Though famous for making excellent life choices, Rihanna has made one more – by getting a set of hideous tattoos. Most female celebrity tattoos look like they were purchased with a Groupon voucher and inked by Micheal J Fox post-Parkinson’s. Rihanna’s are no exception.

The never-knowingly-dressed starlet has got the words ‘Thug Life’ inked on her knuckles, and something so wonderfully secret that she’s yet to tweet a photo on her back.

Yes, you read that right. Thug. Life. Life must be really tough in that multi-million dollar ghetto she’s living in. We heard that just the other day the barista accidentally gave her the wrong sort of soya milk in her dickheaduccino. So she had him drive-by’ed (we possibly made this up).

Rihanna tweeted about the new tat saying:

“? All these b****es screaming that 2pac back ? #THUGLIFE.”

AND

“Tat my fuckin name on u girl so I know its real!!! #MINE”

Getting another tattoo was possibly the least shocking thing Rihanna could do. If she really wanted to shock us, she should show us a clean bill of health from an STD clinic, or convert to Mormonism.

Rihanna is clearly showing signs of dementia. Not only does she appear to ask her grandmother what her name is in one of her songs, her tattoos seem to show Memento-like references to her life. The 14 that we can think of are…

1. Musical notes on her right foot. An obvious reference to her career choice.

2. Pisces sign behind her ear. So she knows her month of birth

3. Some misspelled Sanskrit jibberish down her side. To remind her that she’s an unswerving nincompoop.

4. A star in her left ear – to remind her about the ones she got on her back

5. More foreign scrawlings on her ribcage. Allegedly her order at Starbucks

6. Skull on her foot – to remind her not to order a starter AND a desert

7. The word ‘love’ on her finger. It’s on the hand she used to shield her face from the blows

8. Shhh on another finger. Short for Shut The Fuck Up.

9. The date of her best friend’s birthday.

10. Tribal design – to remind her to rip off other people’s culture, as well as their music

11. A gun near her boob – useful during hostage situations and robberies.

12. ‘Rebelle Fleur’ on her neck or something (we lost interest at this point). Because thing sound less dickish in French, right?

13. And the kicker – ‘Never a failure, always a lesson’ WRITTEN IN MIRROR WRITING ON HER SHOULDER.

Rihanna is a douche of the highest proportions. We know we’re not really allowed to say this, but forget Chris Brown – we’re willing to bet that if Ghandi was left in a room with her, he’d be using her meaty thighs to beat her to death with four minutes in.

Tops.

If we were Rihanna, then the only tattoo we’d accept should read: stop humping woman-abusing low lives. Or warning: will go into anaphylactic shock if forced to wear more than two items of clothing.

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

We all dream of doing something cool for a living, right? Becoming a bass-player in a hot band or making ice-sculptures for obscenely wealthy investor balls. Well, some people actually have the nerve to go and do it.

We’re not jealous at all. Nope.

Okay. We’re hugely envious of these people. However, listening to them speak can be rather inspiring, mainly because the cynic in you thinks ‘Hey! Look at this bozo! I could do his job!‘ Well, Sailor Jerry have made a buncha short films looking at people who have enviously great jobs but aren’t idiots with it.

Of course, not all cool jobs will make you grotesquely wealthy overnight.

The films made by Sailor Jerry look at labours of love and people who can’t quite believe their luck, which is irritatingly sweet for jaded hacks like us.

And so, here’s a selection of videos that show off those who decided to go for broke in the world of tattooing, motorcycles and more.

God, we’re so unswervingly pathetic in comparison.

This article is sponsored by Sailor Jerry, which is just swell

It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.

The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.

Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.

Yeater had said that she became pregnant with the ‘Baby’ singer’s child following a… get this… 30-second romp (each your heart out Boris Becker!) backstage after one of his concerts in Los Angeles in October 2010. No. ‘Backstage’ is not a euphemism for which direction Bieber could’ve entered Yeater’s gluff.

Of course, Justin has continually and vehemently denied the claims, but just to look more innocent, he absolutely agreed to a paternity test.

The suit was quietly withdrawn last week.

Mariah’s lawyers – Lance Rogers and Matt Pare – have also slowly backed away from the claim and stopped representing Mariah after JB’s attorney Howard Weitzman warned Yeater they were planning to sue her and her legal representatives for making false claims.

And like a cyclist tackling a double decker bus, there’s only ever going to be one winner, and that’s the bigger, rougher boys with the money.

Justin insisted he would not “waste” his time meeting his accuser face-to-face because her claims were so vindictive, noting that:

“All this stuff is dealt with by my legal team. But if they want me to (take a paternity test) then I will.”

