Miley Cyrus has kicked off her Bangerz tour. You know, the one she was just bragging about being super deep and enlightening? The tour she insisted parents should be taking their children to because it’s full of art and progressive shit?
Well, surprise surprise. It was none of those things. Unless you consider showing off how to perform fellatio on your Commander in Chief or finding your g-spot important information to teach your 5th grader. Miley Cyrus performed the first show of her tour in Vancouver and incredulously was not swiftly kicked out of the country for offending their eyes and ears with what occurred. Then again, this is the country that created the shirtless douchebag that is Justin Bieber, so I guess their standards are about as low as the United States’. Thanks again for that, Canada.
Miley’s debut was highly anticipated, especially because she talked it up so much in interviews. Just last week she was going on and on to her sister about how her shit was like a visit to the Museum of Modern Art For White Trash Dummies, and that all the stuck up mini van driving moms of the world needed to remove the prude stick from their assholes and see its greatness. So here it finally was, and man, did this bitch not disappoint those with seriously low expectations.
She had midgets. She had thongs with bedazzled cowboy boots from the Drag Queen Dolly Parton’s reject pile. There was both a dancer with a Britney Spears’ mask circa Hit Me Baby One More Time, and a dude dry humping her in a Monsters Inc styled dog costume (I guess the Pedobear was on vacation). Cyrus’ tongue was slobbering around everywhere, and her hands spent most of the time fondling her jingly parts.
I could definitely see how Miley would find all of these things to be really important for a child to see and absorb into their memory box. I mean, how vanilla must your world be if by 13 you haven’t seen a tiny person grinding on the leg of a former chipmunk tween star? That’s just terrible, and I totally get Cyrus’ point.
Here are some visual snippets for your pleasure.
The real highlight of the whole thing was when Cyrus decided to bring us back to 2009 and show off her patriotism by performing Party in the U.S.A. She donned the stereotypical red, white, and blue attire, threw on some stars and a cowboy hat, and really started to get into the honky tonk ways of her father. But then she pulled a game changer and busted out a black dude wearing the number 1 costume choice for 1997, Bill Clinton. Of course, Cyrus couldn’t forget the school aspect of her show, so she made sure to teach all the young-ins in the crowd about oral sex and power by going all Monica Lewinski on said dude’s no-no zone.
Obviously, the makers of School House Rock need to get on this shit and get behind the DVDs of this magic. “Conjunction Junction” has got nothing on the amazingness that could be “Crotch Rot Hoe Down.”
So all in all, Miley’s show was a hot ratchet mess that was both vulgar and fucking stupid as shit. I really hope no one was surprised because if so, then you’re also stupid as shit. And if you actually listened to Cyrus and brought your pre-pubescent child to this crap, you might as well give yourself a mullet and start whoring your kids out for your own selfish benefit, because you are just as terrible of a parent as Billy Ray.