When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.

And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.

Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!

Sadly for Brooke, she’s sorely lacking in catchphrases, so this story isn’t nearly as funny as Sheen’s. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh though.

So what’s the rub?

Well, Brooke was arrested over the weekend in a nightclub on suspicion of assault and possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.

Get that? Sheen is clearly not paying her enough child-support money if she’s dealing coke. Sorry. We should rephrase that. Sheen clearly not dropping nuclear truth bombs of money into Brooke’s pocket of lose. WINNING. Tiger bl… oh forget it.

Reports say that Aspen Police Department officers were doing a routine walk-through at Belly Up Aspen when a woman reported that an assault had taken place. Police said a woman identified the culprit as Mueller and the police found her at the dance club Escobar.

She was probably having a nice dance to Pitbull or something.

The police say that Mueller faces a class-four felony charge of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and third-degree assault, a class-one misdemeanour. No. That means absolutely nothing to us either, but from what we can glean, it sounds like a really fun spectator sport.

A police spokesperson said…

“She’s obviously a person who attracts a lot of media attention, and we will handle this case just like we handle all cases… she’ll get treated like we treat everybody else.”

…to the press. That’s right, the press, who they usually talk to about all their cases. This is totally normal.

Mueller has form with this sort of this, having various stints in rehab, including time at an “extreme” rehab program in Mexico earlier this year. She was also escorted off a flight after being described as “belligerent.” Various reports alleged that she’d also been seen in a carpark with a crack-pipe and has also been trying to pawn jewelry for cash.

And yet, she still has custody of the twins. Just how awful a human must Charlie Sheen be if that’s the case?

When hecklerspray do reviews, it’s usually of a national institution like the X Factor, The Apprentice or Nick Knowles Dusts The Natural History Museum. It’s very rare for us to see something on television and write about it unless it’s likely to spawn pseudo-celebrity targets for us. Why is that? We’re not a TV website.

It’s pretty much as simple as that.

Still, that brings us around neatly to Comedy Central’s brand new situation comedy Threesome which starts next week on the channel which actively encourages “Two & A Half Men”. Still, let’s not hold that against Threesome, which is the very first British sitcom to be commissioned by the channel.

Or should we? Let’s face it. A channel that bases so much of its daily programming in repeats of Two & A Half Men and the second worst sitcom ever made (Everybody Loves Raymond) surely won’t be able to make a sitcom that’s passable as anything more than a “cheap Coupling” or a “rotten Outnumbered”, so why should we provide them with any platform for their terrible programming decisions.

And yet… it was Comedy Central’s US parent that brought back Futurama.

Swings and roundabouts.

So now that the argument of bias against the network is neatly packed up into Charlie Sheen’s coke-case and dispatched to a forgotten part of the Colombian rainforest, what of Threesome? Does it stand up against the usual, painfully unfunny dross that spews forth from the urethra of British television channels like televisual kidney failure?

Yes, it does.

That is to say, it’s actually quite good. It’s sometimes easy to write off small group comedies as being a format that’s almost impossible to find new direction in but Threesome takes one night of drug-sodden lust and makes it the basis for a witty comedy which is both intelligent and utterly juvenile in equal measure.Ha

Having three 29 year olds living a life that is often the staple of this kind of comedy is a risk in the first place. The urge to switch off before even getting to five minutes is strong as you watch Richie, Alice and Mitch bounce around their lives like MDMA-riddled spinning tops, alternating between hungover and absolutely off their tits like a grown-up version of Skins. Quite literally on acid.

In saying that, the rapid characterisation of the first third of the show is a calculated risk in a show where one needs to make an almost instant connection to the characters. There’s no building up a like of the three friends. If you can’t find anything remotely likeable in them after ten minutes then turn off, go and make yourself a cup of tea and then tweet about how there aren’t any good British comedies any more while you pick flecked tissue out of your nose.

Given that the press shots ruin one of the few surprises in the show, prepare yourself for a spoiler. It’s a pregnancy story. The real question will be, after a strong first episode, will the characters fall into ‘comedy pregnancy’ stereotypes and lose their way in jokes about breastfeeding and Epidurals. The hope is that they won’t but the danger looms, omnipresent in every word of the last five minutes of the first episode and leaves the viewer praying that Threesome doesn’t end up shitting its undoubted potential up the wall.

