There’s a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now.

Why? Just look at her. She doesn’t just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin.

And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.

This question of whether or not Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are doing it isn’t going away, is it? Believe the tabloids and they either are doing it, were doing it but stopped doing it – probably because Robert Pattinson smells like arses – or that they’re so completely in love that doing it has become a routine chore that stopped being exciting to either of them long ago. Believe Robert Pattinson and they definitely aren’t doing it.

Who are we supposed to trust here? Hang on, there’s one person who nobody has asked yet. Kristen Stewart. She’s famous for her forthright manner – and her slightly horse-shaped head, although that’s less relevant – so why doesn’t someone ask her what’s going on?

Funny you should ask, because Entertainment Weekly has done exactly that. And Kristen Stewart’s response?

“I probably would’ve answered it if people hadn’t made such a big deal about it. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just fucking give your whole life away? Can I have your firstborn child?’… Okay, we are. We aren’t. I’m a lesbian. I’m just trying to keep something. If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor, I’d be like ‘Fuck off!’”

So there you have it. Kristen Stewart is doing it with Robert Pattinson. And she’s not. And she’s a lesbian. So that’s that cleared up.

Really, though, we don’t know why Kristen Stewart can’t just be honest about everything. She should think of all the New Moon fans – if they don’t know whether or not she’s doing it with Robert Pattinson, then how will they know whether or not to scratch her face off all their New Moon merchandise with a mathematical compass and then write the word ‘BITCH!!!!!!’ underneath it in Tipp-Ex? It’s inconsiderate of Kristen Stewart, that’s what it is.

But, still, we suppose we can see her point. After all, it can’t be nice to see your personal life become public property like this. Especially not when it happens two weeks before the release of the new movie that also stars the man who you’ve been romantically linked with, and all you’re trying to do is promote the film in any way you possibly can. Yes, that must be awful.

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New Moon will be released soon – so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here.

But there’s trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of  New Moon apart. Wait, did we say ‘threatening to pull New Moon apart’? Because we meant ‘coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon‘.

Our mistake.

The thing that girls like about Robert Pattinson is that he’s attainable. It has to be. Because it’s clearly not his haircut. Or his juddering lack of any charisma whatsoever. Or his personal hygiene. No, it has to be because he’s attainable. Girls think that they have a shot at Robert Pattinson because he looks like a mediocre, drawn-from-memory pencil sketch of a 1980s barbershop model. All they want to do is take him home, give him a shave, wash his hair and somehow try to mould his skull into something more recognisably human.

Our point is this – if Robert Pattinson ever went public with a girlfriend, his popularity would immediately plummet. And if he ever went public with a girlfriend who happened to star opposite him in the only films he’ll ever be remembered for, then we’d probably never hear from him again.

Which is a shame because, if reports are to be believed, Robert Pattinson is madly in love with Kristen Stewart.

And, yes, we know that this might not strictly be news – all the dinner dates and concert-based nuzzling that’s been going on between them lately has seen to that – but what is news is that the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might rip New Moon apart. Sorry, that wasn’t anywhere near sensational enough. Let’s try again: the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might RIP New Moon APART!!

That’s better. OK! reports:

A real-life romance between the two would subvert New Moon’s entire story line, and the studio brass want the Bella-Jacob spark to appear equally as plausible as the Bella-Edward relationship. “The producers took Rob and Kris aside and told them to keep their relationship under wraps for a few more months,” an insider tells OK!. “But they’re so much in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other.”

Yes, that sounds simply dreadful, doesn’t it? Imagine all the damage that would be done to the forthcoming New Moon if it was carelessly revealed in the run-up to its release that the film’s primary leads were engaged in some sort of romantic activity. Look how something similar wrecked the highly popular Mr & Mrs Smith and every film that Jennifer Aniston has made since people started liking her again. What a nightmare.

Really, what’s the point in hiding it if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really are together? After all, Twilight fans are emotionally mature enough to cope with something like that, aren’t they? Aren’t they, E! Online?

As [Robert and Kristen] left a show together [on Monday night], some drunken girl supposedly called our girl K.Stew “a bitch”—resulting in a Twi-fan-on-Twi-fan throwdown.

Oh. Oh, well good luck with that, then.

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The onscreen chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is what makes Twilight so popular.

Actually, that’s a fib. Sorry. Cynical marketing aimed at a notoriously stupid demographic is what makes Twilight so popular – Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have the onscreen chemistry of two learning-disabled second-hand toilet brushes after an extensive series of amateur lobotomies. But, hey, that’s just onscreen – offscreen Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totally doing it.

