Gary Bettman, the weaselly grim reaper of the National Hockey League, is quite possibly the worst human being in the world. I know, I know, we have no shortage of options for that designation. Hell, we write about a whole lot of them right here on HecklerSpray. It isn’t like the celebrity world is teeming with actual well balanced role-models or anything.
Still, if I had to vote on the one person I would currently vote off the island – the island in this analogy being the entire planet of Earth – it would be this particular hollow suit. He helps represent everything that is wrong with human greed and, even worse, forces me to be on the side of millionaires – because the only thing worse than a millionaire is a billionaire.
So while Gary Bettman helps the NHL’s owners put a pillow over the face of North American hockey, remember that if you need a fix of ice cold action, the movie industry has you covered. At least nobody in that business are greedy vultures who want to make millions of dollars to add to their millions of dollars at the expense of the people who actually do the work.
No, comic book fans who have stumbled upon a hockey movie article on an entertainment news site by accident, this isn’t the inexplicably successful Rob “Someday I’ll Learn to Draw Feet” Liefeld’s government sanctioned celebrity superheroes. This is instead a movie about a young hockey player that needs to learn how to punch people in the face really hard before he can be successful. It also involves Patrick Swayze shaving Ron Lowe’s testicles.
I really don’t understand why more people don’t like this movie.
While picking a movie with Jean Claude Van Damme as a Canadian fireman who has to save the vice president and disarm a whole bunch of bombs during Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals might seem a little bit of a stretch, there is as much hockey shown here as there is JCVD kicking terrorists, and the Pittsburgh Penguins stupid looking mascot, right in their faces.
Of all the movies I’ve seen in the last few years that legitimately surprised me, Goon might have taken the cake. Which is sort of funny considering, as a hockey fan and somebody who was taught never to trust people with more than one first name, I didn’t really have any desire to see Stiffler try and make a crappy version of Slap Shot. Very, very rarely, I’m wrong about things. This was one of those times. What Punch Drunk Love was to Adam Sandler, Goon is to Sean William Scott.
Although if you are one of the handful of people who agree with me that Southland Tales was actually brilliant, you could say that was his Punch Drunk Love instead.
USA! USA! USA! USA!
Honestly, if this list were called “funniest god damn movies in the history of god damn humanity” I’d still have Slap Shot at number one. This movie came out 10 years before I was born and will probably still be hilarious to me 10 years after I’m dead. Even if you don’t like hockey, you’ll probably find a few dozen things to laugh at here, or at least marvel over just how brilliantly violent it is for a comedy. This is right up there with Spinal Tap, Airplane, Blazing Saddles, or whatever other movie you personally consider to be the funniest.
And I’m not just saying that because of my unconditional love for Paul Newman and his various dressings either.