Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.

The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.

MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?

MIA has opted to show us all her bad side in ‘Bad Girls’ which frankly we just never saw coming.

Warning. It features cars and a load of posing.

And not much worthwhile tune.

If you were bored enough to watch the above ‘short film’ from Roman Gavras, the director of “How can I make a short lived cultural criticism next?” then you will have noticed Maya wearing her shiny bra on the outside like a feminine version of Super Girl. She bad. It’s probably all political and about war and oil and greed and stuff, but MIA knows that’s way over all our heads so she decided to re-enact that scene from Sex And The City 2 where everyone in the Middle East dresses like a Western capitalist twat. She bad.

So what’s just happened right now is we’ve just watched nearly four entire minutes of our very first Alexandra Burke video. Yeah, she’s back which is probably not a coincidence, but more of an elephant in the room as she so candidly puts it on the song ‘Elephant.’ It’s all just a bit unfortunate really.

Brilliantly, you can’t embed the video yet, so if you want to actually see it after listening to that cod-club bilge, click here

We all just need to calm down a minute. You might think The Shins are a boring band and this video proves you 500 per cent right, but we’re still standing by them.

It could be captivating if you… no? Okay. Sorry. Moving on, we here at the ‘spray like to teach you, dear reader, stuff. Not how to read; we don’t want you to leave, but how to see in colour—it’s something they can do now with technology and stuff. Sadly OK GO got their first as per.

We know it’s for Big Bird and his friends on ‘the farm’ but hopefully now you will all see how OK GO are little more than a meme. Can we all move on from their 753 trick pony now?

Addendum- if you’re still helplessly trying to be relevant then you can watch the numerous parodies of Lana Del Ray that are being knocked together in studios across the world. One of them features her off of that film about the funny women and the other features the comedian not off of the funny film with the women, but does have some references to teenage literature.

We’ll let you decide what you want to do with that.

Awards ceremonies are pointless, unless you win something at one of them. Then they’re the best thing ever for all of around 5 seconds (basically, ’til the free bar is closed). So should we get worked up about them? 

OF COURSE WE SHOULD! These junkets are there to be mocked mercilessly. They are arbiters of taste and all that is deemed good, so everyone should gather round them and poke them with as many pointed sticks as they can get their awful, grubby little hands on.

So you’ll be thrilled to know that a bunch of musicians are going to hold a protest outside Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony over a decision to unceremoniously axe 31 ‘ethnic and minority musical categories’ from the bash.

Now, we’re not saying that the Grammies are racist at all. However, this protest seems to be implying that is what’s going on here. Organisers of the protest are hoping that fans and artists around the world of Latin jazz, gospel and blues will join in and attend an alternative concert.

23,000 people have already signed a petition which demands that the Recording Academy reinstate Grammy awards for Native American and Hawaiian music, and reverse cuts in categories for Latin Jazz, Gospel, R&B and Blues that were axed in a seemingly pointless overhaul last year.

And some famous people have signed up too! Paul Simon, Carlos Santana, Bonnie Raitt and Bobby Sanabria are among those that aren’t happy with the cuts.

Spokesman Robert Sax (great name, lad) said that the protest would be held outside the Staples Center in LA before everyone tootles off for the Not Those Awards All-Star Latin Jazz Jam at a Los Angeles nightclub.

Jazz artist, Matos, says:

“We are holding this concert to remind music fans about all the great music that has been eliminated from the Grammys. To paraphrase what Frank Sinatra said at the first Grammy Awards in 1959, ‘Remember, the awards are about excellence, not popularity.’”

And who leads the pack at the Grammies? Well, Kanye West has seven nominations and Bruno Mars has a bunch too. Rihanna will also be performing, which really drives a nail into the coffin of the argument that the Grammies are a bit racist.

Oh well.

At least the cocaine dealers will be having a good time in the run-up to it.

Y’know rich, successful, universally adored and fancied Gwen Stefani? She’s not happy with her life. See, despite the fact that, now she’s single, she could do as she damn well pleases with whoever she goddamn wants to, she’s not liking the fact she’s a woman.

Poor Gwen. With those lovely woman boobs and lack of disgusting man-penis.

When Stefani comes back in the next life – which won’t happen because reincarnation absolutely doesn’t exist – she would like to come back as a human man.

