Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

If you haven’t seen New Moon yet, then SPOILER ALERT – it’s rubbish. And about two hours too long. And made up exclusively of painfully drawn-out silences and close-up shots of boy nipples. And it’s rubbish. Did we mention that it’s rubbish?

But New Moon is also successful, which is why it’s number one at the US weekend box office this week. It’s already broken box office records. It’s already the biggest werewolf movie ever. It’s had the biggest-ever opening for an independent movie. It’s caused more involuntary urination than any other film this year and it’s the best-performing film about a pale, undead ghoul with a creepy fondness for people much younger than him since that Michael Jackson film. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (If you liked New Moon, you’ll love watching its stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in other hit films like, um, no. No, actually, we’ve got nothing) $140,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock plays a southern woman who adopts an impoverished young black boy from a broken home and, against the odds, falls in love with him. We made that last bit up based on the plot of every other Sandra Bullock film. We’re probably right) $34,510,000

3 - 2012 (Where John Cusack almost causes the total extinction of the human species. Which we thought he almost did when he made Serendipity. Are we right? Huh? HUH?) $26,500,000

4 - Planet 51 (Where Dwayne The Rock Johnson goes on a fun-filled family adventure and blah blah blah blah blah blah hilarious consequences) $12,600,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (The first of Robert Zemeckis‘ computer animated films where you’re not overwhelmingly creeped out by the almost-human characters. That’s because this is a Jim Carrey film and you’re bound to be more freaked out by the almost-human voices) $12,230,000

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It’s just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What’s it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously.

But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch – nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they’ve downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too.

Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don’t have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all’s not lost – we’ve got the next best thing.

You don’t have to be an expert on cinema to know that New Moon is going to be a sensation. It’s going to take everything that anyone loved about Twilight – the bad-haired sparkle pixie, the girl with the long face, the terrible Paramore soundtrack – and add so many werewolves and boy nipples and scenes featuring Tony Blair that it’s bound to reduce audiences to quivering, urine-soaked emo pandas within the first minute.

But before New Moon, we have to deal with the New Moon premiere, which took place last night in Los Angeles. The New Moon premiere was important because it gave fans the chance to see their favourite stars close-up, allowing them to answer big questions like ‘Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really an item?’, ‘What does Taylor Lautner look like when he’s wearing clothes?’ and ‘My life really has gone terribly wrong somewhere down the line, hasn’t it?’

As with all premieres, though, the New Moon premiere gave everyone a chance to dress up to the nines and look effortlessly glamorous. We’d show you what the young New Moon stars wore, but sadly we can’t afford the image rights. So instead, we’ve employed a professional illustrator to create near-photographic recreations of their outfits, based on descriptions by MTV. Ready?

Robert Pattinson – MTV said:

Pattinson looked dashing, as the English gentleman wore a fitted black Gucci suit. And the ladies swooned over his tousled, highlighted hair.

Here’s how he looked…

Taylor Lautner – MTV said:

Lautner opted for a blue suit, pairing it with a tie and shirt in a similar shade. But his spiky hair and easygoing demeanor kept the look age appropriate and fun.

Here’s how he looked…

Kristen Stewart – MTV said:

Stewart really glammed it up, abandoning her usual grungy-cool style for a flowing, ethereal gown. But she did hold on to a bit of the trademark Stewart style with her messy, just-out-of-bed updo, with heavy eye makeup finishing the look.

Here’s how she looked…

You’re welcome, New Moon fans!

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With New Moon being released this week, there’s only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga.

And that’s ‘for the love of all that’s holy, won’t somebody make it stop?’ Oh, and also ‘now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?’ That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn’t. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway.

So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You’re welcome Twilight fans. You’re welcome.

At the moment, the Twilight saga has a perfect ending. Breaking Dawn – the book where Edward chews through Bella’s uterus or whatever – wraps things up nicely for everyone. Bella becomes a vampire, Edward finds love, Taylor Lautner decides that he wants to have sex with a baby or something and all the Twilight fans who read it end up soaked in their own wee to such a horrendous extent that even they realise they should probably start reading real books for once. It’s a perfect ending.

