As far as we can tell the only good thing to come out of Michael Jackson’s death is that he could now remake the zombie part of his Thriller video with a much smaller portion of budget allotted to the makeup department.

The choreography might be a touch less fluid, but still. In that context this whole unfortunate death thing is a Hollywood financier’s dream.

Joe Jackson, allegedly, thinks some other lemonade can be made from the whole mess. He’s trying hard to convince MJ’s three kids to take to the stage in a worldwide tour sort of way.

Right now Joe Jackson is probably somewhere in a mansion trying hard to convince his three most recent tenants that the only way to keep their father’s disaproving ghost at bay is to perform his hits on stage for money. If the kids take the bait they could end up making loads of money and launching themselves down the path of world wide fame and fortune.

What he’s likely failing to mention is that the same path apparently ends in an early grave with a neck full of mysterious needle marks and a body that does all its decomposing on the wrong side of death. And you know what? If we were him and we were trying to convince our grandkids to go on tour as the Jackson Three, we’d probably omit that stuff too.

You hadn’t heard about the Jackson three? Well it’s all right here in the Sun:

“Michael Jackson’s father, Joe Jackson, is lining up the King of Pop’s children for a world tour as The Jackson Three — despite family members accusing him of trying to “exploit them like Jacko.” Former Jackson Five manager Joe is said to have approached Prince Michael, 12, Paris, 11, and seven-year old Prince Michael II — known as Blanket — to hit the stage next year.”

Just think of all that money. And don’t worry about any undue hardships on the children. After all, they can attend a backstage school in between sets where they’ll get an education from a cheap teacher Joe found on Craigslist. Plus, the children’s life in the spotlight - well it’s what Michael would have wanted, apparently.

And as far as what you’ve heard about the senior Jackson managing a band made up entirely of child-relatives, well, where he’s from maybe whacking skin with worn belts is a sign of deep affection. In Gary, Indiana, we’ve often heard, they don’t hug they throttle. You’ll find that kind of affection nice once you’ve lived there for a while, we swear.

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And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.

But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!

Probably the band we have the most respect for in the entire world is Queen. A little thing like their iconic lead singer dying of AIDS didn’t stop them from being able to make money – they just hired a new singer and toured a slightly ropey karaoke-style version of their greatest hits around, even though nobody alive could be expected to enjoy it. Genius.

However, Queen might be about to be usurped from their thrones, because Led Zeppelin have decided to go one better. Ever since they reformed last December at the O2, there’s been an inter-band struggle between Robert Plant; who thought the reunion should be a one-off – and the rest of the band; who want to tour their arses off, record a new album and generally earn enough money to keep them in fanny-sized mudsharks until the day they pop their clogs.

With the band at such a crucial impasse, someone had to make a tough decision. Does Led Zeppelin keep its dignity and refuse to tour unless everyone is involved, or does it sell out, hire a random shitcake stand-in singer and rake in the cash hoping nobody notices?

Oh. The second one. NME reports:

Led Zeppelin will tour with a replacement for founding singer Robert Plant, bassist John Paul Jones has confirmed… Jones has now told BBC Radio Devon that the band are trying out “a couple” of alternative singers for a proposed tour. “We want to do it,” he explained. “It’s sounding great and we want to get on and get out there.”

Apparently one of the replacement singers that Led Zeppelin are trying out is Myles Kennedy, a man who may as well be that turd out of Nickelback from what we’ve been able to work out.

Maybe Led Zeppelin will stick to one replacement singer, or maybe they’ll work on a rotation scheme like Have I Got News For You. Let’s hope it’s the latter, because if there’s anyone who we’d like to hear roar through Communication Breakdown it’s these guys.

But the main question is, if Led Zeppelin are really going to go through with these plans to tour without Robert Plant, can they really still call themselves Led Zeppelin? We don’t think so, and so we’ve drawn up a shortlist of five potential new names for the band to choose from:

1 – Not Zeppelin

2 – Half Of Led Zeppelin, The Dead Bloke’s Son And Someone Who May As Well Be That Turd Out Of Nickelback From What We’ve Been Able To Work Out

3 – Velvet Revolver

Take your pick, chaps.

But do you like Pot Noodles enough to invite a musical based entirely on Pot Noodles to your town? What’s that? You do? It’s been your lifelong dream for as long as you can remember? Well this is your lucky day, then.

