The Grammys eh?! Phwoar! The Grammys! It’s only on the same day as the BAFTAs, yeah? American music and stuff. Wow! Cor! It’s like a Brit Award that people actually want! Ban- oh. Sorry. This isn’t the Daily Star is it?
Anyway- The 49th Grammy Awards took place last night with very few technical hitches or appearances by professional irritant Kanye West.
At the awards show, broadcast live from LA’s Staples Centre (Center… whatever), the biggest winners were undoubtedly the quintessentially American ‘Lady Antebellum’ who have sent writers across the globe diving for Spotify in an effort to find out what they actually sound like. In case you were wondering; country. Without the ‘o’.
Of course, for hecklerspray, our undoubted trauma of the night was seeing pop-foetus Justin Bieber give his all to the awards ceremony and the assembled glitterati. The girl-faced popster managed to have an introduction where he was given a pep-talk by Grammy winner Usher before being slapped on the shoulder and told to get on with it.
The whining little git was more than happy to oblige. Launching into a low-key acoustic performance of his hit “Meh” before being outshone by ninja drummers (we haven’t made that up).
Their appearance marked a segué from the bland to the ridiculous as the floppy-haired wastrel gave the audience a taste of what he could do by shouting at them about how you should never do anything that you dream of because it will always come back to smack you in the face.
Or something like that.
We’d stopped really paying too much attention by that point. By this point in the performance, the Grammy Academy were frantically steaming open the ‘Best New Artist’ gold envelope, realising that they’d made a terrible mistake.
When it came to the best pop vocal album category he was beaten by Lady Gaga’s ‘The Fame Monster’- fair enough. We don’t imagine anyone but the most hardcore Belieber could take issue with that.
However, when it came to the ‘Best New Artist’ category, many Beliebers watching on television had already artificially moistened their gussets at the promise of a speech from the kid that almost makes Canada unacceptable as a country. Unfortunately the conspiracy was now in full flow- the Academy had cheated Bieber by cheating on him with some deserving artist called Esperanza Spalding.
After the show, Bieber was in congratulatory mood, wishing the Oregon singer the best for the future while his entourage sucked on lollipops and flicked V signs at her. After this however, the internet rumour mill started to churn. While Bieber cried in a specially-built wendy-house that he’d had built to celebrate his victory, the Beliebers sprang into action claiming that the entire award had been fixed in favour of someone with talent and ability.
Of course, Spalding’s victory is a result of her hard work and talent with a variety of instruments. In all seriousness, one need only listen to her album to realise that she was a deserving winner.
However, this will come as scant consolation to the braying mob of tweens who will be lining up to hack her social networking accounts and call her a “tlntlss hore” on forums and comedy blogs all over the world all the while clutching pictures of Bieber between their thighs and daydreaming of a day that will never, ever come.
At hecklerspray, we know when something means a lot to the person concerned and we understand that Bieber must be devastated to lose. Twice. At the Grammys. In front of millions of people. To a jazz artist.
However, he need only look on the bright side. There’s still the Kids’ Choice awards to come this year- he’s a shoe-in!