He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model. And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model. And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.
Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name. Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.
Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines. The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his. Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.
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So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.
He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.
And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting résumé, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.
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It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.
Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”
Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.
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Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…
…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.
Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!
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Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.
In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.
Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.
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Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.
The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.
Why?
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Well, it’s almost that time of year. You remember, right? The time of year when the two Snow White films come out at exactly the same time, injecting new, vampiric life into the classic tale of Snow White. No seven dwarves here- just TEENAGE ANGST.
Although, if we’re being fair (which we rarely are) the film deserves some credit for taking on a darker note than we had expected while the idea of watching Kristen Stewart engaged in a “who’s hotter” contest to the end of the earth and back with Charlize Theron fills us with the same sense of dread that one gets when you’ve just contracted gastroenteritis.
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Robert Pattinson is crashingly dull. He’s so dull that rain water has been known to hurl itself into furnaces in a bid to escape his terrific tedium. Rumour has it that R-Pattz is so boring that his blood clots into scabs while still in his veins everytime he wakes.
Once, it has been said, Robert Pattinson made an ocean curdle just by absently staring at it. He’s that yawnsome. Someone told us that a field tried to vomit itself to death while Pattinson was stood nearby.
And would you believe it, he’s actually realised that, once the Twilight saga ends, he could well be without a career as everyone is very likely to forget he exists.
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