Pot Noodle: The Musical – which inexplicably does exist – has just finished a bewilderingly successful run at the Edinburgh festival, and now it’s time to take the show on the road. According to an email we just got, Pot Noodle: The Musical is planning 10-15 dates around the country, but it’s up to Pot Noodle fans to nominate exactly where.

If you’ve watched the above video and come to the conclusion that you want Pot Noodle: The Musical to come to your town, you need to get to the Pot Noodle contact page right now and start nominating. You don’t want to miss out – this is almost certainly the best musical based on self-contained dehydrated snacks since that oprea about Cup-A-Soups all those years ago.

That probably isn’t the intro tape to Usher’s new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher’s so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam’s apple that he’s banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher’s rock hard testosterone can penetrate the moist, supple sea of oestrogen that is his audience.

And you know what, we actually think it’s a brilliant idea. That’s why we’ve decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings.

Seriously though, no blokes. We’ll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.

Men tend to cope with the tedium of being married in different ways. For example, we hear that David Duchovny likes to wank a lot. A lot. And Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook, he liked to… well, OK, he liked to wank as well. They’re men. They like wanking. They all do. They don’t have different ways of coping, we just made that bit up. They all just wank a lot. Wank wank wankity wank wank.

But not Usher. Wanking’s not for Usher. But that doesn’t mean he’s not a little sick of looking at the same woman every day. True’s he only married Tameka Foster recently, but Usher wants – no, Usher needs – to prove that he’s still sexy to everyone else.

That’s why Usher has done the most mid-life crisisy thing any man can possibly do aside from growing a ponytail and pretending to like Dizzee Rascal – he’s arranged special tour that only ladies are allowed to watch.

That’s right – only ladies will be granted access into Usher’s lascivious inner circle. And definitely only women, OK? None of those sodding pre-ops are sneaking in this time. Usher doesn’t want to invite any pretty girls back to his dressing room only to realise they’re actually got big hairy cocks. People reports:

“This album … was definitely the type of one that was more intimate,” the entertainer says of his most recent recording, Here I Stand. “So what better way to get up close and personal than to make it all women? The ladies like to see that masculine build,” he told the AP. “They question if I still got it.”

You know what else the ladies like, Usher? Cake. You want to smother your masculine build in cake if you really want to please the ladies. Also, we hear that ladies like it when men don’t leave their bloody socks in the middle of the floor for them to pick up. Or ignore them when they’re talking to you about their day. Or pretty much just take them for granted in general. So, you know, don’t do any of that either please Usher. Mmm, sexy.

In fact, Usher’s ladies-only tour is such a good idea that we’re not even going to question the fundamental sexism at the core of it. Because, you know, how would women like it if men started going to nightclubs that were only for gentlemen?

They wouldn’t, which is why it’s a good thing that these so-called ‘gentleman’s clubs’ don’t even exist. So there.

So from that we can assume that Britney Spears will be singing in Madonna's video, right? Not quite. Dancing? Close, but no cigar.

Instead, Madonna's video requires Britney Spears to smash up the inside of an elevator while screaming her lungs out like some sort of crazy, red-eyed bitch from hell.

It's a stretch, we know, but somehow we think Britney Spears will be able to pull it off. We've seen Crossroads, after all, so we know what a versatile actor she can be when she's essentially limited to playing herself.

It's got lost in the din of her alleged impending divorce, but Madonna is going out on tour soon. It's going to be awesome, or at least as awesome as something that involves spending a week's wages to watch a middle-aged woman singing a) rubbish songs from her new album and b) good songs from years ago to demonstrate her recent drop-off in quality can be.

And a Madonna tour wouldn't be a Madonna tour without a great big dollop of controversy, whether it's simulated masturbation, fake crucifixions or funny-looking bras. This time around, as we all know, the controversy is coming courtesy of Britney Spears, who has made a video for Madonna's tour.

Why is Britney Spears such a controversial choice for Madonna? Haven't you been paying attention? It's because Britney Spears is so mentally unwell that she has to be accompanied on trips to the toilet. She's so mental that a court would rather let Kevin Federline look after her children than her.

She's so mental that people look back on the time she rubbed dogshit on her dress and fondled herself in front of a crowd as a sort of long-lost golden age when everything was lovely.

