Well now Boy George has more in common with them than ever. Because he too has been jailed for a crime that… oh no, wait, Boy George did chain that Norwegian prostitute up and threaten to kill him, didn’t he? In that case, ignore everything we just said.

Boy George has been sentenced to 15 month in jail for falsely imprisoning a manwhore. Logic states that he’ll be out in seven for good behaviour, but reality states that he probably won’t because he’s a dickhead.

When Boy George wrote Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, there’s a fairly solid chance that he wasn’t picturing a scenario in which a tattooed serial arsonist has got him pinned to the inside of a prison cell by his throat and is waving a rudimentary stabbing device close to his eye because of his reputation as a homosexual.

Which is ironic, really, since that’s probably how Boy George is going to be spending the next 15 months of his life. You see, Boy George has just been sentenced to 15 months in jail for the crime of a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will and loudly threatened to kill him that he was found guilty of last month. The Guardian reports:

Boy George was today sentenced to 15 months in jail for falsely imprisoning a male escort by handcuffing him to a wall and beating him with a metal chain. Passing sentence at Snaresbrook crown court, east London, Judge David Radford said the singer’s offence was “so serious that only an immediate sentence of imprisonment can be justified”.

Of course, at the time Boy George believed that he was well within his rights to chain a Norwegian manwhore to his wall, threaten to kill and then beat him with a chain when he tried to escape, because he honestly believed that the prostitute looked at his computer funny or something – an accusation that we also thought could be punishable by chaining and beating and death threats. Goes to show what we know, huh?

As the judge pointed out in his sentencing, this jail term will come at a considerable cost to Boy George. There’s a very strong chance he’ll never be able to perform in America or Japan again now, which is a double shame, because American and Japanese male prostitutes are renowned for their tenacity and endurance when it comes to being chained to a wall by former popstars who now closely resemble extraordinarily dour potatoes.

Since he was immediately sent to prison, Boy George didn’t get to pass comment on his sentence today, but last month he did say the following to gig-goers at a show in London:

“I like to think you can say a lot by saying nothing. I’ll just say this: none of us are defined by our mistakes.”

Which is dignified and poetic and everything but, if you can say a lot by saying nothing, you can probably say even more by screaming “Fucking whore! Now you’re going to get what you deserve!” into the face of a naked, petrified Scandinavian who you’ve chained to your wall against his will. And that’s what’s important.

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We’re being serious. It doesn’t go down well at all. Boy George, king of the bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, has been found guilty of handcuffing a Norwegian male prostitute to a wall, beating him with a chain and threatening to kill him, and now he’s probably going to jail for it.

It just goes to show – never copy Boy George. It was true when you decided to decided to grow those nasty white-boy dreadlocks and it’s true now.

Poor Boy George, he’s such a victim of circumstance. After all, who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven’t ever hired a Scandinavian male prostitute with the intention of making a number of pornographic photos together? We certainly have. We’ve done that very thing three times already today, and we’re going to use the resulting images on our Christmas cards.

So when Boy George decided that he wanted to make a load of gay porno pictures with Norwegian prostitute Audun Carlsen last year, nobody batted an eyelid. But the thing is with male prostitutes from Norway is that they’re notoriously unpredictable – something which Boy George understood and dealt with by handcuffing Carlsen to a wall. And beating him with a chain. And threatening to kill him, just in case all the stuff with the handcuffs and chain-beating didn’t really get the message across well enough.

Notice we didn’t use the word allegedly once there? That’s because it’s all true – our Christmas cards really are going to feature disturbing scenes of homosexual bondage and, after admitting that he used handcuffs to restrain him, Boy George really has just been found guilty of manwhore-chaining. People reports:

Boy George has been convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The singer looked grim as the verdict was delivered. The singer was released on bail until his Jan. 16 sentencing. Judge David Radford warned Boy George that he was likely to face jail time. “The fact that your bail is being continued does not imply that this will be dealt with by a non-custodial sentence. I don’t want any false expectations created.”

No wonder Boy George is looking a possible prison sentence. Jailing Boy George seems like the only sensible option, and not just because everyone knows that if you give Boy George community service, he’ll just run around hitting people with a broom and squealing.

No, we should think of poor Audun Carlsen here – he’s the real victim of Boy George’s crime. Getting chained up and beaten against your will is bad enough at the best of times, but knowing that you could be kept there forever or – worse – have to listen to any of Boy George’s solo albums is almost the dictionary definition of inhumane.

