Ryan Phillippe might be a daddy! Hurray! Where do we send a card of congratulations? He must be so thrilled at the prospect of being responsible for yet another human shaped disappointment into the world!

But wait! What’s this? His ex, pregnant model-cum-actress Alexis Knapp, is saying that the thing growing inside her was put there by Phillippe, but he’s not so sure.

In fact, he’s not certain of it at all. And so, he’s going to ‘do’ a DNA test. We assume that this means he’ll have to have sex with a DNA machine and then, when both babies are born, the machine’s will be compared to the one that pops out of Knapp and people in white coats will see if they look kinda similar.

Of course, this doesn’t really work because pretty much all babies look the same. Horrible little bald things with erupting arcs of faeces jetting out of them, coupled with a crying sound that sounds like every nail on Earth being scraped down a giant chalkboard.

This’ll be the first time that Knapp will have squeezed a child out of her soon-to-be devastated ladyhole. As she dated Phillippe for on-and-off last year, she’s convinced it is his.

Some stupid source says:

“She has been telling people he is the father.”

A different source adds:

“Ryan doesn’t know if he is the dad. If he is, he will take full responsibility for the child.”

“He’s a good guy. He loves being a dad and takes being a dad really seriously.”

In an unrelated piece of news, Knapp will be promoting two films. One is called Project X and the other is a Miley Cyrus flick called So Undercover. A third film may come out called ‘Don’t Tell Mom I Used My Pregnancy To Further My Career!’

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Saturday Night Live has been responsible for a barrage of chuckleheads over the years. But for every success there’s been a failure as miserable as a thousand Night at the Roxbury’s.

Will Ferrell, Bill Murray, Mike Myers and Tina Fey all went on to bigger and better things, while Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz and Chris Kattan all slipped down the toilet bowel of obscurity.

Will Forte is riding the periphery, neither hitting mainstream success but rearing his gurning head in multiple roles in television and film. Now, like Myers and Ferrell, he has graduated to the big screen with one of his skits, MacGruber, a pastiche on a TV show nobody cares or remembers.

Forte plays MacGruber, an ‘80s supercop, grieving for a wife murdered by Cunth (Val Kilmer – somewhat more physically deflated than he usually is) and sporting the coolest mullet this side of that weird kid off of your local estate. Making up the allies are Ryan Phillippe (where has he been?) and Kristin Wiig (the funniest unfunny person in Hollywood).

It starts off unevenly, with MacGruber being forced back into service a la Rambo III - something that was more successfully lampooned back in Hot Shots: Part Deux. From there, it starts to become a box ticking exercise in action movie clichés, some with success and some that fall as flat as Simon Cowell’s hair.

And it’s easy to predict where the meat of the material comes from, with the villain Cunth prime for ridicule. Although, there’s only so much, ‘pound some Cunth’  jokes we can take. Sure, it’s a pretty high number, but there’s still a limit.

While MacGruber is a take on MacGyver, it’s not a reference that’ll register with most of the sane population of the UK. Not that it focuses particularly on anything resembling either the show, or the initial SNL sketches that were such a hit.

This is sporadic comedy, unsure of itself and often stumbling. You often get the feeling that Forte isn’t cut out for the lead, and the support are often wasted and given barely anything to do. Kilmer comes away making an impression, which is more than can be said for Wiig or Phillippe.

If Forte bares resemblance to any of his fellow SNL alumni it would be that of Chris Farley, someone of whose appeal seemed restricted to within the borders of the US. Someone so broad they border on condescending, raising the odd chuckle but failing to make any lasting impression.

As MacGruber continues there are some genuinely funny one-liners, while the take on ‘80s sex scenes is as distinct, memorable and as funny as Team America’s infamous doll sexcapades. If the film focused on similar moments to send up then there would be a lot more to recommend here. Otherwise, prepare to go long stretches without some ha-ha’s.

While this isn’t on the same league of bilge we often are subjected to here at hecklerspray, it isn’t the most inventive comedy around. Straight down the middle average laugh-a-thon. Struggling to some up mediocrity, we’ll just finish with ‘meh’.

