You can always tell when Kirstie Alley hasn’t gotten laid in a while. She gets all crazy preachy about her cult, er I mean “religion,” and starts talking about all the pent up sexual frustration there is between her and her best girlfriend, John Travolta.
Add in the fact that Alley hasn’t drowned her sorrows in butter and Snickers as per her usual routine, and that means the bitch is hangry too. Hangry and horny combined just spells total bat shit crazy territory.
And thankfully, Howard Stern decided to let Ms. Kirstie on his radio show so that the rest of the world can be made a little bit brighter with her insanity.First things first, Kirstie Alley wants the world to know it is totally fucked up to be hating on Scientology! We wouldn’t dare mock Christians for believing in a zombie, or Jews for believing that incest created the human population, so what the hell is up with everyone giving a good ol Willy Wonka meme approved eye roll when someone says they believe aliens are coming one day to take them back to the motherland?!
“I think that is the most repulsive thing that a person can do, is attack another person’s faith.”
Alley especially has a problem with former Xenu lover turned de-brainwashed trick, Leah Remini. Ever since Remini said “I quit this bitch!” she has been very public with letting the world in on the fact that yes, we are all correct in thinking Scientology is a cult. Alley thinks Remini is basically a Nazi Klansman bigot who needs to keep her trap shut, and stop hating on the greatest thing that has ever happened to Alley since she discovered the tongue joy of Twinkies.
“First of all, I just want everyone to know that I have hundreds of friends who have come into Scientology and left Scientology. You’re not shunned, you’re not chased. All that stuff’s bullshit. However, when you are generalizing, and when your goal is to malign and to say things about an entire group, when you decide to blanket statement that Scientology is evil, you are my enemy.”
Gauntlet thrown! Remini better watch out now cause you do not want to be an enemy of Alley’s. You see what happened to the last woman to try and maybe suggest that the Kool-Aid is a little sketchy? Bitch has not been seen by a living person in years. Those Scientologists are no joke.
Alley then jumps to her next favorite discussion topic, the utter masculinity of butt chin toupee king, John Travolta. Kirstie has been telling everyone who will listen for years that Travolta is totally not gay, no matter how many masseuses come out and say John tried to put a little of hit Saturday Night Fever into their mouths. One of her biggest arguments that she thinks proves his straightness is that she claims there is a ton of unrequited sexual tension between the two, and that he was one of the loves of her life that got away.
“It took me years to not look at John as a romantic interest. Now, I’m best friends with his wife, and that took a while. Because in the beginning she would bust me, like, ‘Are you flirting with my husband?’ And the answer was yes.”
Well let’s get something cleared up real quick. Just because you find yourself wet dreaming about some dude, doesn’t mean his peen is not interested in going in exit only holes. My entire junior high school love life consisted of me falling in love with all sorts of dudes from the drama club who I swore liked me too because we could chat for hours about our mutual love for Ace of Base and the movie Clueless. Yea, when you’re 14 you’re gaydar, like your knockers, is not fully developed. When I got older and realized that none of these relationships worked out because I got to pee in bathrooms with stalls and lavender lotion, it made much more sense to me why my parents never had an issue with me having these guys over to my bedroom. (I thought my parents were super cool, turns out they knew from an early age that their daughter was just a flame dame). So, Alley thinking that her having the hots for Travolta is any sort of legitimate argument proving her case, she is very mistaken.
Also, I don’t think Kelly Preston was questioning Alley because she was nervous her man might stray into Kirstie’s bed. I think it was more “Bitch, I already signed a contract that guarantees me a lot of cash, so don’t you dare think you are going to be creeping in on my retirement fund.” So, Kirstie has been regulated to just being Travolta’s shopping partner and style inspiration for his role in Hairspray.
Alley also claims that the reason so many dudes cry sexual harassment against Travolta is because of money, and not because he actually believes all massages should come with a happy ending. Except the funny thing is, there are a shit ton of famous dudes in Hollywood, and there are only a select few who could wallpaper their house in magazine articles calling them out for being man lovers. Some of those guys finally came out of the closet, and the rest of them are basically hiding in a pantry with no door.
Alley ends the interview by saying she hasn’t had a boyfriend in 13 years, which I find to be super sad. But not for Kirstie. For the poor Chinese delivery guy who spent every Friday and Saturday night for years with Alley. He thought they had something special, that he wasn’t just another guy bringing Kirstie food to her home. He even brought her extra soy sauce and fortune cookies! But he sadly lacked the high pitched falsetto and dimple chin that gets Alley’s wheels turning.