On Sunday night, the American Music Awards happened, which means Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, and Katy Perry were all in one place at the same time, which means they should have been pulling out all the stops to out do each other. There should have been pasties, thongs, dresses made out of tampons, and nipple tassels that said “NWA” on them! But did any of that happen? Oh no. Instead, everyone looked really fucking nice.?
I expect a lot from my music awards shows. Usually, there is some type of over the top fuckery that everyone is talking about for days afterwards, and for the past couple of years what someone wore has been the main piece of controversy. I mean, Miley wore that god awful Tupac and Biggie dress to the EMAs, Lady Gaga wore that dress made of meat, Katy Perry wore that awful gold grill, and Rihanna brought Chris Brown to the Grammys this year (ok, not something she wore, but still in poor taste given he beat the crap out of her before the Grammys just a few years prior. People don’t forget). But the AMAs this year? Nothing.
First, let’s start with Miley Cyrus. I think everyone was pretty amazed by her red carpet outfit: A simple white, fitted suit, with no top underneath, that was actually subtle and looked really nice. I wasn’t feeling those gold pins on the side of it, but overall it gave me a Bianca Jagger’s suit when she married Mick Jagger vibe, which I really dug.
Of course, Miley being Miley, she didn’t keep her pants on for long. For her performance, which was a little weird, but not even remotely controversial or really worth talking about, she once again wore some very unflattering underpants. This time they had cats on them and she sported a matching crop top to go along with them.
Now, before you go ahead and assume that I’m going to make fun of this outfit, I’d like to point out that I’ve been telling people how bad I’ve wanted that exact crop top (but in baby pink) for MONTHS! I legit sent a picture of that crop top to my boyfriend last month as a not-so-subtle hint of what I wanted for Christmas.
A couple of years ago when Miley was dressing like a skanky Angela Chase from “My So-Called Life”, I thought we were fashion soulmates, forever destined to live in 1994, and you know what? On Sunday night, for the first time in a long time, I felt like Miley and I were once again on the same page.
Speaking of bitches who pulled some Bianca Jagger-esque shit last night, let’s move on to Lady Gaga…
How am I supposed to hate on any of you or make fun of your fashion choices when you all come out emulating my fashion queen?! Lady Gaga is the face of Versace now, which means I guess she wants to look all high fashion and pretty, so instead of showing up in a shell bra and a thong, or with a weird hillbilly grill in her mouth, Lady Gaga showed up looking like this: stunning.
Her hair, her make up, her dress, even her “over the top” entrance, was pretty good. I mean, she didn’t wear an outfit made out of anything weird and she looked lovely. Between her and Miley, I almost died of shock.
Speaking of dresses that are made out of something, let’s just talk about Katy Perry for a minute. I want to know who let her into my Nana’s house so she could steal her fancy dining room tablecloth that she got at a flea market in 1983?! That shit is not cool, Katy!
Although I am obviously not a fan of Katy’s wardrobe choice (I never did like that tablecloth), she didn’t look so foolish or terrible that it would even be worth talking about (yet here I am talking about it?). Like her BFF Rihanna, she looked ok. Everyone looked really ok.
I really don’t know what to say about the AMAs fashion this year except that it was pretty much the fashion equivalent of the Steve Carrell movie “The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.” It was an ok movie, no one really talked about it before it came out, no one will really talk about it again. I liked it well enough, but I’ll never watch it again.