‘Spray Rating: 3/5

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You know Ryan Phillippe? Actually, no, how silly of us. Of course you don’t know who Ryan Phillippe is.

It’s not like he’s famous or anything, is it? But anyway, Ryan Phillippe – who was in a film once or something – used to be married to Reese Witherspoon. But they split up, because either a) Reese Witherspoon realised that Ryan Phillippe had been cheating on her with Abbie Cornish, or b) she just forgot who he was on the basis that he isn’t famous.

Well, now it’s emerged that Abbie Cornish has now split up with Ryan Phillippe, because either a) Ryan Phillippe has an untameable wandering eye or b) she just forgot who he was on the basis that he isn’t famous. Pretty sure it’s the second one, actually.

If the recent Tim Robbins/ Susan Sarandon split story didn’t really do it for you on the basis that you know who both of them actually are, then this is the story for you! It’s got everything that the Sarandon story had – like heartbreak and human emotion and stuff – but with the added bonus of being about two people so catastrophically unfamous that they’re often both mistaken for shop mannequins or inflatable dolls or nondescript misshapen lumps of shop-soiled fibreglass.

That’s right – Abbie Cornish and Ryan Phillippe have split up. You may remember Ryan Phillippe as the man who was in Cruel Intentions about a decade ago, and you may remember Abbie Cornish from Russell Crowe‘s worst ever film. But let’s be realistic. You probably don’t. You’re more likely to know that Abbie Cornish is the girl who Ryan Phillippe shacked up with after Reese Witherspoon divorced him for cheating on her with Abbie Cornish, but even that’s unlikely. Your brain only has a finite capacity. You don’t want to fill it up with unimportant crap like that.

Anyway, Abbie Cornish has apparently split up with Ryan Phillippe because he still likes the ladies a little bit too much. The New York Daily News reports:

On Valentine’s Day, he was spotted chatting with a few femmes at a private Guns N’ Roses bash. And Phillippe attempted to approach supermodel Doutzen Kroes on Thursday… A source close to the actress says, not so cryptically: “Abbie took control of a bad situation and ended it once the truth became clear. She told him it was over as soon as she realized Ryan wasn’t taking it as seriously as she was.”

At least that’s the story they’re going with. Remember that Ryan Phillippe’s marriage to Reese Witherspoon suffered due to the fact that she was so much more famous and successful than him. Maybe Ryan’s relationship with Abbie suffered because she’s much more famous and successful than him. Yes, we know that Abbie Cornish isn’t remotely famous or successful, but she still outclasses Ryan by some distance.

But not all of Ryan Phillippe’s relationships need to end this way. For instance, if Ryan happens to be on the rebound, we’ve got a picture of a lady that we just drew on a balloon with a felt tip pen that would be just perfect for him. They’re not quite as famous as each other, obviously, but the balloon lady would be prepared to put her career to one side if it made Ryan happy. It’s the best offer he’ll get.

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Jay Leno's crushing inability to make people laugh has long been well-known but, heavens, he's surpassed himself this time.

A few nights ago, while interviewing Ryan Phillippe on his show, Jay Leno ditched the usual question/answer format to basically goad Ryan into pulling his 'gayest face' until he threatened to walk offstage.

And now Jay Leno has apologised. He's now come to realise that mocking homosexuals in the 21st century is both outmoded and offensive and has promised that next time Ryan Phillipe comes on his show he'll only restrict himself to try and make him jump up and down for food in a loincloth like the black people do.

If you believe what you read, then Jay Leno is everyone's ideal dinner guest because not only would he regale you with anecdotes about his 16 years spent interviewing the world's biggest stars, but he could also bore you into a coma with endless car talk and – if you're really lucky – chuck in a few breathtakingly inappropriate cracks about gay people who pull funny faces when they talk.

Or at least that's what Jay Leno used to be able to do. Now the liberal elite have banned Jay from ridiculing homosexuals just because he made a breathtakingly ignorant remark to Ryan Phillippe during an interview with him last Thursday. What next? Telling us we can't dress in hoods and set fire to immigrant children any more? For fuel or fun? Once again, this is a prime example of political correctness gone haywire.