So that's why Britney Spears is a controversial choice for Madonna – but what will she actually be doing in the video? Fortunately, E! Online has found out:

Britney, partially disguised by a gray hoodie, walks into the elevator. As she starts traveling upward, she seems particularly nervous and anxious. The popster starts pacing back and forth. Then she progresses to kicking and smacking the walls, all frantic-like. She screams into one of the cameras. Then she starts climbing the wall, pulls down her hood and, into another camera, says: "It's Britney, bitch."

You see, it's funny because it's true. Britney Spears is poking fun at her own misadventures, like when she smashed up that car with an umbrella that time.

It's a nice marketing ploy – it reminds the world that Britney Spears hasn't disappeared completely, while tipping a nod to her mental troubles – and we just hope that Madonna can convince other stars to reference their darkest moments in the name of entertainment too.

That'd be excellent – maybe Madonna's old friend Naomi Campbell can make a video of her beating up a policeman to the beat of True Blue, or Madonna's other old friend Vanilla Ice can film himself punching his wife to Hanky Panky. Ask nicely and perhaps she could even get Whitney Houston to play with a vibrator on crack in a funny and postmodern way. We'd watch tha… no, wait. We wouldn't watch that.

Definitely not.

Listen – all this leaves us a little bit confused. If Britney Spears is mocking her recent mental breakdown, does that make it OK for us to start mocking it again without feeling like bastards too?

And think of poor Chris Crocker.

What if he's so upset by the mockery in Britney's video that he starts screaming "Leave Britney alone!" at Britney Spears herself? Wouldn't that create some kind of unstable time/space paradox? Wouldn't that literally cause his head to explode?

Because if it does, that should really be Madonna's opening video.

It’s been revealed that Britney Spears is filming a special video that’ll be used each night as part of Madonna’s Sticky And Sweet show. As yet, nobody knows if this video will be a performance of their Me Against The Music duet or a rehash of their infamous 2003 lesbian kiss.

Fingers crossed for the latter, because it’s pretty much every man’s dream to see a mentally unwell recovering psychiatric patient jabbing her tongue in and out of a mouth belonging to a woman who’s five and a half weeks away from being eligible for a SAGA membership. Right boys? Wooar! Etc!

History will one day show that the lesbian kiss shared between Madonna and Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV awards wasn’t actually a kiss. Madonna wasn’t sharing saliva with Britney, she was gobbling all the energy out of the poor girl’s mouth.

Look at the facts – pre-kiss, Britney Spears was the hottest pretend schoolgirl virgin in the world, capable of turning even a simple plea for domestic violence into a teen anthem, while Madonna had just released the worst album of her life, the album where she rapped about being super-duper in her Mini Cooper. We envy anyone who can’t remember it.

But post-kiss, Madonna’s the woman with all the power to brainwash the world’s most expensive athletes with religion, while Britney Spears has either been pregnant or bald or locked away in a mental hospital. It’s roughly the same trick that Madonna tried with Guy Ritchie, except it took longer to find what energy he had because there wasn’t so much of it around.

Anyway, maybe Madonna feels guilty for destroying Britney Spears’ life with her wrinkly old tongue, because it seems like she’s asked Britney to contribute to her forthcoming world tour. MSNBC reports:

Despite rumors that Spears would join Madonna onstage, she will join Madonna on her tour, but only through a taped video performance, “Access” has confirmed. “Britney’s doing a video piece this week for Madonna’s new tour,” Spears’ manager, Larry Rudolph, told “Access.” However, what exactly the video will be is a “secret.”

Still, whatever form Britney Spears’ Madonna video will take, it’s clearly designed to ease Britney back into the world of entertainment in a way that doesn’t involve hopeless sitcom cameos. Who knows, maybe the Britney Spears video will even outclass Madonna and send the old lady spiralling back towards the trashheap again.

Let’s hope not – not because we like Madonna or anything, but because we’re scared that if that happens Madonna is going to try and lesbian kiss Miley Cyrus‘ face off next. And we’re pretty sure we read something in the Bible about how that exact thing will bring about the end of the world.

Although his unshaven appearance and man boogly eyes might make you think he's homeless or a terrorist, chances are it'll just be George Michael.

George Michael has announced his first tour of America for 17 years. It'll be an undoubtedly emotional tour for him – not only will it be a chance for George Michael to claw back some of the fame he lost there in the last decade and a half but he might even get a free weekend to wank at another policeman in a toilet again, just for old time's sake.

