Paul Haggis isn’t just the bald film director responsible for writing the worst James Bond film ever, you know.

He’s also a Scientologist. Or at least he was a Scientologist. Paul Haggis has just decided to leave Scientology, and he’s decided to do it by basically writing a letter to Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis saying that Scientology is stupid and it doesn’t like gay people and it’s awful and that all Scientologists have stinky bums, or something.

So there goes any hope of Paul Haggis working with John Travolta or that terrible woman from King Of Queens in the future. He’ll probably survive.

We wouldn’t like to be in Tom Cruise’s shoes this morning. That’s mainly because Tom Cruise probably has tiny impish feet and wearing such ridiculously small shoes would no doubt result in us developing an outbreak of bunions, but it’s also because Paul Haggis has just left Scientology – which means that everyone’s going to talk about Tom Cruise and his crazy made-up religion again.

You might not know who Paul Haggis is, but there’s a very good chance that at some point you’ve rolled your eyes during one of his films and muttered “Christ, this is all a bit bloody heavy, isn’t it?” to yourself. Paul is the writer of Crash, Million Dollar Baby, Letters From Iwo Jima, In the Valley of Elah and Quantum Of Solace – which should warn you that, if Paul Haggis has a point to make, then he’s going to repeatedly bludgeon you over the head with it for two hours until you’re a weeping wreck begging for forgiveness.

And the point Paul Haggis is making now is roughly “Boo, stupid Scientology”. Despite being a member of the Church of Scientology for 35 years, Paul Haggis has decided to leave over the religion’s support of Proposition 8. And, like all people when they leave a position, Haggis decided to write a great big angry letter explaining why he was leaving and sent it to just about everyone on the planet. Here’s an excerpt:

“As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. Their public sponsorship of Proposition 8, a hate-filled legislation that succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California – rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state – shames us… The church’s refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.”

What’s more, Paul Haggis also claims that Scientology told his wife to break off all contact with her parents “because of something absolutely trivial they supposedly did twenty-five years ago when they resigned from the church”. But that’s not important. What’s important is that Paul Haggis has quit Scientology, and that means that the church will probably end up leaking his darkest secrets to the world before long.

Or maybe he has a worse fate in store. Maybe he’s going to be the subject of some of Kirstie Alley’s batty old barely-comprehensible Twitter entries. Then he’ll be done for.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Peaches and Cream Geldof is looking a likely suspect to be the latest in an unfathomably long line of celebrities who are becoming Scientologists.

The 20-year-old, um, well whatever it is she does, has been spotted hanging out, in the Hollywood Scientology Celebrity centre.

The delicious Peaches took two seconds from licking her own arm to look deep within her wallet and ponder the mysteries of the universe. (Though watching a 2000-and-late episode of South Park could achieve much the same thing.)

Ready your tin foil hats Geldof family. The ‘religion’ is as religious as your first bowel movement of the morning and it is known to spread through the air like some kind of virus. Just as Parasite Hilton made it her mission in life to spread crotch rot wherever she were to find any male with working genitalia, the Scis make it their mission to share their “truth” with all those they encounter. The Parasite seems to be having more luck with her mission in life. The numbers of new crotch rot infections are off the chiz-ain. However, there is still a heck of a lot of speculation about the ability of Scientology to recruit and keep its new members.

Ugh. Rather than rely on 80s-looking recruitment videos and promo art that has been described as “always looking like a Journey album cover”, they should make far more use of their celebrity followers.

Having noted that, it’s times like this the church suffers from not having access to more celebrities like Fish Lips Jolie and her army of Brangeloonies or Megan “hard nips/ too much decolletage on the red carpet” Fox. So long as you do not mind having the church stuffed like an impacted bowel after a curry, these are the new faces that should be scouted. The delicious TV star/ DJ/ socialite would presumably do little more than confuse US parishioners who would have no idea who the heck she was.

Being the face of celebrity fakery is enough to get you a life time extension on your 15 minutes of fame, but being a religion’s face of celebrity fakery has unknown powers that are yet to be exploited.

According to My Park Magazine:

The 20-year-old socialite – daughter of Boomtown Rats rocker Sir Bob Geldof – was seen leaving a Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood with documents about the bizarre sci-fi cult. According to the papers Peaches was holding, the centre “takes care of those who entertain, fashion and take care of the world”.