But anyway, back to the interview. Discussing Ryan Phillippe's first role as a gay teenager on a soap opera on his show, Jay Leno said:

"Say that camera is your gay lover. Can you give me your gayest look? Say that camera is Billy Bob [Thornton]—Billy Bob has just ridden in shirtless from Wyoming."

To which Ryan Phillippe wriggled around uncomfortably while making semi-joking threats to walk off if the gay jokes continued. Seriously, that boy. He won't talk about that time he broke up his marriage by cheating on his wife and he won't pull exaggerated gay faces into a camera. What does that leave to discuss? Igby Goes Down? Please.

Now, following and instant and audible backlash from both the gay and sensible onlooker communities, Jay Leno has issued a sincere apology from the bottom of his chin:

"In talking about Ryan's first role, I realize that what I said came out wrong, I certainly didn't mean any malice. I agree it was a dumb thing to say, and I apologize."

Of course, Jay Leno is absolutely right to apologise to his offended viewers. As others have commented, Jay Leno wouldn't have dreamt of asking Ryan Phillippe to pull his blackest face or his Jewiest face, would he? Which is a shame because, ironically, Ryan Phillippe's Jewiest face is downright hilarious. You ain't never seen a Jewier face, that's for sure.

Read more:

Jay Sorry for "Gayest Look" Crack – E! Online 

Remember when Reese Witherspoon got divorced from Ryan Phillippe and everyone thought it was because he was boning that other girl?

Us too, but it turns out that everyone was wrong about it – because Ryan Phillippe has just been interviewed in W Magazine and he revealed that he was so cut up about divorcing his vastly more successful wife that he literally didn't get out of bed for five months.

Also, according to Ryan Phillippe, "an outside person can never cause a divorce." So, lads, remember to keep that argument in mind for when your wife catches you boning other women. We hear that one's watertight from a legal perspective.

It must be hard being married to Reese Witherspoon. Partly because you'd have to wake up every morning thinking "That chin! What was I thinking?" and partly because she's an Oscar-winning A-list actress who – aside from that pants-looking Rendition movie she was in – can do no wrong while you're, well, you're just rubbish old Ryan Phillippe. 

Inevitably resentment is bound to set in at some point in that scenario, especially when you can tell that Reese is only faking her enthusiasm for Antitrust because she's too busy being America's Sweetheart. And that's why, when Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split up after seven years of marriage, it wasn't really a surprise to learn that it was probably because Ryan was having it off with another woman.

That was over a year ago, though, and Ryan and Reese have managed to keep a dignified silence about the divorce throughout, which happens so infrequently these days that it has to be applauded. Or at least it would have to be applauded, except that Ryan Phillippe has decided to blab all about how the divorce made him all unhappy inside for a while. According to E! Online:

Ryan Phillippe calls his divorce from Reese Witherspoon, after seven years of marriage, "the darkest, saddest place I had ever been." The actor, 33, tells W magazine, "There were a good four or five months of not being able to get out of bed. It was the worst time in my life." But that was then. "You get through it," Phillippe says now. "It's a process that's not easy, but I get less and less sad about it every day" … The reason for the breakup was "far more complicated and far less interesting than it's made out to be. To look and search for these salacious reasons, to pin it on a person, or a moment in someone's life, it's not realistic."

A few points about the above:

1) Is it just us, or is clear that Ryan Phillippe is doing his best to weasel out of the fact that his marriage went down the toilet because he was having it off with another woman? 

2) He stayed in bed for five months because he was so sad? How must that have made the girl he was having it off with feel, since he stayed with her after he divorced Reese? Pretty lousy, we'd guess. Also, to what extent did Ryan stay in bed for five months? Did he get up eventually each day? Did he only get up for emergencies? What if he needed a poo? Did he just hang his bum off the side of the bed, or did he just go wherever he happened to be lying? We need to know these very important points.

3) The divorce was "the darkest, saddest place I had ever been." Oh really? Try going to Chatham, pal.

Read more:

Ryan Phillippe Opens Up About Divorce from Reese - People