Over the last few years, George Michael literally couldn't have been more British. He's taken up all the traditional British pursuits like ringing up Richard And Judy and fondling men in bushes and almost doing it with pre-death Princess Diana – three things that all British men do at least quarterly.

But while George Michael has managed to keep hold of his predominantly hairdresser, nurse and wealthy Russian oligarch-based fanbase in the rest of the world, American success has eluded him lately. That's partly because George Michael is more well-known as the big-haired Wham! singer than anything else there, partly because his chances of American success died a slow death when he was trying to sue his record label in the early 1990s and partly because he waggled his penis at a policeman in a toilet there once, and that tends to be a little more interesting than singing songs about baby Jesus.

But now George Michael plans to fix all that, because he's hitting the road on his first American tour for 17 years. Reuters reports:

George Michael has a lot of "Faith" in his North American fans. The British pop singer on Monday unveiled plans for his first tour of the United States and Canada in 17 years, beginning June 17 at San Diego Sports Arena. The 22-date arena trek runs through August 3 at the BankAtlantic Center in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Tickets for the "25 Live" tour go on sale to the general public on April 6th, a week after fan club members get first dibs. Ticketmaster currently lists one show, the July 7 gig at Saint Paul, MN., where the top price is $175.

George Michael's American tour is set to last for seven weeks, although there's a chance it'll take quite a lot longer than that if George Michael drives himself. Unless the tour is scheduled to be a narcoleptic tour of traffic roundabouts at 3am mumbled from inside his own car, in which case everything's going to be just dandy. 

Read more:

George Michael plans first U.S. tour in 17 years – Reuters 

That's certainly the case with Van Halen. After more messily aborted reunions than you could ever wish for, Van Halen finally hit the road in September to play their bad-haired, leotard-wearing widdly-widdly-woo hard rock music to as many middle-aged bad-haired nostalgia freaks as the possibly could.

Except it couldn't last and, with crushing inevitability, the rest of the Van Halen reunion tour has been scrapped; either forever or until the band feels the need to demonstrate its innate lack of personal and organisation skills in public again.

You know why bands split up? It's because they hate each other. And you know why bands reform? It's because they're greedy. And if you put a bunch of greedy people who hate each other on a stage and ask them to work together, it'll inevitably end in tears. It happened with the Spice Girls reunion just a couple of weeks ago, and it's happened with Van Halen so often that we can't be bothered to count any more. 

Van Halen is a band so opposed to getting along that it's been through four singers and a couple of bassists in its time. But to its fans, the classic Van Halen line-up was Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen, Michael Anthony and David Lee Roth. Two years ago a tour by that classic Van Halen was promised, but it didn't happen because they decided to replace Anthony with a boy called Wolfgang and Eddie Van Halen kept getting wankered on all the booze.

However, once he sorted himself out, Van Halen actually managed to properly reform – albeit with Wolfgang in tow – for their long-promised tour last September. And they were strong – playing their one song that everyone knows and some others night after night so well that not even an actual natural disaster could halt them.

Until now. The Van Halen reunion is off and, as UPI reports, it might be because Eddie's found the keys to the drinks cabinet again:

Although performances were lined up through April 19, TMZ.com cited unnamed sources as saying the band's hotel reservations are being canceled now that the rest of the tour has been scrapped. The band's last three shows were canceled as Eddie Van Halen is said to be having "issues," the report said. The rock icon, who spent time in rehab last year, has been in media headlines the last few weeks because his ex-wife, actress Valerie Bertinelli, is making the rounds to promote her new tell-all memoir.

Yes, there's nothing to turn a man to drink like a book by his ex-wife about how much he used to drink. But at least Eddie Van Halen's 'issues' didn't kick in for five months after the tour started, meaning that thousands of people got to hear Jump and then a bunch of other stuff that they jigged around to and pretended they knew so as not to let the band's feelings down.

And, if an alcoholic relapse did bring about this tour cancellation, then we wish Eddie Van Halen the speediest of recoveries, and hop he gets back to scheduling and then cancelling tour dates as soon as possible.

Read more:

Report: Rest of Van Halen tour scrapped - UPI 

Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement – it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities – but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards. 

Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?

Ever since Whitney Houston rerecorded her song I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton hasn't had to do anything, apart from directing the 16 money trucks that visit her house every day to the giant abandoned quarry she uses as a royalty landfill. Sure, Dolly Parton gets out now and again to see what Rotherham looks like or to hear Jessica Simpson massacre one of her songs, but mainly she doesn't do a whole lot these days.