However, because the books are so popular – and definitely not because Stephenie Meyer wants enough money to submerge a giant coin mosaic of her own face at the bottom of her Olympic-sized heated swimming pool – there’s a chance that Breaking Dawn might not be the last Twilight book after all. Why, just the other day Oprah Winfrey opened an episode of her show with the burning question:

“Coming up, will there be a fifth book in the Twilight saga? Stephenie answers that later.”

Admittedly Oprah didn’t get round to actually asking that question – she was probably too busy prattling on about her feelings like some sort of awful ninny – but after the show some backstagers, probably rolling their eyes and muttering “She’s always doing this”, collared Stephenie Meyer and forced her to answer the question. Here’s what she said:

“I can’t answer it. The way I write, it’s what makes me happy. Like, I can’t write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn’ in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn’t come, I’d be OK.”

Brilliant! That means there’s definitely going to be a fifth Twilight book – Stephenie Meyer just needs to write an underperforming book about aliens that makes her realise that she’ll only have enough money to eat if she keeps joylessly churning out Twilight stories first. And you know what that means – a new Twilight book will eventually become a new Twilight film!

We don’t know what we’re more excited about – the thought of seeing a paunchy Taylor Lautner taking his top off with the kind of glee you only get when you’ve spent the last decade making direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers or the fact that, by the time the fifth Twilight film gets made, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will have got married, had children and gone through the bitterest divorce in Hollywood history, making every scene they share toe-curlingly awkward for everyone involved.

But what to call the fifth Twilight book? We’ve already had Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – what comes after that? Well, if our research is anything to go by, we can now comfortably predict that the next Twilight book will be called The Fat Lady Gets Another Jaffa Cake Out Of The Packet. We’re almost completely certain about that.

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Being a tween heartthrob doesn’t require all that much brain power. It absolutely requires cheeks worthy of pinching and a personality so adorable it could make people’s brains melt out of their ears. Nowhere in theTween Hunk 101 handbook does it teach you to keep any and all mental defects to yourself.

Taylor Lautner is struggling. Bless his tiny movie-making cotton socks. We don’t mean struggling, as in working out which trouser leg to put on first. Or even struggling to work out which blonde haired singing star is his girlfriend, out of the sea of thousands of beauties just like her. Actually – the latter is sort of what we mean.

There’s an identity crisis going on in teeny tiny tween land. We think we may be the only ones who can help. In a recent interview with Extra TV, Twilight Saga: New Moon actor Taylor Lautner (and all his jail bait goodness) admitted that he has a little trouble with his girlfriend, Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift doesn’t need to be all psycho or anything. Kanye West had all that covered for her, during the VMAs. However, the 19-year-old country singer did do something troublesome. More specifically, her bothersome parents went and did something bothersome. What they did was horrid. Just horrid. They called her the inexplicably normal name of Taylor. Bloody Taylor. What kind of celebrity name is that? They may as well have called her Claire or Sarah or something. That would have made it a little clearer that they wanted to shoot their daughter’s chances of stardom right in the foot.

Taylor Swift has been suffering from years of humiliation. She knows full well that she is never going to stand out, in a world full of Pilot Inspektors and Apples – all of whom are in a corner somewhere, quietly fostering their mental illnesses. There was a point in time, we think it was a couple of Thursdays back, when she may have been considering changing her name (or not). It would have been changed to something more distinctive, celebrity-worthy, and most importantly – bloody weird. She choose Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa but then she found out flippin’ Lisa Bonet had gone and used the name already – thus scuppering her plans.

So she’s stuck. She has a normal name and it’s one she shares with her boyfriend. A fact that has the poor, pretty, simple Taylor Lautner lost for words. He expressed that it’s weird for him to call someone else his own name. Especially when he’s dating them. From Extra TV:

Taylor Lautner has been cozying up to Taylor Swift, and he tells “Extra” that it’s kind of funny dating somebody with the same name.  “It gets confusing definitely,” Lautner, 17, told “Extra’s” Mario Lopez at the “New Moon” (out Nov. 20) junket Friday. “And it’s weird calling somebody your name.”

Our solution is a simple one. We’ve been down to the shops and we’ve gotten some cheap felt markers and sticky labels. How’s about, assuming each can spell their own first and last names, they stick name tags on each other. Then they can get on with having old ladies pinch their cheeks, and not have to expend their energy on working out which one of them gets which mother’s cooking that night.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is the walking definition of the world lovely.