When asked what he would say to Mariah if he could meet her, he said:

“Nothing, I wouldn’t waste my time. I guess (she’s done this) for attention, but it’s not something I am interested in. These people are not worth my thought or time.”

Remember when Bieber was all forgiving, kindly and Christian? Look at him now! Scorning people and saying they’re a waste of his precious time!

Ladies and gentlemen, the rot has set in! Justin Bieber (or his replacement) is on the cusp of becoming dead-eyed, hollowed out and cynically nasty.

BRILLIANT.

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Do you like gay people? Perhaps you’re a gay person yourself? Doesn’t matter one jot. That’s because Miley Cyrus likes gay people more than anyone else, ever. How do we know this? Because she’s got a tattoo.

As well you know, young people get tattoos about the things they feel strongly passionate about… the things they will stand-by for life… and boy, Miley means it, maaaaaan.

See, she’s decided to get a tattoo that shows that she supports gay marriage. What have you done? Nothing we bet. Unless you happen to be gay and have got married. Even then, marriages don’t often last as long as tattoos, so even you lose.

So how has Miley shown her support for the homosexuals of the world? Has she written a heartfelt diatribe against the naysayers and had some strapping woman ink it onto her young back?

Absolutely not. She’s got herself an equal sign on her finger.

Now we think of it, this could be a declaration of love for mathematics. Wait! Here comes Miley to clear it all up for us idiots.

“ALL LOVE is equal”

That’s the statement Cyrus made on twitter alongside a photo of her tattoo.

Of course, with her having a lot of rednecks and Disneyites following her, it didn’t wholly go down too well. This saw her venting spleen.

“Where does it say in the bible to judge others? Oh right. It doesn’t. GOD is the only judge honey. ‘GOD is love.’”

She of course means: God is made-up. But whatever. And she does have a point though. While you see Christians berating the gays of the world for committing a terrible sin, you never see them berating obese people for indulging in gluttony do you? Those that covet their neighbours junk get off without much chiding too.

Could it be that the Christians of the world have a penchant for hypocrisy?

Anyway, we shouldn’t take this too seriously because Miley has the words “Just Breathe” on the left side of her chest, possibly as an instruction for staying alive, which is sensible advice for the incredibly dimwitted.

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Justin Bieber may be so small that his collective flesh barely covers a recently unified egg and sperm, but that isn’t stopping him from plastering his skin with ropey tattoos. The kid has barely formed bones stiff enough to stand in a playpen with, yet he’s determined to look like the jigsaw man from The X Files.

Yes, we understand that 100% of Beliebers won’t understand a cultural reference from a vastly overrated, but popular ’90s sci-fi drama.

Where were we? Oh yes. Bieber has added to his already paltry collection of tattoos… and it is another one that he’s copied from his dad. What a loser.

Of course, the news was filled with Bieber’s second tattoo – a Swastika on the inside of his bottom lip… wait… no… that’s not it… he got Jesus’ name in Hebrew on his tit or something. Now, he’s got another.

While on his jollies in Hawaii with Selena Gomez (presumably still getting death threats from simpletons with Hello Kitty binders with the eyes scratched out), he showed off his latest inkery.

For some inexcusable reason, he’s got the large black outline of a star,  identical to one his father Jeremy has, on his elbow.

This is the second tattoo he’s copied from his dad. The first? Unbelievably, it’s a tattoo of a seagull which he got for his 16th birthday.

His uncle has the same one.

Honestly. What a douche. What a complete lack of spirited rebellion. Next, he’ll be kissing his mother with tongues or something.

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Sometimes hecklerspray likes to sit back and imagine up a perfect girl for us. She’s got boneless noodle arms & the body of a female Ghengis Khan. We haven’t found her yet, but we’re patient.

And lonely.

Jesse James definitely has a type too – and until recently we thought that type was ‘Adopted a very large African-American football player.’ But no, that’s not his type. His type is so covered in tattoos that you can only determine ethnicity by seeing a picture of her parents. Lucky for him, then, that Kat von D is back on the market.

When love’s truest arrow strikes, one can nought but heed it’s call. That’s why for most of tenth grade we dated a rhesus monkey. We fell in love at a carnival during a ring toss – and let the world be damned! Our parents didn’t understand – but they didn’t have to. All they needed to know was that bananas were cheaper in bulk, and hecklerspray was more flea-free than we had ever been.

True love has done a drive by on Jesse James more times than we can count. In fact, perhaps it’s fair to say he’s smitten by it every time he sees a really gross Nazi whore.

Really, that’s probably not fair to say. But we can say the man has a new lady friend – a famous one. Not Sandra Bullock famous, mind you, but famous none the less. It’s a tattooed lady named Kat von D, but the tats have got nothing to do with it. According to von D:

“Just because I have tattoos doesn’t mean, ‘Oh, you guys are a perfect match. I think that I’m his type on a different level than people would assume.”