She said:

“Until now I had two serious relationships. And one of the men I married!”

But has she missed out, what with having all that marriage?

“Absolutely not. A while ago a friend told me she dates two men simultaneously. That really blew me away! But in my next life I’m gonna come back as a man and behave like a bitch!”

She wants to come back as a man, but behave like a woman with two boyfriends?

Fine, whatever. If rumours are true that she’s splitting up with Gavin Rossdale (and you would totally dump him – have you heard Bush’s records? Exactly), then why doesn’t she stop this whole ‘waiting for reincarnation’ thing and just slag it up like the rest of us?

Well. Those of us lucky enough to attract other humans in a sexual way.

Either way, Gwen hasn’t learned her lesson at all and has a firm idea of what she finds appealing in a man. She is only attracted to people who are creative. Apparently, creative men are…

“super sexy”

Or, if you prefer ‘untrustworthy, impractical tramps’. Whatever floats your boat Gwen.

WAIT A MINUTE! SHE’S CALLED GWEN! WHAT IS SHE?! SOME KIND OF ’50s WELSH MINER’S WIFE? Sheesh. Can’t believe we only just noticed that.

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.

We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.

Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?

Showing us all how not to do everything is the most boring non-member of Mumford and Sons Laura Marling.

She’s still whacking her hands against that stringed up tissue box and spitting slowly dying cats out of her face. So, obviously you might want to watch this on mute wherein you will transcend yourself and become one of those people who cites Russian Ballet as a hobby.

You scumbags.

If you like dancing, which as a nation we seem to do, then you will find this video exciting. Conforming to the aforementioned law that one of the vital elements for the success of a music video is the objectification of women, the people doing the dancing are of course women and they are of course wearing some unflattering black underwear, but underwear nonetheless; besides it’s black and we all know that means they want to have sex.

Probably with that snazzy man dancer who’s getting all up in their pelvic thrusts. Laura Marling-1, Feminism-0.

The Arctic Monkeys have gone back into the studio. Anybody?

Oh yeah Richard Hawley is there just in case you forgot they were local lads who love local things. Yes, we get it. You’re from Sheffield.

Breaking news coming in as we’re writing! The original Sugababes seem closer than ever to reforming according to one ardent twitter fan and thousands of unassuming idiots. Try not to break a sweat chasing this one round the rumour mill it’s only been a thousand years and a non-existent number of incarnations and counting.

Obviously you’ll be the first to receive a staggering endorsement of their new video from us if this ever happens. Regular service resuming in 5… 4… 3…

Yay The Red Hot Chili Peppers are still around and Anthony Kiedis still has the biggest dick in the business; everybody dance now! Well, you could, but someone decided to take the video offline thanks to copyright issues. WHAT A SHAME. All you’re missing is the usual turgid rubbish, complete with hair. Oh, there’s also a massive dog/penis allegory that’s being waved in the camera for three minutes.

The weekly metal music video to keep you in a state of habitual depression comes courtesy of Mastadon.

Metal can be sensual too is what this says. How? Well that’s a very good question, but here we state a case that it is through the innocence of a woman’s face. Metal-1, Feminism- -1.

Next week we’ll be ditching gender politics and solving the problems that are inherent within society due to the class system and economic policy so be sure to tune in for that and for the latest on what Mutya, Keisha, and the other one are doing.

Mick Jagger, a man with a face like a thousand ballsacks, is no political football! Nosiree! He doesn’t like to be aligned to any party, mainly because he knows that its not in his interests to side with anyone, lest he lose a bunch of fans.

With that, he doesn’t like Prime Minister David Cameron trying to rim him for public favour.

See, Davey Boy Cameron invited Mick Jagger (with all that swagger, whatever that means these days) to an event in Switzerland. The event was about economics. Or, if you prefer, everyone out there was opening bank accounts so they don’t have to pay their taxes. That’s precisely what was going on.

And what was this event called?

No, is wasn’t called ‘Posh Gits Learn How To Hide Penniesfest’. Rather, the Rolling Stones frontman was invited to join Cameron at the Great British Tea Party in Davos.

Yes. Apparently there’s a place called Davos. Isn’t that a Doctor Who baddie or something? Don’t tell us. We honestly couldn’t care less.