However, Dolly Parton is an artist, and from time to time a fire is lit beneath her to create brand new country music and travel around America playing it to the crosseyed and toothless truckers who'll appreciate it most. But as much as Dolly Parton would like to go on tour, there are a couple of things trying to hold her back.

Her boobs.

As well as the songs and the big hair and the semi-successful movie career and the theme-park, Dolly Parton is probably best known for having breasts like two lead-filled dinosaur eggs. While the obvious upside to Dolly Parton's titanic knockers is that creepy weirdos still think "Woar, Dolly Parton!" even though she's now 62 years old, the downside is that the epic gravitational pull of her boobs have twisted Dolly Parton's spine into something that looks like a question mark drawn by a horse with a paintbrush in its mouth.

And that means that Dolly Parton's tour is off, as Reuters reports:

Dolly Parton's breasts may be two of the wonders of the entertainment world, but the country music icon says they are a pain in her back. Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. "Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

It's a double shame, because Dolly Parton's tour was to help promote Backwoods Barbie, her first new proper country album for 17 years. But it isn't all bad, because the tour should be back on the road in a couple of months. And then we'll get to hear Dolly Parton debut her new songs like Ow My Back, Breasty But Hump-Backed and the poignant tear-jerker You Stupid Tits, I Oughta Chop You Off.

Read more:

Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts – Reuters 

And now for the bad news – the Spice Girls split means we're going to have to put up with five cack-handed Spice Girls solo careers again instead of one big group career that's easy to ignore.

Which we suppose means that we'll never hear from Geri Halliwell again. Maybe this is for the best after all.

According to the Spice Girls, friendship never ends. But we've learnt not to listen to the Spice Girls since Spice Up Your Life urged us to "slam it to the left if you're having a good time" – an instruction that resulted in a loss of blood, dignity and one long-term girlfriend while incurring us a hefty bill from a top hospital's penile trauma clinic.

Perhaps the Spice Girls should have chosen to call their last single Headlines (Friendship Does End, Actually, Probably Even Before The End Of The Tour) because that's much closer to the truth. The Spice Girls are splitting up again, and they're so keen to do it that they're even cutting their world tour short. According to MTV:

The Spice Girls have split up for a second time with rumours that it’s due to the group arguing. The band have cited ‘family commitments’ for the cancellation of tour dates in China, Sydney, South America and South Africa. Due to the group’s fractious past it’s unsurprising fans think they’ve been arguing. According to one press report Mel C and Mel B were behind the split telling the other three: “We’ve had enough.” However in another weekend news story Posh Spice told the News Of The World: “I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm not in the music industry any more. I'm in the fashion industry.”

It's not really a surprise to be honest – the Spice Girls comeback wasn't as brilliant as anyone had hoped. Their single was a flop, they performed in half-empty arenas across America, Emma Bunton knackered her leg and the Spice Girls Tesco adverts were so brain-crampingly terrible that we're pretty sure they made us cry cerebrospinal fluid once.

The last Spice Girls concert will be later this month in Toronto, and then that'll be it. Each of the girls is at least £10 million richer and can go home knowing that they'll have to write four less Christmas cards come December. But what will each of the Spice Girls do following the split?

Well, Victoria Beckham has fashion career to take care of, which we think basically involves waddling around after Katie Holmes a lot and not eating. Mel B needs to have sex with her husband more, because her schedule says that he should have knocked her up and left her by now. Geri Halliwell has that children's book to work on, unless she ditched it because all that writing got in the way of only ever talking about herself all the time. Emma Bunton has a baby to look after. And Mel C?

Well, those houses aren't going to roof themselves, are they?

Read more:

Spice Girls Split - MTV 

Such was the anticipation of Led Zeppelin's comeback that they could have just dicked around on a massive piano like Tom Hanks in Big and broadsheet music reviewers would have jizzed themselves silly, but the chances of Led Zeppelin taking the show on the road have been ruined thanks to Robert Plant suddenly announcing a tour next year with Alison Krauss. But Zeppelin fans shouldn't get too downhearted – to make up for it, The Cheeky Girls have decided to go on a Led Zeppelin-themed world stadium tour where they'll perform hits like Ramble On (Touch My Bum), Dazed And Confused (Touch My Bum) and, of course, a largely-improvised 45-minute version of How Many More Times (Touch My Bum).

