Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children. 

Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.

Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.

Epidemiologists are hard at work trying to establish the root cause of the problem but rumours circulating on the internet suggest this may be the beginning of a phenomenon known as “Biebergeddon“- the destruction of life as we know it, directly proportional to the actions of Canadian pop singer Justin Bieber.

The exact “flash point” of this mysterious outbreak is unknown but our exclusive hecklerspray source has suggested that it relates to a crossover in fandoms between former Ellen Degeneres lookalike Bieber and UK boy band The Wanted. It is thought that Bieber’s acknowledgement of The Wanted on Twitter has sparked this epidemic of spontaneous combustion which is currently spreading across Britain and the United States of America, with many more countries likely to fall within the next two to three hours.

The offending tweet is reproduced below. It has been censored in case any teenagers happen upon it. Should any responsible adults wish to see the full tweet, an unedited version is available by clicking on the image.

Suggestions that the condition was exacerbated by Wanted member Tom Parker‘s response, suggesting that the two acts might actually be “bros” and therefore, in the modern vernacular, “friends”. This is allegedly responsible for up to 25% of the erroneous blow-outs.

Current government advice suggests that all children who fall within the demographic should be wrapped in fireproof blankets to prevent the spread of fire and should be quarantined in an area free of a broadband connection.

Parents are reminded of the potential dangers of so-called “smart” mobile phones which are able to grant access to the internet. A US/UK government task force is currently deploying quarantine units in the centre of all major cities, where laptops, tablets and phones can be deposited for safe-keeping.

So far, the UN has stopped short of declaring a State of Emergency and the British Medical Association & World Health Organisation have both moved to deny the existence of Biebergeddon, suggesting that the heightened state of alert is a result of tabloid scaremongering and that the actual numbers of spontaneous combustions are in the tens rather than the hundreds of thousands, as reported by major news organisations.

To all citizens of the world we say only this: stay safe out there & All Hail Our Dormice Overlords!

Lana Del Rey has had her whole adult life and creative outlets bankrolled by her insanely wealthy father and, at various points nearly gave it all up because she had to actually work a little to get anywhere. However, thickos on the internet came to the rescue and made her an overnight sensation!

Things were all going to (a carefully executed by a PR company) plan as she readied her new album! She was going to become a superstar! The golden goose had actually delivered!

The key cog would be a performance on Saturday Night Live! Lana would sing, everyone would swoon and rush out to buy her album, learn all the hackneyed lyrics and eagerly await the tour announcement. She opened her mouth to her largest audience yet and… oh dear… she ended up sounding like a cow in labour. The plan was ruined.

And so, the tour which Del Rey was supposed to do has been postponed, thanks to everyone finding out she can’t sing at all.

Her dreadful, near lifeless performance on SNL is squarely being blamed.

Next month, the Video Games singer was supposed to kick off a 30-date tour across America, but alas, thanks to revealing to all that she croons like a whale with it’s dick in a vice, she’s thought it best to call the whole thing off and book some singing lessons, stat.

A source tells the New York Post gossip column Page Six:

“(Lana) and her manager decided to cancel (the tour) after SNL. She was very upset. They figure it allows time for her to clear her head, then go back to selling tickets. More importantly, they figure the extra time gives them more distance from SNL.”

Of course, THAT SNL PERFORMANCE has already been sent-up by Kristen Wiig (see it here) which, well, almost sticks-up for the tuneless, preening Del Rey, but either way, what happens now is that the singer will now go away, work on her vocals and come-to-bed-eyes while her management rethinks the live shows and the entire trajectory of her impossibly orchestrated career.

God, this’ll be tedious.

Remember when they hung Gary Glitter on Channel 4? That was nice wasn’t it? Alas, for you pitchfork wielders, it was a work of fiction and Glitter is actually alive and well and causing trouble on twitter.

Apparently, the twitter account (not yet verified, so invariably a hoax) says that the disgraced glamster will be making a comeback on the road in 2012. That’s if people don’t storm the building and tear him limb-from-limb.

They’d want to do that after he was convicted of possessing child pornography (sentenced to four months) and then, after release, arrested in Vietnam for committing obscene acts with children (three years in the clink). However, all that’s behind him now.