The fact is that despite the accelerated characterisation and seeming flippancy of one of the most important events in the series, Threesome is a diverting half hour. It’s well shot, doesn’t rely on a laughter track and is well paced, not trying to cram too many jokes into a half hour and letting the situations provide the humour. Look out for Mitch going the wrong way up an escalator to see what we mean.

You can have a watch of episode one before its premiere on Comedy Central and decide for yourself. You don’t even have to have Sky. Which is nice.

Here’s some clips of the show:

No eye contact, no cock touching

Putting up flatpack furniture on drugs

Charlie Sheen, we barely knew ye. You were fun while it lasted, but alas, you can now slope off to the obscurity from whence you came because, the long and the short of it is, we’ve heard that you’re now “absolutely” sober.

We officially don’t care.

When we look at your list of achievements, not one of them includes a film of yours. We genuinely don’t like you as an actor. We like you as a drug taking, always drunk, sex-obsessed maniac, teetering on the lip of the yawning chasm of death. Not this.

Let us look at what made you so entertaining to write about in the first place.

You were discovered in a hotel room with a prostitute. You beat a chandelier up. You tried to have a polyamorous relationship and ballsed it up. You stood on top of a building, wobbling around with a machete. You told us you were made of tiger blood. You had a suitcase of cocaine. You had pills to keep your heart going. You cried while discovering the fourth dimension while watching Jaws on a boat. You made your ex-wife cry. You made a woman cry in a hotel room while she cowered in a cupboard.

And now? You’re in a “mellower” state and can’t remember exactly how long you’ve been free of drink and drugs?

On The Today Show’, Charlie said:

“I don’t really keep track of the time. It’s been a while. Things are a lot calmer. It’s a lot mellower.”

“I really don’t know what happened. It was one of those things where the planets were aligned, perfectly or imperfectly. I said some stuff and then it caught such traction globally and instantly that I couldn’t really put out the fire.

“From one moment to the next, I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was pretty exciting.”

It was exciting. It was really funny too. We thought you were going to die on us. We thought you’d keep us in laughs for a lifetime.

Then you went and realised that you were a real person with a family and sorted yourself out. Charlie, why did you bother? You were better to us all as a wreck.

You could have been somebody. Now you’re that guy from Hot Shots Part Deux.

RIP, sweet prince.

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Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Cleaned the vomit from your mouth yet?

Good.

See, while Cowell was talking to not-actually-that-shocking-a-shock-jock Howard Stern, the Pop Culture Mogul talked about his past dalliances and the turbulent state of his current engagement tofiancée Mezhgan Hussainy.

At the moment, he’s got no idea whether they’re still engaged. When asked, he said

‘not sure’

Annoyed by the convo, Cowell spoke of being betrothed in past tense and grumpily said that he wouldn’t be talking about it any further.

Spokesman Max Clifford says:

‘He likes to keep (his relationship) private. In terms of the relationship, it is long distance. He is back in England at the moment, and when he goes back she will be doing things. When he goes back to the States, she will be doing stuff. To my knowledge they are not having any problems.’

Applying the rule of Anything Max Clifford Says Is Likely To Be The Polar Opposite Of What’s Going On, we can assume that Cowell is indeed having problems and that he isn’t in England and that Simon Cowell is in fact a woman.

Or something.

Still, you want to know about the threesome. Simon confessed to having one years ago, as well as having a date with Denise Richards while she was heavily pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s child.

Talking about his disgusting ménage-a-trois, he said:

‘A threesome? Yeah, years and years ago… I mean a long, long time ago, I was with these two girls and ended up in bed. It was cool. It was a lot of fun.’

And dating Richards, a former Bond girl no less:

‘We arranged to meet at a hotel polo lounge. She turned up eight months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.’

A dog. In a handbag. Did she have kittens in her coat pockets and a lizard secreted in her colon too? Hollywood is weird.

Cowell also isn’t a fan of condoms either. Apparently, they’re

‘something you wore when you were 17 or something’.

‘There are other alternative methods’

Push your boobs together, because Cowell is coming! Oh, X Factor USA starts on September 21 at 8pm on Fox.

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Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.

