It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.

Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”

Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.

Poor Lautner.

Anyway, the people at People have come forward and said that they had nothing to do with the cover and promptly washed their hands of the whole ordeal.

Like anyone would if they’d falsely claimed a major A-list movie star was gay on one of the biggest American magazines in publication.

So there we have it. Taylor Lautner isn’t gay, okay?

But Craig Revel Horwood and Graham Norton still are, although it’s early on in the day, it could all change.

In other news, both heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality have completely deserted Robert Pattinson after utterly forgetting that he even existed, leaving him to reside with asexuality with a innersole and some lint.

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.

That said, if you’re one of the legions of shrieking Twihards who look to be graduating from the first throes of masturbating over your Twilight ring-binder, looking toward something you can hump for real without getting anyone arrested for statutory rape, then this waxwork is just the thing!

However, like the depressing chastity of the Twilight films, you’ll have to wait a little while (feel free to scream I WILL WAIT FOR YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME TAYLOR! at the top of your lungs, if you like).

Lautner’s more-real dummy will be unveiled to the pinging of hundreds of training bras at Madame Tussauds in January.

This all comes on the back of Taylor got his hands and feet set in cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame alongside Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

Alas, concerning the latter, they were so gaspingly tedious that the cement didn’t even part as they put their hands in, too bored to even obey the laws of physics.

Either way, when Taylor’s star wanes, they can just cover it in glue and roll it around the floor of a barber shop until Tussauds end up with a lifelike Chewbacca dummy.

Films, eh? Who doesn’t love a good film? Earlier today, we told you about Warner Bros. plan to remake Point Break, making it everyone’s least anticipated film of 2014. However, films have started competing with each other which makes everything so much more exciting! Especially when the respective casts both hate one another.

Luckily, the casts of the two competing Snow White movies have been trading barbed remarks like they’re pogs since the two alarmingly similar films were announced. Lily Collins, star of The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, has hit out at Kristen Stewart, claiming the Twlight star will be “perfect” as Snow White and is looking forward to seeing the two versions of the classic fairytale.

Oooh, what a bit- aw, wait. Hang on a minute.

Yes, that’s right folks. The cast members of Snow Whites: Lust For Teenage Money are all copping off with each other and fondling their private parts during press conferences. Collins, who is working on Tarsem Singh’s rival version of the Snow White story (said to be much more gritty, containing less Dwarves and more SS Stormtroopers), has praised the Twilight star’s casting in Rupert Sanders’ Snow White & The Huntsman.

In an interview with Teen Vogue, Collins seemed convinced people would see both versions of the fairytale, making sure that they’re still in line for a big pay cheque from people who don’t quite understand the fact that having two

“I think the audience may very well enjoy seeing two different versions and I think that Kristen is perfect for hers.”

The actress also had praise for her boyfriend and co-star in action ‘epic’ Abduction, Taylor Lautner, who recently said he was ‘rooting’ for both actress’ in the role of Snow White. She said, while stifling her giggles with a $100 bill;

“He’s a very funny, down-to-earth young man.”

Tarsem Singh’s The Brothers Grimm: Snow White will be released March 16, 2012 and it is widely expected that limited ‘bumper’ tickets will be available for both films costing only three times the price of a standard ticket. Two shit films for the price of three. Who could say fairer than that?

Needless to say, this incessant circle-jerkery will continue up until the release date of both films as both production companies try desperately to squeeze as much money out of the two projects as they possibly can by spewing out cross-pollinated marketing into the waiting mouths of teenagers with disposable income.

Still, will Kristen Stewart be ‘perfect’ in the role of Snow White? Well, an emotionless girl who is completely nonplussed by having an evil stepmother, magical dwarf pals and a personality vacuum for a boyfriend? You tell us…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Who can honestly say that they don’t dream nightly about Robert Pattinson making creaky, lustless love to Kristen Stewart?