You might not have realised this, but a band called Led Zeppelin played some sort of concert this week. It was a fairly low-key affair, and coverage was only limited to every newspaper, magazine, website, TV show, radio programme and human thought in the world, with a ticket application process that was capped somewhere in the low trillions.

The reviews for Monday's concert were uniformly ecstatic, and it doesn't take a genius to realise that if Led Zeppelin were to follow it up with a world tour, they'd be able to charge whatever ticket prices they wanted and people would pay just so they could say that they've see them, even though they'd just be spending their money to watch a bunch of old men screech about orcs.

And prospects for the tour were looking good – Led Zeppelin had even picked out a support act for the tour , even if it was The Cult - but suddenly they've run into a wall. Because instead of circling the world in a luxury private jet ramming different species of marine wildlife up various girls' vaginas, Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant has decided that he'd rather tour the fiddle-de-dee album he's made with Alison Krauss instead.

That's not a bad thing – some of the album sounds thrillingly like a mix between Viva Voce and Brightblack Morning Light – but Robert Plant's decision has probably cost the rest of Led Zeppelin millions of pounds each, which will at least give Jimmy Page more reason to get all stroppy with websites that sell his merchandise without his permission. 

However, that might not be it entirely for Led Zeppelin – rumours are abound that the band will reform again and again, for shows at Glastonbury and Madison Square Garden and the like. But those Led Zeppelin shows will be equally hard to get tickets for, leaving many of the band's fans unable to see them yet again.

Not that there isn't a workaround, though – and we recommend that unlucky Led Zeppelin fans just smash a nail through the foot of the nearest old man they can find, the effect of which will partially replicate the band's vocals, at least. 

Read more:

Zep tour dream dashed – Mirror 

But all of that can be consigned to the past, because the real money-making leg of the Spice Girls comeback kicked off last night – it was the first concert of the Spice Girls' reunion world tour in Vancouver. 16,000 screaming Spice Girls fans packed into General Motors Place to see Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice and Alarmingly Muscular Spice go through all their biggest hits, plus that new song that nobody bought. And according to early reviews, the Spice Girls comeback show is a hit, even though at one point it apparently featured The Sporty Spice Tribute To Lenny Kravitz In Association With The Sort Of Harrowing Bondage Gear That Will Make You Spend The Rest Of Your Life Shivering And Alone.

Pop reunions are a tricky thing to pull off, because the people who liked you first time round tend to have families and jobs and less time to cover every inch of their bedroom walls with posters of you in a wet open shirt with your nipple hanging out. That's why for every pop reunion success (Take That) there are a dozen hopeless failures (All Saints, East 17, Boyzone hopefully).

But the Spice Girls reunion could never fail. Sure, people haven't bought their comeback single in the volume that anyone wanted, their Victoria's Secret promotion looks a bit desperate, nobody in their right mind would buy any of the sofas that the Spice Girls designed for a million quid each, we can't understand a bloody word that Victoria Beckham is saying in the Spice Girls Tesco advert and we get the nagging feeling that they all actually hate each other, but that doesn't mean it will fail.

And that's been reflected in ticket sales for the Spice Girls' comeback world tour – most dates of which are all sold out, even though they all probably went to eBay touts who saw how badly Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) did in the charts and cursed themselves for not investing in Nintendo Wiis instead. 

The Spice Girls comeback tour is going to crawl around the world over the next three months, giving fans everywhere the chance to learn that Girl Power means singing decade-old songs to a bunch of overcharged nostalgia freaks while dressed in clothes that are slightly too young for you, and it all started last night in Vancouver. But how did it go?

Well, you'll be pleased to know that the Spice Girls have dropped the odd Dad's Army fixation that characterised their recent Victoria's Secret Fashion Show performance in favour of corsets and miniskirts and the inevitable Union Jack dresses, and the Globe And Mail seemed to enjoy it all – even the bit where Mel C dressed up as a gimp and sang Are You Gonna Go My Way – with the sole exception of anything Victoria Beckham did:

Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham… looked uncomfortable in her tightly-corseted outfits and carefully-coiffed hair (which she spent a fair amount of time clearing from her face). Her dance moves were stiff and at at least one point she started to sing a line before it was time (not that you could hear her; her voice is not very strong). 