See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.

And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).

The couple decided that they’d have a nice time in Mexico, where the heroin is first rate. A veritable violent torpedo of romance you might say.

There, they booked the Presidential Suite which apparently costs $15,000 a night. Sheen presumably eyed up the chandelier and recalled the time when he first re-entered the public’s radar by beating one up while a young woman feared for her life while locked in a wardrobe.

At the swank hotel, they had a monkey butler and something oddly conceptual called an ‘infinity pool’, which is presumably perfect for drowning in.

The most boring source on Earth says of this ghoulish coupling:

“There were candles everywhere. They ate very healthy, local fish, salad, drank fruit juices. Charlie had arranged a chocolate molten cake with candles for dessert. It was beautiful.”

We can only hope they shared a needle of smack and fell into a loving coma for three days, before re-emerging to lovingly hold each other’s hair back while they puked up a pipe or two… because that’s more fun than what actually happened.

Boring shits.

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Charlie Sheen keeps saying the word ‘winning’. Sadly for him, he isn’t and the word has now lost all meaning. He’s no longer a particular figure of fun, but rather, a sad man self-harming in public.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t berate him for no good reason. It’s not our fault he’s sick in the brains.

Mercifully for Sheen, public hostility has been at a minimum as he faced make-up wearing blouses at the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos where the god-fearing lamos showed the world that they throw like baby girls.

Sheen found that the Juggalos lived up to their make-up wearing lifestyle by gently lobbing things at the stage while he spoke. Charlie – a man who has the reaction time of a turning snail – managed to avoid every single missile thrown at him from the wimps in the throng.

And so, the Juggs resorted to simple booing. You can’t mess that up, right?

Wrong. See, Juggalos are so rubbish at booing that it can be misconstrued as a positive response. Sheen’s representative said:

“Charlie did not get booed off of the stage. The Juggalos were chanting ‘whoop- whoop,’ which is a show of love. Charlie Sheen did well in front of the Juggalos.”

“It was a huge response. He was tremendously received.”

They then added:

“There is no greater compliment to have garbage thrown at an artist. The crowd didn’t want him to leave.”

So next time you see your favourite celebrity, be sure to tip a trash can over their head. They’ll know that it means you love them, okay?

Anyway, here’s a video of thousands of Juggalos throwing things so badly that they may as well go and sit in a darkened room and try and work out the mystery of magnets.

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Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.

It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.

Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?

Charlie has whistled while sloping away quietly from a lawsuit against Capri, the bongo film actress whom Sheen had alleged tried to extort $1 million from him after a “consensual encounter” at NYC’s Plaza Hotel… not to mention the notion that Sheen had that she’d swiped a $165,000 watch of his.

Charlie promptly went about venting his fist-shaped spleen on everything in his hotel room while hammered and naked. He was later hospitalized.

Anderson later said that Sheen had grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, which despite being thrilling like fiction, was denied by the ‘actor’.

However, everyone is walking away from the lawsuit now, hopefully because Capri is threatening to spill the beans on something that she knows about Charlie which is really really really damning and weird. We hope its that because, inevitably, she’ll come out and talk about it anyway.

Meanwhile, the show that Sheen starred in at the time – Two and a Half Men – is definitely severing ties with Sheenola. Basically, the writers are going to kill Charlie.

We’re hoping he drives a car off a cliff, just like the way Sheen did in real life not that long ago. Or indeed, if the killing-off is based on reality, it’d be great if a chandelier took its revenge on Sheen’s character by kicking him senseless toward a tiger cage where the actor will learn first hand about ‘Tiger Blood’.

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Big Brother has always split the UK into two camps: Those that don’t like it and those that don’t watch it. And now that (Channel) Five have gone and bought it, many of us will wearily switch on our sets just to get angry for an hour every night.

And like the Big Brothers that came before it, this one has the usual ragtag of celebrities being linked to it before it airs.

The biggest name attached is Charlie Sheen, who was of interest some months ago because it looked like he was going to kill himself with his own madness. The whole world went on some kind of post-modern suicide watch, egging him on toward death, failing to show the required remorse until he actually joined the choir invisible. Alas, he went and fixed himself and went back to being a boring nobody. However, there is hope. We’ll use Michael Barrymore as our guide.

