Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.
Simon Cowell has had a threesome.
Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.
Cleaned the vomit from your mouth yet?
Good.
See, while Cowell was talking to not-actually-that-shocking-a-shock-jock Howard Stern, the Pop Culture Mogul talked about his past dalliances and the turbulent state of his current engagement tofianc?e Mezhgan Hussainy.
At the moment, he’s got no idea whether they’re still engaged. When asked, he said
‘not sure’
Annoyed by the convo, Cowell spoke of being betrothed in past tense and grumpily said that he wouldn’t be talking about it any further.
Spokesman Max Clifford says:
‘He likes to keep (his relationship) private. In terms of the relationship, it is long distance. He is back in England at the moment, and when he goes back she will be doing things. When he goes back to the States, she will be doing stuff. To my knowledge they are not having any problems.’
Applying the rule of Anything Max Clifford Says Is Likely To Be The Polar Opposite Of What’s Going On, we can assume that Cowell is indeed having problems and that he isn’t in England and that Simon Cowell is in fact a woman.
Or something.
Still, you want to know about the threesome. Simon confessed to having one years ago, as well as having a date with Denise Richards while she was heavily pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s child.
Talking about his disgusting m?nage-a-trois, he said:
‘A threesome? Yeah, years and years ago… I mean a long, long time ago, I was with these two girls and ended up in bed. It was cool. It was a lot of fun.’
And dating Richards, a former Bond girl no less:
‘We arranged to meet at a hotel polo lounge. She turned up eight months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.’
A dog. In a handbag. Did she have kittens in her coat pockets and a lizard secreted in her colon too? Hollywood is weird.
Cowell also isn’t a fan of condoms either. Apparently, they’re
‘something you wore when you were 17 or something’.
‘There are other alternative methods’
Push your boobs together, because Cowell is coming! Oh, X Factor USA starts on September 21 at 8pm on Fox.
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Flavored Condoms says
I love that simon said
Simon R. Gladdish says
What’s wrong with his flaccid moobs? Compared with many men, his are relatively flat.
Also, Cowell gives at least one per cent of his income to charity which is more than most rock stars do.
DarrenLonsdale says
A threesome?! Well now why all know why Sinitta keeps getting wheeled out year on year like an out of season Christmas tree. She’s obviously got something on him, pictures perhaps? I do hope that the rumours of her featuring in this years X-Factor are untrue. I mean it’s not like she even needs the work – she’s earning