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Sorry

Annie Leibovitz Says Sorry About Miley Cyrus, Sort Of

by Stuart Heritage

There’s an angry mob forming over those ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus pictures in Vanity Fair – but the question is, whose house shall we burn down first?

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her – so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word – instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

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X17 Semi-Sorry For Almost Killing Eva Longoria’s Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when Eva Longoria’s husband Tony Parker was caught shagging that model he met at his wedding?

Well unremember it. It didn’t happen. Yes, we know that X17 – the website that broke the story – published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it’s caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it’s an apology – we’re still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

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Nicolas Cage Officially Won’t Kidnap Your Dog

by Stuart Heritage

Of all celebrity feuds, none have been odder than the one between Kathleen Turner and Nicholas Cage about whether or not he stole someone’s chihuahua once.

It was a serious feud, too – after Kathleen Turner accused Nicolas Cage of stealing chihuahuas and drunken driving in her autobiography, Cage took her to the High Court for it.

But now it’s all come juddering to an end, with Kathleen Turner making a public apology for the claims. Thanks heavens – now we can all stop thinking of Nicolas Cage as the man who stole a chihuahua and go back to thinking of him as the man who runs up hills dressed as a bear and punches girls square in the face. It’s his comfort zone, if you will.

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Jay Leno Sorry For Being An Unfunny Tool

by Stuart Heritage

Jay Leno’s crushing inability to make people laugh has long been well-known but, heavens, he’s surpassed himself this time.

A few nights ago, while interviewing Ryan Phillippe on his show, Jay Leno ditched the usual question/answer format to basically goad Ryan into pulling his ‘gayest face’ until he threatened to walk offstage.

And now Jay Leno has apologised. He’s now come to realise that mocking homosexuals in the 21st century is both outmoded and offensive and has promised that next time Ryan Phillipe comes on his show he’ll only restrict himself to try and make him jump up and down for food in a loincloth like the black people do.

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LA Times Sorry For Calling Diddy A Big Thuggy Git

by Stuart Heritage

As everyone knows, Diddy is responsible for all the bad things in the world, from squeaky floorboards to the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur to the invention of the jellyfish.

We know this because we read the Los Angees Times, and the Los Angeles Times definitely said that Diddy was definitely behind Tupac’s 1994 shooting.

Except that, um, he wasn’t. The Los Angeles Times has apologised after an investigation showed that the sources in its recent Diddy/ Tupac story were apparently fabricated. You may be off the hook this time, Diddy, but we’ve still got you on the jellyfish thing. Our lawyers will be in touch.

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Gary Busey: Sorry I Dribbled All Over Your Neck, Jennifer Garner

by Stuart Heritage

Quickly – who won at the Oscars this year? You can’t remember, can you.

It’s OK, nor can anyone. Because this year, the Oscars weren’t about stupid things like ‘films’ and ‘artistic excellence’ – they were about Gary Busey drooling all over Jennifer Garner’s neck until she looked like she was about to cry.

And now, about six weeks after everyone forgot that he even did it, Gary Busey has issued a statement apologising to Jennifer Garner for any distress he caused. Apparently he was aiming his spittle for her cleavage or something. He didn’t say that, exactly, but it’d just make sense.

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Lily Allen & Cheryl Cole: People, The War is Over

by Stuart Heritage

Historians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon’s wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.

And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole’s arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.

That’s right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there’d be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they’re not, then.

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Jane Fonda A Bit Sorry For Swearing Like A Docker On TV

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a day now since Jane Fonda blurted out the C-word on live morning television and, astonishingly, the sky hasn’t fallen yet.

But still, Jane Fonda is mortified that she said ‘cunt’ live on the Today show, and she’s done nothing but sincerely apologise with all her heart for corrupting a planet’s moral sensibilities ever since.

OK, that’s not strictly true. Jane Fonda hasn’t apologised at all for saying ‘cunt’ on TV. But she has got her rep to apologise. Well, sort of apologise – the jist of the apology is that everyone should should shut up because Jane Fonda didn’t invent the word ‘cunt’ – but, until someone builds some sort of cunt rehab for Jane Fonda to attend, that’s probably as good as we’ll get.

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Billy Ray Cyrus Sorry For Being A Seatbelty Tit

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve all seen those seatbelt adverts where a car crashes and the seatbeltless passenger gets turned into a mound of whimpering goo – but imagine if that mound of goo was Miley Cyrus.

You’d be distraught, wouldn’t you. Miley would have left this world leaving us with only two albums, a slightly annoying TV show and a 3D movie of a concert to remember her by. And that could have been the case after a scene from the Miley Cyrus movie clearly showed Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray Cyrus riding around in a car without a seatbelt on.

But now Billy Ray Cyrus has publicly apologised for their lack of caution. That’s not enough, though – we’ll only rest when Billy Ray Cyrus wears a seatbelt all the time, even when he’s walking around his house or going to the toilet. And if the belt could be wound around his mouth or neck, then that’s even better.

We've all seen those seatbelt adverts where a car crashes and the seatbeltless passenger gets turned into a mound of whimpering goo - but imagine if that mound of goo was Miley Cyrus. You'd be distraught, wouldn't you. Miley would have left this world leaving us with only two albums, a slightly annoying TV show and a 3D movie of a concert to remember her by. And that could have been the case after a scene from the Miley Cyrus movie clearly showed Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray Cyrus riding around in a car without a seatbelt on. But now Billy Ray Cyrus has publicly apologised for their lack of caution. That's not enough, though - we'll only rest when Billy Ray Cyrus wears a seatbelt all the time, even when he's walking around his house or going to the toilet. And if the belt could be wound around his mouth or neck, then that's even better.
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Robbie Williams Is Very Sorry For All His Bad Lies

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve known for some time that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest thing for Robbie Williams to say – because that would be “Cream cakes? No thanks, I’m full.”

And just to prove how quick to apologise he is, Robbie Williams has just said sorry to former Take That manager Nigel Martin Smith because he claimed in a song that Smith was a thief who stole funds from Take That’s earnings when actually he wasn’t. And it was one of the most heartfelt apologies we’ve ever heard, with a lawyer making a forced, court-ruled apology on behalf of Robbie Williams in his absence to a lawyer accepting the apology on behalf of Nigel Martin Smith in his absence in a courtroom. However, it’s not all good news – if Robbie Williams is back in the news, does that mean he’s famous again?

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