Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.

Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.

And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!

On the right-minded Fox Business Channel, anchor Eric Bolling showed a clip of the new Disney movie (yes, we’re worried too) and said outright that the whole storyline of the new Muppets film was a nauseating ploy to make our children hate things.

CONSPIRACY!

The whole thing is a vehicle to plant the seeds of class warfare among our precious wickle children! CLASS WARFARE! Why has no-one noticed before?

In their latest piece of propaganda, the Muppets showcase a nasty villain called Tex Richman. He’s an oil baron. As we all know, oil barons are nice people who just want to make an honest living.

Bolling asked:

“What’s actually going on there? Is liberal Hollywood using class warfare to brainwash our kids?”

Brave Bolling was echoed by guest Dan Gainor, who, like a champ, spat:

“They’ve been doing it for decades. Hollywood — they hate the oil industry, they hate corporate America.”

No wonder Occupy Wall Street and the like is happening. They’ve all been taken on a merry dance down the liberal garden path by these fuzzy liberal gits.

And now, at last, someone is prepared to stand up to this menace. Look at Gonzo. How on Earth could anyone not take him seriously?

Hang on.

Those Muppets are pretty sweet, wholesome things aren’t they? They’re all cute and furry and funnier than a politician falling down a manhole. They’ll never get involved in any sex scandals or anything like that… not like stupid human celebs.

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?!

There’s a big ol’ link from The Muppets to soft core Italian porn! What’s going on? Are all our dreams about to be ruined? Are we actually going to start getting aroused by the new Muppets movie?! Let us explain…

Fret not! Your Muppets are safe with us.

No, this revolves around the famous Muppets tune, ‘Mahna Mahna’. Or, as it should be known, ‘Mah Nà Mah Nà‘. That’s because it’s an Italian song.

And yes, it made a debut in Umiliani’s soundtrack for Italian film Svezia, inferno e paradiso (or, if you want it in English, Sweden: Heaven and Hell). It’s a swinging sixties look about the wild sexual activity in Sweden. They’re all sex-mad in Sweden, right? Right.

The song accompanies a scene set in a sauna and was performed by a band called Marc 4 with the lead part sung by Italian singer/composer Alessandro Alessandroni.

So, can we assume that, when looking for something funny for The Muppets to sing, Jim Henson used his extensive knowledge of softcock porno to pluck Mah Nà Mah Nà from his brains?

God, we hope so.

Anyway, here’s a clip from Svezia, inferno e paradiso and the famous, famous song. And don’t worry, it is totally SAFE FOR WORK.

Enjoy!

Sesame Street. Not nearly as innocent as you think. Seriously. It should be called Sesmutty Street after they threw a load of sexy filth at the eyes of the world’s children, presumably getting big furry erections and laughing at our outrage.

The official line on all of this is that the Sesame Street YouTube channel got taken offline after hackers uploaded pornographic videos.

Big Bird, Elmo and Co. are ruthlessly blaming it on some hacker called ‘Mredxwx’. Mr Ed himself has come out and said it isn’t him, mainly because his hooves and computer keyboards don’t get on. However, we can exclusively reveal that Sesame Street is, and always has been, absolute filth.

You already know that Bert Is Evil, directly involved with the KKK and the JFK assassination. Now, the rest of the gang are peddling smut to the world and blaming it on a hacker/talking horse.

Those dastardly swine at the Children’s Television Workshop posted a message alongside the X Rated material saying:

“Who doesn’t like porn kids?”

While that is 100% correct (everyone likes bongo films), they shouldn’t be so flagrant about it, forcing it upon our children and completely disregarding the thrill of shame we all have when secretly watching knacky films. STOP SPOILING IT FOR US ALL SESAME STREET.

It is estimated that 140,000 subscribing children will have been subjected to sexy times by Cookie Monster and chums. Half a billion filthy clicks! Imagine.

And we’ve got our hands on a screengrab from the Sesame Street YouTube channel during the alleged hack.

The image clearly shows Bert – him again – indulging in bestiality with what appears to be a juvenile two-headed goat. Could the residents of Sesame Street be more offensive?