The tweets read that Glitter will be making his comeback…

“London, Bristol and Birminghm are all semi-confirmed for the tour at the end of the year. I’ll confirm more info as it becomes certain… #GlitterTour will be a v small tour. Planned for 20 days in oct/sept later this year. I’ll post dates/venues when they are confirmed… I am truly touched at the incredible response i’ve had over twitter in the past few hours.Thank you to all my fans.”

And the response HAS been incredible. One look at the @ replies he’s been getting and you’ll be astonished at the levels of hatred he can provoke, simply by existing.

Of course, Chris Brown must be thrilled that Glitter has (possibly) arrived back on the scene because, in comparison, Breezy is a stale sandwich compared to the Leader Of The Gang.

Hitting a woman is pretty bad, but sticking your things in a minor is unspeakably dreadful!

Naturally, Glitter is ‘saying’ that this is all in the past and it is time to move on. Just forget about all that kid-fid stuff if you could and, y’know, pay money to me and I’ll perform my songs.

That’s right. Give money to a convicted paedophile. Jesus wept. Wouldn’t like to be the person who does the PR for that particular comeback.

You may be sick of Rihanna releasing a new record every thirty seconds, but you ain’t got it so bad. Why? Well, Rihanna is sick. Properly sick. No. No sick of her releasing a record every 30 seconds. She’s actually sick-sick.

So what’s the deal then? Is she going to die?

Well, according to various reports, Rihanna has been put under 24-hour surveillance because those around her are so very, very worried about her health. Really worried. Worried she’s going to die eventually.

Apparently, she’s been struggling during the UK leg of her tour and is now being closely monitored. You only get closely monitored when you are going to die or something, right?

It must be bad and definitely, absolutely facty fact-fact getting worse because she nearly cancelled her show in Dublin last week.

No-one cancels a show in Ireland unless they are totally going to die or something.

She only went ahead with the show fter speaking to Beyonce on the phone. Does Beyonce know that Rihanna is going to die or something and wants RiRi to make the most of her life or something?

Wait.

She’s totally performing at the 02 tonight. There’s nothing wrong with her is there? This is just people fretting over Rihanna because she’s been working a lot recently.

TOO MUCH IN FACT. Stop releasing records or we’ll totally murder you.

Or something.

S Club 7 were good weren’t they?  They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf.  Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.

Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.

A source said:

“S Club have seen what’s happened to Steps and want a piece of it.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough;

‘They’re hoping to make a TV show following their reunion, a tour and the release of an updated Greatest Hits album – just like Steps.”

No. Oh JESUS CHRIST NO!!

The band’s spokesman refused to comment on this, making us hope it’s just a cruel, cruel rumour that someone with a grudge against the human race has decided to unleash but given that three of the band members are touring around clubs and universities as S Club 3, which is enough to make any former popstar wish for better days, we fear it may be true.

Despite the fact that Don’t Stop Movin’ was a decent pop tune, we’d rather superglue our eyelids open and sit through 17 hours of TOWIE than have any part of this.

Here, watch this and remember them as they were and not the elderly, arthritic, alcohol soaked monsters they are now.

Every artist on the planet is a shameless thief. They’re all magpies, walking around and taking whatever they want without a care in the world. And that’s fine, because that’s always been the case and everyone loves music, film or whatever.

However, what no-one likes is a pointless snitch. Someone who yells ‘HEY! I had that idea before that other, more famous person had that very common notion! I think I’ll sue!‘

And the latest rapsnitch is some buffoon called Vincent Rogers who has tried to sue Kanye West over his song, ‘Stronger’.

Vincent has said that ‘Ye plagiarised one of his songs. Basically, Rogers is claiming that he came up with the idea of being stronger. That’s what it looks like from here anyway.

However, West was keen to point out that he wasn’t stealing from some guy no-one has heard of, but rather, stealing from someone massively famous – Friedrich Nietzsche. In particular, Kanye looked at the German philosopher’s quote:

“That which does not kill us make stronger”.

Yes Kanye. We get it. You’re into really high-brow stuff these days. It’s okay. You don’t have to impress us with your poetry and philosophy 101 books on your Kindle anymore.

West was originally sued in 2010 because Mr No-One Has Heard Of You alleged that he gave a copy of his track to Kanye’s manager, John Monopoly, who passed it onto West.

A federal judge, weary of timewasters, dismissed the claim earlier in the year, but the whole thing just isn’t going away.

West’s lawyer, Carrie Hall said:

“It would create a dangerously low threshold for establishing copyright protection over otherwise commonplace words and phrases”.