Anyway, this event was (apparently) aimed at boosting foreign investment in the country ahead of the 2012 London Olympics, but Jagger decided against going to it when news of his appearance was leaked to the media.

In a statement, Jagger admitted that he was looking forward to attending the economics summit, but refuses to be used as a puppet for the Conservative Party.

He ranted:

“I came to Davos as a guest, as I thought it would be stimulating… I have always been interested in economics and world events (but) I now find myself being used as a political football and there has been a lot of comment about my political allegiances which are inaccurate. I think it’s best I decline the invitation to the key event and curtail my visit.”

Basically, he doesn’t want everyone finding out that, despite being liberal of mind, he’s probably a bit right-wing because the Tories look after his money better.

Right?

Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books.

But Generation Yoof won’t care about classic cinema being revisited will they? They’ve got Skins back on their worthless TVs.

And, worse still, sixth form politicians and literature geeks will all be going weak at the knees as skag wuss and all-round pus-factory Pete Doherty looks to cash in with a documentary based on run of the mill indie act, The Libertines. We expect no highs, just lows.

For some reason, The Libertines made it big despite sounding like every other band that was hanging around on the circuit. Perhaps excitable teenagers liked the spaced-out, brown-tooth look that Pete Doherty gave off as he constantly wandered around on a concoction of bad drugs and worse booze.

The Libertines essentially proved themselves to be a band version of Eastenders as Doherty decided to break into band mate Carl Barat’s flat to steal from him. Eventually he spent some time inside a nasty prison, which we all had a laugh over.

As we’ve said before, he’s not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Frankly, we have no idea what this documentary is going to be about. After all, it does seem to be the worst trailer we’ve ever seen for anything. Waste a minute of your life below as the camera continues to zoom out until the very end. Go GCSE media skills!

If anyone ever sits down to watch “There Are No Innocent Bystanders,” is it just going to be nothing but a scrap book of images featuring some muffled words by the band? Is anyone going to be able to tell what plastic cockney Pete Doherty is saying throughout?

Or will it just be one giant mockery of their career when we see how all of the members squandered away the money they received to reunite for hipster central festival, Leeds & Reading?

“There Are No Innocent Bystanders” will only be available in all bad cinemas, DVD shops and torrent sites still. Don’t bother asking us when it’s out.

The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That’s right, it isn’t one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn’t exist! Roll on February 29th!

And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (© The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.

But the mass global event we’re all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.

Recently, lizard-president of the UK, David Cameron wanted to see more support come from TV networks so the British film industry could rosily bloom like a bunch of flowers next to a cancer victim’s grave. We all laughed and scorned at the prime ministers suggestions, however, we wish that the same train of thought was suggested to the Olympics.

Us British like a good old piece of nostalgia. Honestly, it’s amazing that some trendy company haven’t found a way of sucking the fondest memories you possess out your brain and converted them into some awful glistening cupcake. Imagine if you ever felt sad or lonely; a delicious slice of nostalgia cake could be scoffed down to get that happy feeling back in your tummy.

Obviously, we’re obsessed about the past because the UK has nothing to look forward to. We’ve already peaked.

From winning the 1966 World Cup or remembering the time when one of our princesses got smushed to bits in a Paris tunnel, you’ll be guaranteed that a tabloid paper will mention it at any given opportunity. In the music world, Paul McCartney is someone that we supposedly can’t get enough of. As someone who played in a band named after his favourite type of insect that weren’t even as good as The Beach Boys, he is amazingly popular and at time of writing, hasn’t been put in a home for his own good.

Britain is a nation to afraid to even vaguely venture in to new territories, kind of like your average holiday maker who insists on getting chips instead of rice with his chicken korma. Once you get into a habit, it’s hard to break it. Think about it, we wheeled out Paul McCartney in 2002 when The Queen had her Golden Jubilee. Though we assume they’d have used Freddie Mercury if he hadn’t died of the AIDS. Speaking about any possible Olympic involvement, McCartney said:

“I am seeing the guy because there is something they want me to do. I might be doing something in the Olympics. I know until then.”

When do we get to vote him into the Dignitas house in Switzerland?

With his wrinkled, wizened face and ballbag neck, Neil Young is not a young man. In fact, he’s incredibly old. He’s always sung like he’s Methuselah, making Bob Dylan sound like a fresh-faced operatic toddler.