And think of his career prospects – by getting Boy George convicted of a false imprisonment charge, Audun Carlsen probably won’t be able to get any male prostitution work now. The poor boy will probably be reduced to… wait, what’s something that you can be reduced to when your last job involved being paid paltry sums of money to get bummed by chubby hasbeen singers? Is there even anything? No?

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Well, turns out it’s true. Partially – Boy George has admitted that he did handcuff Audun Carlsen up, and that he did hit him a bit, but only consensually. But Boy George swears that he wasn’t going to kill him, because a dead manwhore wouldn’t be great for his career.

Remember, Boy George once painted his jaw black and pretended to be David Bowie on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, so he obviously knows a great career move when he sees one.

You can tell that Christmas is coming. There’s a chill in the air, a sense of breathless anticipation in everyone you meet, and also Boy George has managed to cartwheel gormlessly into another fat crapload of trouble.

It’s becoming a tradition, you see – Christmas 2006 was when Boy George went to court because a) he wanted to show off the new Fat Bald Goth look he was cultivating and b) he’d been arrested for filling his house with cocaine or something.

Then Christmas 2007 was when Boy George got arrested for allegedly falsely imprisoning a Norwegian male prostitute by handcuffing him to a wall, beating him up with a chain and threatening to kill him and, now it’s coming up to Christmas 2008, it must be time for Boy George to go to court for that very thing.

So he has. And in a shocking display of honesty, Boy George has admitted that he did chain his Norwegian manwhore up to a wall in his house. But only because Boy George wanted to make a series of pornographic photographs with him and then got a bit paranoid because he thought the manwhore was stealing the photos from his computer. Reuters reports:

Singer Boy George admitted to police that he handcuffed a male escort to his bed and threatened him, but was not going to kill him, a court heard on Monday at his trial on false imprisonment charges. “I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs, so he wouldn’t go anywhere while I checked the computer. I certainly wasn’t going to kill him, that’s hardly going to do my career any good is it?” he told police.

So let’s get this straight – Boy George is in court because he didn’t want a glitter-covered Norwegian prostitute to make pornographic photos of Boy George public? And he might go to prison for this? This is all wrong – Boy George should be freed immediately. Freed and given the keys to the city. And a castle made of solid gold to live in.

Seriously – if Boy George hadn’t chained Audun Carlsen up and threatened him like he supposedly did, then do you know what we’d be looking at right now? Pictures of a fat bald goth who looks like he does a bit of bricklaying on the side standing around licking his lips with a funny little erection wedged between his fat little thighs, that’s what.

No, by making sure that those photos stayed private, Boy George has saved us all from blindness or madness or both, and we should all shake him firmly by the hand for that.

Well, OK, maybe not literally shake him by the hand. Not unless we want to catch Norwegian hand-syphilis or whatever it is that these manwhores pass about. But, you know, we can bump elbows with him or something.

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That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and it’s been the making of her. Since being named as the prostitute who led to the downfall of former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré has become a megastar. She can’t even leave her house anymore without people recognising her and shouting encouraging messages like “I know you! You’re that whore!” and “Hey Little Miss Grubbyknickers! Here’s some money! Eat this!”

In fact Ashley Dupré is now so famous that she’s got her own episode of 20/20 coming up where she gets to reveal that she doesn’t feel responsible for Eliot Spitzer’s resignation, the emotions she experienced as the scandal unfolded and the way that she feels ‘connected’ to Eliot Spitzer’s wife – which we think might be code for crabs or syphilis or something, though we couldn’t say for certain.

We have to tip our hat to ABC at the moment. We don’t know how it’s doing it, but somehow it’s managing to find all the stories that everybody cared about half a year ago but don’t any more and give them all super-long documentaries for no apparent reason whatsoever. ABC, you deserve a medal.

Seriously, thanks to you we’ve learnt all about Peter Cook’s divorce from Christie Brinkley several months after it stopped being interesting, and we’ve learnt all about the pregnant man long after he stopped being even vaguely controversial – so what now? Oh, that whole ‘Eliot Spitzer banging a whore’ thing! Nobody’s thought about that since about April, so it must be time to drag it all out back into the open again, right?

Apparently so. Despite doing her best to lay low since being implicated in the vice ring that brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer by only being endlessly discussed by Donald Trump and appearing on a low-rent soft pornography DVD and almost getting her own TV show, Ashley Dupré has finally decided to break the silence that we’re told she’s apparently been keeping on a special edition of 20/20.

Perfect. This Ashley Dupré interview will have something for everyone, provided that a) you’re into the human interest side of political scandals, b) you’ve been in a coma since April and all of this still seems like news to you and c) prostitutes! Woo!

