In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.

So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.

Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?

The formula 1 dullard has revealed that the pair may be getting back together following their split last month, which horrified precisely every single person on Earth.

Of course, with Sherz’ working in the thrilling drug-filled, oddity-magnet world of the music business (and TV too), everyone assumed that she couldn’t wait to get away from Hamilton and his grease-smelling gussets and macrobiotic lunches.

That’s rot.

Speaking to The Mirror, Lewis Lewis, oooh-ooooh, said:

“We still have very, very strong feelings for each other. It’s still very early days. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be together in the future.”

They won’t.

See, Nicole isn’t getting any young. In celebrity terms, she’s about 5,000 years old (in reality, she’s only 33, but fame multiplies your age in dog years) and the clock is ticking in her face, saying, IF YOU WANT CHILDREN YOU MUST DO IT SOON BEFORE YOUR UNDERCARRIAGE HEALS OVER FOREVER, TURNING INTO A BLEACHED, DRIED HUSK.

With Lewis Hamilton being about 5 years old, he’s not ready. Basically, Nicole is going to be dry-humping boring men who do want children while he looks on, crying into his tepid tap-water breakfasts.

Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.

He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.

And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.

Oh. Before we go on, we forgot to do the pun which we’re now obliged by law to write: X Factor? SEX FACTOR MORE LIKE!

Anyway, some source at Fox tells Heat that the judge and the host were actually told to get close earlier this summer, for the good of televisual chemistry.

The insider says:

“X Factor executives encouraged Nicole and Steve to build their chemistry, and get to know each other better over drinks”

“But since then, things have moved on.”

SEX FACTOR MORE LI… oh sorry, we’ve done that one.

And why haven’t they gone public?

The mole says:

“They can’t go public until they get the okay from Simon.”

You may laugh, but soon, we’ll all have to run our relationships by Simon Cowell… and Christ knows how difficult it is to get good praise from him without some terrible sob-story.

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Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.

Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.

With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.

The heartless Pussycat Doll went to her decade old computer, got the modem working and slowly tapped out a message with one finger and her tongue hanging out on twitter:

‘Lewis and I woke up this morning and read we were engaged! Sorry to disappoint u all but its not true ’

Note the callous, mocking, smiling emoticon used in the sign off. Nicole Shirtynougat is actively getting off on our combined sorrow.

What a cruel, cruel woman she is. Christ knows how Lewis Hamilton will be feeling about it all. There’s a good chance he’ll end up crying while racing his car, tears filling his helmet, leaving him to crash into a concrete barrier at 200mph.

That’ll probably be greeted by Nicole Shredzammo on twitter with a ‘ ‘ emoticon.

Even Schnappszingerburger’s father hasn’t been spared of the misery. He was gleefully telling the world’s press all about the thrill of this wedding.

Nicole Slappenbingo’s daddio, Alfonso Valiente, said:

‘You know about the proposal? Yes they are engaged! My future son-in-law is a really nice guy, really down to earth. My family all like him. The good spirit is there.’

Come Alfonso, join us as we weep openly on street corners and try to learn how to spell your daughter’s name so we can daub it onto crude banners proclaiming our sudden hatred of her.

THE HEARTLESS BAG!

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hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.

On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.

How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.

Is that because she has a better publicist than the others and goes out with a Formula 1 driver whose face and simpering voice are so ingrained in the national psyche that, to ignore his girlfriend, would be incredibly rude.

Let’s not forget though that Nicole and the Pussycat Dolls have sold millions of records despite the fact that their songs are the musical equivalent of being battered to death by a man in a beige overcoat wielding a raw Cumberland Sausage. Nicole also got out of a car on ITV in front of thousands of screaming plebs on The X Factor before sitting in front of said plebs being immensely polite and charming to people with only slightly less talent than her bandmates.

Her bandmates that she no longer speaks to according to an interview in Attitude.

Yes, that’s right! Apparently the Pussycat Dolls are still together! Who knew?! Who cared?! Not us, that’s for certain. However, the Pussycat Dolls’ split comes at a very useful time for Ms Scherzinger whose new solo album came out recently. It’s almost as if, by calling time on a band that no-one cared about or gave more than a passing thought to, it might help her own album sales.