Of course, the older you get, the more you find things bugging you. Automated phone systems, self-service tills and absolutely everything young people do find a way into your bile, erupting out in a volley of complaint.

So what’s up with Neil Young now? Modern music, that’s what. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it in the same way his granddad would’ve hated his peers haircuts and music.

Young, a man who made a living out of making new records sound amazingly out-of-date when he released them (Harvest was the sound of ’20s country and the less we say about his electronic album, the better) surprisingly doesn’t find much joy in the current climate.

Neil said, while shouting at next door’s kids for kicking their ball in his garden:

“I’m finding that I have a little bit of trouble with the quality of the sound of music today. I don’t like it. It just makes me angry. Not the quality of the music, but we’re in the 21st century and we have the worst sound that we’ve ever had. It’s worse than a 78 [rpm record]. Where are our geniuses? What happened?”

That’d be the sound of a 78 record that Young was once so keen to ape.

Either way, he’s continued his whining, claiming that MP3s only feature 5 per cent of the data from an original master file, which he sees as a major problem.

“If you’re an artist and you created something and you knew the master was 100 per cent great, but the consumer got 5 per cent, would you be feeling good? I like to point that out to artists. That’s why people listen to music differently today. It’s all about the bottom and the beat driving everything, and that’s because in the resolution of the music, there’s nothing else you can really hear. The warmth and the depth at the high end is gone.”

“It’s like Occupy Music – the 5 per cent, that’s who we are now. We used to be the hundred per cent!”

Actually. That was quite a funny sign-off, which is irritating.

We’d love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can’t get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We’d love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren’t really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.

We do love it when the world wide web gets it’s knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we’re here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.

In a tone more akin to what you’re used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex “absolute git hamper” James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you’ve seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it’s no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D’s—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody’s that sick.

Another man that’s a stinking Tory who is regurgitating his lower intestinal tract into words for us to read every day is Brian May, this nutter and his hair just blog instead of write songs, probably because years of brushing that mane have mangled his hands beyond repair.

Not enough though it seems to stop him from making some dreadful decisions.

Yes by dreadful decisions we are referring explicitly to working with The Splat In The Hat, Dappy.

It’s fine though guys – it’s hard to ruin a career when you can’t hear it behind the auto tune. This is what Dappy looks like when he’s living like a rockstar, which coincidentally is the name of the song and the only reason that Brian May is here. Well that and for some reason that he will take to his grave.

You can see the 24 year old sitting in a vacant swimming pool drawing tally marks and talking about Amy Winehouse and The 27 Club; which is absolutely the only reason why anyone will take notice of this dreadful song. Oh, respect to dead Fred as well Bri’.

Another stupid dead person is Jim Morrison and it seems his return isn’t friendly for the epileptics so, the afflicted might want to skip this dub butchery by Skrillex.

You can watch the video the actual promotional video here because some dufus didn’t put it on YouTube so we could embed it on this page. Concerning the video, to be fair to the friendly looking young man, this isn’t entirely his fault. Yes he quit his hardcore band to pursue a career as a DJ. Yes, he chose to remix The Doors. Yes, he forced the still barely alive members of the band to clap like robots. Yes, he is a terrible person. BUT it is something to do with a documentary and The Grammy’s in which the smarmy likes of Mark Ronson will remix songs from ‘traditional music’ they’re calling it Re:Generation and we’re calling it wrong. The live show looks thrilling though… if you’re into pollution of all senses that is.

Alas, it’s always a shame when a career doesn’t quite work out, it’s just so much hassle, but when you’ve been defeated it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Santigold, clearly, is not a fan of this method. Yes, the woman who released a song nobody knows the name of an inordinate amount of years ago is back and she’s holding onto that multi-coloured childlike dearth of charisma with everything her scrawny frame will allow.

She probably drew the scenery and picked out those pleather shorts all by herself. She can probably cross the road by herself as well because she’s evidently still alive. Don’t you hate it when Santigold is still alive? It’s like if M.I.A if M.I.A wasn’t a bourgeois sign of the times for pretentious…Oh, well then.

For fans of: M.I.A.