Eek. There are several blurry lines and assumptions here that one would need to iron out here, lest their head explode from the unbearable cognitive dissonance.

Firstly, when you are a celebrity, the holding of papers means that you have read them. Like, totally read and understood the whole thing. Whether it be some loo roll you scribbled on with lipstick or you are carrying the life’s work of Dostoevsky in your Hermes bag; being seen tarting something Sci about means that you are totally into the religion and about to sign that snazzy billion-year contract.

Secondly, this is a religion that is rumoured to rely heavily on bamboozling, brainwashing and mind-control techniques that derive from their leader, LRH’s, skill at hypnosis. All of these techniques presumably require a mind full of more than bonbons and carpet lint to work. The last time we cracked her head open and looked, that was all that was rattling around in there. Once Parasite and Fish lips get their doctorates and can officially start doing brain surgery, the “Church” may get a little more outta this chica.

This was a guest blog by brilliant Amy Grindhouse, who is, um, brilliant. Yes.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Bart Simpson has started actively promoting Scientology! Genius! If that’s not up there with Cape Feare and “If it isn’t my old friend Mr McGregg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg” then we’ll be buggered. Bart Simpson? Urging people by phone to attend Scientology events? LOL!!

Hang on, that isn’t Bart Simpson? That’s Nancy Cartwright using Bart Simpson’s voice as a geniune, real-life Scientology promotional tool? Why, that’s considerably less funny.

You know what winds us up more than anything? Cool Scientologists. Don’t people realise that Scientology is the religion for celebrity bellends and nobody else? That’s why Tom Cruise is a Scientologist. And Kirstie Alley. And that annoying rasping midget from The King Of Queens. Scientology suits them because they’re all bellends.

But Beck? Isaac Hayes? That bloke from My Name Is Earl (before My Name Is Earl got rubbish)? That’s not good – we sort of like some stuff that those men have intermittently done. But there is no Scientologist on the face of the Earth more disappointing than Bart Simpson.

OK, not Bart Simpson per se – Nancy Cartwright, the actress responsible for Bart Simpson’s voice is the Scientologist. Which is completely fine – if we were a 51-year-old woman who’d spent the last two decades pretending to be a little boy, we’d probably start believing in evil aliens who packed people into jumbo jets millions of years ago, dropped them into volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs as well – so long as she doesn’t, you know, drag Bart Simpson into any of this.

Because, frankly, Bart Simpson has been used to sell enough as it is. Having Bart Simpson T-shirts, air fresheners, bumper stickers, keyrings, dolls and underwear shoved down our throats is bad enough, but a Bart Simpson-endorsed cultish pseudo-religion based on the writings of a tenth-rate sci-fi novelist might just be a step too far.

Which is a shame, because Nancy Cartwright has gone and done it anyway. E! Online reports on the weird Scientology robocalls that Nancy Cartwright has been recording:

[Nancy] advertises her current auditing level—new OT VII—and invites recipients of the message to the church’s Flag World Tour event Jan. 31 in Hollywood, at which Cartwright is scheduled to speak… The message begins with her saying, “Yo, what’s happenin’ man, this is Bart Simpson. Haha. Just kidding, don’t hang up, this is Nancy Cartwright… It’s gonna be a blast, man,” she teases, sounding like Bart again.

Videos of this call were all over YouTube until recently, until Fox yanked them all off citing breach of copyright. So if posting a video of an unofficial Bart Simpson telephone message is breach of copyright, then it’ll be interesting to see how much Fox considers the act of recording an unofficial Bart Simpson telephone call to be breach of contract.

Because, really, Nancy Cartwright desperately promoting her silly little religion by using the voice of Bart Simpson doesn’t exactly strike us as being particularly ethical. In fact, we’d go further than that – you’d have to be a complete nimrod to sign up to Scientology on the basis of a crappy Bart Simpson telephone message.

Now, Ralph Wiggum – different story. We’d literally bum Xenu silly for a message from Ralph Wiggum.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

However, Katie Holmes must have also been fairly excited ahead of her debut in All My Sons – not only would it teach her critics once and for all that she was an actress to contend with, but it’d also give her plenty of chances to blink out ‘HELP ME HELP ME HE KEEPS ME LOCKED IN A CAGE HELP ME’ in Morse code to a room of understanding strangers every night.