So what shocking and still completely newsworthy nuggets of fact does Ashley Dupré reveal in her 20/20 interview? ABC has more. And remember Ashley, extra points if you can phrase your answer in an unfortunate way:

Dupré told ABC News’ Diane Sawyer that she does not feel responsible for Spitzer’s downfall. “If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else,” she said. “I was doing my job. I don’t feel that I brought him down.”

Very good. That was an impressively unfortunate way for a prostitute to discuss one of her clients. Full marks, Ashley.

But what of the future? Well, even though she’s so famous that she could probably live quite comfortably on a handful of blowjobs a year now, in the interview Ashley Dupré reveals that she has actually quit whoring to concentrate on establishing her singing career full-time.

It’s foolish for Ashley Dupré to want to switch from being a prostitute to being a pop star – the two professions are so far apart. After all, being a pop star involves brutal, near-constant degredation that saps your will to live and often leads to habitual drug use and grotty bunk-ups with middle-aged men who promise that they’ll help your career and… oh, wait.

Ashley Dupré’s going to be a brilliant pop star.

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Yesterday Kerry Katona won five-figure damages from The Sunday Mirror after it claimed that her mother was about to write a book claiming that Kerry was a massive prostitute before she became famous. Which obviously isn’t true for a number of reasons.

Firstly, anyone who’d consider buying a book by Kerry Katona’s mum about how Kerry Katona was a hooker is obviously stupid to the point of illiteracy, which tends not to be a good demographic to market books to. Secondly, and most importantly, Kerry Katona can’t have been a prostitute because most men would rather attack their own genitals with a claw-hammer than pay Kerry Katona cash to touch them with her hands or mouth.

Kerry Katona has been several things in her life – singer, actress, reality TV show star, fat idiot – but she has never ever been a prostitute. That’s because she’s already a bipolar, chainsmoking, recovering drug-addict who’s been held up at knifepoint and is in the middle of a vicious custody battle for her children that’s humiliatingly being played out in public. Being a prostitute on top of all that would just be over-egging the whole ‘bad mother’ vibe, wouldn’t it?

However, that didn’t stop The Sunday Mirror from claiming that Kerry Katona used to be a prostitute back in June. Actually that’s not strictly true. Rather than claim that Kerry Katona used to be a prostitute, the paper claimed that Kerry Katona’s mother was writing a book in which she’d claim that Kerry Katona used to be a prostitute. Which is completely different.

However, the article – given the headline ‘Betrayed by Mum: Kerry’s mother dishes the dirt in explosive new book’ – was still wrong enough for Kerry Katona to march the paper to court and get a great big stack of libel cash out of it, as The Sun reports:

David Price, mum-of-four Kerry’s solicitor-advocate, told London’s High Court the claim was “completely false”. He added: “Sue Katona has never alleged that the claimant worked as a prostitute.” He said the claim “particularly distressed” Kerry, 27, as it allegedly came from her mum, “giving it added credibility”.

In fact, more than writing a book about Kerry Katona’s hooker days, Old Ma Katona hadn’t even written a book or got a publishing deal in the first place. That sort of makes sense, because if Sue Katona is the woman responsible for making Kerry Katona the woman she is today, then we’d expect her manuscript to basically be just three sheets of dribble-covered Crayola scrawls. Although we could be wrong. Nobody sue us.

Besides, Kerry Katona doesn’t need books written by opportunistic third parties to reveal how much of an intrinsically terrible person she is – she’s already got her own MTV reality show, and that does the job perfectly well thank you very much.

So Kerry Katona has definitely never been a prostitute. That’s good news for Kerry but bad news for Iceland. It’d already planned out its next advertising campaign, you see, centred around Kerry Katona standing on a street corner in a miniskirt, leaning into cars to offer dirty old men bags of cook-from-frozen chicken strips and then being beaten up by her pimp.

No, now Ashley Dupré gets to be on TV because of it as well, the lucky cow. Although up until now she was most famous for being the high-end prostitute who had sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer until he had to resign because of it, Ashley Dupré is apparently in talks to star in her own reality TV show.

Honestly, she is. As yet nobody seems to know if Ashley Dupré will star in a Simple Life-style fly-on-the-wall reality TV show or a Tila Tequila-style dating show, but at the moment the latter seems to be out in front. Quite right too, because that’s the only way that they’ll ever get to use the title Ashley Dupré: Who Wants Me To Kiss Them With The Same Mouth I Recently Had Wrapped Around A Bald Old Man’s Penis For Cash?

Kids, if you’re reading this then there’s something you should know. You’ll never accomplish anything by working hard. Maybe you’ll wind up with an anonymous middle-management job in a generic strip-lit office, but you’ll never really accomplish anything. For that you’d probably be better off becoming a whore.

