9 - 32 songs in eight minutes! Woo! – Collegehumor

8 - Man fights kangaroo. Man wins – Fox

7 - Forrest Gump in one minute. Also doubles as The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button in one minute – Funnyordie

6 – Reese Witherspoon, Kiefer Sutherland and Geri Halliwell – Popsugar

5 - A post-orgasm guide for women. Leave your complaints below – Regretfulmorning

4 - AMPUTEE ELEPHANT! - Bestweekever

3 - Seven rubbish dinosaurs – Cracked

2 – And ten inept tattoos – I Am Bored

1 – Biggie Smalls + Thomas The Tank Engine = 400 years of sleepless nights for hecklerspray (Language alert)…

That’d be ridiculous. Nobody on the face of the planet – including the parents of both Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe – cares about Reese Witherspoon or Ryan Phillipe enough to retain the knowledge that they were even married, let alone that they got divorced.

And this has angered Reese Witherspoon. So much so that, three full years after her divorce, she’s decided to open up about it to Elle magazine. If you won’t read on, Reese’s summary is roughly: “Blah blah blah whine moan blah.”

You might see Reese Witherspoon on TV advertising Avon products, or doing whatever the hell else it is that she does, and think “My, that unfortunately-chinned millionaire must be having the time of her life. Why, she’s so wonderful that her career can even withstand her making an unpopular film about a girl with a pig’s face and an unpopular film about genuinely dreary CIA procedures back to back. Oh, I wish I was Reese Witherspoon.” But you’d be wrong.

You don’t want to be Reese Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon’s life is comprised of nothing but utter misery. In fact, Reese Witherspoon might have it tougher than any other human who has ever lived.

That’s partly because of her chin, partly because her day job seems to involve hanging round with Vince Vaughn a lot and partly because of her 2006 divorce from Ryan Phillipe, the star of… wait, um… no, it’ll come to us.

There are all sort of theories as to why Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe got divorced. Some say that it was because Reese’s Oscar-winning fame was emasculating to Ryan, others say that it was because they met young and drifted apart, while there’s also the school of thought that claims Reese Witherspoon left Ryan Phillipe because he was definitely banging another woman.

But the causes for the divorce no longer matter, because it happened three whole years ago and Reese Witherspoon has moved on with her life. She’s shacked up with Jake Gyllenhaal, she’s forging ahead professionally and – oh, hang on, no. Apparently it does matter, because Reese Witherspoon has just done an entire bloody interview about it with Elle magazine. People reports:

“When people get in your face and say, ‘This will pass,’ you think: Are they crazy? I’m never gonna feel any better than I feel right this minute and nothing’s ever gonna make sense again. And I still have moments where I’m like, ‘Nothing’s ever gonna make sense again.’” She calls the split in 2006 “very humiliating and very isolating.”

The weird thing about this is that Reese Witherspoon has decided to tear open her belly about her divorce for no reason at all. True, Monsters Vs Aliens is being released this month, but according to IMDb, Reese is only the seventh lead voice artist in that. People won’t even be able to scour her face for traces of divorce-related pain when it comes out.

No, Reese Witherspoon needs to learn to save this sort of thing for when she has her own movie out. And then she should start a fight with Ryan Phillipe’s new girlfriend. And then she should get her boobs out on the cover of a magazine. Doesn’t she realise that’s how Jennifer Aniston got to where she is today?

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But that poses a problem for us. This massive preoccupation with Oscars red carpet fashion leaves hecklerspray a little bit hamstrung – we didn’t send a photographer to the Oscars to take photos of the dresses, and we also don’t have enough money to pay the big picture agencies to use their red carpet photos.

However, this problem can be overcome with a little imaginative thinking. So join us after the jump for the first ever hecklerspray red carpet non-copyright gallery.

Oscars red carpet fashion has always been a bit of a thorny subject for hecklerspray. It’s one of the main reasons why people watch the Oscars in the first place – they certainly don’t watch to see Sean Penn drone on like a massive bore – but we’ve never had the resources to actually show any of the Oscars dresses to you.