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Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.

He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.

Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.

How do you divide Twilight fans into groups? Splitting them into those who dribble and those who don’t won’t work, because they all dribble. Similarly, you can’t divide them into groups of 1) those who wear black nail varnish and those who don’t, 2) those who uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and those who don’t or 3) those who are desperately lonely and those who aren’t, because all Twilight fans wear black nail varnish, uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and are desperately lonely. That’s just a fact.

But maybe you can divide Twilight fans into those who like Robert Pattinson and those who like Taylor Lautner. Yes, that works. Twilight fans who like Taylor Lautner prefer buff young men with an uncontrollable wild side and an inexplicable propensity for wandering around half naked. And Twilight fans who like Robert Pattinson prefer men who stink like a barrel of bums in a curdled yoghurt factory.

It’s true. Remember all those rumours from earlier this year about how Robert Pattinson stinks? And remember how he initially denied it? Well it’s all out in the open now. We know it’s all out in the open because a) Robert Pattinson has admitted that he stinks, and b) all the foliage in a 40-mile radius of Robert Pattinson’s dirty bum has wilted, died, caught on fire and started to poison people with its toxic bum-smoke. Us Weekly reports:

Pattinson says that he rarely changes his clothes. “These jeans are a few days old,” he says. “But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene – it’s so disgusting!” He explains that his constant travel schedule pares down his wardrobe quite a bit.

You know what? We’re proud of Robert Pattinson. It takes a big man to step forward and admit that he reeks like an old man’s shoe that’s been filled with bat guano. It takes a big man to admit that smelling his scalp is like smelling a pork chop that’s been left behind a radiator for six months. It takes a big man to admit that when he cries, the tears smell like a mixture of raw sewage and infected wounds. Be proud, Robert Pattinson. Hold your chin up high. Raise your arms in triumph.

Actually, no, put your arms down again. Jesus, man, you smell like crap.

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That’s presuming that Taylor Lautner wears knickers. He might not. He doesn’t really wear shirts very often.

Maybe knickers are an afterthought. After all, if you wore shirts as infrequently as Taylor Lautner, you probably wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the threat of splashing a bit of wee directly up the inside of your trousers, would you? Would you? No. No you wouldn’t.

Anyway, Taylor Lautner threw a little tantrum at a press conference on Friday when people wouldn’t shut up about Taylor Swift. We should have just said that at the beginning instead of banging on about knickers, really.

In the next couple of weeks, New Moon will be released and Taylor Lautner will solidify his position as the world’s hottest mostly-nude teenage werewolf. That’s bound to be an exciting time for him, but it also has its downsides. Lautner only needs to look at Robert Pattinson to see that.

Despite all the good things that Twilight fame has brought him, Robert Pattinson’s life has been affected in a number of negative ways, too. It’s made screaming dribble-faced teenage girls try and push him into traffic all the time. It’s made his love life the source of constant uninvited scrutiny. And it also seems to have elongated his face and made him think he can get away with that silly haircut all the time.

And that’s what Taylor Lautner has to look forward to, although hopefully without the unfortunate face and hair thing. Thanks to his burgeoning relationship with Taylor Swift, he already knows what it’s like to have questions asked about his personal life – questions like ‘Is it love?’, ‘Is it a real relationship?’ and ‘Just what are we supposed to call you two anyway? Twoler? Do we get to call you Twoler? Twoler sounds fun’ – and, on the basis of a press conference he took part in on Friday, it doesn’t look like he’s coping that well. E! Online reports:

The most famous member of the New Moon wolf pack got his hackles up Friday afternoon at a press conference for the film, when a reporter asked him about rumors that he’s dating Taylor Swift. “What about us?” Lautner shot back. “The very funny thing is that all of you have seen every single move I have made so I guess I can leave that up to you to decide.”

We probably shouldn’t read too much into this outburst – remember that this is the first time Taylor Lautner has ever carried a film by himself and, coupled with the fact that he’s only about four years old, we should be allowed to forgive him for a few beginner’s mistakes. But that’s missing the most important part. Read the last sentence of Taylor’s quote again. That’s right – he’s leaving the status of his relationship with Taylor Swift up to us to decide.