Oh come on, we know you do. And it’s fine: there’s absolutely no shame in subconsciously picturing what is basically a skeleton wrapped in bleached parchment paper humping on a girl whose O-face is almost certainly the same as all of her other faces (that is: “This is my first dump in five days, and it feels like it’s doing some irreparable damage to my nipsy“.)

Well listen up, you lucky perverts: the Twilight screenwriter has only come out and claimed that the next film will be a horrifically sexualised version of the book, with boobs and bums and everything.

Maybe even a glimpse of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples, if you’re lucky.

Ah, yes, the tricky issue of the last Twilight book is upon us. Assuming you’re not a 13-year-old girl with a weak bladder, or a 35-year-old woman with two thousand cats and a weak bladder, let us enlighten you about this conundrum.

You see, the first three of Stephenie Meyer‘s books about pretty vampires were entirely sexless. That’s not how Hollywood works though, so the movie versions hired Taylor Lautner’s nipples to provide some sex electrons. Luckily for Hollywood – and for tweenaged girls – by the time she got to the fourth book, Stephenie Meyer had grown so weary of writing about clothes shop mannequins getting all emo with each other that she was compelled to introduce a saucy little sex scene between the two main characters.

And that brings us to the news: Melissa Rosenberg, the screenwriter working on the last installment (Twilight: Breaking Dawn), has been quoted by E! Online as saying that the next movie…

“…will be sexier….I think we can get awfully sexy with a PG-13. I think it’s going to be pretty hot. Way hot!”

Yeah, baby! An awfully sexy PG-13 film is exactly what we want the next Twilight movie to be! In fact, we’ve thought long and hard (titter) about this, and have some ideas for Melissa Rosenberg:

Idea 1. Twilight: Breaking Dawn shows the passion which Robert Pattinson genuinely feels for his co-star Kristen Stewart. To maintain the movie’s PG-13 rating, sex scenes between RoPa and KriStew are body-doubled by one of the Easter Island statues and a pony with colic. Taylor Lautner’s nipples are positioned slightly out of camera shot, whispering dirty phrases like “fill her fanny“, “bum spigot“, and “yeah, fart in his face, that is so hot“.

Idea 2: Twilight: Breaking Dawn is re-imagined as a full-on wank flick, wherein Kristen Stewart plays Dawn, a recently-divorced woman who is seduced by her plumber (Robert Pattinson) into doing filthy sexthings while Taylor Lautner’s nipples hide in the spice cupboard, watching.

Idea 3: Twilight:Breaking Dawn is filmed as an homage to Taylor Lautner’s nipples. The film consists of three hours of closeup, hi-definition video of Taylor Lautner’s nipples while he does some extreme chest exercises. Watch as every push-up is captured in exquisite detail, allowing the viewer to witness each individual bead of sweat forming around the areolae, engorging until it finally reaches critical mass and drops – in delicious slow motion – to the gym bench beneath.

You’re welcome, Twilight: Breaking Dawn producers. Just be sure to credit us, and do let us know when the filthflick will be available in Dirty Mick’s Scuzz Emporium.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Next month’s London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse should have been amazing. Robert Pattinson would be there.

Kristen Stewart would be there. At least one of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples may have been down as a heavy pencil. The whole thing should have been so incredibly star-studded that it was bound to provoke enough involuntary urination to make the City of Westminster look like that bit from 2012 where the White House gets taken out by a tsunami.

But that dream is in tatters now. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner have decided that they won’t be attending the London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse. Stewart and Lautner we can understand, but what’s Robert Pattinson’s excuse? That he’s washing his hair? Oh, hardly.

Maybe we’re being too unnecessarily harsh here. Of course Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner don’t hate British people. One of them used to be a British person, for crying out loud, until his hair took over and he became an official resident of The Enchanted Bogswamp. They’ve decided to attend the British premiere of Twilight: Eclipse next month, but they’ve all got perfectly good reasons for it.

Robert Pattinson, for instance, has pulled out because of a scheduling conflict that means he’ll be filming Water For Elephants instead. Kristen Stewart can’t be there because she’s realised that she’s starting to look less and less uncomfortably awkward in public, and has cancelled all appearances until her team has invented a pair of knickers made of stinging nettles and broken glass that can bring the trademark Kristen Stewart scowl back where it belongs. And Taylor Lautner won’t be there because, oh, his nipples want to backpack across Mexico or something.