Probably. They went to a Kings Of Leon concert on Saturday and were photographed having what appears to be a little snog, anyway. Romantic. And sort of off-puttingly grubby.

Oh dear. Twilight fans didn’t need much of an excuse to hate Kristen Stewart as it was – after all, she gets paid to hang out with Robert Pattinson even though she’s got a face like a balloon horse – but now she’s really gone and done it. A set of photos from a concert on Saturday have given all the squealing teenage Twilight fans all the ammunition they need to legitimately hate her forever.

That’s right – Kristen Stewart likes Kings Of Leon.

We know, what a massive bitch. They might be the cackiest redneck U2 cover band on the face of the planet at the moment, responsible for a number of songs for people who don’t really like songs, but there she was at a Kings Of Leon concert in Vancouver on Saturday, sitting there clapping along to their stupid music and kissing Robert Pattinson and probably whooping every time that hairy Cletus of a frontman made a noise like a wookie Bono getting his ankle caught in a bear trap. It’s enough to make you sick. Kings Of Leon? Oh Kristen Stewart, how could you?

Anyway, the LA Times has decided to ignore this red hot ‘Kristen Stewart likes Kings Of Leon and is therefore an insufferable twonk’ angle to focus on the kissing Robert Pattinson thing, the idiots:

New photos have surfaced on RadarOnline from the concert in Vancouver, Canada. Robert and Kristen are seen EXTREMELY CLOSE to each other. According to observers, Robert, 23, and Kristen, 19, were having a great time together, smoking and drinking at the concert. And the buzz is that their interaction heated up when when KoL played “Sex on Fire.”

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart actually an item now? Let’s go on record now as saying that we really hope they are – if it puts and end to the jealousy and the food-eating and the tedious love triangles and the dreary denials and the alleged pregnancies, then great. We’re so keen for all that nonsense to stop that we’d give our blessing to Kristen Stewart if she decided to start having it off with a stoat in a tiny top hat.

Plus it’s a weight off Robert Pattinson’s mind, too – by getting together with Kristen Stewart he knows that he’s probably not the only Twilight star who crazed fans want to push into traffic any more. It’s a win-win, and you Twilight fans will see that once you’ve stopped cutting yourself and scratching the word ‘HOAR’ into every photograph of Kristen Stewart you can find.

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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have something of a ‘will they, won’t they?’ relationship. That much is clear to see.

By which we obviously mean ‘will they or won’t they find any form of meaningful acting work once they’ve finished starring in those terrible Twilight films?’ To which the answer, in all honesty, is ‘probably not, no’. But until we can find a definitive answer to that, let’s just arbitrarily speculate on whether or not Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are doing it with each other.

They both ate dinner alone together on Sunday, you know. Which definitely proves, um, something.

When Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart signed up for Twilight, they probably assumed that it was no big deal. After all, it was a cheaply-made movie based on a badly-written book that seemed to appeal exclusively to the mad-eyed home-schooled lonely teenager demographic. They’d make the film, cash their cheques and move on to another project that wasn’t so embarrassingly moralising all the time.

That clearly hasn’t been the case. As soon as Twilight became a movie, it became a smash hit with all mad-eyed lonely teenagers, not just the ones who spent their formative years being repeatedly told by their parents that the sun revolves around the Earth and that there was once a species of dinosaur named Jonathan. And, as mad-eyed teenagers are prone to do, they’ve turned Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart into the focus of their terrifying obsession.

Aside from making their own lifesized Robert Pattinson boyfriend dolls by finding a mop, giving it a deliberately bad haircut and dipping it in rancid animal sweat for hours at a time, the focus of their obsession seems to revolve around whether or not Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can ever replicate the love shared by their Twilight characters.

It seems unlikely that they would, since a) Kristen Stewart says that they don’t, b) Kristen Stewart already has a boyfriend and c) Twilight is a film about a sexy vampire and a beautiful schoolgirl, whereas in real life Robert Pattinson is a monotone dullard with a funny haircut and Kristen Stewart looks like a balloon animal of a bad-tempered horse.

But maybe, just maybe, there’s something going on between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, because following their success at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night, they both snuck off and had dinner together, as Radar reports:

After sweeping the MTV Awards Sunday night, Twilight duo Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted dining alone with each other at Cecconi’s, the newest Hollywood restaurant hot spot! So is there a romance budding between the on-screen lovers? Our spies tell us Kristen and Rob retired to their West Hollywood hotel and no one has seen them since.

So that’s it – conclusive proof that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are definitely having it off. Or they were briefly hungry for a small amount of Sunday evening. But definitely one of those two things. Or possibly something else. What a scandal.

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