We know we said she was famous up there, but we’re still not sure why. We think she may be the voice of Grover or something. Or she’s on some reality show that relays how perfectly normal, mentally healthy human beings can cover themselves in tattoos and it’s got nothing to do with Daddy’s unrequited love.

Now in getting back to our sweet, sweet noodle-armed lady, if any of you know one, pass it on won’t you. And fast too – we need half-noodle-armed babies for a weird tax loop hole.

If we get one before the end of 2011 we’ll save dozens of dollars.

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When hecklerspray was just 42 years old the song Electric Youth descended upon us from a gas station sound-system.

It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see,  about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.

But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.

Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.

Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.

Miley Cyrus is totally into older men, which is nice because older men are totally into her too. It’s convenient when things work out like that. The older guy we’re talking about this time isn’t her underpants-loving boyfriend – its Stephen Baldwin. The only evidence we have of this is in the form of a Hannah Montana tattoo the actor recently got because Cyrus herself apparently dared him to.

Now, to make the dare-pact complete, Miley’s gotta get baptised by a hardcore southern baptist, possibly dance with poisonous snakes, and talk way too much about how good Stevie was in The Usual Suspects.

Again, our evidence for all this is pretty weak. Here is every piece of info the Huffington Post has on the slightly-obsessed tattoo thing:

“Stephen Baldwin has branded himself with Hannah Montana’s initials, all because Miley Cyrus dared him to…the 15-year-old dared Baldwin to get Hannah Montana’s initials [tattooed] and in return she would let him appear on her Disney TV show since his daughters are huge fans of the series.”

The whole tatt-thing might sound stupid to some, but remember this – it’s for love. Miley Cyrus may be young, but In some North American countries 15 is the age of consent, and should the two decide to move there they could live out her 15-year-old legally adult life together. This is convenient for both of them because as we hear it her body is already ripe with women-fruit. Its literally swimming with babies that are just aching to get out right now.

We can’t divulge our source on this babies-part yet because he’s fictional and we haven’t made up a name for him yet. Claude sounds good though. Our source’s name is Claude, and he swears to us that Miley Cyrus currently has so many microscopic babies in her body that they keep bumping into each other.

Claude also tells us he once saw a bare-handed Madonna rip the beating heart out of a zoo-gorilla.

More on that story tomorrow.

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We’d always assumed that one of the basic edicts of life was that nobody really likes The Stereophonics very much.

Sure, people might listen to Stereophonics in their cars occasionally, but that doesn’t mean they’re fans of Stereophonics – just that they want to drown out the sound of the crying kidnapped baby they’ve locked in their boot and it’s the only thing they could find.

However, we could have been wrong. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics so much that he’s had one of their album titles tattooed down his arm. That album, by the way, is Just Enough Education To Perform rather than… oh, let’s not pretend we can remember what any Stereophonics albums are called, shall we?

Tattoos are such a minefield, aren’t they? Get one on your lower back and everyone will think you’re a slut. Ask for one that says ‘peace’ in Indian and you run the risk of having the Indian word for ‘wanker’ tattooed on you by an artist who knows you’ll never find out. Get one of Girls Aloud and, well, you are a wanker.

But Wayne Rooney knows this. Not only is Wayne Rooney old and wise enough to make his own decisions – although the bulk of those decisions admittedly do revolve around having sex with really old hookers – but his new wife is also a columnist in a downmarket women’s magazine, so she’s probably been on a training course about ill-advised tattoos as well or something.

No, when it comes to tattoos Wayne Rooney if effortlessly well-informed and… what? Wayne Rooney’s done what? Of The Stereophonics? Oh dear christ, that sounds awful. The Telegraph reports:

The Manchester United and England star has had “Just Enough Education To Perform” etched on his right forearm. The line is the title of an album by his favourite band, The Stereophonics. The football star is such a fan of The Stereophonics that McLoughlin arranged for them to give a surprise performance during the couple’s week-long wedding celebrations in Italy last month.

Ah, do you see? The tattoo has multiple meanings. ‘Just Enough Education To Perform’ refers to Wayne Rooney’s own life – he left school without any GCSEs – plus it’s also a way of saying that Wayne Rooney really really likes Stereophonics and therefore wouldn’t know what decent music sounds like if it punched him in his big stupid face.

But still, Wayne Rooney’s the one who has to spend the rest of his life looking at the tattoo, not us, so as long as he’s happy with it there shouldn’t be a problem.

Although we do think it would have been more sensible if Wayne had got a tattoo with a functional message that helped his memory instead – something like ‘Don’t Eat Crayons’ or ‘Old Ladies Aren’t Sexually Attractive’.