But, of course, Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut was also exciting for the members of anti-Scientology group Anonymous, who decided to bring down Scientology once and for all by getting about 20 people to stand outside the theatre holding some signs in a sort of semi-apologetic way. Yeah, take that, Scientology.

It’s hard to think of Katie Holmes as an actress these days, much less the actress who was once in Dawson’s Creek. Maybe that’s because she’s single-handedly been the worst thing in the – already mostly pretty terrible – films that she’s starred in lately, or maybe it’s because she seems to have given up acting for a life of glumly trudging three paces behind Tom Cruise with a weird boy’s haircut and her boobs taped down.

But either way, Katie Holmes recently realised that she needed to reassert her acting credentials and – having formally submitted the appropriate forms in triplicate to Tom Cruise’s Fresh Air Allowance clerk beforehand – was granted the temporary right to leave her hermetic dungeon on a regular basis to go and act in an Arthur Miller play.

It seemed so perfect at the time – nothing shows the public that an actor is serious about their craft like starring in an Arthur Miller play, the superb cast could take the strain if Katie Holmes ended up blowing, and Katie would get a few hours away from Tom Cruise marching up and down in his little Nazi eyepatch every night.

However, Katie Holmes hadn’t accounted for one thing – the thousands and thousands of anti-Scientologist protesters who’d blight her every move. Anonymous had long threatened to protest outside the opening night of All My Sons last night and, boy oh boy, did they ever come out in force to pour scorn on the Scientologists.

No, really, did they? Hardly any protesters turned up, you see, and we’re not sure if that was enough to pour scorn on anything, really. Especially if they keep excusing themselves as feebly as E! Online reports that they did:

More than two dozen protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous joined the throng Thursday outside New York’s Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre. “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play, we are protesting Scientology,” a member of the group shouted. “It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

That’s it? A couple of people dressed up like Agent Smith in V For Vendetta comparing Scientology to Buffalo Bill from The Silence Of The Lambs? Why not go the whole hog and say that Scientology dances around to Goodbye Horses with its pecker tucked between its legs to make it look more like a lady? Huh? Huh, Anonymous? Why don’t you do that next time, yeah?

We’re just a little bitter because it seems like such a wasted opportunity for a protest. Diversify or die, that’s the way to go. Stand around with a couple of placards forever and you’ll end up like the bloke who stands outside the Houses Of Parliament with the display about the Iraq war that everyone pretends they can’t see. And what’s the point of that?

We just thought that the protest against Katie Holmes and Scientology was a bit artless. Why stand around outside shouting when you could gather everyone together, make them buy tickets for a performance of All My Sons and then silently sit in the theatre so that Katie Holmes has to perform to nothing but an unresponsive wall of V For Vendetta masks?

We’re just saying…

For the first time in what seems like an ice age, Katie has escaped the clutches of everybody’s favourite evil Nazi, Tom Cruise. Scampering away to New York City with daughter Suri in tow, Holmes was free to roam as she saw fit, without the watchful eye of the Cruiser looking over her shoulder.

The official story behind her visit to NYC is that Katie Holmes is about to star in the Broadway production of Arthur Miller’s All My Sons – but we know better. It’s an escape ploy from Katie – she’s clearly running back to the Creek: the one place she can feel truly safe from Maverick and his Scientology cronies.

Katie’s plan to flee from her Cruise-shaped captor had seen only two distinct steps: first she got the role in the aforementioned play, then she landed herself a cameo in some TV show that no one knows anything about.

By disguising herself to look like some kind of pixie-boy and finally escaping via helicopter to New York, Katie has enacted steps three and four of the epic plan of escape – sure to leave even someone with the keen magical senses of Tom Cruise (though he still can’t keep pizzas warm – the berk!) befuddled as to where she could have gone.

Though, to be fair, he will know where she is, as she’ll have set times to appear on stage. Hmm. Should have thought this through more carefully, Katie. And that’s not even taking into account the legions of Scientology spies that exist through the world – we all saw the Panorama documentary on it, we all know they exist.

But in what could well be the ultimate show of defiance in the face of her husband and his thetan chums, Katie decided against attending The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 39th Anniversary Gala – surely a massive slap in the face of the religion? And to make matters worse, what did she do instead of attending the annual shebang?

