New Moon will be released soon – so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here.
But there’s trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of? New Moon apart. Wait, did we say ‘threatening to pull New Moon apart’? Because we meant ‘coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon‘.
Our mistake.
The thing that girls like about Robert Pattinson is that he’s attainable. It has to be. Because it’s clearly not his haircut. Or his juddering lack of any charisma whatsoever. Or his personal hygiene. No, it has to be because he’s attainable. Girls think that they have a shot at Robert Pattinson because he looks like a mediocre, drawn-from-memory pencil sketch of a 1980s barbershop model. All they want to do is take him home, give him a shave, wash his hair and somehow try to mould his skull into something more recognisably human.
Our point is this – if Robert Pattinson ever went public with a girlfriend, his popularity would immediately plummet. And if he ever went public with a girlfriend who happened to star opposite him in the only films he’ll ever be remembered for, then we’d probably never hear from him again.
Which is a shame because, if reports are to be believed, Robert Pattinson is madly in love with Kristen Stewart.
And, yes, we know that this might not strictly be news – all the dinner dates and concert-based nuzzling that’s been going on between them lately has seen to that – but what is news is that the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might rip New Moon apart. Sorry, that wasn’t anywhere near sensational enough. Let’s try again: the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might RIP New Moon APART!!
That’s better. OK! reports:
A real-life romance between the two would subvert New Moon?s entire story line, and the studio brass want the Bella-Jacob spark to appear equally as plausible as the Bella-Edward relationship. ?The producers took Rob and Kris aside and told them to keep their relationship under wraps for a few more months,? an insider tells OK!. ?But they're so much in love, they can't keep their hands off each other.?
Yes, that sounds simply dreadful, doesn’t it? Imagine all the damage that would be done to the forthcoming New Moon if it was carelessly revealed in the run-up to its release that the film’s primary leads were engaged in some sort of romantic activity. Look how something similar wrecked the highly popular Mr & Mrs Smith and every film that Jennifer Aniston has made since people started liking her again. What a nightmare.
Really, what’s the point in hiding it if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really are together? After all, Twilight fans are emotionally mature enough to cope with something like that, aren’t they? Aren’t they, E! Online?
As [Robert and Kristen] left a show together [on Monday night], some drunken girl supposedly called our girl K.Stew “a bitch”?resulting in a Twi-fan-on-Twi-fan throwdown.
Oh. Oh, well good luck with that, then.
Amy says
BRILLIANT!
I’m still shocked that I even clicked on an article with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in the title but I did and now I’m happy. Thank you for this bit of hilariousness.
Jen says
I enjoy celebrity pictures but I have deliberately stopped reading all the negative gossip and speculations that seems to surround celebrities, thanks to their public relations firms, these days. It’s just junk and the new fad for PR people/firms. I guess they think that negative PR full of lies, gossip and innuendoes is what fans want to read. Well not this fan. So I will just look at the picures and enjoy them and the movies/music that the celebrties create and leave their private lives, just that, private!!!
Matty says
this is the problem with being a star…. No matter what you do or say it never is what’s right or what people think you should do… If they are together I think its great…If they are not I think its just as good… LOL Their personal lives should have nothing to do with the movie that they are filming…. People all over the world loved TWILIGHT and I think that they will love and support all other movies released with the same love and devotion whether Pattinson is in love or not…2nd I think they are both great actors coming into a lot more talent then what we have seen… Let a few more movies be released before you start to bash them…
Toya says
Okay, That was awesome it was good reading something that makes some sense to me. It was just hilarious! If they’re together? they’re issue my issue will the movies be worth paying attention to? So what if they’re a couple the weirdness they project sometimes makes me think they’re a match made in Twilight heaven. I need other work from Rob to assess him I am fan of this saga but I don’t enough attention is paid to the film it is all about them. What about the movie? That’s what I’m here for. Also sometimes I don’t like their attitude towards the fans,this is apart of your job and yes, some take it too far on the obsession level but actors remember without us giving you the adoration and buying the tickets where does it leave you. Think about that before snobbiness.