The important thing is that British Twilight fans don’t get upset. There’ll be plenty of other Twilight: Eclipse stars at the premiere, as Digital Spy reports:

A statement from Eclipse‘s UK distributor E1 Entertainment revealed that franchise stars Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen), Kellan Lutz (Emmett Cullen), Nikki Reed (Rosalie Cullen), Alex Meraz (Paul), Booboo Stewart (Seth Clearwater) and Xavier Samuel (Riley) will all be present at the premiere.

Oh brilliant! Booboo Stewart will be attending the premiere! You, know, Booboo Stewart. He plays Seth Clearwater, who is apparently a Twilight character. And these aren’t the only Twlight stars set to walk the red carpet in London next month – rumour has it that the dreadlocked sort of Matrixy werewolf bloke from the last Twilight film will be there, along with the seventh extra from the left from the fourth crowd scene of Eclipse. You know, the one with the hat.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Imagine what it’s like being a star of Twilight who isn’t Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart or Taylor Lautner.

It must be crap. The producers could replace you whenever they wanted, you’re constantly being overshadowed on the red carpet, and nobody has so much as urinated down themselves for you, let alone carved a rudimentary image of your face into their forearm with the remnants of a broken milk bottle. Yep, being a peripheral Twilight figure must be crap.

But at least it’s well paid. After some frosty contract negotiations, Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz – who play two vaguely inessential characters in the Twilight franchise – have finally signed up to star in Breaking Dawn for a highly increased fee. So when you come to watch Breaking Dawn, be thankful that Greene and Lutz are in it instead of two other people who are just as equally forgettable but slightly less greedy.

For a set of children’s films about a sparkly vampire who falls in love with the world’s dreariest teenager, Twilight has admittedly assembled quite the cast. BAFTA award-winning Kristen Stewart plays Bella. Michael Sheen, one of the world’s most acclaimed actors, plays Aro Volturi. Bryce Dallas Howard, an actress beloved by Lars Von Trier, plays Victoria. Oscar-nominated Anna Kendrick plays Jessica Stanley. Producers even signed up Taylor Lautner’s Nipples in a special two-for-one deal, which is remarkable given how in-demand they are. Yes, Twilight has a wonderful cast.

And then there’s Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz. if you’ve heard of them before, it’s almost certainly got nothing to do with Twilight. Ashley Greene grabbed a nanosecond of notoriety last year when some naked photos of her were published on the internet without her consent, while Kellan Lutz is primarily known as the boy who can’t ever give himself a J-Lo-style name abbreviation because it’d mean that he’d be called Klutz.

But Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz apparently are in Twilight, and both had a brief storyline in New Moon where they tried to get a pair of shoes off a telephone line with a broomstick, or something. And so essential are Greene and Lutz that they had been refusing to sign up for Breaking Dawn unless they got a giant pay rise. Which, as Reuters reports, they’ve just got:

Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene have resolved their salary dispute with Summit Entertainment, signing on for “Breaking Dawn.” Lutz and Greene are getting about $1.25 million for each of the final movies, sources said. That’s a far cry from either the $4 million or $2 million paydays they were initially seeking. But certainly more than they made for the first three movies.

Well played, Ashley and Kellan. We don’t know a great deal about the details of the contract negotiations, but we suspect that Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz must have been willing to walk away from the series. And that means that they must have had a better offer from elsewhere. A better offer than Twilight? Surely there aren’t that many toilets that require to be hand-scrubbed in Los Angeles.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

We cannot wait for Eclipse to be released. We mean that. It’s going to be the highlight of our entire lives.

What’ll happen in Eclispe? We just don’t know! Obviously we could just read the book, but what’s the point of that? How many of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples will we see in the book, huh? None, that’s how many. Hey Stephenie Meyer, sellotape some of Taylor Lautner’s nipples into your stupid books and maybe we’ll think about reading them, OK?