That’s great, because we’ve decided that we’d quite like both of them to shut up and go away. Thanks, Twoler!

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This Taylor Lautner/ Taylor Swift thing is throwing up a lot of questions. Are they dating? Is it for real?

Does it even matter? Why are our lives so very empty? That sort of thing. But the good news is that Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift – or Twoler, as literally nobody is calling them – seem to be getting closer to one another. They’ve been on dates, they’ve been photographed together, they’ve given coy interviews about each other. It looks like Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are for real.

Still, it must be hard to make time for one another, what with Taylor Lautner’s New Moon coming out really soon and the album that Taylor Swift would do anything to promote and… oh, wait a minute.

This is just a hunch, but we get the feeling that Taylor Swift is going to feel the full force of a backlash quite soon. Sure, she might have won everyone over by looking a little bit sad when Kanye West told her that she wasn’t as good as Beyonce that time, but that might not last long now that she’s probably dating Taylor Lautner.

Thanks to a combination of his leading role in New Moon and his ridiculous inability to keep a shirt on for more than a couple of seconds at a time, Taylor Lautner is the hottest star in the world at the moment. And since his fanbase is entirely made up of the kind of mad-eyed teenage girls who like to spend their time kissing posters of him and practising what their signature would look like if they ever got married him, that would probably make his girlfriend public enemy number one.

And if we’re to believe what we’re told, his girlfriend is Taylor Swift. Rumours of their romance first surfaced when Taylor Lautner was seen at a Taylor Swift concert. Nothing funny about that, you might think, but consider this – Taylor Lautner didn’t even scream or puke or try to leave or drop to his knees while clutching his ears in the mistaken belief that they were bleeding once during the concert. That’s not how boys behave at Taylor Swift concerts. Not unless they love her.

And now their relationship seems to have taken another step forward. They went to see a hockey match together! They get to kiss in their new movie Valentine’s Day! And Taylor Swift briefly got slightly tongue-tied while talking about Taylor Lautner! MTV reports:

Taylor Swift has admitted she is “really close” to Twilight hunk Taylor Lautner. The stars were spotted enjoying an ice hockey game together at the weekend, fuelling reports of a romance. Now in a new interview when asked about any relationship she said: “I don’t know, he’s an amazing guy and we’re really close … and ah … yep. We’re in a movie together and I am really excited about seeing it.”

Sounds serious. But if you’re a Taylor Lautner fan and you’re distraught about Taylor Swift getting her claws into your man, don’t worry. Nothing lasts forever, and the two Taylors are bound to split up eventually. And by ‘eventually’ we mean ‘the moment that the promotional cycle for the DVD release of Valentine’s Day is over’. Hang in there, Lautner fans.

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NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT: We’ve heard from insiders that Taylor Lautner might take his shirt off in New Moon.

But tell nobody. It’s a secret. If you look closely at the New Moon marketing campaign, though, you might see hints. Like the way that, say, Taylor Lautner doesn’t wear a shirt in any of the New Moon trailers. Or any of the New Moon posters. Or the way that he appears to have never worn an item of clothing on his torso ever, even briefly as a joke.

And this upsets Taylor Lautner. He says he wants to be remembered for his acting, not his body. And he’ll prove it with his next movie, The Topless Adventures Of Captain Areola And The Greased-Up Avengers.

Taylor Lautner must be under an incredible amount of pressure at the moment. In just over three weeks he’ll be carrying his first movie as a lead. That’s hard enough as it is, but this film is New Moon – a Twilight film – so that means he’s guaranteed to be followed about by legions of dribble-flecked female fans wherever he goes. Worse, those fans will either be noisy, near-hysterical teenagers or creepy, slightly paedophilic-seeming middle-aged women, so it won’t even be fun. And, worse still, he probably won’t be wearing a shirt when it happens.

Because Taylor Lautner never wears a shirt. Never. Ever since the New Moon director told him to beef up or get out, Taylor has spent every minute of every day strutting around without a top on. That goes beyond showing off – that’s just impractical. It might make teenage girls scream, but so does violent abduction and there’s nothing funny about that.