All this bloody Lana Del Ray nonsense can bugger off back into the stupid void as well, she was never as good a singer as you wanted her to be and this whole SNL debacle isn’t as bad as you want it to be either so you can all bite your roguish tongues and cock right off. You know what was terrible about SNL? Daniel Radcliffe’s cardigan.

There was some more videos in store for you, but frankly we don’t want you to see them and instead will give you some Lionel Richie as punishment for your sins.

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

Okay so that was the best punishment ever huh?

In honour of the birthday of Legs Larry Smith, the man who manned the drumstool in the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, it only seems right that we should write about how brilliant Britain’s funniest band are.

Comedy and music? Does it make something awful run icily through your veins? Worry not, because the Bonzos were more than simple jesters.

Emerging in the stupid ’60s, the Bonzos were hip enough to ‘get it’ and smart enough to lampoon it, taking influence from the big groups of the time as well as tapping into the world’s penchant for the absurd and the archaic. Step forward, Britain’s finest Victorian Idiots Psychedelicists.

In the group, we could find the might Neil Innes – unofficial Monty Python member and Rutle extraordinaire – who was the achingly cool face of the group. He was joined by maverick nutter Vivian Stanshall, along with bug-eyed pranksters Rodney ‘Rhino’ Desborough Slater, Roger Ruskin Spear and the aforementioned ‘Legs’ Larry Smith.

In addition to this, at points in the band’s career, they were joined by Eric Clapton, Paul McCartney and Elton John. Not bad for a supposed ‘novelty act’.

The group’s most famous hit is the instantly recognisable pop-smash, ‘I’m The Urban Spaceman’, which you can listen to here.

However, the Bonzos weren’t always so pop-friendly. Riding the wave of a nostalgia that swept through the counter-culture of the 1960s, bands like The Temperance Seven found modest fame. The Bonzos were quick to capitalise on the sense of the absurd. Here’s the Temperance Seven…

…and here’s the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, tackling a similar sound. However, it wasn’t a tribute. The Bonzos were famously dubbed a ‘ballet for the vulgar’, with Neil Innes adding:

“We’re not doing a Temperance Seven, we’re murdering them.”

However, where most comedic musical outfits are one-trick ponies, the Bonzos could ape, lampoon and attack anything! They were clearly fans of a broad spectrum of music, able to convincing take-off anything they lay their mischievous hands on.

They quickly spotted how much of the psychedelic music of the time was ludicrous in tone and even worse in message… yet they clearly enjoyed it. So, taking the nonsense lyrics of those pretending to have taken LSD and marrying it with a convincing pastiche, behold, The Equestrian Statue which could fool the most hardy psychedelic nut at the time.

In the ‘Canyons Of Your Mind’, they slapped Elvis, with ‘Can Blue Men Sings The Whites?’ they cut down the boogie enthusiasts, with ‘We Were Wrong’, ridiculed bobby soxers and with ‘We Are Normal’, they tore apart the alternative rock music coming over from the States. No stone was left unturned. Elsewhere, they made the relentless (ly funny) The Intro & The Outro, which takes a joke and draws it out ’til you feel like the inside of your head was going to rupture.

And of course, they found time to poke fun at the whole notion that Britain was the most hip place to be on Earth with the sarcastic ‘Cool Britannia’, a phrase that would be later taken incredibly seriously by sour-faced indie guitarists and politicians in the ’90s.

Amongst all the musical tomfoolery, the group also managed to pre-date the spoof interview that was popularised by the likes of Chris Morris and various members of The 11 O’Clock show (Ali G, Daisy Donovan et al) by decades with the wonderfully ridiculous ‘Shirt’.

Naturally, it wasn’t all nonsense. Some of it was only partial nonsense, with killer slices of choogle like ‘You Done My Brain In’ and ‘Humanoid Boogie’.

Alas, with the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, you were never far away from a song called ‘Bride Stripped Bare By Bachelors’, ‘Jazz – Delicious Hot, Disgusting Cold’ and ‘Noises For The Leg’.

In essence, the Bonzos are some of the finest tunesmiths that Britain has ever produced and, like most things comedic, they won’t ever be taken as seriously as the pop-culture they dissected.

Funny that.

Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You’re imagining Steven Tyler having sex!

Well done you! And look! There’s some erupting acid-reflux!

See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y’know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.

