Suge Knight isn’t a man to mess around with. Everything about him is intimidating. His size. His reputation.
The look in his eyes. The fact that he’s modelled his facial hair on Uncle Albert from Only Fools And Horses just so that he can beat you up if you laugh at it. Yep, Suge Knight is fearsome. And stupid. Because if he wasn’t fearsome and stupid, then Suge Knight wouldn’t have been arrested for allegedly pointing a gun at an unidentified man yesterday, in public and in front of witnesses, before driving away on his suspended license.
But why did it even happen? Was there a vendetta against the victim? Did he do it to keep his end up because the police hadn’t noticed him for a couple of weeks? Or was it just because Suge Knight is a big fat idiot? That’s really not for us to say.
If you’re bald, chronically obese, have a shit beard despite suffering from said baldness and enjoy indulging in the occasional criminal activity, then you must really hate Suge Knight. No matter what you do, you’ll never be better than him. You’ll never be fatter than him, or balder than him, and your beard will never look as shit as his, plus you’ll never be quite as criminally prolific as him.
Want proof? Does legend state that you routinely dangled your rivals out of windows by their ankles? Have you ever been to jail twice, once fpr punching a parking attendant? Have you ever driven around while repeatedly punching a woman in the head before stopping, getting out and chasing her on foot with a knife in your hand? Have you ever possibly shot yourself in the leg at a party? No? Then you’re not even close to Suge Knight. Not even in the crap beard department. Especially not in the crap beard department.
And Suge Knight continues to streak past you, on the basis that you’ve never been arrested for pointing a gun at a man in public. Unless you have. In which case, hey, have our wallet. MTV reports:
Marion “Suge” Knight was arrested early Thursday morning (May 20) and charged with assault with a deadly weapon after allegedly drawing his gun on an unidentified man. Knight was taken into custody after witnesses called authorities to report the incident. An LAPD spokesperson confirmed the arrest to MTV News and said the hip-hop mogul’s bail was set at $65,000.
OK, that’s a fair amount. Remember that Lindsay Lohan‘s bail was set at $100,000 because she missed a court appointment yesterday? That makes sense – scientists have determined that not showing up to court because you took some drugs once three years ago is approximately 30% more serious than actually pulling a real gun on a man in the street. So in that respect, $65,000 is an eminently sensible sum.
Apparently, if Suge Knight is still on parole for any of his other crimes, this incident could be enough to put him back behind bars. Fingers crossed that isn’t the case, because we don’t know what we’d do without our annual ‘What’s Suge Knight Done Now, The Fat Turd?’ stories.
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yes you says
BORING!!
Bobby says
Oooh! More Suge Knight articles! These have Chris Brown potential!