Katie Holmes took her daughter to see The Little Mermaid and Mary Poppins. That’s some textbook defiance right there.

Unfortunately it does look like Katie isn’t actually trying to escape any clutches – evil or otherwise – and is instead simply in another part of America to her husband. While we do like to both wildly speculate whilst at the same time encourage the poor girl to leg it as fast as she can, we can’t provide any actual facts backing up the claims that she is, in fact, doing a runner.

And, of course, you can prove anything with facts (copyright Stewart Lee).

We can, however, continue to encourage Katie Holmes to escape the clammy embrace of Tom Cruise and Scientology for her own good. Maybe then she’d get some life back into her eyes.

You know – those things on her face that look so, so dead.

See, you traipse the internet, you look through all of your sources, talk to people and even read things and yet – we still miss things sometimes. Big things. Things that were basically stories handcrafted for the hallowed pages of hecklerspray. Things that involve both Tom Cruise and Scientology.

Things that involve Tom Cruise, Scientology and the fact that both the person and the religion are being sued by an ex-follower.

How the hell did we miss this?

Well, it turns out that a $250 million lawsuit was filed on July 15 against the Church of Scientology, with the suit’s plaintiff Peter Letterese, an ex-member of the church, claiming everybody’s favourite Nazi, Tom Cruise, is second in command of the religion.

Letterese claims the church, including Cruise and David Miscavage – he who sits at the top of the Thetan pile in charge of Scientology – are akin to a “crime syndicate” and wants the organisation prosecuted under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organisation (RICO) law, claiming harassment by those in charge.

Like we said – this is handcrafted for use on hecklerspray. It doesn’t even need any kind of satirical/bitchy angle put into it, it just writes itself. An ex-member of the church is suing Scientology for $250 million dollars while claiming they have many similarities to the mafia, and has named Tom Cruise as one of the main parties involved. Sorry to repeat, but it just… wow. It doesn’t get much better than this.

We mean, it probably won’t go anywhere – one man against the combined might of however many devout believers in the actions of Xenu is never going to be a fair battle. But when you put Tom Cruise in the mix, then you’re just going to lose. Nevertheless, Letterese said Miscavage is:

“aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and (made) his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

To throw in some level of balance to the whole escapade, a spokesperson from the church, speaking to the New York Daily Post, stated:

“This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods.”

They both seem like solid claims, to be honest – who are we to believe? No idea. So instead, let’s wildly speculate.

If the Church of Scientology were to be dismantled under anti-racketeering laws then, well, it would be a great big pile of hilarity. But surely it would set a new precedent for how religions are treated in today’s world? If Scientology is, as it is claimed, a genuine religion rather than a pyramid scheme, then surely other religious bodies could be prosecuted under whatever laws might apply?

We could see Christianity being brought down for forcing its followers to pay ‘protection money’ in the form of so-called ‘collections’; or the Catholic Church being disintegrated following widespread claims of child abuse – not that that would ever happen, of course…

Islam dissolved after a shoe-stealing racket is uncovered in mosques around the country? Buddhism decimated on charges of mass loitering disguised as meditation? The possibilities are endless, frankly, and it would open a gigantic can of worms for the whole world to lovingly stare at.

But let’s face it – you fight Tom Cruise, you’re going to lose. Though he still can’t keep pizzas warm with magic.

And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer – Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently.

You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See?

Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.

Nicole Kidman isn't a bitter woman. Or at least we don't think that Nicole Kidman is a bitter woman – we haven't really been able to discern a single identifiable facial expression of hers other than 'mildly startled' since about 2004 – but if this new report is true then we might have to reverse our decision.

On Monday morning Nicole Kidman finally gave birth to her first biological baby, and we're absolutely certain that it was a moment of sheer, undiluted, life-changing joy for both her and Keith Urban. Nothing could have made the moment more perfect.

Well, except for Nicole Kidman deliberately giving the baby a name that would nark off Tom Cruise, anyway.

And that's what some are saying she did. Nicole Kidman's new baby is called Sunday Rose, which is obviously a direct insult to all Scientologists. Obviously. Don't believe us? MSNBC has spoken to a source who definitely exists and has obviously got all of the obvious facts:

“Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Yeah! Take that, evil Scientologists! If naming a baby after a day of the week that has equal importance to every other day for them doesn't finish the religion off for good, nothing will! This is bound to hit Scientology harder than anything since the time that Halle Berry named her baby Nahla Ariela, which is an anagram of Anal Ear Hail, which is – oh, we don't know – something that Xenu invented or whatever.