See, Steven Tyler has got engaged to longtime girlfriend Erin Brady recently and, of course, this matters a great deal to him now because he’s no longer taking drugs or drinking oceans of booze.

In short, he’s become a bit of a wimp.

And stopping by The Ellen DeGeneres Show (there’s a woman bored out of her mind with her job) the American Idol judge told the host that Erin is the lady for him. Groupies have stopped knocking on the backstage door, eh Stevie?

Why is she the one? Scarves.

“The first time I saw her…she worked for Clear Channel so she was paying the band. And I didn’t notice her and one night she had on this hair band on around her head. She looked really old fashioned… so I took her back in the room and she tied me up with it and I thought I’m marrying this girl.”

So scarves turn Steven Tyler on?

“Yes, it’s the imagery and how deep one can get into it… [and what the scarf could mean in a fantasy sex situation] I play it out.”

Just imagine Steven Tyler, all tied-up with his lad out, waiting for you to ride him. It’d be like mounting a see-saw made from raw sausage meat.

Still, at least he’s not drunk and stands a better chance of avoiding brewer’s droop. Asked what it takes for him to be sober, he admitted:

“You never know what it takes. I have program. I got all my friends that are sober now. What it is… it’s euphoric recall. You hear music and you can get so high and the curtain comes down. It’s no different then doing a bump.”

“It’s the same thing and that’s why it is so dangerous for me. I can’t get back into that world. I can stay high on stage and stay high.. I mean out here with you right now my hearts pounding. Hearing you guys [the audience] roar. This what I live for today. But you never know if it’s going to stick. I just keep with my program, wish and hope.”

Regrettably, this means  that he’s not going to stop making his awful, awful stadium rock any time soon because frankly, that’s all he’s got.

Damn.

Befanged, alt.lifestyle tourist, Avril Lavigne, long ago decided that being a skatergirl wasn’t for her because acne, greasy hair and ill-fitting jeans wasn’t at all attractive. And so, she promptly went mental, spat at some photographers and became airbrushed.

Losing her raison d’être, she tottered off into some pop-twilight, only getting column inches for her clearly tedious private life.

Things livened up briefly when she got into a bar-room brawl with some women, which left her bozo hunk of a fella – Brody Jenner (how is that not a girl’s name?) – with a bit gash on his face. No, we’re not talking about him fellating Lavigne. Alas, now, she’s got nothing as the pair have decided to wave ta-ta to their relationship.

A source confirms to E! News (the people who did an amazingly lousy job of covering the Golden Globes) that the cod-rocker and Jenner have split, after courting for almost two years.

The funny thing is, is that shortly after this pair got together, they got tattoos of each other’s names on their pale, healthless skin. It’d be fun watching Lavigne trying to bite said branding off with her weird, pointed teeth.

Alas, the only person Avril has in her life now is her stalker. That’s it. There’s not only someone sad enough to stalk a barely famous person, but now, he’s the leading man in her desperate life.

In fairness, this could get really good for us leeches who write about celeb-misery.

See, when Tatu stopped being famous, they paraded around their videos naked and had photoshoots while naked and pregnant. The more desperate they became, the more outlandish their neediness was.

And so, we hope the same for Avril Lavigne. We fully expect to see some kind of leaked nude (she’s been holding that particular top-trump since she first appeared on the pop radar) and potentially some kind of drink-induced nervous breakdown, before finding solace in rehab (America’s confession booth).

Countdown to Avrilageddon starts…

…NOW!

(Just don’t tell her that Taylor Momsen has already beaten her to every attention seeking trick that a supposedly alt.girl can do, okay?)

Christ, we’re starting this year as we mean to go on, which is by turning up very late, slightly drunk, and not really having anything to say. So it’s a lot like last year really, except people might be taking things more seriously because we could all be about to die if the Mayans have anything to do with anything.

Frankly after all this hype we’re pulling for them. You can’t have an evolved civilisation and not be right about the end of the world, things just don’t work like that.

Characteristically we’re apologising for not doing anything for a whole 12 days, but you know we did spend £6.50 on one whisky and we watched New Girl so the recovery period was catastrophic if we’re actually over it yet (we’re not). But don’t worry your revitalised little hearts because nobody has done any music videos. Well some people did, but they’re just rude. Clearly anyone who is anyone is sitting at home and tweeting their well wishes to Beyoncé for having a child and then calling it Blue Ivy not Ivy Blue—a controversial move by the woman who thought a man who picked the last letter of the alphabet for a name was daddy material.