Next week: Unknown rapper sues Earth because sunshine was his idea.

Professor Green as, despite forever sounding like he’s in a headlock, managed to forge a career as a rapper. At least he’s managed to answer the question: What would Nelson Mandela sound like if he went into hip hop?

Anyway, Professor Green (Professor in sounding like he’s got a wasp trapped in his windpipe while looking despairingly gormless, if you were wondering) is currently in the middle of a tour where he performs for Guardian readers and other people who afraid of non-whites on the sly.

And get this! You yoghurt plaiting gimps can catch him some more as he’s announced dates for a brand new UK tour in April 2012! AMAZING NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE THEIR RAPPERS TO SOUND LIKE CUDDLES THE MONKEY!

Of course, mainstream rap at the moment is treading two paths. The first is the LET’S SOUND LIKE HADDAWAY AND MAKE EUROPOPRAP! and the other, the one fancied by Prof. Green and Drake, LET’S SHOW OURSELFS TO BE SENSITIVE, THOUGHTFUL THUG LIFERS! YEAH!

Proffles Greeno has songs called ‘Today I Cried’ and ‘Never be a Right Time’ y’know? That’s because he really cares. And sounds like the air being kicked out of a lilo.

Naturally, the world has been crying out for a rapper that sounds like they’ve swallowed a bag of KP despite their nut-allergy closing their throat up, so it’s little wonder that Proffo Grunibonk has become a massive star in the UK.

They play him on the radio y’know?

Sadly, the radio doesn’t pick up his lovely neck tattoo which actually is the lyrics for MC Miker G & DJ Sven’s ‘Holiday Rap’, which is Greeno’s primary inspiration for picking up the mic.

And if you don’t know what that reference means, get yourself to YouTube immediately.

Anyway, the remainder of Proodles Groonaldo’s tour is…

…wait! He’s not paying us to promote him and his awful shoe-squeak voice! Sod him. Go find out the dates yourself and we’ll chase after you with flame-throwers you earless berks.

Remember Daphne and Celeste? They were cool weren’t they? They went to the Reading festival and out-punked the punks. They did the right thing and quit after their brief success.

Someone else who remembers Daphne and Celeste is Madonna.

How so? Well, her new single, which has been leaked online like an open pus-sore, sounds just like ‘em! Or, if you prefer, it sounds like something Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would put out and subsequently be ashamed of. Wanna hear it?

Madge hasn’t been having a great time of it of late. First of all, it transpired that she hated you and your stupid floral gifts. Then, some dry-heave inducing nude pictures leaked online.

Now, topping those two woeful incidents, she’s putting out a really, really terrible single.

It’s clear that Madonna doesn’t know how to keep up in the world of pop anymore as she’s being outfoxed by GaGa, out dirtied by Rihanna and out cutesied by everyone else.

As such, she is seemingly going for the Crazy Frog approach and creating a track which is irritatingly ear-wormy and something of a novelty single.

She even feels the need to say her own name in the song, over and over, because she’s worried we’ve all forgotten about her.

Have a listen.

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The big news amongst balding 40 year-olds is that the Stone Roses are going to reform. There’s a press conference imminent and everyone has got their hopes up again… just like they get their hopes up everytime someone mutters the word ‘reunion’.

Of course, around Manchester and its satellite towns, you have to silently mouth the words ‘Stone Roses Reunion’ in the same way dog-owners have to avoid saying ‘walkies’ to a dog. The excitement in both camps is equally giddy and urinatory.

And handily for the Stone Roses, save a bit of IRA sponsored building regeneration, Manchester hasn’t changed much since they split. For ON THE EIGHT DAY, GOD CREATED MANCHESTER NOSTALGIA!

And so, at 3pm, The Stone Roses are going to make a “very important announcement” at their London press conference. The most muttered rumour is that the most famous line-up of Ian Brown, John Squire, Mani and Reniwill reform for two gigs next year. Probably in Manchester.

Of course, this all comes on the back of ‘it ain’t ever gonna happen’ chat from most of the band members (not including those that made up the Roses circa ’96 when there was only Mani and Brown left clinging onto a sinking ship filled with Simply Red session guitarists and bottles hurled at their feet to a symphony of booing), but you get the notion that some of them could do with a hand with the mortgage these days.

John Squire hasn’t exactly been setting the art world alight now has he?