Of course, there's also a report claiming that Nicole Kidman decided to call her baby Sunday Rose because Keith Urban had written a song called Sunday about the baby, and that probably sounds a bit more true.

Note to any Keith Urban fans reading – that's a brand new song called Sunday as opposed to the existing Keith Urban song Raining On Sunday, which Keith wrote before he met Nicole Kidman and was just a lonely cowboy with a dream of having a baby, naming it Sunday and getting to piss all over it whenever he liked. We don't want any confusion.

Which is why he's decided to open a brand new private school to give the youth of today the best shot at a high quality education. Will Smith's New Village Academy is set to open in September. And it definitely isn't a Scientologist school, OK?

True, some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school might just happen to be Scientologists, but that hasn't got anything to do with anything. And, yes, the school's curriculum will be based on Scientologist instructional models developed by L Ron Hubbard himself, but that doesn't make it a Scientologist school either. However, the giant, golden rotating statue of Xenu in the playground could well make it look like a Scientologist school. Just joking!

The thing we like best about Will Smith is that he definitely isn't a Scientologist. Definitely not. It'd hurt his career to be a Scientologist, just like it hurt the career of Tom Cruise and, um, the mouthy woman out of King Of Queens, or something.

No, we like Will Smith, like we like our coffee – sceptical about notions that the human race was created because a giant alien dropped an atom bomb into volcano from a golden spaceship shaped like a jumbo jet.

You see, Will Smith definitely isn't a Scientologist. That time he defended Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology was just a display of loyalty to a friend of his who'd been bullied by the media. And that time he gave all the Hancock crew a free voucher for a Scientology personality audit was just a display of being too cheap to buy real them real gifts that they'd ever use. None of this is any suggestion that Will Smith is into Scientology.

And just because Will Smith has founded a private school where Scientologist teachers teach students a set of Scientologist values invented by Scientologist Jesus-figure L Ron Hubbard, it… wait, that does make him sound like kind of a Scientologist, doesn't it?

Of course it doesn't. We know this because Will Smith has indirectly said so himself. The Los Angeles Times reports:

[School head Jacqueline] Olivier responded to written questions about the school submitted through Will Smith's publicist. She said some staff members are Scientologists and others are Muslim, Christian or Jewish. The school has no religious affiliation, she said. "We are a secular school and just like all non-religious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," Olivier said.  

OK, so Jacqueline Oliver has a point. Just because some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school are Scientologists, it doesn't automatically make Will Smith a Scientologist as well. That'd be like saying that because a number of girls were systematically sexually abused at Oprah Winfrey's private school, Oprah Winfrey is a child abuser. We think. That comparison might not actually hold up to too much scrutiny, so let's move on.

And besides, so what if Will Smith's new school is just a paper-thin facade to churn out a production line of fresh-faced young Scientologists? It's not really any of our business if it is. Plus, let's not forget that every new Scientologist who graduates from Will Smith's school will be expertly qualified to help anyone who's trapped in the wreckage of a horrific car crash, even more so than paramedics. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't it?

That’s right, it’s Tom Cruise News! Was there ever any doubt?

Yes, it would seem we live in a world where it makes more than enough sense for a comment in Playboy magazine by a TV doctor to result in said doctor being likened to a Nazi, on behalf of the Cruiser’s legal representation. We at hecklerspray are confused and annoyed by this world, but we soldier on.

It all started a few days ago when it was revealed that television doctor Drew Pinsky had spoken of Cruise’s affiliation with Scientology, remarking to Playboy magazine (possibly when surrounded by naked breasts):

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt.”

Now, likening followers of Scientology to strange behaviour may seem like a perfectly sensible and reasonable summation, and even going so far as to bring a mental illness into things is sure to strike anyone as making perfect sense, especially when referring to how they think the thing they’re following is a bona-fide religion.

But not Tom Cruise, oh no – he seemed to take issue with this statement. Well, through his lawyer, Bert Fields, at least. Obviously unhappy with what he saw as a ridiculous overstatement that no one in their right mind could possibly come to, Fields issued this response:

“The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

We do feel the need to point out that Joseph Goebbels – though he may have done some evil things in his time on the planet – certainly did not liken following Scientology to mental illness. Most likely because Goebbels died seven years before the religion was invented, but there may be other mitigating circumstances too.