There’s that exceptional publicist at work again.

The truth is that the Pussycat Dolls probably haven’t split. A massive movement which is actually the brainchild of someone else entirely is more than likely to survive the loss of Scherzinger and her preposterously large ego. Things like this never die. Look at the Sugababes. They’re now a Sugababes tribute band. The Pussycat Dolls are a highly lucrative and bloody irritating brand, not a girl group. They’ll probably be back.

Unfortunately.

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Let us begin with a little anecdote. Someone close to hecklerspray used to go out with a chap in the armed forces many moons ago. They met a fella in the barracks who was shyly strumming away at his guitar. So shy was he, that she felt compelled to say “Hey! Don’t be shy!” and encouraged him to play further.

That man was, and still is, James Blunt. Of course, various hecklerspray writers have since beaten this girl to death while screaming ‘You’re Beautiful’ at her because, essentially, his whole career is her fault.

So when James Blunt isn’t being crass rhyming slang, stopping World War III (if you believe reports) and being irritatingly charming on chatshows, what’s he up to? Well, it mainly involves getting off with women and, on this occasion, someone from the Pussycat Dolls.

Get ready to do one of those unpleasant little vurps.

James Blunt has been seen kissing Pussycat Dolls member Jessica Sutta, which of course, means that the gruesome duosome are probably dating, which means that, on a regular basis, James Blunt is getting erections and popping them inside someone who sings “Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” while he does it.

Of course, if she is his girlfriend, then the question being asked is utter nonsense.

Anyway, Blunt was spotted getting flirty with Jess in a Los Angeles nightclub after his show in West Hollywood or something. This is double horror. Firstly, you have to imagine what one of James Blunt’s shows is like and secondly, you have to picture him flirting with someone. Imagine his posh, adenoidal voice whispering grimly sexy stuff in your ear.

We reckon his breath smells like socks.

One eyewitness revealed to The Sun:

“They met up straight after James’ gig and hit it off like a house on fire. James instantly hit the bar and was buying Jessica drinks and was clearly smitten.

“By the end of the evening and a few drinks later, they were snogging each other’s faces off and very touchy feely before leaving together.”

The last time these two were romantically linked (back in 2005), Jessica From The Pussycat Dolls was on record as saying:

“There’s no way I’d date him.”

She’s clearly become more stupid in the past 5 years. Or desperate for someone with a shedful of a money.

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This just in: Kelly Osbourne can fit into fashion sample sizes and she has become as gleefully smug as she is thin.

Isn’t that just wonderful. The reality star, who lost an alarming amount of weight after being on Dancing With The Stars this year, has been on several shows talking about how she lost weight.

Mostly, Kelly credits not being a pig and lifting her buttocks off the sofa, one at a time, and working out for 30-minutes-per-day.

So, less pies. More butt lifting. Got that?

Her diet is so easy-to-follow that the 25-year-old is posing on the cover of a health and fitness magazine to show off her new figure and share weight loss tips.

For an upcoming issue of Shape, Kelly is posing in a bikini. Her first ever bikini. Seriously. She claims she never even thought about trying on a bikini before losing weight. You know. Because of all the pies. And she actually cried with excitement, as did those around her, when she first tried one on.

In her new role as thin Hollywood ingenue, Kelly notes that her peers are suddenly threatened by her. Being thin around other thin people will have that affect. Also, they’re always grouchy due to the lack of delicious lard in their diets.

Kelly was the real life equivalent of the perfectly-adequate-looking-friend with thick glasses and a ponytail who got sidelined in a movie until she shed both. Think Janey Briggs in Not Another Teen Movie. Specifically, Kelly says that her former Blackberry friends don’t want to come out and play anymore. They’re getting openly more nasty. Where they’d once say hello they’re now ignoring her.

From Showbiz Spy:

The 25-year-old star admits she is still getting used to her new shape and feels shocked every time she sees a picture of herself. “My weight? People don’t realise it’s as shocking to me as it is to them. When they open up a magazine and they see it… I’m still getting used to seeing me like this and the changes and the way that… it’s weird!” she said. “Girls in Hollywood don’t like you because you become competition. They have started to get much more nasty. You think, ‘Usually you say hi and now you don’t.’”