Ban this sick filth.

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Yes, yes… it’s all very well being cynical and cool all the time because it means that you never have to go out on a limb and say you like something that someone else may point out is entirely gash… but sometimes you really have to.

And surely even the most cold-hearted gitwurst couldn’t fail to be thawed by the antics of the characters on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show?

As such, there’s a new film out which looks really good that will make everyone on Earth cry tears of emotional joy all down their face. Ladies and Non-Ladies, let us point you in the direction of the trailer for the splendid looking Being Elmo.

Now, because we’re being nice, we totally understand if you think this is some kind of paid-for advertorial. It really isn’t.

We just really like Jim Henson.

And this new flick looks at the guy who plays Elmo and… aw shucks… we’re already welling up just remembering the trailer we just watched.

Drop the sarcasm and leave the sneering and hooting at the door.

This. Looks. Ace.

Being Elmo Trailer

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Remember Fraggle Rock? Do you? Oooooh! Yes! There was… uh… Wembley. Red. The one in the dressing gown. Um. Those little fellas who had scaffolding made from sugar or something. And then there was the giant lummox with the allotment. And… er… Marjory the Trash Heap.

Oh, and if you watched it in the UK, there was that weirdo who lived in a lighthouse with his jaded canine.

What memories. What fuzzy, vague memories often brought about by the singing of the theme tune, especially when the lyrics were made dirty, swinging a Fraggle by its cock. Salad days. Salad days which could well be utterly ruined by the inclusion of the Scissor Sisters. What now?

That’s right! There’s going to be a feature length film of The Fraggles, which saves us from yet another hokey Muppets flick where Kermit has to do all the emoting with that sad, pathetic face of his.

It’ll be interesting to see how The Fraggles translate to the big screen. We can only imagine that they’ll escape their cave to see the outside world and generally get into scrapes as well as puzzling at the duality of the human condition… or something. Uncle Travelling Matt will probably give them good restaurant tips wherever they end up.

But no-one will be able to save the Fraggles, and us, from a musical nightmare as it has been reported that Jake Shears from the Scissor Sisters is writing the music for the movie.

That’s the man who rhymed ‘fire’ with ‘fire’, before adding fire’s best musical friend, ‘desire’. Blecch.

Personally, we don’t know why the Fraggles didn’t write their own music. They don’t need the stupid Scissor Sisters. Jake Shears never wrote a song as good as the theme tune (or the brilliant Webba Webba, which you can search for yourself on YouTube).

Sigh.

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Katy Perry can’t dodge controversy at the moment can she? When she’s not watching her spindly husband half-heartedly attacking photographers, she’s trying to give Elmo from Sesame Street and erection.

Yes indeed, Perry has caused a bit of fuss after showing the top bit of her boobs on a children’s show, prompting most people in the world to wonder why the top half of someone’s breasts are more problematic than say, having Piers Morgan’s face on-screen at any given point or allowing children to walk around a world that willingly has Sarah Silverman in it.

Perry has responded to the whole incident by getting them out on Saturday Night Live, which somehow, has got her a cameo spot on The Simpsons (that’s when you know you’ve made it).

After showing too much rack to Elmo (who promptly ran away in disgust – you can see it here), Perry is now gearing up to add to her comedic CV with a hugely coveted guest spot with Homer Simpson et al.

This is in addition to her spot on SNL, which saw Perry jiggling her waps whilst wearing an Elmo t-shirt (see video below).

According to Entertainment Weekly, Perry will guest in a Simpsons Christmas special which will see the residents of Springfield joining her in live action as puppets.

That actually sounds like fun.

Perry will be playing herself and she’ll star as Moe’s girlfriend in an episode entitled “The Fight Before Christmas.”

Executive producer Al Jean says:

“In the wake of Elmo’s terrible betrayal, the Simpsons puppets wish to announce they stand felt-shoulder-to-shoulder with Katy Perry.”

Katy Perry seems to be making more and more inroads into acting at the moment, which is all good practise for when she voices the role of Smurfette in an upcoming Smurfs flick.