Now if hecklerspray were likened to a famous Nazi bastard, we would respond with fierce words and likely brutal force – we don’t stand for no jibba jabba round these parts. But it would seem the good (or evil, if you believe Cruise and co.) doctor is cut from a different cloth altogether, as he soon issued an apologetic statement, which read:

“Although Mr. Fields’s intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise, whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand.”

What exactly he was trying to do, by comparing followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) to persons of ill mental health, we may never know. But apparently Dr Drew wasn’t trying to insinuate that followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) were likely sufferers of mental illness. Obviously.

What Dr Drew should have done was liken Tom Cruise, the stoic follower of Scientology, to a Nazi. It would have made far more sense. Or Jesus.

Did you know that Tom Cruise was set to appear on Oprah? Did we mention that to you at all? Well, it’s happened – Tom Cruise’s long-anticipated rematch interview with Oprah Winfrey happened today and, boy oh boy, was it ever spectacular!

And if you’re one of those disgusting cynics who thought that this was just a deliberate attempt by Tom Cruise to publicly soften his controversial stance on Scientology and the use of psychiatric drugs in the softball presence of an old friend eager for viewers? Turns out you might have had a bit of a point.

Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey go way back – Tom’s first role in a movie was as Oprah’s facial wart in The Color Purple, and he’s been keen to repay her ever since by appearing on her show every time that he discovers a new pasta recipe or feels the urge to destroy his reputation with a display of unconvincing enthusiasm for Katie Holmes.

However, Tom Cruise’s last appearance on Oprah was three years ago, and since then his professional career has dipped into an embarrassing slump and the public generally views him as a creepy weirdo. Only one thing could pull him out of this funk – a return interview with Oprah Winfrey.

That’s what we got to see today. The first part of a special two-part Tom Cruise special was broadcast earlier, consisting of Oprah Winfrey going to Tom’s Colorado home, asking him some serious questions away from a live audience and then trying to feel his arse up on a snowmobile. We already knew what themes Oprah Winfrey and Tom Cruise would touch on – his family, his religion, his views on psychiatry – but how did Tom Cruise use this big shot at redemption?

Simple – by acting as dull as possible. He didn’t dry-hump any soft furnishings, he didn’t plough his fist through the floor like a mythical Norse warrior, and we get the impression that Oprah could have asked Tom if he murdered babies for a living and he’d have responded with the same conciliatory ‘I do, but I understand people who’d be upset by that/ don’t alienate the audience’ spiel that he rolled out again and again today.

Examples? OK, here’s Tom Cruise on his 2005 televised rant against pyschiatric drugs:

“It came out wrong. It’s just not true. Even if you read [Scientology text] Dianetics, you know that it talks about postpartum depression. But even outside of that, I know that. I was raised by four women who have children, who have babies. I’m not trying or want to tell anyone how to live their life or what they should believe or shouldn’t believe in any way.”

Here’s Tom on Scientology:

“It’s a minority religion, and I think that sometimes people misinterpret [it]. I think the best thing is for people to read about it themselves. … I believe people have the right to choose what they believe in.”

And here’s Tom on why everyone should love him again and go and see his stupid Hitler film next year:

“Listen I, I feel like definitely things have been misunderstood, and there are things I could have done better. But then there’s also that world where you go, ‘Oh, it’s been spun to such an extent that … that’s a truth also.’”

Still, now that Tom Cruise has waded through all that boring “won’t you give me a second chance, planet Earth?” hand-wringing in this interview, he’s free to do as he pleases during his second Oprah appearance on Monday – where he’ll take the form of a mad-eyed preacher with a beard made of fire who’ll blast constant subliminal pro-Scientology slogans straight into the eyes of the millions of viewers until he’s enslaved the entire world.

Read more:

Tom Cruise: The Exclusive Interview – Oprah

But tomorrow’s too long to wait! We want to know the skinny about the Tom Cruise/ Oprah Winfrey interview now! So it’s just as well that some poor Oprah-slave has leaked out details of the interview in a not-at-all cynically pre-planned effort to boost Oprah’s ratings tomorrow.