But Eclipse isn’t out for, like, a million years. And so we just have to take what we’re given, like the three brand new still photos from Eclipse. They’re awesome! Five people sort of stand around in one of them, and two people sort of stand around in another one of them, and three people sort of stand around in another one of them. Wanna see? OK! They’re AWESOME!

Honestly, Eclipse can’t come out soon enough. We can’t wait to see what happens in it. We heard from a top-secret source that at one point Taylor Lautner is totally going to take his shirt off, and that Kristen Stewart is probably going to pull a face that makes her look a bit like she doesn’t understand anything that’s going on and a bit like she’s just caught a whiff of rancid yoghurt. Oh, and Robert Pattinon‘s hair is rumoured to look like a giant dermoid teratoma tumour has crash-landed into his head. It’s all speculation, of course, but nevertheless – SQUEEEE!

We do know little bits about Eclipse, though – last month’s Eclipse trailer provided us with the knowledge that it’s going to be EXACTLY THE SAME AS ALL THE OTHER POXY TWILIGHT FILMS, for example – but that’s not enough. No, we won’t rest until we’ve been given three new Eclipse photos! Three new Eclipse photos where very little appears to be happening to anybody!

What’s that? Three new Eclipse photos where very little appears to be happening to anybody have just been released? AWESOME! Let’s take a look at them, shall we?

New Eclipse photo where very little appears to be happening to anybody NUMBER ONE:

This is where the town, after seeing off the vampires and the werewolves, has to endure an attack from the most feared monsters of all – the Levi models. They’re just like vampires and werewolves, but even scarier because after they’ve eaten you they vomit you back up again because it’s a very competitive industry and they don’t want to lose their figures. Also, check out the hottie second in from the right. She is a VERY SEXY LADY INDEED.

New Eclipse photo where very little appears to be happening to anybody NUMBER TWO:

Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner sitting in front of a fire, which doesn’t make any sense because Taylor Lautner is wearing clothes and fire was only originally invented as a device to persuade Taylor Lautner to get his nipples out. WHAT GIVES, ECLIPSE?

New Eclipse photos where very little appears to be happening to anybody NUMBER THREE:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart stage an intervention for Taylor Lautner because he has a shoulder tattoo, hangs out on his porch a lot and wears a vest, so is therefore only a single mullet away from becoming a full-on redneck. Also, judging by this photo, Kristen Stewart has just caught a whiff of some rancid yoghurt.

Image credit: Kimberley French

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!

We’re SO EXCITED! So when we heard that there was an Eclipse teaser trailer on the internet, we almost wet our pants. Then we watched it, realised that nothing actually happens in it and wet our pants anyway because OH GOD IT’S ROBERT PATTINSON! He looks even more like a creepy aristocratic heroin addict than EVER! Eclipse is going to RULE so HARD!

But anyway, we’ve decided to break down the new Eclipse teaser trailer into all its important parts for you. Why, because we love you. No, not really – we actually find you sort of repulsive. But arse-all else has happened today, and we’d be foolish not to take the chance to wind up some boggle-eyed 13-year-old girls when the opportunity presented itself, wouldn’t we?

So then, here’s the brand new Eclipse teaser trailer in all its glory. Ready?

What? You missed it? Was it because you were too busy bouncing up and down with unbridled glee at the thought of more Twilight films? Or was it because you blinked once and missed most of it? Or was it because, even though the trailer’s only ten seconds long, you realised that it was going to be boring and pointless and for a film that’s bound to be a load of donkey bollocks anyway and therefore decided to spend the time doing something more worthwhile like poking at your fingernail or wondering what accents dogs have or just crying?