What do you make of all her acting gubbins? Should she stick to singing? Hate that as well? Can’t make your mind up? Want us to do that for you?

Idiots.

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While everyone fawns over Yo! Gabba Gabba! for mixing pop-culture with education, Sesame Street continues to do what it always did – mix pop culture and education. Basically, Sesame Street is one of the finest things that TV ever aired and only a stone-hearted, joyless mule-headed git would suggest otherwise.

REM, Smokey Robinson, LL Cool J, Destiny’s Child, Paul Simon, Stevie Wonder and Johnny Cash have all appeared on the street to sing and play.

The latest star to sign-up and perform was Katy Perry who has a boyfriend called Russell Brand who kinda kicked a photographer up the arse or something quite recently. However, Katy’s appearance may not make it on to television because it’s too sexy.

Now, there’s a lot of humans out there who admire Katy Perry. Of course, by that, we mean furiously masturbate over pictures of her. People like her singing too… but more often than not, they like looking at her boobs during the vinegar strokes.

Sadly for Perry, it seems her singing segment where she goofs off with Elmo – due to air on New Year’s Eve – may be deemed too hot for children’s television.

This doesn’t mean she’s going to appear singing ‘I Kissed A Girl’. Nope. She actually performs a cleaned-up version of her song Hot n Cold with Elmo.

Sadly, it’s her choice of clothes that have got her into bother and flustered parents have tapped away at their keyboards complaining about her boobies while simultaneously trying to mask their arousal.

One user wrote:

“You can practically see her tits. That is some wonderful children’s programming.”

Another message read:

“They’re gonna have to rename it cleavage avenue!”

Another added

“my kid wants milk now.”

As you can see, the minute you have a child, it not only robs you of all perspective, but also, makes you about as amusing as watching your dog get put down on your birthday.

Rumour has it that the producers have now decided not to air the song on the show. It’s okay though, you can watch it here. In fact, show it to your children. Heaven forfend that they should grow up thinking that the human body is something to be ashamed of and hidden.

Next week: Grover gets his dick out and writes the letter ‘R’ in piss on a wall.

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There’s not many things that can plaster a great big dribbling grin on your face, quite like the theme tune to Sesame Street can. Everything about the show is brilliant from top to bottom. That’s why anyone who is famous wants to appear on it. Johnny Cash, Stevie Wonder, John Candy, Tom Hanks and C3PO have all stepped foot on the famous street.

So who might be next?

Well, Sesame Street is not a show to disappoint as they’ve lined up some seriously famous faces along with some ace segments that’ll lampoon shows that are squarely aimed at adults who still tune in.

Appearing alongside Big Bird, Elmo, Grover and Cookie Monster in the new and 41st season, are a glittering array of stars and probably some people you’ve never heard of, but might recognise their faces.

Ryan Reynolds, Jennifer Garner, Usher, Katy Perry, Will.i.am, Colin Farrell, Terence Howard and Jude Law are all set to show their chops on Sesame Street. Jude Law will probably try and have sex with Snuffleupagus and Barkley at the same time.

Heat also report on details of some of the upcoming parodies have also been released with a True Mud (True Blood), Ironing Monster (Iron Man) and The A Team featuring Ryan Reynolds already planned.

Keep up the good work Children’s Television Workshop!

(This article was brought to you in association with the letters F, U and the number ‘Piss Off’.)

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Have you heard? Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary.

Just think about that. Four decades of Sesame Street falsely teaching children that the last letter of the alphabet is ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’. Four decades of Sesame Street teaching children to laugh in an unconvincing east European accent whenever they count to five. Four decades of Sesame Street showing slightly underwhelming short-form documentaries about bottle factories.

And four decades of solid gold musical performances. For a kid’s TV show, Sesame Street has played host to some genuinely incredible musical acts in its time, and here’s a list of our favourites. Do let us know if we’ve missed any out…

10 – Tony Bennett, Little Things

Where Tony Bennett tells a child that she shouldn’t hurry to grow up because he believes in little things “like colours in the sky”. Which we believe is a polite way of telling her that when you get old your teeth fall out and sometimes you accidentally wet yourself. Charming, nonetheless.