And Taylor Lautner seems to know that he’s becoming known primarily as Nipple Boy, which is why he’s decided to whine about his prolific lack of clothing to MTV, saying:

“I don’t want to become known as just a body. If I had to choose, I would never take my shirt off again in a movie, but I guess that’s not very realistic. I certainly won’t be asking to do it, though.”

Taylor’s right. Although he’d like very much to play a normal human being who wears an appropriate amount of clothes for the rest of his career, it’s just not very realistic.

For starters, there are the rest of the Twilight films to make – and we’ve all read that chapter in Eclipse where Jacob rubs a stick of butter across his naked body in slow motion to the sound of I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd – and his chances of keeping his shirt of post-Twilight are also pretty slim. After all, the world of tawdry low-budget cable TV erotic thrillers is kind of fastidious about that kind of thing, and that’s obviously where he’s headed.

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New Moon won’t be released for another month, but that’s too long for us. We want New Moon to come out now!

Why the sudden enthusiasm? Have we finally succumbed to the hype and decided that we’d actually enjoy New Moon? Since we’re not fat little squealing 14-year-old girls, we’d have to say no. We actually want New Moon to come out now so that Summit can hurry up and start showing millions of poxy trailers for Eclipse all the bloody time instead.

But until then we’ll have to put with millions of New Moon trailers, the trillionth of which has just been released. After the jump!

We’ve lost count of all the different New Moon trailers that have been released since Twilight came out. Let’s try and count them – there was the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey, then there was the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey. Oh, and who can forget the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey? Classics, all of them.

In fact, we’d say that you probably don’t have to go and actually see New Moon any more, because if some enterprising young fellow decided to stitch together all the different New Moon trailers that have come out over the course of the last few months, then you’d probably have the entire movie in full right there. Or at least 90 minutes of footage where Taylor Lautner hasn’t got a shirt on and Kristen Stewart stands around looking a bit dopey. Which is exactly what New Moon is basically going to be, anyway.

Anyway, a brand new New Moon trailer has hit the internet and – because nothing else has happened today – we’re going to show it to you. Ready?

Now if you’re anything like us, you probably didn’t see much of the trailer because every time you pressed play you started crying and screaming and trying to lick your computer screen and screaming “I LOVE YOU ROBERT PATTINSON!” so hard that you dislodged some of your teeth. So with that in mind, let’s go over some of the key scenes from the new New Moon trailer:

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE ONE

The dialogue from this New Moon scene has been obscured, but we can exclusively reveal what it is for the very first time…

Kristen Stewart: What’s that hard thing in your trousers, Taylor Lautner?

Taylor Lautner: Oh, that’s, oh… it’s a mystical werewolf thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Kristen Stewart: Really? Because it feels a bit like…

Taylor Lautner: Mystical werewolf thing. Stop talking about it now.

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE TWO

We’re not completely sure what’s going on here, but it looks like Robert Pattinson is humping Taylor Lautner’s naked leg like a horny dog while Kristen Stewart watches. That’s just how Robert Pattinson rolls.

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE THREE

Wow, KD Lang’s let herself go a bit, hasn’t she?

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Are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner?

Well, yes. Yes, there are probably several. But are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now who have the same first name and might possibly be dating than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? No. We mean, there might be. But we haven’t checked. Seriously, what kind of joyless imbecile goes around finding couples who share a first name to see if they’re more or less famous than other couples who share a first name? Not us, buddy. NOT US.

Anyway, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner might be dating. That was our point.

Poor old Robert Pattinson. Thanks to Twilight, he’s spent much of this year swanning around with his pointy cheekbones and stupid haircut like he’s cock of the walk. Why just a few months ago, Robert Pattinson could have easily stolen your girlfriend, provided that your girlfriend was a kohl-eyed 13-year-old girl with a slack bladder and a depressing fondness for Paramore.

But now? Now Robert Pattinson is out of the picture. He’s only got a bit-part in New Moon, and so he can’t even get a date these days. Instead, everyone has turned their attention Taylor Lautner, who plays Willy The Werewolf in New Moon. He’s just like Robert Pattinson in that he’s got a genuinely alarming haircut, but he’s also compulsively unable to keep a shirt on for longer than about 30 seconds, so all the ladies love him.