Thanks to the death of a certain Mr Lubbock in Barrymore’s swimming pool, he retreated away from the glare of the spotlight until he made his return to television in the Big Brother house.

Barrymore revealed himself to be a fragile, broken and at times, deeply unpleasant trainwreck of a man. It made for grim, fascinating viewing (especially the sparring matches with George ‘Pussy’ Galloway).

While some viewed it aghast, most people simply tuned and went ‘Hur hur, he’s a nutter’. This is the card now being played with Charlie Sheen.

See, Barrymore was off the sauce as is Sheeno (well, not the sauce, but rather, the expensive cocaine delivered by the suitcase load), which means we could well see someone unravelling before our eyes. Again.

And the ex-Two and a Half Men’er is understood to have agreed terms which will see him getting £6million to simply be himself and go slightly mad.

He could well be joined by The Only Way Is Essex skidmark Amy Childs, boxer Ricky Hatton and… wait for it…  the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.

Of course, there’s nothing confirmed yet apart from the likelihood that millions will tune in for Big Brother on the opening night before sloping away en-masse to do something entirely different.

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Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.

Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.

Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.

A while back, Denise Richards wanted new boobs. So she packed herself off to the surgeon and guess what?! He went and gave her even bigger boobs! How astonishing!

She says:

“I was getting ready to film ‘Wild Things,’ and I didn’t want to get into a lawsuit with some plastic surgeon. It wasn’t right what the doctor did, but it is what it is.”

And so, she went and got a third boob job to sort them out. This was all a harrowing experience right? WRONG! That’s because she took her newer breasticles and wapped ‘em out in Playboy. Apart from the money and clearly being incredibly needy of attention, why would she do such a thing?

“I wanted to encourage women that it’s OK to embrace your sexuality even though you’re a mom. At the same time, I was having some problems in my marriage [to Charlie Sheen] and I didn’t feel sexy and felt I had to prove something.”

So remember kids: If you’re feeling unsexy, the best course of action is to flash everyone, okay? Good. Even if it is spurred on by being rejected by that dead-eyed bloke from Hot Shots. But no matter, because you can always have a lesbian affair with a famous woman.

“I’m going to name everyone in Hollywood! You would know who she is.”

“I just met her through friends and work and stuff… I was just curious. We were curious. We wanted to see… she was a girly-girl. She’s beautiful. She was more the aggressor.”

If you stick your head out of the window, close your eyes and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the sound of hundred of young men thudding to their knees in their sticky bedrooms.

You’re welcome.

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Apart from the fact Charlie Sheen is a dead-eyed berk with a bizarrely high opinion of himself and a nose that can really handle corrosive high grade drugs, willing to sniff out furniture to punch and women to upset, why on Earth would his former lover, Bree Olson, want to leave him?

She didn’t feel comfortable sharing him with his other girlfriend.

That’s right! The former Two and a Half Men set up this little bubble for himself where he got to have two girlfriends at once. An open relationship in other words. Of course, he couldn’t let it go without meme-ing it, titling the girls his ‘goddesses’. And so porn star Olson and nanny Natalie Kenly became his unit… and the porn star decided she didn’t like the idea of Sheen having sex with someone else. Crikey.

It seems that Olson, who has a lot of sex with people for money, didn’t like the thought of sharing her life with a man who wanted to have sex with someone else.

She says:

“His assistant said, ‘So you know about Natty (Kenly), right? Charlie did tell you about Natty?’ I had no idea. When I got to the house my jaw dropped. I was like, ‘Wow. This is his girlfriend. This is so weird.’ Charlie said, ‘Now all three of us can be together.’ I was like, ‘Wow. OK. Let’s see how this goes’…”

Of course, the way it went was seething jealousy.

“She (Kenly) would spend the whole time fighting for attention and boast about things she had done like cleaning the dishes. She would get very upset and she would cry a lot… I would never try it again – with two girls and one guy in a relationship. However cool a girl tries to say she is about it, jealousy is a natural human reaction.”

While this all seems very plausible, one must ponder that, a relationship like this may well work a treat… provided that there is a complete absence of Charlie Sheen in it.

Hooting simpletons and the emotional requirement for a successful relationship rarely work. Especially those revolving around cocaine and shouting TIGER BLOOD at everyone.

