That’s right – a woman who says she’s been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went.

Well it’s your lucky day, because that’s exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it’s all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that’s prolonged projectile vomiting.

It took a while, but the R Kelly child pornography trial finally looks like it’s starting to get exciting.

Although it opened strongly, with the prosecution playing a sex tape of somone they say is R Kelly having some fairly urine-intensive sex with a 14-year-old girl, it’s since slid into one dreary positive identification after another, with the occasional FBI officer popping up to call the defence stupid. Hardly edge of your seat stuff, is it?

But that was before the prosecution called Lisa Van Allen, by far the most entertaining witness of the lot so far. Why? Because she says she’s had sex with R Kelly. And with the girl who’s thought to star in the R Kelly sex tape. At the same time. And she says that R Kelly recently offered her $250,000 to recover one of his old sex tapes. And that he carries all his old sex tapes around with him in a duffel bag like some kind of creepy, old bastard.

Sadly, R Kelly must have forgotten the duffel bag in court yesterday, because that would have probably made the prosecution’s job a little bit easier, all said. Anyway, according to the Associated Press:

Star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen cried on the witness stand, pausing to regain her composure, as she described several alleged three-way sexual encounters with the R&B star and the alleged victim, some of which she claimed Kelly videotaped… Van Allen told jurors Monday she first had sex with Kelly and the alleged victim in 1998. Kelly would have been around 30 years old at the time, Van Allen about 18 and the alleged victim would have been 14, according to prosecutors’ estimates.

There were other threesomes, too, she claims – once where Lisa Van Allen started crying in the middle, and one that was interrupted by a knock on the door that sent the underage girl running.

However, there are a few things that might cause Lisa Van Allen to be looked upon as not completely trustworthy. Firstly, there’s the fact that she admits stealing one of R Kelly’s $20,000 watches. Then there are claims that she’s only testifying against R Kelly to get her boyfriend a reduced sentence for a gun crime. Then there’s the defence’s secret new witness, who can apparently prove that Lisa Van Allen is making it all up.

And then there’s the way that – if she’s telling the truth – Lisa Van Allen actually had it off with R Kelly and a 14-year-old girl, so her judgement is clearly all spazzed and out of line and she shouldn’t be trusted, even with factual recollections of things that definitely happened.

Still, all that’s for the defence to worry about. And it gets to have a crack at the R Kelly child pornography trial starting tomorrow. Countless witnesses spending days on end saying that R Kelly definitely isn’t the man in the sex tape? We’re not sure if we’ll be able to take the excitement.

So when we heard that there was a three-way Shakira sex tape knocking about, our cries of "there is a God!" could be heard from miles around. After all, if a Shakira sex tape is the holy grail of sex tapes, then a three-way Shakira sex tape is the holy grail, um, being done by two blokes on a boat.

But the excitement was misplaced – the Shakira sex tape has been unmasked as a cruel April Fool's prank by a DJ in Argentina. A cruel, stupid prank by an idiot DJ in rubbish Argentina. Stupid imaginary God.

April Fool's day is crap. Everyone knows that. Oh look, flying penguins! Oh look, a miracle cream for fat people! Oh look, Richard Branson's moving to Mars! Hah, not really! They're all hilarious April Fool's day pranks! Well, OK, not 'hilarious' so much as 'tedious and crap'.

But a Shakira sex tape? Surely that couldn't be an April Fool's day prank, could it? After all, it checks out. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Kristin Davis to some woman we've never heard of from The Hills have all apparently done sex tapes or nude photoshoots lately, so why not Shakira? Also Shakira looks quite dirty and – most importantly of all – we want a Shakira sex tape to exist. And if you can keep aeroplanes in the sky with collective willpower, then surely you can make a Colombian popstar film herself getting rogered too, right?

Which is perhaps why everyone fell for the idea of a Shakira sex tape so badly. The rumour apparently originated when Argentine DJ Javier Ceriani told his listeners that a Shakira sex tape filmed on a yacht and featuring appearances by two different men had been stolen and was about to be leaked onto the internet.

What makes it more interesting is that the two men were Shakira's then-boyfriend Antonio de la Rua and Shakira's La Tortura duet partner Alejandro Sanz. The story had it all; outdoors sex, kinky three-way sex, scandal, thievery and – again, most importantly – video footage of Shakira getting dicked by two blokes at once.

But before the world had even had time to pull down its trousers and find the nearest box of tissues, Shakira and Sanz have denied that her sex tape even exists at all. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

In a joint statement, the singers' representatives say, "This is a false rumor. This is totally absurd any way you look at it. There is no possibility that such a video exists. It is a baseless and malicious rumor."

So it looks as if we'll have to try and learn to live without a Shakira sex tape in our lives. It's hard, but we'll get over it – let's not forget that in times of trouble there's always the fake Meg White sex tape to fall back on.

We're screwed.

Read more:

Shakira and Sanz Deny Sex Tape Prank – SFC