Specifically, Taylor Swift loves him. Or at least that’s the rumour. MTV reports:

The pair have set tongues wagging after they were spotted canoodling following one of Swift’s concerts at the weekend. Lautner was also present at two of Swift’s Chicago gigs, sitting in the front row. According to Access Hollywood, the actor couldn’t keep his eyes off Swift and after she finished her performance, the couple shared a hug.

Now this might be a bit premature, but we think we can smell a megacouple in the making. After all, Taylor Lautner is currently the most desirable young actor on the planet, and Taylor Swift is currently the most desirable probable virgin who’s only famous because her music video isn’t as good as Beyonce’s music video on the planet. They’re made for each other.

So let’s start the whole megacouple process now. First we need to pick a clever Brangelina-style compound name for them. So let’s take the first half of Taylor Swift’s name and the last half of Taylor Lautner’s name. That gives us… oh, Taylor. OK, then we’ll take the first half of Taylor Lautner’s name and the last half of Taylor Swift’s name. Taylor. Oh balls. This isn’t working out nearly as well as we’d hoped. Taayloor? Ttaayylloorr? Twoler? Twoler. That’ll do. Twoler.

Congratulations on your budding relationship Twoler. We look forward to calling you Twoler as often as possible until you decide not to be a couple any more, which we expect to happen roughly four minutes after Taylor Lautner can stop promoting New Moon.

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Want to know how big New Moon is? It’s so big that even New Moon trailers have their own teaser trailers now.

Sadly, we’re not joking. A New Moon trailer comes out on Friday, and to tease fans – about the trailer – a 15-second peek has emerged.

Before the New Moon trailer teaser trailer came a teaser to the teaser trailer to the New Moon trailer, which consisted of five seconds of the New Moon trailer teaser trailer. And before that came the teaser to the teaser to the teaser trailer to the New Moon trailer, which lasted a tenth of a nanosecond and only existed in the mind of one overexcited teenage girl. Or bloody SOMETHING.

We think we speak for everyone here when say “Oh, for God’s sake”. New Moon is still over a quarter of a year away, and it’s already easily the most unbearable thing that any of us have ever had to endure. Every single incremental leaked piece of New Moon information – from the picture of the Wolf Pack to the first New Moon trailer to the legitimately dreadful-sounding Comic-Con panel – means being forced to put up with millions of teenage girls flailing and breathlessly clattering into each other and screaming until they rupture their small intestines.

And that’s fine. That, along with self-harm and binge-drinking, is what teenage girls do. But this? This is just taking the piss.

On Friday, a new New Moon trailer will be shown ahead of screenings of Bandslam, the new Vanessa Hudgens movie. That in itself is enough to inspire breathless hysteria, both in fans of the Twilight series and dirty old men who’ve spent the last week panting over the naked Vanessa Hudgens pictures and the naked Ashley Greene pictures and wrongly assume that a New Moon trailer followed by Bandslam will contain more young nudity than you’d find on Gary Glitter’s hard drive. But apparently it’s not enough.

Because a teaser for the New Moon trailer has appeared online. Not a New Moon teaser trailer. A 15-second teaser of the actual trailer itself. For people who can’t wait two days. Just thinking about this is giving us the early stages of an aneurysm, so we’ll just show it to you instead…

But what did it all mean? What did the complex montage of images in the New Moon trailer teaser trailer actually mean? Don’t worry – we’ll break it down for you, scene by scene:

SCENE ONE

Here we can clearly see Robert Pattinson leaving Kristen Stewart, probably because she’s a bitch and she’s wearing an ugly coat.

SCENE TWO

Here we can see Kristen Stewart being comforted by Taylor Lauter, who hasn’t realised what a skank bitch she is. He’ll learn.

SCENE THREE

Here, Kristen Stewart mumbles something slightly inaudible. It might be “You’re so beautiful”. It might be “You’re sort of beautiful”. It might be “Jesus christ Taylor, what’s going on with your hair? Have you started a Charles And Eddie tribute act or something? You look ridiculous” Or it might just be “Mumble mumble mumble I’m a massive bitch.” It is Kristen Stewart, after all.

So what does it all mean? Here’s an idea – read the cocking book.