There’s no putting the hair back in a ponytail and the glasses are  long gone. She should just embrace it, get some ribs removed and really show people what she’s working with. Hollywood is pretty much just one giant high school where every one’s dating each other and girls are hyper-competitive and catty. We’re pretty much sure the rib-removal thing is the best way forward.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

Kelly Osbourne first appeared on the radar as a kinda-chunky potty-mouthed brat with daft hair and a house covered in dog-shit. Then, she releases a couple of singles and does a duet with her dad.

Then she almost disappeared.

Well, it seems that, in the interim, she’s been losing weight and now she wants us all to see it as a picture of her looking svelte in a bra appeared on Twitter. That’s not really that newsworthy… but the fact she joined the Pussycat Dolls is so weird that we really ought to relay it to you all.

The thought of Kelly Osbourne gyrating with the Pussycat Dolls goes against everything our puny little brains have ever thought. I mean, they’re the girlfriends of jocks right? Kelly is the snotty little punk in the toilets smoking tabs?

Not anymore. These worlds melded as one peculiar beast on Wednesday night in LA.

Apparently, Osbourne has been working hard on improving her body. She’s a size two these days. We don’t even know what that means. Is it like children’s shoes? If she goes lower does she end up in thirteens?

Anyway, she performed alongside the Dolls during an invitation only show at the Viper Room club… you know the one, the club where celebrities go and die.

She took to the stage wearing a flashy white sparkly corset, hot pants and fishnet stockings.

“It’s the first time I’ve really danced since filming ‘ Dancing with the Stars,’ but it’s so different,’ she said. “This isn’t stiff ballroom – it’s slinky and sexy!”

Robin Antin’s hybrid burlesque act invited Osbourne to join them and Antin wrote on her Twitter page:

“SNEAK PEEK of Kelly in rehearsal for Pussycat Dolls Burlesque Review! WOW, she’s so HOT!”

And then she posted this:

So there you have it. Famous person is now thinner than previous. Everyone continues their lives unchanged.

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The Pussycat Dolls are NOT splitting up. No. Definitely not.

If there’s one rule in pop music that is set in stone, it’s that news that bands are breaking up are immediately preceded by a denial that they are breaking up. So when a representative for Pussycat Dolls announced that, contrary to rumours, the band are NOT breaking up, they just substantially added to those very same rumours.

Pussycat Dolls famously made a career out of a single (Don’t Cha) whose subtext was ‘we’ll do that thing in the bedroom that made your girlfriend scream “eww, no” when you suggested it that night after you came back from the pub’. The Dolls’ founder Robin Antin explained that if they were going to split up, the news would come from him.

Not from singer Ashley Roberts who is alleged to have weepingly claimed they’d broken up in a recent visit to the UK. What would she know? Doesn’t she realise they have a third album, greatest hits and farewell tour to do before they’re allowed to split. IT’S POP LAW!

Pussycat Dolls are currently working out their differences (read: notice periods) recording their third album. Except they’re not splitting up. Not that any of this is particularly interesting anyway since Pussycat Dolls are a business product and Antin’s denial is no different from the CEO of a major corporation putting spin on 1st quarter losses in order to protect share prices.

This article really belongs in the Financial Times right next to an article about how iPods are definitely NOT blowing up and causing burn injuries.

[story by Simon Sharp]

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Nicole Scherzinger has spoken of her desire to get her man to take her up the aisle.

Clean that filthy mind, you! We mean an actual aisle in a place of worship and not the back passage way that all her other lovers have taken her down, with convincing talk that it would only sting for a day or so afterward.

Well, whichever well-lubricated aisle she had in mind, the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls has decided to get engaged around July, to her man candy Lewis Hamilton. Note to future gold diggers: just being with a man who is desired by many is not enough when you become rich and famous, “Greedy Bitch-itus” has to overcome you and you have to marry the boy too.