It doesn’t matter, because we’ve decoded the Eclipse trailer’s most important moments for you, scene by scene. This will clear everything up. Trust us…

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 1

Here we see Robert Pattinson and… ugh, is that Kristen Stewart? Ugh, get your hands off Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart you bitch! We’re the ones who love him! Us! Do you practice your signature over and over again with your last name changed to ‘Pattinson’ so you know what it’ll look like when Robert Pattinson marries you? No? We do. Do you have a Twilight poster of Robert Pattinson that hasn’t got a face because you’ve licked clean through it? No? We do? Do you keep a collection of all the knickers you’ve ever involuntarily urinated in because you suddenly thought of Robert Pattinson? No? We do. SO HANDS OFF HIM PLEASE. THANKS.

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 2

Here Robert Pattinson says “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” and Kristen Stewart gets all like “What choice? The choice to make five whole bloody Twilight films? The choice where the consequences involve getting followed around by millions of panda-faced 12-year-old sub-emos who keep calling me Bella all the time for the rest of my life and I can’t get any work afterwards that doesn’t involve me going googly-eyed at a fucking vampire? Yeah, I know the consequences of that choice, too. They’re shit consequences.”

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 3

Oh for heaven’s sake, put it away for once you bloody prostitute.

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 4

Here Taylor Lautner remembers to put a shirt on FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN HISTORY and says “I’m gonna fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 5

Here Kristen Stewart gets all like “Until my heart stops beating? UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING? Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. Look, Taylor, I appreciate that you’ve managed to figure out how clothes work and everything, but you sounded like the worst kind of pervert nutter just then. Come to think of it, I’m probably just going to go and shack up with Robert Pattinson now. He might smell and have gypsy hair, but at least he doesn’t creep me out as much as you do. I just hope he doesn’t get me pregnant and then bite through my uterus. LOL!”

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Films like New Moon only come along once in a while – or as fast as Summit Entertainment can pump them out.

One or the other. But anyway, it doesn’t really matter, because New Moon is enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office. And why shouldn’t it? After all, New Moon has got something for everyone – 14-year-old girls, 14-and-a-half-year-old girls, 14-and-three-quarters-year-old girls, everyone. It’s catch-all entertainment. Provided you’re a girl, around the age of 14 and a little bit slow.

And if you think New Moon is popular, just wait for the Twilight film where Edward chews through Bella‘s uterus. Wow!

Thanksgiving weekend is an interesting one when it comes to the US weekend box office. On one hand, people should all be spending their weekend at home, eating good food and basking in the unconditional love of their families. But on the other hand, it’s also when people become so desperate to escape all the petty never-ending arguments and stultifying boredom of being around their families that they’ll go and watch any old crap at the movies just to get a few hours of peace.

And by ‘any old crap’ we mean New Moon, because that’s the weekend box office number one for the second week running. And here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (How many times have you seen New Moon this week, huh? Huh? How many times? Is it more than none? Then we hate you.) $42,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Giving New Moon a surprisingly close run for its money. Maybe dreary real-life stories of unerring human kindness are the new topless werewolves. God, let’s hope so) $40,600,000

3 - 2012 (A really terrifying film. Imagine a world largely descended from John Cusack. Doesn’t bear thinking about, really, does it?) $17,800,000

4 - Old Dogs (A film about a cold-hearted professional who suddenly has to raise kids? What an excellent idea for a film! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?) $17,100,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (Surprisingly faithful to the book. We especially liked the bit from chapter four when Scrooge pulls a funny face, yelps like a monkey and runs around aimlessly for 15 minutes at a time) $16,300,000

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

If you haven’t seen New Moon yet, then SPOILER ALERT – it’s rubbish. And about two hours too long. And made up exclusively of painfully drawn-out silences and close-up shots of boy nipples. And it’s rubbish. Did we mention that it’s rubbish?