Previously we’ve experimented with describing the dresses, but that didn’t work. Then we tried to be sarcastic about it and fell on arse again. But now, finally, we’ve come across the best way to tell you about the Oscars red carpet fashion even though it happened two days ago and you’ve already seen all the photos a million times before – the devilishly-accurate courtroom-style artist’s impression. Ready?

ANNE HATHAWAY

As you can see, Anne Hathaway brought a touch of old-school glamour to the Oscars red carpet with a shimmering Armani Prive gown covered in paillettes.

BEYONCE

As this picture perfectly demonstrates, Beyonce turned several heads on the Oscars red carpet with this daring House of Dereon number.

KATE WINSLET

Like a true fashion original, Kate Winslet combined a black embroidered Yves Saint Laurent gown with a coif to truly wonderful effect. This picture exactly reproduces her Oscar red carpet look.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Reese Witherspoon really set the cat amongst the Oscar red carpet fashion pigeons with this avant-garde Rodarte frock, which looked so much like this picture that it’s scary.

MILEY CYRUS

Miley Cyrus turned up the Oscars dressed like a poxy Christmas tree or something. Buggered if we know.

There, that should be your Oscars red carpet fashion taken care of for another year. But just in case you’re stupid and want to see some actual photos, Popsugar has an impressive large Oscars red carpet gallery.

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It just goes to show – at this time of year, moviegoers like nothing more than to snuggle down and enjoy lighthearted festive japes starring two of America’s most recognisable comic stars. That’s why Four Christmases has topped the US weekend box office for the second week running.

Well, it’s either that or because the most high-profile movie released on Friday was Punisher: War Zone, a film that looks as if it’s almost aggressively bumhole. Either one’s fine.

Two weeks at the top of the weekend box office? You know what this means – it means that Four Christmases is a hit! Reese Witherspoon must be so thrilled - Four Christmases is the first really successful movie she’s made since she won that Oscar for Walk The Line.

Hopefully now Reese has realised that she’s good at making this sort of lighthearted fluff and awful at making serious issues-based dramas that are put into production solely because she thinks it’ll get her an Oscar like Rendition. So what does IMDb say Reese Witherspoon’s next film will be? Monsters Vs Aliens. Sadly, that’s not the forthcoming knockabout 3D animated comedy, but a done-dry movie about the moral grey area that surrounds immigration control and human trafficking. Oh, Reese, will you ever learn? Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Four Christmases (Two weeks at the top of the weekend box office? Uh-oh – we smell a sequel. And that means we should all get set for Five Christmases, where Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon spend their Christmas day visiting Reese’s mother, Reese’s father, Vince’s mother, Vince’s father and Vince’s one-legged orphan boy lovechild who was oddly never mentioned in the first film. Mark our words) $18,180,000

2 - Twilight (Make the most of Twilight’s weekend box office success while you can, fans of abstinence-promoting vampire romances, for it won’t last for long – any day now JK Rowling is going to sign over the film rights to The Tales Of Beedle The Bard, and your weird little phenomenon is going to be blown out of the water. What’s more, it’ll be blown out of the water by something called Babbity Rabbity And Her Cackling Stump. Oh, the ignominy!) $13,197,000

3 - Bolt (A 3D remake of the Buzz Lightyear plot from Toy Story starring an animated dog with the voice of John Travolta. To save the cost of admission, we hear you can experience a fairly close approximation of the Bolt experience by getting shitfaced on fermented cheese and then falling asleep on a ghost train) $9,696,000

4 - Australia (Australia has yet to make the weekend box office impression that everyone hoped – unlike Madagascar, which has so far ratcheted up close to $165 million at the domestic box office. Australia had better pray that nobody releases a blockbuster movie called Greenland any time soon, because then Australia would be relegated to the bronze medal position of unusually large yet ultimately pointless islands with movies named after them) $7,000,000

5 - Quantum Of Solace (Still here? This isn’t a good sign – if 007 producers work out that their films do better if they’re obviously stupid, then we may as well accept that the next Bond film will contain nothing but James Bond kicking a dead cow in the eye and laughing at his own farts) $6,600,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

But Four Christmases isn’t just any old inescapably terrible Vince Vaughn Christmas film. No, Four Christmases is the Christmas film where Vince Vaughn and his co-star Reese Witherspoon apparently decided that they absolutely hated each other during filming, making the shoot a nightmare for everybody involved.