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Oh no. Twilight has started swapping its actors around again, and you know how furious that makes its fans.

So who’s out now? Has Taylor Lautner been elbowed? Has the recession forced producers to replace two of the New Moon Wolf Pack with some rudimentary kebab-meat statues of Adam Rickett? Has Robert Pattinson quit Twilight because he’s tired wiping teeny urine off his front door every morning?

No. It’s the character of Victoria – Rachelle Lefevre is out and Bryce Dallas Howard is in. We suppose we should draft up that ‘Robert Pattinson gets Bryce Dallas Howard pregnant’ article, then.

In many ways, the Twilight saga is like moving into your first home. Partly because it’s something that you think will be short and easy but inevitably ends up lasting forever, costing several times more than you expected and leaving you with deep, vast emotional scars that will never fully heal. And partly because of the furniture.

Like your first home, Twilight started off full of whatever cheap old crap the producers could get their hands on. It starred Kristen Stewart, the Ikea Emily Browning. It starred Kellen Lutz, the Tesco Value Tom Welling. And it starred Robert Pattinson, the second-hand-and-borrowed-from-your-mum-even-though-you-don’t-really-like-it Henry Cavill. And, as the Twilight films have gone on, some of these pieces have begun to slowly get replaced.

For New Moon, they tried to replace Taylor Lautner – at least until fans started squealing in protest – and they brought in esteemed names like Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen. And now for Eclipse they’re replacing Rachelle Lefevre, who played Victoria Cullen, with critically-acclaimed actress Bryce Dallas Howard. Does this mean that in Breaking Dawn Bella and Edward will be played by Dame Judi Dench and the reanimated corpse of Sir John Gielgud?

Yes. Yes it clearly does mean that. But for now let’s concentrate on Bryce Dallas Howard starring in Eclipse, shall we? The LA Times reports:

“We are incredibly happy that Bryce has agreed to come into the franchise,” said Erik Feig, Summit’s president of worldwide production and acquisitions. “Rachelle brought “Victoria” to great screen life and Bryce will bring a new dimension to the character. The franchise is lucky to have such a talented actress as Bryce coming in to fill the role.”

What’s interesting here is the stealth in which Bryce Dallas Howard has quietly replaced Rachelle Lefevre. It’s almost like the Eclipse producers were terrified that the Twilight fanatics would kick up a stink on the internet like they did when Taylor Lautner was almost replaced. But now the news is out, so we expect the protests to begin any second now.

Now.

Now?

Hello? Anybody? What’s that? Nobody minds that Rachelle Lefevre has been replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard because she’s not a non-threateningly attractive teenage boy who Twilight fans buy posters of just so they can stay at home at night licking them? Oh. OK. Good point.

Still, we’d like to personally welcome Bryce Dallas Howard into the world of Twilight, and assure her that she’s going to be great in Eclipse. After all, Bryce has appeared in Spider-Man 3, Terminator Salvation, the sequel to Dogville and two late-period M. Night Shyamalan movies – so if there’s one thing she’s good at, it’s jumping in on a film franchise at exactly the moment that everyone stops liking it. This role could have been created for her.

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It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor’s female teenage fanbase has kept him the job.

True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don’t pretend you’ll notice the difference.

New Moon – or Twilight 2 as we’re almost definitely going to call it forever simply because it annoys you – doesn’t need to do much to become a box office sensation on the scale of Twilight. All it needs is a rubbishy Paramore soundtrack, endless shots of Robert Pattinson sucking in his cheeks like a boy trying to dislodge a wedge of lamb from between his molars and the occasional subliminal flashcard reading things like ‘Never Have Sex’ and ‘Willies Give You Cancer’.

But we’ll be buggered if Summit Entertainment isn’t doing everything to arse it all up. First it sacked the director of Twilight and replaced her with the man who made The Golden Compass into such a mess, and then it let Robert Pattinson cut his hair – an act so disfiguring that he may as well have driven a bus over his own face.

Worst of all, though, Summit thought about giving the heave-ho to Taylor Lautner, the malnourished-looking pipecleaner who played Jacob Black in Twilight. You see, in New Moon Jacob Black rises from bit-player to lead – and a hulking werewolf of a lead at that – and Summit was concerned that it might be a misstep to let Taylor Lautner continue to play the part since a) he has the charisma of a soggy mattress and b) he has the physique of an oven-withered Gareth Gates action figure.