But New Moon is also successful, which is why it’s number one at the US weekend box office this week. It’s already broken box office records. It’s already the biggest werewolf movie ever. It’s had the biggest-ever opening for an independent movie. It’s caused more involuntary urination than any other film this year and it’s the best-performing film about a pale, undead ghoul with a creepy fondness for people much younger than him since that Michael Jackson film. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (If you liked New Moon, you’ll love watching its stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in other hit films like, um, no. No, actually, we’ve got nothing) $140,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock plays a southern woman who adopts an impoverished young black boy from a broken home and, against the odds, falls in love with him. We made that last bit up based on the plot of every other Sandra Bullock film. We’re probably right) $34,510,000

3 - 2012 (Where John Cusack almost causes the total extinction of the human species. Which we thought he almost did when he made Serendipity. Are we right? Huh? HUH?) $26,500,000

4 - Planet 51 (Where Dwayne The Rock Johnson goes on a fun-filled family adventure and blah blah blah blah blah blah hilarious consequences) $12,600,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (The first of Robert Zemeckis‘ computer animated films where you’re not overwhelmingly creeped out by the almost-human characters. That’s because this is a Jim Carrey film and you’re bound to be more freaked out by the almost-human voices) $12,230,000

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

It’s just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What’s it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously.

But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch – nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they’ve downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too.

Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don’t have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all’s not lost – we’ve got the next best thing.

You don’t have to be an expert on cinema to know that New Moon is going to be a sensation. It’s going to take everything that anyone loved about Twilight – the bad-haired sparkle pixie, the girl with the long face, the terrible Paramore soundtrack – and add so many werewolves and boy nipples and scenes featuring Tony Blair that it’s bound to reduce audiences to quivering, urine-soaked emo pandas within the first minute.

But before New Moon, we have to deal with the New Moon premiere, which took place last night in Los Angeles. The New Moon premiere was important because it gave fans the chance to see their favourite stars close-up, allowing them to answer big questions like ‘Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really an item?’, ‘What does Taylor Lautner look like when he’s wearing clothes?’ and ‘My life really has gone terribly wrong somewhere down the line, hasn’t it?’

As with all premieres, though, the New Moon premiere gave everyone a chance to dress up to the nines and look effortlessly glamorous. We’d show you what the young New Moon stars wore, but sadly we can’t afford the image rights. So instead, we’ve employed a professional illustrator to create near-photographic recreations of their outfits, based on descriptions by MTV. Ready?

Robert Pattinson – MTV said:

Pattinson looked dashing, as the English gentleman wore a fitted black Gucci suit. And the ladies swooned over his tousled, highlighted hair.

Here’s how he looked…

Taylor Lautner – MTV said:

Lautner opted for a blue suit, pairing it with a tie and shirt in a similar shade. But his spiky hair and easygoing demeanor kept the look age appropriate and fun.

Here’s how he looked…

Kristen Stewart – MTV said:

Stewart really glammed it up, abandoning her usual grungy-cool style for a flowing, ethereal gown. But she did hold on to a bit of the trademark Stewart style with her messy, just-out-of-bed updo, with heavy eye makeup finishing the look.

Here’s how she looked…

You’re welcome, New Moon fans!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

With New Moon being released this week, there’s only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga.

And that’s ‘for the love of all that’s holy, won’t somebody make it stop?’ Oh, and also ‘now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?’ That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn’t. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway.

So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You’re welcome Twilight fans. You’re welcome.

At the moment, the Twilight saga has a perfect ending. Breaking Dawn – the book where Edward chews through Bella‘s uterus or whatever – wraps things up nicely for everyone. Bella becomes a vampire, Edward finds love, Taylor Lautner decides that he wants to have sex with a baby or something and all the Twilight fans who read it end up soaked in their own wee to such a horrendous extent that even they realise they should probably start reading real books for once. It’s a perfect ending.

However, because the books are so popular – and definitely not because Stephenie Meyer wants enough money to submerge a giant coin mosaic of her own face at the bottom of her Olympic-sized heated swimming pool – there’s a chance that Breaking Dawn might not be the last Twilight book after all. Why, just the other day Oprah Winfrey opened an episode of her show with the burning question:

“Coming up, will there be a fifth book in the Twilight saga? Stephenie answers that later.”

Admittedly Oprah didn’t get round to actually asking that question – she was probably too busy prattling on about her feelings like some sort of awful ninny – but after the show some backstagers, probably rolling their eyes and muttering “She’s always doing this”, collared Stephenie Meyer and forced her to answer the question. Here’s what she said:

“I can’t answer it. The way I write, it’s what makes me happy. Like, I can’t write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn’ in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn’t come, I’d be OK.”