9 – Feist, 1,2,3,4

A spectacular puppet-heavy recreation of Feist’s famous 1,2,3,4 video. So preposterously delightful that you can even forgive Sesame Street for teaching children to find value in bland coffee shop music.

8 – Norah Jones, Don’t Know Y

A true multi-tasker of a performance. Not only does Norah Jones teach children about the letter Y and sing her best-known song, but it is also more likely to put children to sleep faster than any other song ever performed on Sesame Street by anyone.

7 – REM, Furry Happy Monsters

Who knew – re-recording old songs with new lyrics and singing them next to a bunch of dangerously bipolar puppets actually improves them. You learn something new every day.

6 – James Blunt, My Triangle

Yes, look, it’s James Blunt. And everyone knows how much of a knobshine James Blunt is. But, admit it, at one point during this song you thought “Hey, maybe James Blunt isn’t so bad after all.” Didn’t you? It’s OK. It’s our secret.

5 – Billy Joel, Just The Way You Are

Of all the lessons that Sesame Street ever taught us, this one has stayed with us the longest – that whenever Billy Joel sings, it’s OK to shout abuse at him and to repeatedly tell his deaf friend to go away. Remember that, kids. One day it might come in handy.

4 – Destiny’s Child, A New Way To Walk

Not so much for the song itself, or the tortured way that the song is introduced, but for the moment two and a half minutes in when Grover comes perilously close to having his eye taken out by Beyonce‘s wayward crotch.

3 – Johnny Cash, Nasty Dan

This is just immense – it’s a battle of wits between mean old Johnny Cash and mean old Oscar The Grouch. Who comes out on top? No contest – the sneer that Cash gives Oscar after Oscar tells him that Nasty Pearl sounds OK could freeze blood. Terrifying.

2 – Paul Simon, Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard

Not that the little girl next to him seems to think it’s called Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard, though – in her head it’s clearly called Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Alright Dance Dance Dance EVERYBODY DANCE EVERYBODY DANCE OH YOU CAN DANCE WITH ME YOU CAN DANCE WITH ME Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance. Almost illegally heartwarming.

1 – Stevie Wonder, Superstition

Now this is just in a different league. Stevie Wonder, before he got fat and rubbish, singing a glorious six-minute song about the dangers of organised religion to a group of impressionable children, some of whom have more of the funk than we will ever fully begin to comprehend. Not just the greatest musical performance on Sesame Street, but maybe one of the best videos of all time. Perfect.

BONUS VIDEO: Stevie Wonder again

He doesn’t just sing his own songs, you know. Stevie Wonder also makes up throwaway songs about Sesame Street. And they rule, too. Amazing.

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“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?” barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street.

More then likely because it’s not real.

But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham.

Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.

The new football season is yet to kick off, meaning it must be the kind of time when all professionals in the game are looking for something to do – if it isn’t polishing up on their roasting skills, then its whoring yourself out for bread-based rewards.

So what are the UK’s finest footballing export and pointless wife thinking of doing to dominate every media opportunity available? Clashing our heads together, we’ve come to realise that the only realistic TV appearances Becks could make would be for his personal mental development – a journey of educational discover in one of America’s fine learning institutions. But which one?

Let’s face it; do you really think that he could turn up to some fancy looking high school like in One Tree Hill without looking out of place? No. In fact, the only place he could squeeze in and almost look like he fit in would be at Bayside High with AC Slater and the gang, as David donned Lycra to try out for the homoerotic wrestling team. Though that’s not really an option now, with most of the Saved By The Bell cast (read: Screech) off doing porn and things.

No, the typical American school (off of TV) is no place for thirty three-year-old bloke with such a hectic lifestyle. As we all know, he’s too busy when he isn’t playing football, looking after his wife and pretending to care about her latest trauma when she doesn’t get the latest pair of six inch Jimmy Choo heels in custard yellow.

