So they’re hitting Suge Knight instead. Or at least that’s what it looks like. Because, you see, less than a fortnight after Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna, Suge Knight has been hospitalised after receiving facial injuries in a fight as well. Coincidence? Hardly.

Something that most people have been expecting for years on account of Suge Knight constantly coming across like the world’s most monumentally awful bellend? Actually, that’s probably a little bit closer to the truth, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you’re about to witness is a kind of perfect storm of inappropriately violent celebrity tosswhumps. Settle yourselves.

The long and the short of it is that Suge Knight – the man who was recently arrested after being spotted allegedly punching a woman in the head and then pulling a knife on her – has been hospitalised after being beaten up early on Monday morning. But get this – one of the men who apparently beat Suge Knight up identifies himself as Akon’s business manager.

That’d be the same Akon who not so long ago flung a boy at a woman’s head on purpose. Brilliant, isn’t it? Honestly, this whole story just needs Chris Brown doing army rolls with a tie around his head and the ghost of Ike Turner firing a longbow into the sky while riding Battlecat over the top of a burning car and it’d be the most perfect celebrity-related inappropriate violence story ever realised.

But even without them it’s still pretty brilliant. MTV reports:

According the report, Scottsdale police were called to the hotel at around 3:30 a.m., after two groups reportedly exchanged heated words at a private party on the hotel’s second floor. Officers saw Knight punched in the face twice by 38-year-old Robert Carnes Jr., who later told authorities he works for Akon. Knight was being treated for face injuries at the Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn.

Not that we condone violence or anything, but we’re slightly amazed by this. Not because Akon’s business manager seems to be as much of a knuckleheaded dolt as his client, but because Suge Knight actually had to go to hospital after the attack.

Because, you know, have you seen Suge Knight? The man’s massive. He’s so gigantic that whenever he wanted to go to hospital in the past he actually had to shoot himself in the leg to make a convincing enough injury.

Still, though, Suge Knight’s predicament just goes to show that if Rihanna wants to protect herself against being the victim of any more domestic violence, getting vastly fat and growing a ridiculous Uncle Albert beard isn’t going to help as much as she probably thought it would. But she should definitely still do it, though. Definitely.

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Not completely – the day that photos of Suge Knight rolling around in his knickers are leaked to the internet is the day we cut out our eyes and, to our knowledge, Miley Cyrus has never driven around in a car allegedly punching a woman in the head – but in terms of ubiquity, the comparison just about holds up. Just about.

In fact, it’s this whole ‘allegedly punching women in the head while driving a car’ thing that’s brought Suge Knight to our attention again this time. Because now Suge Knight has been charged for the last time he supposedly beat up a women in a car. And since this time the charges also include a spot of beating up a woman in a car park with a knife in his hand, Suge Knight faces eight and a half years in jail. Oh well.

You know what makes our blood boil? People who walk around with small amounts of two different types of drugs in their pockets. Any bastard who does that should be immediately sent to jail for the best part of a decade. And as for people who think they can violently beat up women in broad daylight in a car park with a knife in their hand, well, that’s probably about 16 times less important than the drugs thing.

That’s not just our opinion, by the way – that’s the opinion of the American justice system as well. For instance, a few months ago increasingly desperate-looking rap mogul Suge Knight got arrested after he was apparently spotted driving through Las Vegas while punching a woman repeatedly in the head. When the woman escaped from the car, Suge Knight then continued beating her up while holding a knife.

And now Suge Knight has been charged. Mostly because it’s claimed he had small quantities of ecstasy and hydrocodone on him while he was allegedly thumping the life out of this woman. That part was cool because, you know, she probably deserved it. BBC News reports:

[Suge Knight] has been charged with two counts of drug possession and one of misdemeanour battery, according to papers filed in Las Vegas Justice Court. When arrested in August, police said Knight, 43, was found “violently beating” Melissa Isaac in a Las Vegas parking lot while holding a knife. If convicted, Knight could face up to four years in jail for each of the drugs charges, as well as six months for the assault charge.

So, in total, that’s an eight and a half year jail sentence he’s looking at. In retrospect, Suge Knight must be wishing that he’d punched four women in the head at knifepoint until they were hospitalised with no drugs in his pockets, because that way he’d have reduced his potential sentence by more than 75%. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it.

However, lawyers for Suge Knight have claimed that Knight is not guilty of any of the charges, and they plan to fight them when the case goes to court next month. Personally we’re hoping that Suge Knight gets off without charge, because it’s going to be awfully hard for him to sue Kanye West from behind bars. Because in many ways, a prison sentence is nothing compared to the suffering that Suge Knight went through when he lost that earring at Kanye West’s party.