But regardless of any mistakes that the Spice Girls made, they still managed to get 16,000 people to pay an average of about £85 to go and see them, and repeated for each or the 40 or so tour dates the group has announced so far that all adds up to an enormous amount of money for the girls.

Plus, British fans shouldn't worry too much about Victoria Beckham's apparent shoddy performing – it was first-night nerves, surely, and by the time the Spice Girls hit London later in the month she'll be able to churn out performances as numbly robotic as everyone expects her to.

Read more:

Spice Girls: Viva Vancouver - Globe And Mail 

However, it's not something you'll be able to again this year – Amy Winehouse has cancelled everything for the rest of the year; something she apparently decided two hours before she was set to play a show in Bournemouth last night. Hopefully Amy Winehouse cancelled the tour to focus on getting healthier and improving her state of mind rather than, say, sitting around in her house taking every drug ever invented. But let's not hope that Amy Winehouse disappears completely for the rest of the year, otherwise hecklerspray might spend December as a sort of barren wasteland, kept alive only by the possibility that Heather Mills might say "paedophile" in a funny high-pitched voice on GMTV again. 

Since her husband Blake Fielder-Civil got banged up in custody for allegedly smashing up a man's face and then offering him money to lie about it, Amy Winehouse's concerts have basically been performances of Birds Of A Feather: The Nightmarish Musical, except with the bleak whimsy of the original sitcom replaced with what appears to be a yowling transvestite docker who can't quite work out he's supposed to be doing.

And the emotional stress of seeing her husband locked up – coupled with her ongoing struggle with substances – has led to some fairly interesting Amy Winehouse performances lately, whether they involve slicing a big rug into several smaller rugs or prompting boo-filled walkouts with her general ineptitude. But not any more.

Why? Has Amy Winehouse decided to seek treatment for her drug addictions, therapy for her emotional problems and a stricter tour manager who won't let her keep walking offstage or threatening her audience with violence? No, she's just sacked everything off instead.

Amy Winehouse has cancelled all existing arrangements for 2007 – namely concerts in Bournemouth, Cardiff, Manchester, London, Belfast and Dublin – and said in a statement that:

“I can’t give it my all on stage without my Blake. I’m so sorry but I don’t want to do the shows half-heartedly. I love singing. My husband is everything to me and without him it’s just not the same.”

If any of this sounds familiar, it's probably because it is – in August Amy Winehouse cancelled her American tour because she was so off her face on drugs, and now she's cancelled another one. The financial implications of this will be huge – it's estimated that Amy Winehouse has lost around half a million pounds in ticket sales, plus promoters might pass over her in the future thanks to her relentless unreliability, instead choosing to pick someone more likely to turn up to shows – Sly Stone, perhaps, or John Lennon. 

But let's be serious – compared to Amy Winehouse's mental and physical recovery, a few cancelled concerts won't hurt anyone in the long run. And we're sure that Amy Winehouse will make up for her wayward behaviour more than ever in 2008 – where she'll have recovered enough to take her glassy-eyed, out-of-tune, awkwardly-stumbling roadshow out to more slightly disappointed paying customers than ever before.

Read more:

Amy Winehouse cancels latest tour with just two hours' notice – Times 

In fact, records show that every man, woman, child and animal on the face of the earth, living or dead, all tried to book a million tickets each for the Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London that's scheduled for next month. And such was the demand for Led Zeppelin tickets that a full Led Zeppelin reunion tour has long been rumoured, but always denied by the band itself. But now the cat might be out of the bag, because Led Zeppelin's support band has revealed that full comeback tour really is going to happen next year. And who have Led Zeppelin picked to support on such a colossal occasion? Pink Floyd? The Who? The Rolling Stones?

No. The Cult. You know. The Cult. They had that one song once.

We've had a busy few weeks as far as reunions go – first the Spice Girls got back together, then Boyzone… why any band would want to reform knowing that they'd be up against ageless titans like those two groups is beyond us, but still they persist. Like Led Zeppelin, for example.

If you thought that Led Zeppelin had just settled into a cushy retirement of fat royalty payments, topping fantasy supergroup wish-lists and getting a bit shitty with people on the internet, think again, because Led Zeppelin are back. And ahead of their strictly one-night comeback at the O2 arena next month, it's getting to be like the band never went away. True, to indicate their advancing years some of their lyrics have been changed – they'll be singing Stairlift To Heaven, Bloody Immigrant Song and The Song Remains The Same (It's All Bang Bang Bang These Days And It Hasn't Got A Proper Tune), plus when Robert Plant sings "When I feel you near me little girl, I know you are my one desire" in I Can't Quit You Baby, he could be referring to any woman up to the age of 55.