When Brown et al decided to call it a day, they signed off with:

“Having spent the last 10 years in the filthiest business in the universe, it’s a pleasure to announce the end of the Stone Roses.”

So are the Stone Roses going to make a comeback in the filthiest business in the universe? There’s only one thing they could do, other than the inevitable comeback tour, which would be of note.

All four band members should murder each other in cold blood before the assembled press to finally put an end to any reunion talk.

It’s the only way Manchester will move on from being shackled to indie nights that see pot-bellied DJs sticking the full length version of Fools Gold on while they nip off for a smoke/fag break while shell-toed divorcees relive the years they invariably ignored first time ’round.

*UPDATED*

There you have it. Stone Roses have reformed. There’ll be new material according to Ian Brown and they’re all chums again. Now all we need is the press to write headlines saying “What The World Is Waiting For”, “They Are The Resurrection”, “The Third Coming” and more.

Two shows at Manchester’s Heaton Park on June 29th and 30th, followed by a world tour.

Now piss off.

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Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.

As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.

And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.

Ye strolled up with Russell Simmons (Def Jam founder, if you didn’t know) and must’ve thought how wonderful it was for him to be there. A musician with a conscience. Like Joan Baez. Like Bono. Those saintly guys. But he’s a rapper. A global brand with a heart.

How splendid it must be to feel that in your soul… and believe it.

And so, surrounded by the great-unwashed with their dreadlocks and signs, Kanye did what any smart musician would do an kept his mouth firmly shut (for once).

It appears that West didn’t want to get into the tricky topics surrounding the world’s finances for fear of looking stupid. Let us not forget that his diamond encrusted gob has got him into trouble in the past. Remember when he said that George Dubya Bush hated black people? Remember that?

And so, as this video shows, he basically just stands there, looking gormless. Whaddaguy!

And after he’d finished protesting against Wall Street bailouts to financial greed, what did the gold-grilled Kanye do? Why, he did what any right-minded protester who hates all that unshared wealth would do!

He attended the ‘CULO by Mazzucco’ book and art exhibition launch after-party held at NYC’s Darby Restaurant and slurped Beau Joie champagne where he talked about his exclusive fashion line that he’s launching in Paris.

Shall we all join together in a solidarity fist?

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Tis the season for leaked nude photographs and, sadly, this time around, it’s a hard-bodied Madonna who we’re getting to gawp at, who, at the time of press, is roughly the same age as the horizon.

That’s right! She’s been having a photoshoot and some wag has leaked some snaps of her before anyone can airbrush.

And yes, she’s topless. So no, they’re totally NSFW. They’re not even SFE (‘safe for Earth’).

Anyway, Madonna appears in these photos with her gym-honed limbs, all sinewy and veiny like four particularly large penises.

And there’s the stomach. Boy what a gut! It looks like you could bounce coins from it.  Alas, the skin doth sag over it like a soil bedsheet over a mattress made from concrete.

Her wig is a thing of beauty too.

Feel free to say “Well, I think she looks great for her age!” or “When you’ve achieved what she’s achieved, then you can criticise!” because, as we all know, no-one is allowed an opinion on anything unless some arbitrary rules have been put in place beforehand, like wealth or influence.

Or in Madonna’s case, the existence of ‘Into The Groove’.

In fairness, it is an absolutely perfect record… but still, that won’t stop us from sneering. IT’S ALL WE’VE GOT! Now look at her naked. Again.

GODDAMMIT.

*****UPDATE*****

If you’re looking for dodgy Madonna n00dz, then sorry. We had to take them down because SOMEONE threatened us with legal action. The place we originally saw them may have them. They’re EB&D so visit them. If not, we’re pretty sure you’ll be able to find them somewhere on Google Images with the Safe Search switched off.

And so. By way of apology for not being able to find what you’re looking for, here’s something else to gawp at.

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She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.

The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.

But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?

Of course, this could all fall through as Madge has been rumoured to perform in two Super Bowls before (1998 and 2000) but she clearly couldn’t be bothered.

If it does go through, she’ll be joining a number of megastars who have performed on the Super Bowl pitch such as The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Janet Jackson’s nipple.

Last year, Americans witnessed the Black Eyed Peas prancing around in what was arguably the worst Super Bowl halftime ever.

EVER.