Except if you ask Reese Witherspoon about that, she’ll tell you it’s all hooey. Looking to dispel those rumours, Reese Witherspoon has come forward to say that she didn’t hate Vince Vaughn at all, and that he’s the funniest actor she’s ever worked with. Reese should be careful what she says; Jennifer Aniston once thought the same about Vince Vaughn and look what happened to her – John Mayer. Gree.

It’s Christmas soon, and do you know what that means? It means it’s time to go and watch a staggeringly disappointing Christmas movie where Vince Vaughn gets to play the exact same fast-talking character that Vince Vaughn has ever played, and there’s snow and stuff.

That’s right – Four Christmases is released this week, and it’s the perfect film for anyone who sat through all of Fred Claus and didn’t once feel like pulling their eyes out and pushing them up their bum. But only those people.

However, even though superficially it looks like Four Christmases is yet another movie where Vince Vaughn yammers away endlessly, falsely convinced of his own comedic genius, and then learns a sappy lesson about the value of family at the end, it also has its own USP. Four Christmases is apparently the Vince Vaughn/ Reese Witherspoon hate movie.

Last year it was reported that Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon were clashing furiously on the set of Four Christmases because Reese Witherspoon is an Oscar-winning actress who likes preparation and Vince Vaughn usually ignores the script to just blather “Hummana hummana hummana. Hummana? Hummana HUMMANA!” for hours at a time until he says enough words to allow an editor to individually splice the original line back together. Or something.

It didn’t sound like a happy set at all but, now that Four Christmases is actually being released, Reese Witherspoon has decided to deny everything. You know what? Actually she loves Vince Vaughn. AFP reports:

“Every co-star I ever work with I’m either having an affair with him, I’m about to get married with him, or having a baby or we absolutely cannot stand each other. We got along great, we were very good friends and we were very much partners on this movie. Vince is the funniest person I’ve ever worked with. It was a challenge for me to stay there and keep up with him. But I feel really a better actor for that experience.”

Wow, that told us. So, on behalf of everyone, we’d like to apologise to Reese Witherspoon. We don’t know where the rumours about you always hooking up with your co-stars came from. Certainly not from the time you married Ryan Phillipe right after Cruel Intentions was released. Or the time you got together with Jake Gyllenhaal, pretty much the first co-star you had after the divorce from Ryan came through. Certainly not those two facts.

And also, while we’re in hole-picking mode, it seems a bit unlikely that Vince Vaughn is the funniest person you ever worked with, Reese. Remember that you also made a film with Joaquin Phoenix once. And he is funny. Or he smells funny, at least. That’s the main thing.

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Us too, but it turns out that everyone was wrong about it – because Ryan Phillippe has just been interviewed in W Magazine and he revealed that he was so cut up about divorcing his vastly more successful wife that he literally didn't get out of bed for five months.

Also, according to Ryan Phillippe, "an outside person can never cause a divorce." So, lads, remember to keep that argument in mind for when your wife catches you boning other women. We hear that one's watertight from a legal perspective.

It must be hard being married to Reese Witherspoon. Partly because you'd have to wake up every morning thinking "That chin! What was I thinking?" and partly because she's an Oscar-winning A-list actress who – aside from that pants-looking Rendition movie she was in – can do no wrong while you're, well, you're just rubbish old Ryan Phillippe. 

Inevitably resentment is bound to set in at some point in that scenario, especially when you can tell that Reese is only faking her enthusiasm for Antitrust because she's too busy being America's Sweetheart. And that's why, when Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split up after seven years of marriage, it wasn't really a surprise to learn that it was probably because Ryan was having it off with another woman.

