Lana Del Rey is the latest hot-ticket in town, despite having a voice like a broken vacuum cleaner and all the charm of dishcloth. She’s topped the charts with her mawkish drip-hop and a narrative that is basically a culmination of every wet-farted Tumblr dashboard you’ll ever see.
Basically, it’s all pretend dangerous-sex, disaffection, hipstamatic sex, models with tattoos and old movie footage.
The boys pretend to fancy her so they can snare young women who actually fancy her, leaving us with the adolescent equivalent of the way thirtysomethings furiously fap over Christina Hendricks. ?However, Lana Del Duller Than Robert Pattinson has got a boyfriend, so you’ll have to put it away.
So who is Lana’s boyfriend?
It won’t surprise you that the whole thing reeks of hipster approval as she’s apparently swapping fluids for six months with some singer from a seldom heard of band.
He’s called Barrie James O’Neill and this is in no way yet another tabloid stunt which is designed entirely to generate some interest in a small, lousy rock group.
The band are from Glasgow or something and are called Kassidy.
A source told the Daily Mirror, who absolutely haven’t taken payment from someone to promote Kassidy:
“They make a very unlikely couple but they seem to work, and bounce really well off one another.”
Isn’t that wonderful? You can almost imagine the hirsute rocker taking a lifeless Del Rey down Buchanan Street in Glasgow to take in such delights as chronicled above, before heading back to their West End apartment where she’s motionlessly sit, pouting at the window, before disappearing onto his mattress on the floor for some laborious, rigid sexual antics.
The things that dreams are made of.