Who is Nicole Scherzinger? The former frontwoman of popular
strippers singers The Pussycat Dolls? A mildly successful solo artist? A TV show judge? These are all appropriate answers. The most important thing one needs to know about Scherzinger is that she is a total nutcase.
I know a lot of celebrities like to reinvent themselves, but Nicole takes the fucking biscuit. I mean, she’s rarely the same person for more than a couple of months. Let’s take a look at the many faces of my favourite Michael Jackson impersonator.
Nicole rose to fame as a member of the Pussycat Dolls, a group of dancers with dreams of being in a pop group. The only issue with their plan was that they were all terrible singers, aside from Scherzinger. Not to let something so trivial ruin their chances of success, the label just had Nicole all of the vocals on the songs. She even sang her own back-up and harmonies. In fact, Nicole recently revealed that the 0ther members had never heard some of the group’s songs until the albums were complete.
Unsurprisingly, Nicole grew tired of supporting all of the other girls and decided make it out on her own. Her first single, ‘Poison’ was a pop stomper with a gloriously 1990s video. Her album, however, was something of a shambles. Each of the tracks are insipid and boring; giving the impression that her producers gave her the songs that Britney and J-Lo refused to sing.
After this refreshingly brief foray into a solo career, our Nicole was ready for her next venture. That’s when she landed the role of X Factor USA alongside robotic Brit Steve Jones. However, she didn’t enjoy that job too much, and decided to become a judge; pushing out Cheryl Cole in the process.
That’s when we discovered that – shockingly – Nicole was even more mentally deranged than noted pillhead Paula Abdul. During the live shows, Nicole would frequently get up and dance along to the contestants’ performances. Even though she was a professional dancer for a period of time, Nicole’s arm-waving and shimmying looked somewhat like a narcoleptic trying their best to stay awake.
Ms Scherzinger didn’t only embarrass herself with her horrendous moves, she also made some time to crush the dreams of children. The most delicious moment from her stint on the show was when she took the judges’ vote to deadlock, which resulted in this little girl being kicked off. The audible boos from the audience are better than any of the vocal performances.
Unsurprisingly, Nicole’s contract wasn’t picked up for the show’s second season. Britney Spears is less of a loose cannon apparently. In order to appease Nicole, Simon Cowell offered her a spot as a judge on the British version of the show. Well, us Brits were in for a shock.
We just thought she was the softly-spoken Pussycat Doll who was stupid enough to be friends with Chris Brown. What we discovered was that she either has a fairly serious drinking problem or suffers from chronic verbal diarrhoea.
“Shamazing” is one of the many words Nicole has coined on the show. Peppering every critique with malapropisms or portmanteaus, Nicole has certainly made her mark on the ever-struggling show. She is made yet more entertaining by flirting with every male contestant; no matter their sexuality or ability to have sex legally.
I know she may not be everyone’s cup of tea (get it, because she’s on a British show?), but I’m sure that the world would be a less fun – but probably safer – place without her in it.