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Brooke Mueller, a woman who was daft enough to have children with Charlie Sheen and rather fond of crack-pipes, may well be thinking of getting back with the former Two And A Half Men chump (once the divorce goes through, confusingly enough), but that doesn’t mean she has to be nice to people on planes.

Mueller got into a spot of bother with the crew of a United jet from L.A. to Cancun (where, we’re told, the crack is AMAZING) and ended up exiting a flight early.

Sadly, she didn’t open the door mid-flight and end up sucking all the passengers out of the plane til there was nothing left but screaming specks on the horizon.

Sources say that Brooke wasm kicking up a stink while sat on a plane, which is exactly what everyone needs before a flight takes off… palms sweating… nervous about being so high in the sky… certain that you’re about to die in a massive fireball into the sea… certain death.

Ahem.

As this particular flying death trap was about to tootle away from the gate, Brooke decided to tell everyone how nauseous she felt. Withdrawal symptoms or remembering Charlie Sheen naked? You decide. Anyway, said she needed to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant told her to sit her sorry behind down.

That’s when things got a little heated.

Brooke insisted on telling everyone that she needed to puke (nice) and, hilariously, the flight attendant abruptly replied with:

“Tough.”

Mueller went nuts and demanded that they let her get off the plane. The crew were all too happy to chuck the mental witch onto the tarmac.

A witness says:

“[Brooke was] belligerent and cussing out the flight attendant”

That said, as irritating as Mueller clearly is, at least she’s not a crying baby. Sadly, there is still no law which allows us to throw those defecating, wailing ogres out of windows at thousands of feet.

Ah well.

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Hey! You know how we thought that Charlie Sheen had gone boring and stopped taking all those lovely, mind-wrecking Class A drugs? Well, we might be in with a bit of luck here because it seems that he’s planning on consuming a lot more, which means he might go mental and die!

See, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have been piddling about with a custody agreement concerning some kids that no-one really gives two hoots about… and in this agreement, both have agreed that neither of this depressing duo should have to undergo random drug tests. Or organised drug tests. Or whatever other find of invasive, eye-watering drug tests there may be.

So are they both planning on being absolute drug wrecks, for the sake of their children? Well, mommy and daddy are awfully dull when they’re not throwing up their fix from the crackpipe or filled to the lid on coke while berating a chandelier.

The trustworthy source that is TMZ (stop laughing – they told us Michael Jackson had joined the invisible choir before anyone else did, so they MUST tell the truth) reported that Brooke was photographed last week, caressing what appeared to be a crack pipe.

They also saw her parked up in a dodgy part of Hawaii (the kind of place Dog The Bounty Hunter likes to run at speed, wind flowing through his acrylic hair), parked up in a car with cash in hand.

And of course, Sheeno is a rehab veteran who likes nothing more than tooting so much drugstuff that his blood becomes thinner than starved mop.

Through all this, we have some little kids who must be thrilled because, with each homewrecking activity, there’ll be the inevitable guilt and hollow apology where they’ll be showered with clammy-affection and gifts.

It really is win-win.

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Detroit’s hilariously thick hip hop mongrels, Insane Clown Posse, have been booking hard for their 12th annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival. Beautifully, Charlie Sheen has been booked for the show and it will almost certainly end in tears.

You’re probably thinking ‘Charlie Sheen isn’t the monumental balls-up he once was. It’ll pass without incident, apart from contrived ones. Next!’ But wait! See, this isn’t about Sheen. This is about Juggalos.

Fact is, they don’t much like people. They’re all misunderstood and… well… like lobbing stuff at people’s heads. Remember Tila Tequila’s performance at the Juggafest? No? Well, she was hammered with rocks during her performance last year, leaving her bloodied and battered. There were pictures of her wounds online and everyone didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so ended up doing a mixture of both with a disaffected shrug thrown in because no-one actually died.

Tequila went about slagging off all the Juggalos, writing:

“The people at Juggalos behavior was disgusting and I am filing a suit against Them now … Pretty soon the owners who run the Juggalos will be bankrupt. My attorney is already on it. This is disgusting behavior from men.”