Taylor Lautner was set to be replaced on New Moon with Michael Copon, a man who still has the charisma of damp bedding but at least looks as if he can open doors without breaking into too much of an exhausted flopsweat. That was until the army of wailing, stomping, unstoppably awful 14-year-old ninnies who make up Twilight’s fanbase decided to hold their breath until Taylor Lautner was kept on as Jacob Black in New Moon.

And now, as Reuters reports, it seemed like the plan worked:

“The characters in (author) Stephenie (Meyer)’s books go through extraordinary changes of circumstance and also appearance; so it is not surprising that there has been speculation about whether the same actor would portray a character who changes in so many surprising ways throughout the series,” Weitz wrote in a letter posted on Meyer’s website. “But it was my first instinct that Taylor was, is, and should be Jacob.”

Taylor Lautner has much to be thankful for, then. If it wasn’t for the support of all the Twilight fans, he might go down in history as simply ‘Twilight bit-part player Taylor Lautner’. But now he’s been elevated to a lead in New Moon he can be assured that he’ll grow up to be known as ‘hasbeen former childstar Taylor Lautner’. And hooray for that.

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Sure, it meant Taylor Lautner had to make one film where he barely registered because everyone was creaming themselves dizzy over Robert Pattinson and his ridiculous homeless haircut – but in the Twilight sequels, Jacob is a lead.

Jacob, mind you, not Taylor – according to reports, everyone thinks that Taylor Lautner is too much of a scrawny little pissbag to play Jacob in Twilight 2, so he’s doing everything to save his job. If you need him, he’ll be over there mainlining doughnuts.

The official title for Twilight 2 – which we’re still going to keep calling Twilight 2 out of nothing more than petty spite, by the way – is New Moon. But perhaps a more appropriate title for it would be New Everything, because that seems to be the way that Twilight 2 is going.

First Twilight’s director Catherine Hardwicke was booted off the sequel – because, as we later discovered – she wasn’t Golden Compassy enough – and now it looks like Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob Black in Twilight, might be headed for a similar fate. Where will this end? Admittedly you could quite easily substitute Robert Pattinson for a plank of wood with a repulsively matted whore’s merkin on top of it and nobody would be able to tell the difference, but come on.

The problem seems to be that, in Twilight 2, Jacob Black becomes a sinewy, muscular werewolf. And meanwhile Taylor Lautner looks like a threadbare pipecleaner that’d burst into tears if you stared at it hard enough. We’d say that you could play the xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but it’s not true – you could play the toy xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but any songs you attempted would make a sound like a lonely pensioner sighing with disappointment because the postman hasn’t come again, and what’d be the point of that? Taylor Lautner is, in short, a weed.

So, with the news that the Twilight producers are keen to switch him with the larger Michael Copon from Scorpion King 2 – an actor who looks exactly like Lautner would if he had 15 snooker balls implanted under his skin – Taylor Lautner has decided to do something about it.

And that’s why, as we speak, Taylor Lautner is in the middle of a Rocky-style training montage that’s a bit lighter on the ‘running up stairs’ part and a little heavier on the ‘having melted cheese poured into his mouth through a funnel for 16 hours a day’ part as People reports:

“I have been working out. I’ve been working out since the day we finished filming Twilight. I just weighed myself today; I’ve put on 19 lbs.,” Lautner told MTV on Wednesday night. And Lautner says he’s meeting this week with director Chris Weitz to make – and show – his case. “I’m guaranteeing Weitz 10 more [pounds] by filming,” the star said at the InStyle-sponsored bash in West Hollywood.

OK, maybe we’ve been a little unkind to Taylor Lautner here – it’s actually completely admirable that he’s met his criticism head-on to keep his place on Twilight 2. And we honestly hope that his sudden 13kg weight gain will convince Chris Weitz to let him star as Jacob Black for the rest of the series.

True, if he does keep his job, Twilight 2 might need a rewrite to make Jacob the first borderline-obese werewolf in history who travels everywhere on a Segway because he gets out of breath even walking to the toilet any more, but the Twilight fans want what they want.

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