That was over a year ago, though, and Ryan and Reese have managed to keep a dignified silence about the divorce throughout, which happens so infrequently these days that it has to be applauded. Or at least it would have to be applauded, except that Ryan Phillippe has decided to blab all about how the divorce made him all unhappy inside for a while. According to E! Online:

Ryan Phillippe calls his divorce from Reese Witherspoon, after seven years of marriage, "the darkest, saddest place I had ever been." The actor, 33, tells W magazine, "There were a good four or five months of not being able to get out of bed. It was the worst time in my life." But that was then. "You get through it," Phillippe says now. "It's a process that's not easy, but I get less and less sad about it every day" … The reason for the breakup was "far more complicated and far less interesting than it's made out to be. To look and search for these salacious reasons, to pin it on a person, or a moment in someone's life, it's not realistic."

A few points about the above:

1) Is it just us, or is clear that Ryan Phillippe is doing his best to weasel out of the fact that his marriage went down the toilet because he was having it off with another woman? 

2) He stayed in bed for five months because he was so sad? How must that have made the girl he was having it off with feel, since he stayed with her after he divorced Reese? Pretty lousy, we'd guess. Also, to what extent did Ryan stay in bed for five months? Did he get up eventually each day? Did he only get up for emergencies? What if he needed a poo? Did he just hang his bum off the side of the bed, or did he just go wherever he happened to be lying? We need to know these very important points.

3) The divorce was "the darkest, saddest place I had ever been." Oh really? Try going to Chatham, pal.

Read more:

Ryan Phillippe Opens Up About Divorce from Reese - People 

It's been reported that Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon keep clashing on the set of Four Christmases, thanks to Reese's insistence that each scene is planned and perfected in advance being at direct odds with Vince Vaughn's preference to just roll up at the last minute and yammer stuff off the top of his head. One thing's for sure – Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn had better fall in line pretty quickly and decide whether they want Four Christmases to be hammy and overacted or lame and half-hearted, because if they're both pulling in different directions then the movie runs the very real risk of being neither of those things at all.

Woe betide any of Vince Vaughn's co-stars, that's our warning. Look at the evidence - Owen Wilson was in Wedding Crashers with Vince Vaughn and he tried to kill himself. Jennifer Aniston was in The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and they ended up doing it. We don't know which of those is worse.

And it doesn't stop there. Before she was in Fred Claus, Rachel Weisz was an Oscar-winning serious actress, but thanks to Vince Vaughn her latest film sees her babbling in one of the most badly-defined cockney accents we've heard this side of Ocean's Thirteen. So Reese Witherspoon had better watch out unless she wants to end up almost dead, sexually attracted to Vince Vaughn or cockney now that she's co-starring in a movie with him.

That's unless she stabs him to death first. Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon are starring together in Four Christmases, a movie about how hilarious it is to visit other people for Christmas especially when each of the people you visit is a broadly-drawn comedy stereotype except the last one who's probably a bit sad and heartbreaky. Four Christmases also stars Jon Favreau, Tim McGraw and Dwight Yoakim, but that's not important, because all the talk at the moment is about how much Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon hate each other.

The Vaughn/ Witherspoon clash is all to do with preparation, apparently. Reports suggest that while Reese Witherspoon prefers to rehearse and rehearse to define nuance and subtlety, Vince Vaughn likes to barge on set as the cameras start rolling and make up a lot of fast-talking nonsense that hasn't got anything to do with anything. According to a source:

"Vince rolls onto set in the morning looking like he just came in from a night out, while Reese will arrive early looking camera-ready. Then Reese tries to force Vince into blocking out each scene and running through their lines as Vince tries to convince her that he's an ad-libber and wants to play around and see where the scene goes. She's a one-take perfectionist and Vince likes to try it a few different ways. Sometimes Vince will be standing behind her and he has this look on his face that he just wants to kill her!"

It's a tricky predicament, that's for sure. One the one hand you've got an Oscar-winning actress and on the other hand you've got an actor whose instincts have been proven time and time again. Both have a perfectly valid argument and both also have the ability to tear the movie apart. That's a worry, but just think how much more of a worry it'd be if all normal people hadn't already been so turned off by Fred Claus that they've decided they'd rather bury their heads in a snakepit than watch another Vince Vaughn Christmas movie in their lifetime.

Read more:

Report: Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn Clash on Set – Fox