So can we assume that acts like Busta Rhymes, Lil Jon and Flavor Flav will be welcomed with open arms, leaving Charlie Sheen to be target practice? Probably. Likely in fact.

These tattooed stoners, drunk on grain will be warmed up by rap and peaking just as Sheeno sets foot onstage. He may as well have a target drawn on his chest… unless of course, they’ve welcomed him to their bosom as they identify with him as a brother fuck-up in arms.

God forbid that Sheen should answer the ICP’s most potent question:

“Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”

So what does Sheen have to say?

“Heading to the Insane Clown Posse’s 12th Annual Gathering Of The Juggalos!! 8/13/11 WHY..? Cause I’m down with the clown. Whoop!! Whoop!!”

Oh dear. We’ll start writing the obituary now sonny Jim…

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For all the misery that Charlie Sheen has put us through since his wheeze of Being A Nutter got tired, we’ve all been waiting for some comeback. We kinda hoped he’d OD on bad drugs surrounded by prostitutes rifling his pockets, but alas, it wasn’t to be.

In fact, since Chuck Sheeno knocked the drugs on the head, the best he’s offered is a stupid custody case which is less interesting as watching nana trying to work a television remote.

However, we might get to see his uncomfortable face grinning while he masks the stabbing pain of being torn eight new arseholes as it transpires he’ll be subject to one of those fine American institutions – The Comedy Roast.

Of course, this will be Sheen’s first proper appearance on the idiot lantern since CBS hilariously fired him from the laugh-vacuum that is Two and a Half Men. Interestingly enough, the roasted on Comedy Central will air at the same time the new series of Two and a Half Men kicks off, starring the equally laughless Ashton Kutcher.

Sheen says, with his trademark lack of irony:

“You could say I’ve been providing kindling for this roast for a while. It’s time to light it up. It’s going to be epic.”

Naturally, his stupid life is comedy gold for any comedian who wants to crush someone’s spirit right before our very eyes. There’s drugs, legal troubles, punching chandeliers, his haggard face, making porn stars cry, infidelity, his lack of career and absence of talent to have a pop at. Better still, in an attempt to seem ‘cool with it all’, Sheen will invariably encourage the comedians to go all in, saying that nothing is off limits.

We hope someone goes for the whole ‘Overcompensating for a small dick’ skit at some point. Lazy as hell, sure, but it’ll wound him and he’ll probably start crying before getting it out before everyone while the hall echoes with mocking laughter.

However, there’s already trouble brewing. Sources close to Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller, say that she wants her name “completely off-limits” when The Warlock gets roasted to within an inch of his life. And she could well be backed up by the law on this.

In the divorce settlement, Charlie has promised to never publicly discuss her drug use… which of course, he won’t stop because he’s a thoughtless, attention-seeking, emotional-cripple.

This is going to be so toe-curling that the whole world may end up with a clubfoot.

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In a statement that startled absolutely no-one in the cosmos, Charlie Sheen has come clean and admitted that he once did some drugs and that.

WAIT! It’s steroids this time. Reports that currently no drugs are left in the world for Charlie Sheen to consume are unconfirmed, but we are advising parents to keep their ‘easy-pour’ (my foot) sachets of Calpol under lock and key.

No-one is certain as to why this has come to light, but rumours that Sheen had to remain somehow shocking after he confessed to the use of a fictional drug he alarmingly referred to as “Cha-lay Sheeyn” may be the cause.

A searing article from the world’s well-known bastion of investigative journalism ‘Sports Illustrated’ – a wank-rag for feeble men too afraid to buy real wank-rags – has revealed that Sheen admitted:

“I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids. I did them for like six or eight weeks. You can print this, I don’t give a f*ck – my fastball went from 79 to like 85”

During filming of 1989’s Major League, a film that no-one remembers for any reason whatsoever.

His ‘fastball’ – whatever that is – may have gone from 79 to “like” 85, but – after his recent heroic narcotic intake – his ‘acting and likeability’ has gone from ‘shockingly poor’ to like ‘utterly abysmal’.

Reports are that Sheen is in discussion with Lionsgate regarding a new sitcom deal. We imagine this to be as concrete as the voices in his head.

UPDATE: We’re told that parents should also secure any supplies of Benylin they may have. Apparently he fucking loves Benylin.

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