why anyone would want to stalk her – unless of course they're conducting a scientific experiment to see what happens when someone as weird as Tyra Banks comes face to face with someone as weird as someone who'd want to stalk Tyra Banks. If that's the case, it's a good job Tyra and Brady never met – it'd probably open some hellish space/time wormhole that'd destroy the world or something.

Anyway, Brady Green didn't deserve to meet Tyra Banks because he obviously went about stalking Tyra Banks all wrong. Flowers and letters are for idiots – if you want Tyra Banks to like you, you just need to tell her that you don't think she's very fat. Forget meeting her, she'll probably want to get married to you after that.

Read more:

Alleged Tyra Stalker Back on Streets – E! Online 

Janice Dickinson has just spent three weeks in the jungle living off nothing but kangaroo anuses and the nervous energy that comes from listening to Christopher Biggins shriek like a schoolgirl every two seconds.

And all this has made Janice Dickinson thin. Not only that, but it's turned Janice Dickinson into a sort of fat-fairy who can twinkle into any room, wiggle her wand and declare that people are either fat or thin depending on nothing more than how she feels at any given moment in time. And, as such, Janice Dickinson has just told the world that Tyra Banks is fat on the Today show. Although Tyra Banks has yet to respond to Janice's fat claim, it's thought that she'll issue a statement by teatime declaring that Janice Dickinson lives in a cardboard box, has fleas and buys all her clothes from Asda.

That's unless she eats it first, the lardy moo.

God, we'd love to be models. Sadly our pallid skin, greenish teeth and aversion to vomiting up every meal we ever eat means we'll probably never get to live that dream, but what a dream it is. If you're a model you get to travel the world looking gaunt and never thinking about anything more challenging than lovely frocks for fear that your brain will burst into flames and – if you're really lucky – you get to knob Pete Doherty. That's the lifestyle we want, damnit!

Oh, also models get to sneer at everyone else in the world because several ancestral genetic flukes have left them with a lucratively withered face and jutted-out ribcage while the rest of us are all slightly paunchy in places. And some of them – like Janice Dickinson – can even sneer at other models for being fat when they clearly aren't anything of the sort.

Janice Dickinson has threatened to kick-start a war of words with Tyra Banks after she called her fat on the Today show yesterday. While discussing Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who was recently pictured on the beach with buttocks so dimply they could be used as novelty peanut dispensers, Janice Dickinson said:

"Jennifer Love Hewitt is a healthy, not emaciated woman. She is a healthy girl. These are unflattering camera angles on her. You want to see someone fat, I'm sorry, Tyra, Tyra Banks is fat!"  

Janice Dickinson's words might seem to you like nothing more than a vaguely childish playground taunt, but they words will cut much deeper for Tyra Banks. Firstly, for a former supermodel to call another former supermodel fat is the third-biggest insult in the trade – after 'Are they split-ends?' and 'Oh my God, did you just, like, actually digest some food?' – and also Tyra Banks already knows she's fat, thank you.

Tyra Banks has such a weird obsession about her weight fluctuations that every third episode of her daytime TV show is devoted to either wearing a fat-suit to understand what being fat is like, shouting angrily into cameras about why people shouldn't call her fat or standing about in a bikini screaming "Worship me! I am a fraction of one percent less fat than I was a month ago!"  

And now Janice Dickinson has just fuelled the fire of Tyra Banks' weight-based neuroses even further with her remarks. While we await Tyra's inevitable public reply – which we assume will either be an outraged monologue on her TV show or a slow slide into weepingly inert Krispy Kreme dependency – perhaps Janice Dickinson should take some time to look at her own behaviour.

After all, Janice Dickinson is one of the lucky ones – we can't all look like a knotted-up sheet of dried-out pigskin, you know.

Read more:

Janice Dickinson: "Tyra Banks Is Fat!" - OK!