Sometimes it pays to be rude, so here are some videos that reaffirm your faith in how much you hate people. And, what with 2012 being the year of starting sentences with ‘and’ because we dare to defy your English teachers, by people we mean The Arctic Monkeys who you completely forgot existed didn’t you? Well they’re still around and apparently they have an album called Suck It And See.

Did you learn? Did you learn all about how Matt Helders can rock orange as good as anyone bar the entire cast of Con Air? It’s a fairly okay song called ‘Black Treacle’ and there’s little more to add than that, so we shout instead…

Bloody hell! It appears that this year is the year of continuing promotion for albums that came out ages ago which is exactly why whiny gits Death Cab For Cutie have a new song out! As you might expect it’s a bit, you know, whiny.

Hey! What’s this? It’s an acronym and acronym’s are always pretty daunting especially when they say “V.E.N.O.M.” Just remember that these are some lovely young chaps from Leeds and not mass murderers and you’ll be fully equipped to see ‘young’ men expressing their emotions via rabies and tie dye.

But who cares about that, once you realise that The Scissor Sisters are back? Did any of you care? Now they might have been gone a few years (roughly a million) but that’s no excuse for embracing electronica and rap and then just forcing them to penetrate each other continuously for four minutes; especially when the song is loosely paedophilic.

Yep, that was the video, it was a lot of children gyrating intercut with some shots of old men. That was it. If you didn’t hate it enough already then the worst person to ever win the NME ‘Cool’ list sing on the track—hence it being tripe.

Some other bands have videos out too, including one called The Slowdown who aren’t The Wanted or One Direction, but manage to look like both and they have a song called ‘Sex’ but, like us, you probably can’t be arsed more than anything you’ve ever not been arsed about. You could though treat yourself and watch this:

It’s so lovely. It was pitched as a short film by a real director and has real actors in who have been in things you pretend not to have heard of and love like Lovejoy and Mrs Henderson Presents, it even has a real narrative. It’s like young love but with old people and death and Alzheimer’s and stuff which is weird because we don’t think the song sounds sad, but we didn’t listen to the lyrics or anything, do people still do that?

Ringo Starr, quite possibly still going around warning everyone with ‘peace and love’, is opening and closing his mouth again, letting words tumble out and reminding everyone that he once provided the voice for Thomas The Tank Engine and friends.

He’s also nattering about his famous chum, Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently, the 10th best drummer in The Beatles (after John Lennon, Sir Macca, George Harrison, George Martin, Billy Preston, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Yoko Ono, Astrid Kirchherr and that arhythmic dripping tap in studio 2 of Abbey Road) is still in close contact with the only useful living member of the Fab Four.

Of course, you’d expect Ringo (real name Ringles Starrguitar) to still be in contact with a bloke he’s know since he was a whippersnapper. This isn’t news is it?

The news is, that they have no plans to work together any time soon… which is barely newsworthy in itself because Paul McCartney has a perfectly able drummer as it is.

Ringo told BBC Radio 2 presenter Steve Wright (who currently looks like a melted waxwork of David Gest):

“He surprised me when I was playing Radio City Music Hall, and he got up and he played ‘Birthday’, which I played with him because I wanted the opportunity to ply with him again, and he’s on the last record, he’s not on this one.

“We do hang out a bit but we’re not in each other’s pockets, and if the opportunity is real, I’ve played on a couple of his records, he’s played on mine.”

“We never sit there and say, ‘oh yeah we’ll put it together’, I’ll do ‘Yesterday’ and ‘Hey Jude’, he’ll do ‘Octopus’s Garden’.”

While that may read duller than ditch water, you should go back and read it out loud in your best Ringo Starr impression because EVERYONE is able to do a Ringo impression and it is NEVER not funny.

Elsewhere, there have been rumours that the living Beatles are to reunite and play at the opening of the 2012 Olympic Games in London this summer. Ringo’s not having it.

“There was talk about The Olympics last year, but I’m not here, I’m booked to tour America. I don’t know if he’s going to do it, but I’m off.”

He hates England, doesn’t he?