So what hardball questions can we expect Oprah to ask Tom Cruise tomorrow? Well, according to the source, Tom is grilled on his family. And his marriage. And his views on psychiatry. And Scientology. And blah. And snore.

Oprah Winfrey wants ratings bad at the moment. It’s coming up to sweeps, you see, so Oprah’s gone all out to get as many people watching her show as possible. She’s made David Blaine hold his breath for ages, she’s reanimated the corpses of Cher and Tina Turner and, as a top-secret showstopper next week, she plans to host the second coming of Jesus Christ so she can dress him up as Miley Cyrus and give him a free car.

But the real draw of all this, of course, is the return of Tom Cruise. That’s not a surprise by now – we all know that Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s settee three years ago and then didn’t invite Oprah to his wedding and now they’re friends again because nobody likes Tom Cruise enough to let him on the telly any more. That’s old news.

And so is the news that, in the great big Tom Cruise/ Oprah Winfrey rematch, there’s a snowmobile ride that ends with Oprah having a kind of epileptic arse fantasy about Tom Cruise. So, what about the actual interview itself?

Well, the Associated Press has pulled off a bit of a coup by talking to a source who, under the cover of anonymity, has spilled all the information you could ever wish to read. Sort of:

Tom Cruise’s two-part interview on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” includes a snowmobile ride and a frank discussion of his rocky media image… a person close to the production told The Associated Press Wednesday. Cruise talks candidly with Winfrey about his personal life, said the person, who was not authorized to speak publicly about the show and requested anonymity. He discusses his childhood, life with wife Katie Holmes and their daughter Suri, Scientology and a 2005 appearance on “The Today Show” in which he criticized psychiatry and the use of anti-depressant drugs.

It’s a good job that this source requested anonymity, isn’t it? They were really putting their neck out there by basically just confirming all the stuff that everyone knew would be discussed anyway. We’re sure that if their name was ever divulged, Oprah Winfrey would personally murder them for giving away a series of tantalysing audience-hooking appetite-whetters like that.

Anyway, it looks like this interview is going to be nothing more than a nicely packaged way for an appealingly contrite Tom Cruise to rebuild all the bridges he burnt with his fans by acting like such a crazy bugger a few years ago. And, let’s be honest, it sounds kind of boring.

Still, with tomorrow’s interview out of the way, that leaves the stage set for Monday’s explosive studio interview between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey, which promises to offer everything that fans of nauseating Scientologist-heavy celebrity circlejerks could ever want… and more!

Read more:

AP source: Cruise talks to Oprah about image, faith, family – AP

Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?

According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one 'weed devotee' told them:

"I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

Rumour has it there’s also a strain available called ‘Justin Timberlake Blue’, which makes you feel as if you are the sexiest, most talented person in the room, even if all else (i.e. face) suggests otherwise – this side of the shore it is known as ‘Jonny Borrell Blue’.

Then we have the Robbie Williams strain, which promises the greatest high of your life on the packaging, but in reality it leaves you with nothing more than the empty feeling you have given two hours of your life for absolutely nothing in return.

‘The Britney Spears Pink’ however, is a fucking mental high.

The column quotes one Cruise friend as finding the whole thing "outrageous”.

If by any chance you have been living with your head up your own or someone else’s asshole for the past few years, then you may be surprised to learn that Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, and quite a prominent one at that. And Scientologists are famed for opposing any kind of use of psychotropic drugs, as well as suing the knickers off any one who so much as farts in their general direction.

If you live in California and want to have one last laugh with Tom Cruise, then hurry up and buy, because it’s the best chance you’re ever gonna get to laugh ‘with’ him again.

Read More -  Medical high jinks leave Tom Cruise camp fuming – NY Daily News

In his not-so long life, the wonky singer has famously dabbled with a few drugs. Well, we say a few. We actually mean shitloads. From cannabis to heroin, he is a shining example of how to fuck your life up. Or how to become the perfect teenage idiot idol. But it looks like we're incorrect about Pete Doherty being hooked on more drugs. That's because his new obsession is – wait for it – Scientology!

Celebrities dabbling with religion is a growing trend that's becoming more annoying than rock stars blabbing on about AIDS, Africa and peace. Everyone’s at it of late. All they seem to do is wander around telling us how they saw the light.

That would be all good and well if it was a credible religion like McDonalds, Newcastle United or Christianity, but its not. Unfortunately, our favourite celebrities tend to wander towards the more obscure religions out there. 