Brilliant! That means there’s definitely going to be a fifth Twilight book – Stephenie Meyer just needs to write an underperforming book about aliens that makes her realise that she’ll only have enough money to eat if she keeps joylessly churning out Twilight stories first. And you know what that means – a new Twilight book will eventually become a new Twilight film!

We don’t know what we’re more excited about – the thought of seeing a paunchy Taylor Lautner taking his top off with the kind of glee you only get when you’ve spent the last decade making direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers or the fact that, by the time the fifth Twilight film gets made, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will have got married, had children and gone through the bitterest divorce in Hollywood history, making every scene they share toe-curlingly awkward for everyone involved.

But what to call the fifth Twilight book? We’ve already had Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – what comes after that? Well, if our research is anything to go by, we can now comfortably predict that the next Twilight book will be called The Fat Lady Gets Another Jaffa Cake Out Of The Packet. We’re almost completely certain about that.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Being a tween heartthrob doesn’t require all that much brain power. It absolutely requires cheeks worthy of pinching and a personality so adorable it could make people’s brains melt out of their ears. Nowhere in theTween Hunk 101 handbook does it teach you to keep any and all mental defects to yourself.

Taylor Lautner is struggling. Bless his tiny movie-making cotton socks. We don’t mean struggling, as in working out which trouser leg to put on first. Or even struggling to work out which blonde haired singing star is his girlfriend, out of the sea of thousands of beauties just like her. Actually – the latter is sort of what we mean.

There’s an identity crisis going on in teeny tiny tween land. We think we may be the only ones who can help. In a recent interview with Extra TV, Twilight Saga: New Moon actor Taylor Lautner (and all his jail bait goodness) admitted that he has a little trouble with his girlfriend, Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift doesn’t need to be all psycho or anything. Kanye West had all that covered for her, during the VMAs. However, the 19-year-old country singer did do something troublesome. More specifically, her bothersome parents went and did something bothersome. What they did was horrid. Just horrid. They called her the inexplicably normal name of Taylor. Bloody Taylor. What kind of celebrity name is that? They may as well have called her Claire or Sarah or something. That would have made it a little clearer that they wanted to shoot their daughter’s chances of stardom right in the foot.

Taylor Swift has been suffering from years of humiliation. She knows full well that she is never going to stand out, in a world full of Pilot Inspektors and Apples – all of whom are in a corner somewhere, quietly fostering their mental illnesses. There was a point in time, we think it was a couple of Thursdays back, when she may have been considering changing her name (or not). It would have been changed to something more distinctive, celebrity-worthy, and most importantly – bloody weird. She choose Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa but then she found out flippin’ Lisa Bonet had gone and used the name already – thus scuppering her plans.

So she’s stuck. She has a normal name and it’s one she shares with her boyfriend. A fact that has the poor, pretty, simple Taylor Lautner lost for words. He expressed that it’s weird for him to call someone else his own name. Especially when he’s dating them. From Extra TV:

Taylor Lautner has been cozying up to Taylor Swift, and he tells “Extra” that it’s kind of funny dating somebody with the same name.  “It gets confusing definitely,” Lautner, 17, told “Extra’s” Mario Lopez at the “New Moon” (out Nov. 20) junket Friday. “And it’s weird calling somebody your name.”

Our solution is a simple one. We’ve been down to the shops and we’ve gotten some cheap felt markers and sticky labels. How’s about, assuming each can spell their own first and last names, they stick name tags on each other. Then they can get on with having old ladies pinch their cheeks, and not have to expend their energy on working out which one of them gets which mother’s cooking that night.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is the walking definition of the world lovely.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.

He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.

Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.

How do you divide Twilight fans into groups? Splitting them into those who dribble and those who don’t won’t work, because they all dribble. Similarly, you can’t divide them into groups of 1) those who wear black nail varnish and those who don’t, 2) those who uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and those who don’t or 3) those who are desperately lonely and those who aren’t, because all Twilight fans wear black nail varnish, uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and are desperately lonely. That’s just a fact.