Muthamedia says
No rag is more F of S than “OK!” and while the black nails and fuschia haired crowd may suffer, there are enough of us that really wish them well. Let’s be realistic; no one is buying off on the Jacob & Bella thing anyway. I am happy people are at least reading books again.
j4 says
No,no,no,Mary…just because we buy the tickets,etc, does not give any of us the right to dictate their lives. It’s just like having a boss who pays you,they still can’t tell you how to live your life or change your lifstyle. These stars are Human beings, they are not our puppets…they a right to live their lives and keep their privacy..it is us “FANS” who have to back off. We hound them and pry on them 24/7 that’s not fair to them at all.
j4 says
j4 meant this comment for TOYA.
Dora says
Stuart
All you written about (the rumors) i.e. Robert does not bath, the hair etc.. is last year news. Stop hacking others ideas and come up with something OG. The relationship between Robert and Kristen is not news. The only thing it fuels is the fantasy of what the Twilight saga is all about. True love for eternity. The fans are just wanting the magic of what these stars inspired. The chemistry is real between them Robert and Kristen that what the fans are wanting to get close to made-be some magic would rub off on them. You write with so much envy about Robert, that obvious you are not secure in your own self esteem or looks. Try to be less transparent about your envy. Write about something interesting. About Robert and Kristen rip New Moon. As if… As long Robert and Kristen denieds their relationship the curiousity will go on. The pazzs will chasing them to get the pic that will be the big payoff. The fans will chase Robert because their don’t have a life. You get to rehash the SOS. because you can’t report a good angle.
TWILA says
ANYBODY THAT HAS READ ALL THE BOOKS KNOWS THAT BELLA AND EDWARD END UP TOGETHER…..HAPPILY EVER AFTER! DOES THE “STUDIO BRASS” THINK WE ARE STUPID ENOUGHT TO THINK THAT THE ENDING WILL BE DIFFERENT IF WE WILL BUY INTO THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN JACOB AND BELLA?? I THINK THEY MUST IF THEY ARE TELLING ROB AND KRISTEN TO KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW. THE ANTICIPATION OF THEM REUNITING AT THE END OF THE MOVIE WILL FUEL THE FANS ENOUGH TO SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE. ALL THE SPECULATION ABOUT THESE TWO IS BEYOND LAUGHABLE AT THIS POINT. THEY ARE A REAL LIFE COUPLE, OBVIOUSLY!!! STAYING IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM FOR DAYS?? THEY ARE YOUNG….THAT IS WHAT YOUNG PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY ARE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER WHICH THESE TWO SEEM TO BE. BUT, LIKE IN MOST HOLLYWOOD RELATIONSHIPS, HOW LONG WILL IT LAST??
Laurie says
I personally do not like these two together. I think Rob is too old for Kristen…She is a teenager for GOD sake…he is a young adult of 23 or 24 why is he dating someone so young. I guess it says a lot about him. I guess if she looked more like a women then a 13 year old boy I might think differently…But hey! I guess Rob likes it…I’m just saying. I think he needs to grow up (Peter Pan)…
shelley says
I’m sure Rob is BEGGING for his popularity to plummet!
AManda says
You are definitely WRONG…
Zoey says
Laurie-
So, rob shouldn’t be with kristen bc she’s a teenager? How does that make since? There is only a four year age difference. I always date guys older than me bc guys my age r stupid. What right do u have to say that rob is immature bc he is with a younger woman. I think that to be an actress in Hollywood u have to be pretty mature. It’s not like she’s going around leaking naked photos of herself or sex tapes. Sorry that she has too much self respect for that. And the thing about kristen ‘looking like a 12 year old boy’? So, all women should be curvy. There can’t be women that are on the petite side? I’ll have u know that I am on the thin side with hardly any curves and I don’t have trouble getting guys. A lot of ppl keep telling young girls that they shouldn’t have to be stick thin and are allowed to be curvy. Well how does that make the naturally thin girls feel? Exactly. And who knows, maybe rob likes his girls petite.
The whole point is that rob & kristen will do what they want and nobody has the right to degrade someone for their choices. Just bc they haven’t publiclly announced that they are dating doesn’t mean anything. They are both low key ppl. Do u go an send out announcements evertime u change boyfriends? No? Then why should they?
Zoey says
^^^^^LOL, sorry ‘make sense’… It’s hard to type on an iPhone when it wants to finish all ur words for u.
shooty* says
“DOES THE
shelley says
It’s convenient for these two to be together. They work together, they understand how the media is, papps, same schedule, (especially when the premiere comes out!) Then, Breaking Dawn will start filming.
Eclipse premiere, etc….If either of them had relationships with other people, they wouldn’t “get” it. At their age, there is too much jealousy. So why not? It works! When this whole Twilight nonsense is over, we’ll see….
JoeMomma says
Oh no, it’s the invasion of rabid teenage Twilight fans! RUN!
megan says
ok! you are r stupied. let them be.if anything the relashinship beween them is going to make new moon and eclipse much better because the love between bella and edward wont be fake it will be real
JoeMomma says
No, he’s Stu Heritage, not Stu Pied.
Or did you mean stewed pied?
On a different note, isn’t all this vampire teenager love just a whole play on daddy issues? I mean if he’s a vampire thats 100’s of years older and she’s like 12 isn’t that kinda icky? Maybe not if you have daddy issues?
lethe says
Umm. Does anyone get that this is satire?
lethe says
And anyway, I guess I’m REALLY out of it. WHEN did people start liking Jennifer Aniston again?
fleurbleue says
I just wanted to point out that Edward is not the first glittering vampire: remember Frank N Furter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Wouldn’t Rob be pretty wearing garter belts?
sparklyrob says
How do you know he doesn’t wear garter belts if he likes 19 year old girls who look like 13 year old boys?
Moniquerowe says
Some people are just way too ridiculous! If they are in love and want to be together than I think that is wonderful and I wish them all the happiness in the world! They are both adults and can decide what is best for them! Also they ACT for a living so I’m sure they can manage to keep their personal stuff out of it. I mean seriously it is their job to more or less pretend and fake things if they couldn’t do that well then why the hell would someone pay them to do it? Robert Pattinson is a celebrity and most likely will not just fall in love with some random fan girl so it would probably be a good idea to stop being so damn catty and stalker-ish. Everything will turn out fine, The movies will be fine and if not then so what? It won’t be the end of the world.
Tehy are going to ruin things.... says
You guys are all in the twilight zone….This relationship could ruin changes for Breaking Dawn…I totally believe that Rob can do alot better than that lifeless twit! I just care about the movies…nothing else! They can live together, be together whatever they want together but do it after these movies are over..I truly believe KS will ruin this man but that is my opinion..he truly needs to pull his head of her crotch and realise that she will move on to bigger and better things! She dropped MA really quick and jumped right on board with Rob..she is a sl.t and a bad actress and this will reflect on him in the long run! Rob have a couple of drinks pick up real women and move on man before your career blows up in your face!
Hannah says
OMG
It will not rip new moon apart
All twilight fans want to see rob and kristen together dont they?
If they really are in love they should show it? doesn’t matter what others say they should go for it.
Go Rob and Krsiten !
lisa says
I totally agree with you babez good idea to leave their private lives alone.
lisa says
hey that is so true the way he wrote his undeniabley jelous of our gorgeous,sexy robert going out with the pretty little kristen. ok i think that the writer needs to go and get a life and stop bitching about people’s private lives the fact that they are known by loads of people dosent give anyone the right to spy on them they need to live their live they way they find comfortable in order for them to make even cooler movies.