Naturally, Madonna will want to raise some eyebrows during her performances, so we suspect that she’ll take to the stage on a flaming crucifix while dry-humping a black Jesus, climaxing with the effigy of Lady GaGa getting stabbed by a hoard of gay men in PVC nappies.

That would actually be brilliant and don’t you dare pretend otherwise.

The football organization is keeping mum, with NFL spokesdude Greg Aiello (too many vowels in that surname) saying:

“We do not comment on the musical talent for the Super Bowl until we have something to announce”

Amazing words.

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Since Oasis split-up, we’ve literally been beside ourselves with apathy. The Gallaghers went from being feuding in the same band to… well… feuding in bands that sound like Oasis. It’s almost like nothing’s happened at all.

Still, with that, we’ve got twice the opportunity to peer at their collective work, with Liam’s Beady Eye churning out grot-boogie and Noel… well… turning into Badly Drawn Boy.

And he’s got a new record out and you can hear a snippet of new song – ‘I’d Pick You Every Time’.

It’s unclear if the song title is a tribute to Ralph Wiggum’s valentine card of I Choo-Choo Choose You, but frankly, we don’t care because we like to remember Ralphy whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Anyway, this new record appears to be a double A-side, coupled with ‘If I Had A Gun’.

We could check, but that really isn’t our style. Besides, if you’re reading this, you either don’t care or you’re an imbecilic Oasis fan who thinks they know everything anyway.

So without further adon’t, here it is.

30 seconds of Noely G’s Badly Drawn Boy tribute song.

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So, this week marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana’s Nevermind LP. As such, it’s pretty much being regarded as grunge’s 20th birthday too, although, most of you will regard the start of the scene to be a much earlier date.

We even wrote about it, not that you cared. See? We can still bitch and whine like a first-rate grunge kid. YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND US!

Anyway, to celebrate this occasion, there’ll be a special airing of the full Paramount Theatre show in Seattle filmed back in 1991. You can watch it streamed live today!

The Paramount concert, transferred from 16mm film, is the only known Nirvana concert shot to film and will also be aired for a special showing this Halloween on Monday, October 31st.

Of course, a DVD/Blu-Ray of the show is available to buy which is all Hi Def and that nonsense. As we didn’t get offered a free promotional copy, we’re loathed to talk about it in too much detail.

Anyway. You want to watch a Nirvana show on your computer?

Well, it’ll be available to watch in its entirety on Vevo, 27th September from 5pm in the UK for a 24 hour period only.

Sort it. Click here.

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Not a lot has ever really happened in Australia. Since that awkward event with Dorothy and the wizard who controls all of the inhabitants in Oz, there hasn’t been much to sing and dance about.

Unless you count cracking open a warm tins of Fosters and being distrustful of the indigenous aboriginal folk, Australians have little to look forward to.

However, in a hecklerspray exclusive, it’s been revealed to us that the Australian government are about to allow the population to listen to something other than INXS. Australians were told Michael Hutchence died from natural causes; not through an accidental self-pleasure mishap. So which world famous musician or band has been allowed to fly in and showcase their talents? We’ve been told that Lee Ryan and Muse were busy, so YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been booked instead.

We wonder if Rebecca Black will be given her own personal kangaroo to travel about the country in style? After all, Australia is a massive land mass containing roughly eight cities and tons of rocks and desert and she’ll need to get from Sydney to Melbourne somehow.

Unlike places like Japan and Sweden, Australia has no zany language to decipher. The country’s one redeeming factor is that it is roughly 30cm from the sun, essentially making it a hotter version of England due to bugger-all cultural differences.

For Rebecca Black, this is the perfect opportunity to vacate America where her song Friday is now used as a torture device on suspected Al Qaeda suspects in Guantanamo Bay. Sadly for this American girl, her dreams of pop stardom were ruined when the internet latched on to her video for “Friday”. This autotuned mess did, ironically, propel her towards a bucket load of cash despite the taunts. Perhaps she can perform a duet with the kid who sang Chocolate Rain and see if they can make the internet implode.

Using Twitter to announce her news she said:

“I’m coming to Australia to perform live thanks to Telstra! This is the best thing since microwavable popcorn.”

There you have it Australia. According to an American teenager, she effectively sees your country with its proud history of crocodile wrestling as nothing more than microwave popcorn.

If we were you, we’d not stand for these immature and inappropriate taunts from someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

And we wouldn’t take abuse from Rebecca Black either.

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