So what is the best alternative place of learning for an American? If you haven’t realised already, it’s Sesame Street. The show has been running for thirty nine series and is still going strong – though sadly for the UK, we never recieved the full benefit of the program like our American counterparts, with the show ceasing to be aired in favour of The Hoobs. Strangely though, despite their extra years of education, our friends across the pond still sometimes come across as a bit slow.

Show bosses have picked up on David Beckham‘s fascination with Sesame Street, and though there is the distinct possibility that his young children know better than daddy does that Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Elmo aren’t actually real, we aren’t about to ruin the illusion. After all, we don’t want tears before the bedtime milk and cookies are served. A source told Closer magazine:

“David has always been a huge fan. When he was a kid he watched it and knew all the characters.”

See! He knows all the characters! All of the people who said that a bag of spanners were more intelligent than David Beckham can just leave the building now.

So what’s he actually going to be doing? Because the show is educational and all that, there isn’t going to be a special football-based version of the programme with David demonstrating his flicks, kicks and other fancy tricks. Closer again informs us that he’ll:

“Teach Elmo how to spell his favourite word. And you never guess what it is! Not posh, foot or ball – it’s persistent.”

Persistent? We thought that ‘ball’ or ‘goal’ would be obvious, but persistent? Could that be used in a sentence commonly uttered by Becks? “My wife is persistent in grabbing limelight for herself” or “My wife is persistent in her quest to not just be written off as a footnote in the history of celebrity.”

Besides, we thought Elmo’s favourite word would be hamburger. You learn something every day it seems.

If you’re honest, Sesame Street was probably your primary educator as a child, which is why you said ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’ until you were 15, you giant halfwit.

But these days it looks as if Sesame Street‘s standards have slipped a little. Previous Sesame Street guests have included Maya Angelou, Buzz Aldrin, Lou Rawls, BB King and one of Cheech And Chong. But who’s the latest celebrity name to hit Sesame Street? Noted intellectual David Beckham, that’s who.

However, as weird as it may seem for David Beckham to appear on Sesame Street, we’re sure that mixing Beckham together with toddlers and gonkish puppets will only yield positive results. Who knows, David Beckham might even learn how to count up to six if he concentrates hard enough.

David Beckham must be a bit of a loose end over in America, which isn’t surprising given that his move there was a bit of a horrible failure. Although David Beckham’s move to LA Galaxy was greeted with the kind of fanfares and creepy waxwork representations that Americans do so well, it’s all fallen on its arse a bit since then.

Plagued by injury, David Beckham’s US move meant that he didn’t single-handedly make Americans like football or even help his team do very well in its league like he was supposed to, plus Victoria Beckham’s dreams of becoming an American TV star have died a soggy death. Worse still, the Beckhams made friends with Tom Cruise, which means they probably now spend over eight hours a day just idly thinking about Tom Cruise’s incredible arse.

However, things aren’t all bad for David Beckham because a) he earns more money in a second than every generation of your family past and future put together will ever earn, and b) he’s filmed an appearance on Sesame Street. The Sun reports:

A source said: “David has always been a huge fan of the show. When he was a kid he watched it, like a lot of people, and knew all the characters. He was more than happy to go on. He loves dealing with kids and thought it would be a great way to get through to them. He has developed a great understanding speaking to children with his own boys and through his coaching at the Beckham soccer schools. He had a great time filming it, a real laugh.”

David Beckham chose to talk about the word ‘persistance’, by the way, because it’s the word that means the most to him, and also because ‘systematically avoiding any mention of Rebecca Loos in public’ isn’t really a word.

Anyway, a Sesame Street appearance can really change the public’s perception of a celebrity – from Robert DeNiro puncturing his self-importance by barking like a dog to James Blunt showing he’s capable of self-deprecation by singing a song called My Triangle to Stevie Wonder making the best piece of television ever.

So we’re sure that David Beckham’s Sesame Street appearance went perfectly and will do wonders for his image. Plus David’s probably a natural around muppets – he’s been married to one for the last nine years, after all.

Thank you, we’re here all week. Try the veal.

Read more:

Becks And The Cute Redhead – The Sun