But maybe you can divide Twilight fans into those who like Robert Pattinson and those who like Taylor Lautner. Yes, that works. Twilight fans who like Taylor Lautner prefer buff young men with an uncontrollable wild side and an inexplicable propensity for wandering around half naked. And Twilight fans who like Robert Pattinson prefer men who stink like a barrel of bums in a curdled yoghurt factory.

It’s true. Remember all those rumours from earlier this year about how Robert Pattinson stinks? And remember how he initially denied it? Well it’s all out in the open now. We know it’s all out in the open because a) Robert Pattinson has admitted that he stinks, and b) all the foliage in a 40-mile radius of Robert Pattinson’s dirty bum has wilted, died, caught on fire and started to poison people with its toxic bum-smoke. Us Weekly reports:

Pattinson says that he rarely changes his clothes. “These jeans are a few days old,” he says. “But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene – it’s so disgusting!” He explains that his constant travel schedule pares down his wardrobe quite a bit.

You know what? We’re proud of Robert Pattinson. It takes a big man to step forward and admit that he reeks like an old man’s shoe that’s been filled with bat guano. It takes a big man to admit that smelling his scalp is like smelling a pork chop that’s been left behind a radiator for six months. It takes a big man to admit that when he cries, the tears smell like a mixture of raw sewage and infected wounds. Be proud, Robert Pattinson. Hold your chin up high. Raise your arms in triumph.

Actually, no, put your arms down again. Jesus, man, you smell like crap.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

That’s presuming that Taylor Lautner wears knickers. He might not. He doesn’t really wear shirts very often.

Maybe knickers are an afterthought. After all, if you wore shirts as infrequently as Taylor Lautner, you probably wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the threat of splashing a bit of wee directly up the inside of your trousers, would you? Would you? No. No you wouldn’t.

Anyway, Taylor Lautner threw a little tantrum at a press conference on Friday when people wouldn’t shut up about Taylor Swift. We should have just said that at the beginning instead of banging on about knickers, really.

In the next couple of weeks, New Moon will be released and Taylor Lautner will solidify his position as the world’s hottest mostly-nude teenage werewolf. That’s bound to be an exciting time for him, but it also has its downsides. Lautner only needs to look at Robert Pattinson to see that.

Despite all the good things that Twilight fame has brought him, Robert Pattinson’s life has been affected in a number of negative ways, too. It’s made screaming dribble-faced teenage girls try and push him into traffic all the time. It’s made his love life the source of constant uninvited scrutiny. And it also seems to have elongated his face and made him think he can get away with that silly haircut all the time.

And that’s what Taylor Lautner has to look forward to, although hopefully without the unfortunate face and hair thing. Thanks to his burgeoning relationship with Taylor Swift, he already knows what it’s like to have questions asked about his personal life – questions like ‘Is it love?’, ‘Is it a real relationship?’ and ‘Just what are we supposed to call you two anyway? Twoler? Do we get to call you Twoler? Twoler sounds fun’ – and, on the basis of a press conference he took part in on Friday, it doesn’t look like he’s coping that well. E! Online reports:

The most famous member of the New Moon wolf pack got his hackles up Friday afternoon at a press conference for the film, when a reporter asked him about rumors that he’s dating Taylor Swift. “What about us?” Lautner shot back. “The very funny thing is that all of you have seen every single move I have made so I guess I can leave that up to you to decide.”

We probably shouldn’t read too much into this outburst – remember that this is the first time Taylor Lautner has ever carried a film by himself and, coupled with the fact that he’s only about four years old, we should be allowed to forgive him for a few beginner’s mistakes. But that’s missing the most important part. Read the last sentence of Taylor’s quote again. That’s right – he’s leaving the status of his relationship with Taylor Swift up to us to decide.

That’s great, because we’ve decided that we’d quite like both of them to shut up and go away. Thanks, Twoler!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter