How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?

No?

How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.

We suppose some apologies should be given to Katie’s owner, Tom Cruise.

We’re not actually accusing the mother of your child of cheating on you while wearing a giant vegetable on her head (although, this is a very specific interest of ours and if you have any photos you’d like to swap with us, do get in touch), but rather, talking about a job she’s taken.

Apparently, Mrs. Cruise has been allowed out of the house long enough to get herself a nice part-time job and she’s agreed to play a promiscuous Jack-O-Lantern in a Halloween special of the pretty lousy (but not oddly likeable) How I Met Your Mother.

You know the one. The one with Dougie Howser in and that guy from Forgetting Sarah Jessica Parker or whatever it was called.

If you didn’t know – and why would you? You have the attention span of a nauseous gnat – the Slutty Pumpkin is a character that is wheeled out as a potential love interest Ted, to be bumped into at a Halloween party.

Or something. We weren’t paying attention either.

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Hey! Katie Holmes is married to slab of prime thetan, Tom Cruise. As you know, they’re both Scientologists, which makes them certifiably mad. Don’t argue. This is just a fact that’s as plain as the nose on your weird alien-believing face.

Of course, mad people have a myriad of odd symptoms and behavioural patterns. One such thing is to marry a man half your height.

Another is being afraid of an absence of light. That’s right! Katie Holmes is scared of the dark and probably screams in terror every time she blinks. That’s because she’s mental. We pointed that out already didn’t we?

So what scared Katie Holmes so much? Did she realise that, in the dark, Tom Cruise could be sleeping beside her with his weird staring eyes open?

No. It’s lamer than that. She’s frightened of a film she’s been in.

That’s right. She is scared of the dark after being a film she has read the script for over and over until it’s so familiar to her, she can recite the lines from it by heart.

Because of the remake of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (also starring Guy Pearce), she now has to sleep with the light on like she’s some kind of stupid baby.

Katie admits:

“I usually sleep with the lights on. When I read this script, I was scared and I had to turn on all the lights in my house.

“I thought I heard noises. And I held my child really close.

Still, nothing is as terrifying as Tom Cruise entering you and giving you his seed while shouting “THIS ONE’S FOR HUBBARD!”

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We’re not ashamed to admit we quite like Rob Lowe. We’ve forgiven him all that St. Elmo’s Fire pretty-boy nonsense now that he’s starting to look agreeably rumpled, he was good at striding down corridors and talking quickly on the West Wing and we’re impressed with his surprisingly good comic timing.

And be honest with yourselves – if you had the opportunity to simultaneously have sex with two members of the opposite gender, you’d make bloody sure you video-taped the event as well.

Although probably best to make sure they’re both of legal age and not let the tape get leaked to the press or anything. But do you know what we really like about him? He chinned Tom Cruise!

We would pay good money to have seen the moment when Lowe ‘accidentally’ launched the tiny, squinty-eyed chipmunk-toothed king of boring films Tom Cruise during the rehearsal of a fight scene on the set of 1983 movie The Outsiders.

What we don’t understand is why he’s only mentioning it now. We’d have been shouting it from the rooftops for the past 28 years. According to Rob, after ‘accidentally’ smacking Tom Cruise:

“We all beat the living s**t out of one another. We really did. I got one clean shot on Tom, and Tom is such a competitive lunatic – which is what I love about him – but the next thing you know he’s ready to kill me!”

It’s unclear who came out the better of this, as Rob went on to perplexingly state:

“He’s a whole lot of guy. It’s like the United States and China right now. If you treat China like a foe surely she will become one. It was all good.”

Really, Rob? Like, what?

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Hugh ‘It’s All About The Twiglets’ Grant is, and take this with a whole lake of salt, apparently being touted as a replacement for Charlie Sheen in the abjectly awful and heavingly unfunny Two and a Half Men.

It would appear that the actor-turned-paparazzi snitch started to be courted around a month ago by CBS boss Les Moonves and President Nina Tassler, knowing that, for some reason, Americans just can’t get enough of posh Englishmen pratfalling and pulling worried faces constantly.

And, the good news for Grant is that, even if he stint only lasts for one season and he hates working on an American sitcom, he’ll be able to comfort himself with a cheque for $1 million. Per episode. Even more baffling is that Charlie Sheen was getting more than that per episode when he was on the show. With $1.25 million per show, it is hardly surprising he could buy suitcases filled with weapons grade cocaine when it took his fancy.

Of course, Hugh isn’t the only person the studio are looking at.

Reports have linked Woody Harrelson, someone called Jeremy Piven and Rob Lowe to the Sheen shaped hole in the programme. However, it would appear that it is Hugh Grant that they’ve got their heart set on.

This will all be good news for the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre, who will want to work with someone who, essentially, isn’t Charlie Sheen. Basically, he’ll be thrilled at working with someone who doesn’t need 24 hours a day of babysitting and pats on the back in return for unending abuse and glassy, hallowed out eye sockets.

Still, we shouldn’t feel sorry for Lorre because he’s subjected the world to the spectacularly woeful The Big Bang Theory and we shouldn’t ever forget that.

Naturally, if Hugh gets to replace Sheen, we’ll have to draw comparisons with the two as they’ve both got a thing for mucky, hired sex. Remember when he and prostitute Divine Brown were arrested on lewd conduct charges? Those mugshots still adorn the hecklerspray hovel walls.

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We’re sure that everyone involved in the making of the criminally awful and unremarkable Two and a Half Men aren’t remotely bitter about what’s happened with Charlie Sheen.

We’re also pretty certain that the fact they want to carry on the show without him was a tough, heartbreaking decision they didn’t come to lightly.

But most of all we’re completely convinced that by considering and offering the role to a better looking, more talented, less sweaty and most importantly MORE IMPRESSIVE CELEBRITY SHAGGER, namely Rob Lowe, will not irk Charlie Sheen to the point where his head literally blows up like that baddie in Big Trouble in Little China.

Yes Hollywood bosses want  chin-tastic Rob Lowe to take over from Chuck ‘I messed this up big time’ Sheen and play the smug  jingle writing brother of Duckie from Pretty in Pink and of course the uncle of that fat kid who’s name we didn’t bother googling.

Ah…Rob Lowe.

You may remember Rob Lowe from such movies as Wayne’s World and The Outsiders. Or perhaps from TV shows like The West Wing and Californication. No? Well we’re sure you’ll remember that he was once in an underage girl and her mate in a Paris hotel room and cleverly taped it all before going to rehab and pretending to therapists he didn’t want to shag everything that moved anymore.

Well, until his nanny claimed that he’d been waving his penis around in her general direction and everyone went to court to shout at each other.

But we don’t care really. We like Rob Lowe and we kind of like the fact that Two and a Half Men is destined to be a sex fiend sitcom, where the main character can obviously only be played by someone who’s had the police at their door after sexy time.

Rob Lowe is essentially much cooler than Mr Sheen and everyone, including machete boy will also be aware of this. We are rather excited to see how the little mentalist reacts to the news.

Very publicly we hope.

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Ricky Gervais seems to be one of those people you either love or hate, or something inbetween.

As with any popular existence, he is subject to the normal animosity imposed by the group who are at present too cool to be a fan of a well-liked figure. Anyway, he’s got a DVD/Blu-Ray coming out of that Invention of Lying film he did, so to publicise it he gave a small number of interviews. One of them was with us, yay!

We also gave him the opportunity to plug lots of other things – see if you can spot them.

Hecklerspray:  So how’s your day gone so far, generally?

Ricky Gervais: (sighs) What do you want me to say?

H: Well… be honest.

RG: It’s a chore, it’s a chore (laughs).

H: Yeah? I imagine it would be.

RG: Why can’t people just watch the films and buy my DVDs and tickets without me having to do anything at all towards it? You know what I mean?

H: And why don’t celebrities want to have a chat with me without wanting to plug a product?

RG: I know – yeah exactly. We should just hang out and see if we get on before we try and plug my product.

H: And then maybe I’d suggest to people that they should watch the Invention of Lying

RG: It’s not even guaranteed, either. ’cause it’s not like I go “OK I’ll give you an interview but you’ve got to say nice things about it.” We could have an interview, I could be moaning and you could say, ‘not only is he a whinging f*cker but his film’s shit.’ It’s not even a guarantee.

H: The thing is, all the work is pretty much over for you after today. I’ve still got to review your DVD.

RG: Well don’t make it sound like such a chore, now I know what it sounds like, it’s terrible – whinging. Just get on with it; we’ve all got problems – Jesus Christ.

H: Alright, so you’ve got the Invention of Lying DVD coming out.

RG: (laughs) Thank you.

H: That’s out there now. The DVD menu, I’m not sure if you’ve looked at it, it’s probably the same as the cover [in appearance]. I haven’t seen the retail cover over here yet.

RG: Right?

H: They’ve done something to your face.

RG: Oh, airbrushing?

H: Yeah! Everyone’s basically whiter, but you…

RG: Not only is it airbrushed, but it looks like I’ve had reconstructive surgery.

H: I think… yeah…

RG: You know how it looks when they find a bit of a skull? And then they build the thing and they say this is what man would have looked like 5,000 years ago? It’s like that isn’t it?

H: So it’s an approximation of what you look like?

RG: (laughing) Exactly, yeah. It’s an approximation of what a British film star looked like in the year 2009.

H: Sort of stretched…

RG: Yeah, stretched, yeah. A little bit wide, yeah. A little less fat at least, which is good.

H: That’s true, the stretching does help.

RG: Yeah, exactly. It looks like I lost my eyebrows and I had to repaint them on like those old ladies do.

H: I didn’t spot that actually, I must admit.

RG: Yeah have a look at it – they sort of look light and fluffy.

H: I did enjoy the menu on the whole, mainly just because of that. So even if you don’t like the film…

RG: The thing is, they’ve airbrushed Louis C.K. and he still looks like a big fat ginger slob

H: But I didn’t think Louis, Jennifer or Rob looked that different to be honest, just a bit more ghost-like

RG: You don’t have to do a lot to Rob Lowe, he’s got the most chiselled… it’s ridiculous! He looks like an Action Man up close – his chin goes to a point

H: But what sort of utility does that have? Really? Apart from, I dunno…?

RG: Popping balloons at a kid’s party

H: I suppose maybe you could put cheese and pineapple on it, I don’t know.

RG: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

H: So the concept of The Invention of Lying, where do you draw the line of what’s a lie? Because obviously you’d decided there’s no movies, or fiction in that respect. But then at the other end of the spectrum, everyone seems to say exactly what they’re thinking even maybe when it’s not necessary…

RG: Err, well yeah, that was obviously… yeah. I mean, it’s a house of cards; if you look into it too much it’s gonna be impossible. The joke was, that everything is exactly the same, except no-one can tell a lie. Not only do they not know how to tell a lie, but they’ve almost got a Tourette’s. The comedy comes from just saying what’s on your mind as opposed to being able to keep it back, and obviously that’s the fun in it. They still wear shirts and ties and have buttons and zips and cars and radio, so that’s the sort of joke. It’s sort of like a Flintstones-esque world where everything’s the same but made of concrete.

H: Well I liked the film, I’ll say that now to put you at ease.

RG: Oh thank you. I liked the film as well.

H: Yeah?

RG: I liked the idea, I thought that was nice. I like the fact that it’s probably one of the most subversive films in Hollywood because it was described as a Hollywood rom-com, which I like.

RG: Yeah, exactly. And I don’t get paid for any of it.

H: Suicide bombers, in comparison, have it easy. They only have to do it once.

RG: That’s true, they don’t have to get up the next day do they?

H: (laughing) No… well… I better skip onto the Twitter questions ’cause I think we’re running out of time, ’cause I know you like Twitter. It’s funny how the media seemed to jump onto the fact that you leaving is now a backlash against Twitter.

RG: I love that! All I did… I mean I didn’t even know they were listening. I think I did two twitters was it? Or three?

H: I don’t know, I only heard about it after you left.

RG: I think I did two twitters, one was saying “Hi, they want me to tweet – I’m just testing it.” The second one was something like, “I went for a run.” The third one was, “I’m quitting Twitter because I don’t see the point.” It’s nothing against Twitter, I think it makes sense for young folk, the social networking and having a hobby. For someone in my position it was slightly undignified, it was getting close to living your life like an open wound. As far as celebrities chatting to each other in public, it’s like showing off.

H: It does mean that you’re now in the same exclusive club as Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter.

RG: What happened there?

H: Well she… I dunno… she was a big user and then she left, so now you’re featured in articles alongside her.

RG: I think you’ll find that the biggest proportion of the world don’t Twitter, so I’m in a not very exclusive club. I think you’ll probably find that 5.5 billion people don’t Twitter (laughs).

H: They don’t matter though, that’s the thing.

RG: Well OK yeah, I suppose the subset is people who did Twitter once now don’t any more.

H: Well there you go.

RG: I don’t know how many people of those there are, but I’m in that club yeah.

H: Maybe just two or three.

RG: What if I Twitter again? Then I’ll be in the club of people that don’t Twitter, do Twitter, don’t Twitter, DO Twitter. So now I’m really narrowing down the amount of people who’ve done that. So I might do one Twitter saying, “I’m Twittering again.” Then another one going, “No, only joking.”

H: Well, we’re transcending many levels of reality here.

RG: That’ll probably just be me in that club then.

H: Well if you do it enough times, yeah.

RG: Exactly.

H: The first question I got was, [@the28wall] “Can we expect any more audiobooks and podcasts from you and the lads any time soon?”

RG: Err, yes, there’s one out today.

H: Yeah, to be honest I knew the answer.

RG: Oh, you were setting me up for a plug.

H: No. Well, yes, basically. That was an actual question though.

RG: That’s the last one for a long time, that’s number 10 of our ‘Guides to‘. The Guide to the Human Body. Oh no! The last one is in a month’s time, and that’s The Guide to the Earth. This is number 9, and number 10 will be the last one for a while.

H: There’s a question from David Schneider, he says, [@davidschneider] “Can I have some of your money?”

RG: Err…

H: That’s David Schneider the comedian.

RG: Yes he can. But in a very roundabout way.

H: How would he…?

RG: Well because I donate 40% of all my money to the Inland Revenue, and they go towards building roads and hospitals and the police force. So if he ever calls a policeman to come round, then in a way, I’ve paid for a bit of that.

H: You’ve not started to keep your money offshore to avoid that sort of thing then?

RG: No.

H: That’s good of you, you’re giving something back.

RG: I’ve buried it all and bought a gun.

H: Are you going to guard that every night?

RG: Exactly, yeah

H: There’s another one, this says, [@delphatic] “Would you think of producing something like The 11 O’Clock Show so you could help other fledgling comedians make a break?”

RG: I probably wouldn’t, but you never know. Myself and Stephen are doing a bit of extra-curricular talent spotting and executive producing. We’re sending Karl [Pilkington] around the world at the moment for a programme for Sky 1 called Seven Wonders, we’re behind the scenes on that. We’re also developing a new show with Warwick Davis called Life’s Too Short.

H: Very clever title.

RG: Yeah, which is fantastic. So yeah, I suppose we’re being a bit Simon Cowell on the side, and we do it with American Office as well. That’s purely a sort of production/business mogul type venture. So yeah, it’s not out of the question.

H: OK, this is a question from Richard Herring (the comedian).

RG: It’s not really – this is not really from Dave Schneider and Richard Herring?

H: Oh yeah – they’re on Twitter. That’s the genius you see.

RG: Oh alright, OK.

H: Richard Herring says, [@Herring1967] “Can I have a million pounds please?”

RG: (laughs) Erm… err… oh dear… oh dear…Well, I think the honest answer is “no”, and the dishonest answer is “yes”.

H: Right, OK, that’s fair enough.

RG: I’ve covered my bases I think there.

H: [Agreeing] So you’ve got everything. The last question is from Dom Joly who says, [@domjoly] “Can you lend me some money?” There seems to be a theme here.

RG: There seems to be a theme here of other comedians pointing out that I’m richer than them, and I think implicit in that, is that I don’t deserve it (laughs).

H: Do you think they begrudge you? Is that what you’re saying?

RG: Well they’re all very funny, and thank them very much for their questions. They’re all rich! Don’t believe the hype! They’re all rich.

H: Richard Herring stays in Travel Inns.

RG: They’re rolling in it. They’re trying to keep their street cred – I lost mine. I lost mine ages ago. But then I had it more than them for the first 36 years of my life (laughs).

H: So you think it’s levelling out now?

RG: Yeah, exactly. My poverty was extensive, so over the years I reckon they’re richer than me; if it’s in how much money you’ve had divided by the number of years you’ve lived.

H: I accept that, that’s good maths. I think that’ll do.

The Invention of Lying is released on Blu-Ray and DVD on 1st February

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Now let’s be clear. Addiction is nothing to laugh at. Unless it’s sex addiction, because that’s sort of hilarious.

Oh come on, it is. Look at Tiger Woods. If he was addicted to heroin? Tragic. Drugs? Awful. Gambling? Upsetting. But he’s not. Tiger Woods is addicted to sex. He’s even gone to rehab for it. What sex rehab involves is anyone’s guess – we’d assume it’s a mixture of STD textbooks and pole dances from Lisa Riley from You’ve Been Framed – but sexaholism definitely is a real illness that exists. It is. You get it when you’re addicted to sexahol.

Don’t believe us? Fine – here are 10 horny-arsed celebrities who’d be only too happy to change your mind. Or hump your leg. One or the other…

10 – Billy Bob Thornton

Good old Billy Bob Thornton. In 2002 it was reported that he underwent treatment for sex addiction to save his failing marriage to Angelina Jolie, only to somehow end up screwing his sex therapist. And who can blame her? Just look at the stone-cold sexual charisma emanating from in the video above. That is charisma, by the way, not needless dickishness.

9 – Eric Benet

Look. Cheat on your wife enough times and you can legitimately claim to be a sex addict. But cheat on your wife Halle Berry enough times and the only thing you can legitimately claim to be is a total sodding arseblanket. Still, Halle Berry’s ex-husband Benet had counselling for an apparent sex addiction last decade – a process rumoured to be described in his songs Man Enough To Cry, Cracks Of My Broken Heart and I Blew My Marriage To Halle Berry (I Must Be The Biggest Wazzock Who Ever Lived).

8 – Kari Ann Peniche

Oh Kari Ann Peniche. You’ve been in a sex tape with the crap one out of Grey’s Anatomy. You were briefly engaged to Aaron Carter. You appeared on Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab claiming to be addicted to sex. But are you really addicted to sex, Kari Ann Peniche, or are you just so desperate to be on TV that you would have claimed to be addicted to rubbing dogpoo into your eyes if it got you a spot on Dr Drew’s show? The jury’s out.

7 – Rob Lowe

Listen, any opportunity to mention that Rob Lowe once filmed himself having it off with a girl who turned out to be underage is just peachy with us. Luckily, in an attempt to get his career back on track afterwards, Rob went to rehab to be treated for sex addiction. But even if he hadn’t, we probably still would have mentioned the sex tape. It’s just funny, alright? IT’S JUST FUNNY.

6 – Russell Brand

Russell Brand has never been shy about his sex addiction – he even dedicated a large portion of his autobiography My Booky Wook to describing how difficult it was for him to stop poking his cocky-wock into other people’s fanny-wannies. He’s engaged to Katy Perry now, though, so never let it be said that sex addiction will stop you falling in love with a vaguely mannish one hit wonder.

5 – JFK

Proving that it’s not just dreary golfers and tiresomely androgynous comedians who enjoy having sex a lot – president Kennedy apparently cornered Harold Macmillan and told him that “If I don’t have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.” Rumoured to have bonked Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickinson, Mary Pinchot Meyer, Judith Campbell Exner, Inga Arvad, Mimi Fahnestock, Marilyn Monroe, Blaze Starr, Pamela Turnure and your mum. Yes, that’s right, you heard us. Your mum had it off with JFK. In a car park. And she bloody loved it.

4 – Michael Douglas

Michael Douglas famously described himself as a sex addict in 1990. But he’s old now, so he’s probably only addicted to Werther’s Original, wetting himself and fearing the cold hand of death on his shoulder. Ha ha, human mortality is funny.

3 – David Duchovny

After starring in a television show about a sex addict, David Duchovny admitted himself into a sex addiction treatment centre in 2008 after his professional life spilled into his personal life. Maybe David Duchovny should star in a television show about a charismatic actor, and pray that the trick repeats itself. Who knows, he might end up starring in a film that isn’t completely awful that way.

2 -Tiger Woods

Apparently Tiger Woods had some sex with some women. You may have heard about it.

1 – Catherine The Great

Between 1762 and 1796 Catherine II ruled Russia, if not with an iron fist then at least with a cast-iron vagina. Catherine’s voracious thirst for sex was enough to make Tiger Woods look like Ned Flanders – rumour has it that she enjoyed affairs with countless young men and then died by being crushed to death while attempting intercourse with a horse. That last bit has never been proved – but what’s she going to do, sue us? Hardly, the horse-shagging old divvy.

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It’s hard not to feel jealous of Ricky Gervais, since he seems to have Hollywood in the palm of his hand. Not content with appearing in any old cinematic guff swimming out our shores, one cheeky snaggletooth smile and he is whisked away to star in… well, any old guff swimming out of the US.

Alas, the man from sunny Reading has managed to attract a whole host of star-wattage toward his latest project – The Invention of Lying. Taking on co-writing and co-directing duties, not to mention starring in the film, you may think that this film is just a rehash of 90’s Jim Carrey vehicle Liar Liar.

That wouldn’t be a far off assumption – jumble around the ingredients and you’re left with the only man who can lie in an alternative universe where only the truth can be spoken. Replace Carrey’s gurning antics with a repressed, reserved English lead and, of course, hilarity ensures.

Except not quite. Gervais does what is expected, although it’s hard to pin down exactly what that is without using the over-used, nonexistent adjective ‘Brentish’, but this role actually surprises by using a bit more range, even touching on emotional depth.

Still, as Mark, Gervais has to rely on the supporting cast to stop this feeling like an American holiday for one of the UK’s top comedians. Jonah Hill and Tina Fey make best out of all too short roles which could have, and would have, definitely welcomed expansion. Most of the interaction and humour comes from Rob Lowe and the gorgeous looking Jennifer Garner (We once said that Gone Baby Gone was the best thing Ben Affleck has ever done – we were mistaken).

The two play their parts well enough, although apparently in this alt-verse you are also partially lobotomised. All the characters seem to have no range or depth, walking around with child-like naivety and often repeating the same lines to hammer home jokes (at least we think these instances were jokes). It seems odd that Mark is the only person thinking on any logical level. Does the ability to lie also make one more intelligent? It appears so.

It’s not a film that needs to be thought about too much. After all it is a comedy. But it is a shame given how rich The Office or Extras was. The film just meanders around obvious jokes and a reliance on star cameos. The only stand-out jokes being more of the understated humour and not necessarily the expected over-the-top jokes.

This isn’t Gervais on top form. It doesn’t quite reach the potential and, for a film that relies on one joke, it doesn’t explore it as much as it should. Towards the end, when religion becomes the target, it seems wishy washy, not as ballsy as it proclaims and just gives up on it after an uninspired Jesus costume.

This isn’t a remarkable effort. Although it demonstrates some of Gervais’ best acting work, The Invention of Lying lacks in the scipt and direction. Perhaps Ricky wasn’t the talented one after all, maybe it is time we all hail the comedy master that is Stephen Merchant! It is not a bad film, but just enjoyable fluff – it’s not that we’re angry with you Ricky, we are just disappointed.

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Some things we’ll go to the grave not knowing. Like, for example, do people really watch Brothers & Sisters? Really?

Also, we’ll never know what happened between Rob Lowe and his nanny Jessica Gibson. Last year Lowe claimed that Gibson was trying to blackmail him and sued her, only for her to hit back with a countersuit, saying that Rob Lowe waggled his willy at her and kept trying to put his hands in her knickers like some kind of box-faced Benny Hill sketch.

Anyway, Rob Lowe and Jessica Gibson have dropped their lawsuits now so, long story short, pfff.

Try as we might, we’ve never thought of Rob Lowe as a particularly sexual person. Why that is, we don’t know – it could be because his face looks like it was built out of unusually smug Duplo, or it could be that he once filmed himself having sex with an underage girl and so thinking of him in connection with anything sexual creeps us the hell out. It’s probably the first one, in retrospect.

And that’s why last year’s malarkey between Rob Lowe and his nannies was so unexpected. You may remember that last year Rob Lowe sued all of his staff - some for allegedly swearing, some for allegedly having sex on his bed and then stealing all of his medicine and, in the case of nanny Jessica Gibson, for allegedly lying about giving him a massage. The lawsuits came as a surprise for three main reasons:

1 – It seemed like quite a heavyhanded reaction.

2 - We’d previously forgotten that Rob Lowe had ever existed, and

3 – Surely Rob Lowe would be too busy licking posters of his own chest while listening a tape recording of himself performing Mr Loverman by Shabba Ranks to notice it had even happened.

But more of a surprise was that Jessica Gibson countersued Rob Lowe, claiming that he liked nothing more than to flap his penis around at her and try and shove his hands down her knickers. What really happened between them? We’ll never know, because both Rob Lowe and Jessica Gibson have decided to drop their lawsuits. EW reports:

Both sides have reportedly requested that their respective lawsuits be dismissed, according to court records. Lawyers for both sides declined to comment to People, so it’s not known if a financial settlement was involved.

In many ways we suppose that a quiet, confidential end to this dispute is in everybody’s best interest. Particularly ours because every time we’re reminded of anything to do with Rob Lowe we think of this song and then we have to spend two afterwards hours quelling the urge to hurt people.

Anyway, it’s all over now, and both Rob Lowe and Jessica Gibson can get on with what they enjoy doing best. We don’t know what that is in the case of Jessica Gibson, but for Rob Lowe we’d imagine it probably involves covering himself in baby oil, drawing a pastel picture of himself riding a unicorn across a rainbow and trying to lick his own face. That’s just how we imagine Rob Lowe spends the majority of his time.

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If you thought the Oscars was purely about self-important film folk giving their fat egos a good, old stroke – you would be so right.

The way they jabber on when they get their awards you would think they are saving lives or something. Yeah, well done on doing your job and dressing up pretending to be someone you are not. Good job. But that is not the only thing it’s about.

It’s about laughing at celebrities. Hey, that’s the only reason we stayed up until stupid ‘o’ clock this morning to watch the damn thing.

Do you think our lives really hang on whether Benjamin Button got best make-up or not? Don’t think so somehow. What we really care about is who is going to make a fool of themselves during their acceptance speech. Or which actresses clearly got dressed in the dark.

OK, we also take sick pleasure in taking note of the ageing Hollywood stars which are about to keel over, but it’s mostly about laughing at stupid celebs. And just for your pleasure, we have come up with the best, err, sorry, worst moments in Oscars history.

Hugh Jackman – you almost made this list!!

Enjoy!

16. You really like Sally Field, no really
When: 1985

The oddest ever acceptance speech was by Sally Field when she won her second Oscar for the Depression-era drama Places in the Heart. It’s often been misquoted, but what she actually said was: “The first time I didn’t feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!” Everyone must have been thinking, ‘can we take it back?’.

15. Michael Moore goes on and on
When: 2003

Please shut up.

14. James Cameron is the **** of the world
When: 1997

James Cameron has never been one to hide away just how good he thinks he really is. So when he ‘jokingly’ repeated the ‘I am the king of the world’ line from his film Titanic no one took it as a joke.

13. Sean Penn has humour bypass
When: 2005

Note to Sean Penn – get a sense of humour. Actors are there to be shot at and when you have someone like Chris Rock on stage you can expect a few jokes at Hollywood’s expense. So when he asked the question: “Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I have seen in the last four years? Even if he’s not acting in it, if you look at the credits he makes the cupcakes or something,” it’s funny. Not to Sean Penn, who strode on to stage and announced: “Forgive my lack of humour … Jude Law is one of our most talented actors.” Seriously, get a life Sean Penn. If the pictures are anything to go by, Jude Law has a small part all the time.

12. David Letterman’s dog trick
When: 1995

OK, choosing David Letterman to host the ceremony in the first place was never a good idea. There was the inevitable Top 10 list, which we usually find about as funny as malaria. But then there was the moment he enlisted the help of an embarrassed Tom Hanks to help with a dog trick. Basically, the dog span around when everyone clapped – which, let’s face it, as an act would not even get into the second round of Britain’s Got Talent, never mind the Oscars. Suffice to say, the dog got more claps than the host. But it got worse for Letterman…

10. Vanessa Redgrave has a go at the Zionist hoodlums
When: 1977

You really have to know your audience. Having a go at the ‘Zionist hoodlums’ during her acceptance speech for winning best supporting actress for Julia was never going to win her many fans among Hollywood.
Surprisingly, she got booed off.

9. Marlon Brando goes Native American
When: 1972

Once again, making a political statement at the Oscars is pointless – it just makes you look stupid.
The worst example, of course, was Marlon Brando’s acceptance speech when he won Best Actor for The Godfather. Or should we say Sacheen Littlefeather‘s refusal to accept the Oscar on Brando’s behalf because of the film industry’s treatment of Native Americans. If that was not cringeworthy in itself, Littlefeather was not even an Apache Indian, but an actress. Good point well made Brando, you coward.

8. Come on and get it, Frank!!
When: 1934

Director Frank Capra must have been grateful the Oscars was not televised back in the 30s. Otherwise, he would have been top of this list, no problem. What can be more embarrassing than thinking you’ve won an award, only to realise it’s someone else with the same first name as you? That’s what happened to Capra when presenter Will Rogers opened up the Best Picture envelope and said: “Come on up and get it, Frank!”
Capra, assuming he was the only Frank who deserved the award (for the film Lady for a Day) proudly walked on to the stage only to realise that Frank Lloyd was the winner for the movie Cavalcade. D’oh!

7. David Letterman’s Uma Oprah
When: 1995

Just when you thought it could not get any worse for Letterman, he decides to introduce Oprah Winfrey to Uma Thurman. “Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah”. Hilarious, see.

6. Jerry Lewis is shot down
When: 1958

You would think that asking a professional ‘funnyman’ to ad lib to fill up an extra 20 minutes at the end of the show would not be a problem. Well, Jerry Lewis was so bad at doing it, producers ended up putting a short film about pistols instead.

5. Kojak, Mr Miyagi and Dom DeLuise sing together
When: 1986

Can you even contemplate the awfulness of that? It was the opening act for the 1986 awards night. Words fail us.

4. Phil Collins wins an Oscar
When: 1999

What kind of world do we live in when Phil Collins wins the 1999 Best Song Oscar for You’ll Be In My Heart from animated movie Tarzan? Famine, disease, drought and then this? What makes it worse is that South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut came out the same year.

3. Um, Jonathan, Um, Demme, Um, wins, um,
When: 1991

Um, best director Jonathan Demme’s acceptance speech, um, is, um, really, um, dull.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow’s annoying acceptance speech
When: 1999

Wail. Sob, sob. Gwyneth Paltrow’s sob-fest is the single-most annoying acceptance speech of all time. Made us cry too.

1. Oscars hits a real Lowe point
When: 1989

A camp Rob Lowe danced to the Creedence Clearwater Revival classic Proud Mary with a woman dressed from head to toe as Disney’s Snow White. It was so bad even Paul Newman and Julie Andrews wrote a letter of disgust to the Academy.

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A D V E R T

That’s it, we’re giving up this stupid blogging lark to become nannies at Rob Lowe’s house – it sounds brilliant there.

Why? Because a new chapter has been opened in the supremely entertaining he said/ she said lawsuits between Rob Lowe and his former nannies. Now a second former nanny has sued the Lowes, but funnily enough Rob Lowe’s name doesn’t really come up.

Instead it’s Rob Lowe’s wife Sheryl Lowe who’s been hit with the brunt of accusations, and they’re ones you’ll want to read. Assuming, that is, you like hearing about a sexually-curious naked woman describing the size of her childrens’ penises and showing Rob Lowe’s cockrings to whoever happens to be passing. You do like that, don’t you?

Every man knows that if you’re going to hire a nanny, you need to hire one you can trust to keep quiet when you get drunk and start trying you put your hands in her pants. It’s an unwritten rule, and it’s one that Rob Lowe seems to have forgotten about.

Maybe it’s because he decided to sue his nannies for a million dollars for incredibly vague reasons, but Rob Lowe and his staff seem to have fallen out in a big way. Although on TV with his stupid right-angled head and solitary facial expression Rob Lowe looks like a bit of a dullard, according to his nannies his house is like a scene deleted from Caligula for being too randy.

Right after Rob Lowe launched his lawsuit, a nanny named Jessica Gibson hit back with a countersuit claiming that Lowe had exposed himself to her and tried to put his fingers in her pants. But just before you start thinking “Oh, his poor wife,” it turns out that she might not be so squeaky clean either.

Another former nanny, Laura Boyce, has also countersued the Lowe family and, as TMZ reports, her lawsuit makes some pretty fruity claims about Sheryl Lowe, including allegations of:

- Walking around naked, completely exposing herself to Boyce.

- Asking Boyce about the size of Boyce’s boyfriend’s penis.

- Once saying “laughingly that her husband’s (Rob) cockrings were broken,” allegedly showing them to Boyce.

- Talking about the size of her children’s penises.

- After Boyce allegedly phoned to say she wasn’t coming to work because she was sick, Sheryl allegedly screamed Boyce “got strep throat from sucking nigger dick. I mean black dick.”

Well well, who’d have thought that a woman who married the alcoholic star of a notorious underage sex tape could be so kinky?

Rob and Sheryl Lowe’s attorney Larry Stein has already hit back at Laura Boyce’s claims in a statement, saying:

“Having struck out against Rob Lowe, Gloria Allred now seeks to drag his wife and children into the fray. In response to a lawsuit against Laura Boyce by the Lowes, Ms. Allred filed a cross-complaint on behalf of Boyce, which contains false allegations, in an apparent attempt to divert the negative publicity which Allred’s client, [Jessica] Gibson, has universally received. Although framed as a sexual harassment claim against both Sheryl and Rob Lowe, the cross-complaint alleges only words by Sheryl and never mentions any words or conduct by Rob whatsoever. The alleged statements by Sheryl are totally unrelated to, and do not provide any support for, Gibson’s claims against Rob.”

So it looks like we’re back at square one again. Who to believe – the nannies, who could just be bitterly inventing claims as revenge for Rob Lowe’s original lawsuit; or Rob Lowe, who’s already wrecked his career with a sex scandal once, and his penis-obsessed wife?

It’s a tricky one, and we’re sure the truth will eventually come out in court. And we’re fine with that, so long as a) it’s mucky and graphic and goes on for months and months and contains ever more degrading allegations that nobody can recover from and b) it doesn’t involve Rob Lowe having to model his cockring in public. The world’s just not ready for a harrowing experience like that yet.

Read more:

Nanny Claims Rob Lowe’s Wife Sexual Harasser – TMZ

As if the business of Rob Lowe suing three former employees for extortion wasn’t complicated enough, now there’s a doozy of a countersuit.

And we mean, it’s a doozy. Rob Lowe’s 24-year-old former nanny Jessica Gibson has hit back at Lowe with a lawsuit of her own that claims Rob Lowe alledgedly kept exposing himself to her, tried repeatedly to shove his hands down her knickers and grabbed her buttocks in all kinds of different ways.

This quarrel between Rob Lowe and his nanny is turning into an expensive game of he said/she said that’ll leave no reputations intact whatsoever. Having said that, though, perhaps it’s all a mix-up – perhaps Rob Lowe was only grabbing Jessica Gibson’s buttocks so he could see how dreamy it made his forearms look. That’d certainly make more sense.

We’ve always been under the impression that there’s something fishy about Rob Lowe. Maybe it’s the way his face is the exact dimension of a tortoise coffin. Maybe it’s the way his Visit California tourism advert seems desperately insincere. Maybe it’s the way he’s a recovering alcoholic who filmed himself having sex with an underage girl once. There’s just no way to find out for sure.

But when Rob Lowe sued his former nanny for a million dollars recently, it made even less sense than you’d expect it to. You’ll remember that Rob Lowe claimed that one nanny had told lies about an intimate relationship between them and was falsely claiming sexual harassment.That’s extortion.

Extortion is a criminal offence, but then Rob Lowe dismissed the help of the police when they offered to help him get to the bottom of the nanny’s claims. Which is unusual to say the least. Was Rob Lowe hiding something, you might ask?

Well, Jessica Gibson seems to think he is. That’s because Jessica Gibson is the former nanny who Rob Lowe is suing. And she’s now claimed in a countersuit that Rob Lowe allegedly exposed himself to her, tried to put his hands down his knickers and grabbed her buttocks. People reports:

Lowe, 44, the lawsuit… alleges, “placed his hand inside Gibson’s pants” several times from about Sept. 2005 to around Jan. 2008. The actor also allegedly grabbed her buttocks without her consent around Dec. 2007, according to the filing. In a statement read on Tuesday’s Today show, the Lowes’ attorney, Stanton “Larry” Stein, said: “Ms. Gibson’s older sister worked for the Lowes for 7 years. Ms. Gibson worked for the Lowes on and off for 7 years. She left at least 2 times, to pursue other jobs, and returned each time asking for more hours. She sent 2 emails the day after she left, both saying she loved the Lowes and her leaving had nothing to do with them but her heart wasn’t into being a nanny anymore. This is totally inconsistent with her latest allegations.”

So either Rob Lowe or Jessica Gibson is telling lies, but who? On the one hand, Rob Lowe’s behaviour around this lawsuit has been a little bit suspect, but on the other hand maybe Jessica Gibson is the liar here.

After all, being falsely accused of a sexual attack is probably every man’s worst nightmare. And what’s more: can you imagine Rob Low grabbing anyone’s buttocks? Of course you can’t.

That’s because Rob Lowe is too busy grabbing his own buttocks while looking in a mirror, yelling “Ow!” and snarling at himself in a creepy sexual way. That’s something we imagine that Rob Lowe does most days.

Read more:

Former Nanny: Rob Lowe Exposed Himself to Me – People

Rob Lowe will do just about anything to make people forget that he used to be an alcoholic who'd film himself shagging young girls.

So far these efforts have included an advert for the California tourist board and the TV show Brothers And Sisters, but neither worked – because a) he's not really very recognisable these days and b) it's Brothers And Sisters, for God's sake. Who'd watch that?

So instead Rob Lowe has tried a different tactic – he's suing all of his employees. And rightly so, because we know we'd rather go down in history as the man who sued people for having sex on our bed, finding us attractive and swearing at them for being the bloke from Brothers And Sisters.

Rob Lowe's decision-making process has long fascinated us, mostly because it's so flipping demented. Here's a man who, moments before having sex with an underage girl, thought "hold on, I'd better film this," a man who agreed to sing a toe-curling duet with Snow White at the Oscars, a man who – and this is just sick – is in Brother And Sisters.

However, it gets worse. Rob Lowe has got in a strop about two of his former nannies and an ex-chef. Fair enough – sometimes staff can be genuinely difficult, like when Robert De Niro's maid stole all his stuff – but that doesn't seem to be the case with Rob Lowe. Instead, Rob Lowe is suing them for a million dollars for all kind of reasons – vaguely involving extortion of some kind – with the main focus being on one former nanny in particular. People reports:

"In a 26-page complaint against the longtime former nanny, Lowe's lawyers say the woman claimed to have 'a personal and intimate relationship (with Lowe), and, in effect, accusing Rob Lowe of infidelity'. On at least one occasion, the nanny 'bragged' about giving Lowe a massage during a trip with the Lowe family, according to court papers. (The couple claims it never happened.) The woman also allegedly claimed that Lowe sexually harassed her and that Sheryl Lowe was an 'overly demanding' and 'abusive' employer, who made 'inappropriate comments of a sexual and racial nature' to her."

A million dollars for 'lying' about a massage? That's pretty heavy-going. However, if the claims are true then it sounds as if a million dollars is a fair price – because we'd imagine you'd have to crack on to Rob Lowe pretty heavily for him to stop rubbing oil into his own nipples while staring at himself in a mirror and winking long enough to actually notice you.

As for the other ex-nanny and the ex-chef, Rob Lowe alleges that one had sex on his bed, stole medicine from his bathroom and broke some security cameras, while the other one swore a bit sometimes.

Actually, whether or not Rob Lowe has a valid case against any of these people here isn't the most important question. The most important question is what a two-bit TV actor like Rob Lowe needs all these servants for. He's not exactly A-list, is he?

On the other hand, maybe Rob Lowe does need some extra help around the house. Those dishes aren't going to wash themselves, are they? Not while he spends all day pouting into the back of a spoon and imagining how great it'd be to kiss himself. 

Which is how we imagine Rob Lowe spends all his free time.

Read more:

Rob Lowe Sues Former Nanny, Claims She Had a Crush on Him – People