Not that from what it seems anyone has bothered to tell Lewis, but his girlfriend Nicole is desperate to wed him and sees the pair of them getting engaged, all official like, in the next few weeks. We are pretty sure at least one of you needs to be drunk and at least one of you has to actually have proposed, in order for it to be a proper engagement, but Nicole is not a details person she is an action person. She is not a damn thinker, she is a doer!

After all, she did not manage to rise to the dizzying heights of the “least ugly” singer in the Hot Tranny Mess Dolls from sitting around thinking all day. No siree. (She got there from scratching the furniture in her record bosses office and peeing on the carpet until they caved in).

Back to business, Nicole has spoken to a UK glossy magazine and says that in essence she is engaged in her own mind. Taking nothing as insignificant as the desires of her partner into consideration, the Doll revealed that she does not see why one would wait to marry when in love and that July in particular works for her to become engaged (hint, hint).

From Hello! magazine:

“Would I get married? For sure and, yeah, the Dolls can be the bridesmaids,” she said. “But I have to get engaged first. Late July is looking good.“Marriage is a seal of love. On my solo album I have sung about how much I love that and what the whole process would mean to me. Who needs a reason to seal their love?”

And you may like to know that, yes girls, pressuring a man to stay with you or in Nicole’s case propose to you is a fantastic way to keep him around. That won’t give him the heeby jeebies at all and if you want to do something extra-special to convince him of your love, you want to get “accidentally” knocked up as well… can’t hurt*.

*hecklerspray staff and management do not condone getting preggers to keep anyone around, or pretending to be preggers by stuffing cushions up your jumper/ drinking too much fizzy pop and pointing to your full belly and trying to convince your partner that way. Get yourself a kitten rather than a baby, they are much more fun anyway.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is just marvellous.

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Avril Lavigne has been called many things – ‘an irritating little twit’, ‘a moody, half-arsed performer’ and even (cruelest of the cruel) ‘married to that fat-faced one from Sum 41′.

What she seemingly has never been called though, is ‘too sexy’. Until now. Ahead of an upcoming tour around Asia, the youth wing of the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party have raised issue with the Canadian poplet with the dead eyes. For being too sexy.

The world can be a very odd place. Now, we understand it may be a more conservative way of life over there, but calling Avril Lavigne ‘too sexy’ is akin to calling Brooke Hogan a ‘purveyor of finely thought out political commentary’ – it just doesn’t fit. How, exactly, is looking really bored on stage considered sexy, even in a culture where sexuality is somewhat repressed, or hidden away?

Answers on a postcard.

But that is the route the complaint has taken, and it’s one that’s sure to raise some issues about the portrayal of pop stars, movie stars and those generally in the public eye as sexual icons. Either that or it’ll just get tossed under the rug with the rest of the comments that might actually raise some intelligent discussion about how artists become highly-sexualised commodities more with each passing day.

This is, as an example, the same Avril Lavigne that started out as a ‘pop punk’ girl, wearing rather modest shorts, normal t-shirts and singing about being tough in the face of her crappy little relationships, or something. Now she’s essentially a whore, dressing like a tart in order to get on TV as much as possible, singing about utter shite. It’s a clear, blatant marketing decision – as the old adage says: sex sells.

And now it’s getting her into trouble, so we can all laugh. Just as we did with the spitting.

Speaking to the Associated Press, a spokesman for the Islamic Party, Kamarulzaman Mohamed, said:

“It is considered too sexy for us. … It’s not good for viewers in Malaysia. We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.”

So who would the youth wing of the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party want instead? Well, according to the AP:

Malaysia requires all performers to wear clothes without obscene or drug-related images and be covered from chest to knees. They must also refrain from jumping, shouting, hugging and kissing on stage.

So, someone who doesn’t like drugs or obscenity, who doesn’t move much and who won’t want to get off with anyone in their audience? From the world of music?

In other words, not many artists play Malaysia.

The Pussycat Dolls did play back in 2006 mind you, which makes hecklerspray wonder what exactly the Malaysian government thought they were getting when they were booked. Whereas other groups and artists could conceivably be covered up, asked to tone down their lyrical content and to stay still, hiring a glorified bunch of strippers to do a live stage show was never really going to fall within the realms of ‘decent’.

But hey – who are we to comment? We’re always naked at hecklerspray.