lisa says
guyz stop being stupid kristen doesn’t look like a 13 year old boy. she’s got boobs,and the sexy body she wants if she wants to be fat she would eat fatty foods
lisa says
i told you guyz that fans fancy him.shut up bitch ks is amaizing
Twihurt says
Don’t be an a**! Rob has no charisma?? LOL…are you kidding me?? What planet do you live on? Have you not seen his interviews over the last year? Read fan accounts of meeting him?? The body odor rumor isn’t true, as much as you want it to be, so you can drop it. You think Ok! magazine spouts the truth??? Could you be more gullible??? OR is it wishful thinking on your cynical, mean-spirited part? hmmmm I’ll go with the latter because you have to be at least semi-intelligent to write a blog, right? Yeah, one would hope. Fact: R/K are HAPPY together, happy to be filming in Vancouver, hate the pappz, love their fans (yes, both of them) and are allowed to do what they want. They are private people and not into flaunting-the KOL concert was NOT a publicity stunt-I honestly don’t think they thought the pappz could catch them there. Think Beyonce/JayZ, that’s more their style. And I’m not talking out of my a**, I get my info from a source close to the situation. So stop recycling false information in order to justify your own prejudices against Rob and Twilight. For the facts about celeb rumors go to http://www.gossipcop.com.
p.s. I will agree with you (shocker) that Summit’s silly for marketing New Moon the way they have, it’s kind of an insult to think if we don’t see R/K holding hands in public and attending events together that we’ll buy into the Bella/Jacob relasyh, which I never did while reading the books.
katrina says
thats good becuz i thought that they would be together off the move to
RPassface says
Jeeesuuuus! You people need to get a life. Who gives a shit if these two are banging their skanky, nearly non-existent asses together? Hopefully these two neanderthals can figure out how to use a condom so the world doesn’t have to deal with their hideous, charismatically and intellectually vacuous offspring. The girls will all look like 13 year old boys and the boys will look like trolls, just like their father! XD
Christal says
Well I hate to tell you this but I’ve seen Robert Pattinson in other movies he’s done before the Twilight “saga” stuff and he’s a great actor. He has a tendancy to pick quirky and/or serious roles and plays them very well.
halo says
does anyone have a barf bag, i don’t know what worse the schmaltz or the idiotic posters claiming “personal lives”
Personal lives my as@
Kristen Stewart GREW UP ON A MOVIE SET, BOTH HER PARENTS ARE SCREEN WRITERS. HELLOOOOOO ARE YOU IN TOUCH WITH REALITY..? No – ITS ALL ABOUT $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
God, these two are sickening… and the books suck
The snark is the only good thing about this article.
halo says
Let me gues Twihurt lives in Vancouver and is that evil witch KS publicist. R Patz is a capable actor, but these 2 are barf inducing.
Are you joking.... says
You are close to the situation…come on…give your head a shake…you make me laugh lololololololololololololollolol!
Totally agree.... says
About Kristen…but Vancouver is beautiful!
Totally agree.... says
Lisa are you sleeping with her…or just dreaming about it!
Totally agree.... says
Are you a sk..k like KS. Shut up already!
Totally agree.... says
Hear! Hear! Think of your fans before you go snobbing them!
eileen says
I adore Robert Pattinson. I think he’s a talented musician and actor and I’m happy for his success. Quite honesty, he’s the actor who carried Twilight together for me. His portrayal of Edward Cullen was exactly as I had imagined when I read the book but Kristen Stewart was not my version of Bella. I hope she fairs better in the next chapter, although New Moon is my least fave of the Twilight saga. I don’t care about Jacob, the wolves and I’m not interested in Bella Swan without Edward Cullen.
tasmin says
that is freaking hilarious!!!!! N e wayz i love twilight and i hope that they really do get 2gether. and if u think the gossip that surrounds them is stupid or annoying then dont report on it dumbazz!!! LOL.
lestat says
i think that all these are bullshit….if the two stars of the movie have a relationship,what’s the matter on hidding it? it is obvious that they are trying to find a way to be more mysterious and cause more anxiety and make fans go crazy or everything…i don’t know…the whole hollywood is mad…so…don’t try to make sanse of it.it’s not an approval thing, it’s a hollywood thing!i wish that twilight saga fans won’t get bored of it and like this story of the weird real romance between them so that it’ll be intresting for a long time …
lestat says
you are so right…i think it’s the best way to face hollywood life…!!!!!
yo says
really??? that’s your angle? she’s too youg for him?? human females tend to mature faster than males, that’s why most girls think boys their age are idiots. also, having the life these guys have makes you see life differently, they have a lot in common and 4 years is really not that much, most women go out with guys who are older than them.
Alexis says
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
in case u can’t read it: Oh my god