The most 'hip', 'cool' or even 'gullible' celebrities of late have all been following Kabbalah and Scientology. They offer all sorts of weird stuff such as magic pixie water which will make you immune from paper cuts. Madonna is a keen follower of Kabbalah and something seems to be working for her. She literally shows no signs of aging and makes us vomit each time she parades herself in a leotard. 

And now it seems that part-time singer and full-time drug lord Pete Doherty is joining the craze of Scientology. After Doherty met his latest girlfriend, Nadine Ruddy, she is said to have got him heavily interested in Scientology. As Now Magazine reports: 

“He's thought to have been staying at her home in Reading to learn about Scientology, which believes humans are an exiled race from outer space. Nadine is really into Scientology. She takes her beliefs very seriously.” 

Will Pete Doherty transform his life for good? This time, we have faith in him. The idea of aliens coming from space sounds somewhat like a hallucination that he’s probably experienced before while off his tits chasing dragons. To him, it’ll be like living in a drugged up world 24/7.

Though if he comes to our doors like one of those annoying Jehovah’s witnesses, we won’t be best pleased.

Read more:

Shock! Pete Doherty Turns To Scientology – Now 

That was fine until we'd seen them all. Twice.

Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo.

That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith's current dilemma. He's not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard's bottom half dearly.

Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit

Will Smith has really dug a pit for himself now. It seems he's babbled on about Scientology so much people are starting to think he's been swung over that way. But the thing is he hasn't. He's never taken the Scientologist's obligatory couch jump on any of Oprah Winfrey's 2000 fine television programmes, and he's never been denied any kind of religious tax exempt status by a very strict federal government. Really, there's not a Scientologist-ish thing about him.

Some argue that though. Some say Smith is the most Scientologist-ish person who has ever lived, save Xenu himself. Those same people say that since Xenu lived so many galaxies away he shouldn't really count towards this category. Plus he's frozen now or something, possibly in his planet's version of Northern Maine. Right near a highway.

But William Smith wants everyone to know once and for all he's not a Hubbard-ite. And he tells them so like this:

"You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise. I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths."

Well we wish we'd known that because, quite frankly, last time we were at Ali's house we spent about two hours too long talking about the shiny-factor of the Dome of the Rock. Honestly Muhammad, the sun glints like that off all metallic roofs.

As if Smith's adamant denial is a touch too vague, a Smith-slave issued this statement to drive things home:

"As Will Smith's publicist I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that Will is not a Scientologist."

But notice he didn't say 110 percent, which implies just a little less certainty then we're comfortable with. Somebody go check the D section of the Smith family personal library.

Read More:

Radar Didn't Call Will Smith A Scientologist – Radar Online

A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise.

Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world – or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout – just how goshdarn annoyed they are.

Among those branding this charade a 'sickening backlash' are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We're sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education.

Sorry. We meant to say 'shopping'. She was busy 'shopping'.

It hasn't just been the aforementioned video that's been irritating the Cruiser of late. Biographer Andrew Morton has released a controversial new book about Tommy-boy, which makes all sorts of sensational allegations, the most shocking of which states that – yes – he actually did think Days Of Thunder was a film worth making.

Professional gurner Adam Sandler yakked that:

"To see anyone's private life invaded and mocked like this is sickening. It's especially gross when it happens to a guy like Cruise, who's a great dad, a great husband and a great friend."

Dustin Hoffman, meanwhile, reckons that:

"Tom Cruise is an American and has the right to freedom of speech and freedom of religion." 

And Ben Stiller really doesn't like those rumours about Katie Holmes being knocked up by an old cult leader:

"Imagine
having a baby and people talking about it the way they did. People lose
sight of the fact that Tom Cruise is actually a person. I feel for him."

The most baffling thing about all of this, however, is that no-one has used the really obvious defence: wouldn't you be a little mixed-up if your soul had been trapped in a volcano millions of years ago?

Honestly, from the way some people are talking, you'd start to think that Tom Cruise was some emotionally needy, none-too-bright narcissist who'd latched onto a con-job fake religion in order to deal with a number of troubling personal issues.

Which is obviously untrue.

Read More:

ADAM SANDLER – STARS DEFEND 'GREAT DAD' CRUISE – Contactmusic