Anyway, in a roundabout way, what we're getting at is that Led Zeppelin have always said that their reunion concert would be a one-off to honour the memory of Atlantic Records founder Ahmet Artegun, with rumours of a tour dismissed by Led Zeppelin themselves. But that doesn't seem to be the case any longer, thanks to blabby old Ian Astbury from The Cult.

According to reports, a Cincinnati club gig by The Cult on Saturday was punctuated by Ian Astbury letting the following slip to the four or five people who'd just gone into the venue to escape the rain:

"We'll be back next year. Because we're opening for a band you may have heard of … the name starts with an 'L' and has a 'Z' in it."

After a few seconds of frantic Countdown-style brow-furrowing – Liza Minnelli? Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten? Lorenzo da Firenze? – one unstoppable genius in the crowd screamed out "Led Zeppelin!" and to deafening cheers, Ian Astbury is reported to have 'nodded affirmatively and stuck his hand in the air triumphantly'.

In reality it was Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten that The Cult will be supporting all along, but Astbury didn't have the heart to let his fans down.

Oh, we're joking – as far as we know The Cult really are going to be supporting Led Zeppelin on their top-secret world tour next year. There's been no official confirmation from either The Cult or Led Zeppelin about it, though, so nothing's concrete. Especially for The Cult. Led Zeppelin won't be happy that Ian Astbury blew their secret plan before they could tell people themselves, so we'd be worried if we were him. After all, if the band can force a shark up a girl's mimsy just because they find her attractive, imagine what they'll do to a funny-looking blabbermouth like Astbury. 

You see, when Amy Winehouse sings, all her troubles instantly get dissolved by her mellifluous voice and pitch-perfect delivery, and the euphoric reaction from the public is enough to lift Amy high above the mess that is her personal life and help her feel free of her burdens. No, wait, that's not true – at the opening of her UK tour in Birmingham last night, Amy Winehouse got booed by the crowd for being crap. Luckily, though, Amy Winehouse is a woman of grace and style, and she managed to win the disapproving crowd over by… no, wait, that's not true either.

What actually happened was that Amy Winehouse promised the entire audience that her husband would beat them all unconscious just as soon as he gets out of prison. You can't buy class like that.

Everyone needs a hobby to help them unwind, whether it's needlework, watercolour painting or – in Amy Winehouse's case – freaking Snoop Dogg out by lobbing spaghetti around and slicing rugs into tiny pieces. But hobbies are only good so long as you can back them up by having a job, which is why Amy Winehouse has decided to go back to work after her drug overdose and subsequent rehab follies.

Last night Amy Winehouse kicked off her much-anticipated UK tour in Birmingham, and it was her big chance to show that – no matter what's going on in her life – she can put it all behind her and remind the world why people made such a fuss about her in the first place. Even though Amy Winehouse buggered up her Mobo performance, her MTV EMA performance and all manner of other appearances lately, by putting on a decent show Amy could finally prove that there's more to her than a tidal wave of tabloid headlines and dentistry that looks like it was performed by a madman with a rivet-gun.

Yeah, didn't happen. What did happen, though, was that Amy Winehouse was so shit that the crowd reportedly started walking out and booing her when she quit the stage mid-song. But, hey, at least Amy Winehouse had a snappy comeback for the audience:

"To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that."

We can't even imagine the logistics of setting one trilby-wearing man onto 13,000 people and coming out on top, but if anyone can arrange it, it's Amy Winehouse – just once she's stopped crying and staring into the middle distance and wailing like a cat being punched in the throat by a worn-down police siren and stuff.

But of course, with her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in jail for allegedly beating a man up until he needed metal plates put in his face and then offering him cash to leave the county, Amy Winehouse is bound to be more stressed than usual. Reports from last night's show say that Amy is very clearly feeling the effects of not having Blake around, dedicating a song to him and inserting the word 'Blake' or 'Blakey' into every single song.

And it's not just Amy Winehouse's performances that will suffer without Blake by her side – it's her whole life that'll suffer. For example, with no Blake around, who'll distract Amy Winehouse by instigating a razorblade fight whenever she's about to do a bunch of drugs with a prostitute? These are the important questions and no mistake.