OK, not in many ways. In one way.

OK, not even in one way.

Because, seriously, if Suge Knight ever comes round your house and suddenly loses one of his earrings, you’re very possibly going to get sued. Of course, it’ll help if the loss of the earring is directly preceded by an armed stranger bursting into your house and shooting Suge Knight in the leg, but mainly it’s about the earring thing.

So you wouldn’t want to be Kanye West, because he’s the man who Suge Knight is suing for the earring loss and the shooting. And Suge Knight means business, too – once he’s done suing Kanye West he’s going to punch Busta Rhymes in the face for losing one of his anklets and then twist one of Diddy’s nipples as hard as he can until Diddy promises give back his missing cockring.

There was a time when Suge Knight ruled the world of hip-hop. Not any more, though – thanks to a variety of prison sentences and dubious business moves, Suge Knight has fallen in status to the point where he’s more or less just the fat man who looks funny when he runs for the bus.

That’s not to say that Suge is going to slip away into peaceful anonymity just yet, though – whenever his profile dips beyond a certain point he’ll bound back into the limelight by losing his record label or allegedly driving around in his car with his pockets stuffed with Ecstasy, alternately punching his girlfriend in the head and threatening her with a knife. Which, ironically, is similar to how Jesus plans to make his comeback, too.

And now Suge Knight has decided to make sure that everyone remembers him by suing Kanye West because, at a party hosted by Kanye West three years ago, Suge Knight got shot in the leg and lost one of his earrings. It’s a smart move, because it means that everyone will remember him – specifically what a lumbering, money-chasing slapheaded Uncle Albert berk he’s always been. The LA Times reports:

According to the lawsuit, Knight claims needed recompense from West for medical bills, transport and “damages for the loss of use and enjoyment” of a 15-carat diamond stud earring as a result of the attack. (The lawsuit also claims that the aforementioned earring is valued at $135,000.)

Read that again. $135,000 for an earring. That’s absurd. Think of all the other things that Suge Knight could have done with that money, like reinforcing all of his chairs with concrete or buying enough snacks to last him for about 45 minutes. And he spent it on an earring. No wonder people want to shoot him.

Kanye West has yet to comment on the lawsuit – possibly because he’s still stunned that he’s being sued because a man lost his earring in a shooting that took place in a room he happened to be hiring three years ago – but we’re sure he’s not phased by this. After all, Kanye West is a successful man, so he must be used to getting sued like this.

It’s just a shame that this has gone directly to litigation, because we’d rather have seen Suge Knight and Kanye West settle this like real men – in a boxing ring. True, Suge Knight might be roughly the size and weight of a bear, but there’s no competing against the fierce combat skills that Kanye West has. It’d be a bloodbath.

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Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman’s his girlfriend. Allegedly.

Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we’ve always said, there ain’t no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.

You have to feel for Suge Knight a little bit, don’t you? Once feared by all who met him, his life has recently turned into a bit of a farce.

Where he was once the man who apocryphally held Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building and forced one of Diddy’s associates to drink a cup of urine, now he’s the fat bankrupt bloke who shot himself in the leg that time. Hardly compares, does it?

Still, that’s not to say that Suge Knight has lost his ability to physically intimidate others. He allegedly did a pretty good job of physically intimidating his girlfriend recently, for example. And when we say ‘physically intimidate’ we obviously mean ‘driving in a car punching her in the head until she escaped and then threatening her with a knife.

Because that’s what Suge Knight has been arrested for in Las Vegas. Or, as E! Online puts it:

The 43-year-old Knight had allegedly been punching his girlfriend of three years in the head while he was driving, per the incident report. The woman… grabbed the steering wheel in an attempt to escape, and the vehicle ran up against the curb, coming to a stop. She then managed to flee the car on foot with the burly Knight in pursuit. Just as he caught up to her and brandished a knife at her, officers arrived.

What’s more, a police search uncovered a stash of Ecstasy in Suge’s possession as well. It hasn’t been reported whether Suge Knight was under the influence of Ecstasy at the time, but it’d explain a lot if he was. After all, the drug Ecstasy is renowned for its violence-inducing properties, as explained in the 1988 techno hit I’ll Pull A Knife On You, You Bitch by Altern-8.

But anyway, at least this arrest might end up carving out a new career avenue for Suge Knight. Provided, of course, that VH-1 got our pitch for the reality TV show Celebrity Wifebeaters starring Suge, Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman, and featuring special guest star Bill Murray as the inexplicably violent next door neighbour Punchy McSexualaddiction.

Look, shut up – it couldn’t be as bad as Flavor Of Love, OK?