That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and things are working out just dandy for her. Because, thanks to her gainful employment spent charging thousands of dollars for a series of businesslike, slightly depressing bunk-ups, Ashley Dupré is a megastar.

After news of the Spitzer scandal broke and she was outed as a hooker, Ashley Dupré has been busy fending off professional advances from Donald Trump while trying to keep a video of her whapping out her underage boobies from being released. She’s not a whore, you know. OK, technically she is a whore, but… look… oh, we’ve lost our point. She’s a whore. We think that was it.

More than that, though, Ashley Dupré is a whore with a reality TV show in the pipeline. What a lucky whore. The New York Daily News reports:

Ashley Dupré, 23, has been negotiating with Los Angeles-based Handprint Entertainment on a reality show, possibly one focusing on her dating men for free, E! News Online reported. The program would require Dupré to move to the West Coast, E! News claimed. “They’re talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila,” a source told E!

We honestly hope this reality TV show thing pans out for Ashley Dupré, because it would make our day to see her in a dating show. Just think of the demographic it’d attract – the exact venn diagram overlap of grubby blokes who don’t mind going on TV to publicly compete for the affections of a woman who lets men dick her for money and grubby blokes who want to sleep with prostitutes but can’t afford to. Genius.

And if Ashley Dupré can salvage her reputation with a reality TV show, then maybe Eliot Spitzer can do the same. Best of all, he’d probably do it for scraps of food at the moment.

There's an old saying that goes 'An Englishman's home is his castle, and if he ever wants to imprison a Scandinavian male prostitute in his castle against his wishes then that's probably OK'.

But sadly it seems like America, the so-called land of the free, has got some issues about people chaining male prostitutes to their walls and vaguely insulting them for a bit. Just ask Boy George.

Boy George is just about to set off on a tour of America, except that now he can't get a visa because of his upcoming prostitute-chaining trial. Not that Boy George should worry too much, though. We know for a fact that there are plenty of other countries who'll give you visas no matter how many terrified manwhores you've chained up to a wall in your sordid little sex dungeon. Um, we read that in a book or something once. Ahem.

These days you can get banned from America for just about everything. If you punch people you get banned from America, if you're a terminally habitual drug user you get banned from America, and now it seems that if you might have chained a prostitute to a wall once you get banned from America as well.

Weirdly, though, if you're Fearne Cotton you can just breeze through passport control without a care in the world despite your numerous atrocious crimes against humanity. It hardly seems fair at all.

And this utterly illogical immigration system has messed up Boy George's plans something horrible. All he wanted to do was go to New York and give a free concert to all the binmen who he managed to ritually humiliate by spazzing out like a girl that time he was forced to do community service with them, but now even that's been taken from him.

Why? Because there's a possibility that he chained up a Norwegian male prostitute in his house last year. Did we mention that? We did? Oh, whatever.

Although he denies the charges, Boy George's false imprisonment trial is set to start later this year. And because of that, Boy George has been denied an entry visa into America. We can see why – as far as we're able to tell, America is full of fat bald gay men with oddly-painted faces who enjoy nothing more than chaining prostitutes to their wall and threatening them, so there's a chance that Boy George might just blend into the crowd and never return – but Boy George is getting quite worked up about it, as the New York Times reports:

Boy George was “devastated” and that “George is astounded at the decision and is having lawyers here in the States look at it in the hope that someone will change their mind.” … The statement said, “George has not been convicted of anything in London, and there is a presumption in the Western world of innocence until proven guilty.”

Well, that's partly true – the presumption is innocent until proven guilty, unless the accusation involves chains, 1980s popstars and frightened homosexual prostitutes from Norway, in which case it's funny to just mention it as many times as possible regardless of how true it is.

So Boy George won't be going to America any more. And, as rough as Boy George has got it, it's not him we feel most sorry for. No, it's the New York binmen who won't get to see Boy George's concert any more. True, there's a chance that an alternative act who's also done community service with the binmen will be shipped in from overseas to compensate, but if that happens it's likely to be Naomi Campbell, and those poor refuse workers will be lucky to escape with their lives.  

And if a scandal about you being a massive whore with a slightly gross-looking New York governor isn’t bad enough, the inevitable follow-up story about the way you took your clothes off for a teen-exploiting series of softcore videos is just utterly degrading.

That’s why we’re fully behind Ashley Alexandra’s decision to sue Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for $10 million because he quickly released a 2003 video of her flashing her breasts in the wake of the scandal as a money-making enterprise. She’s completely correct – if she didn’t chase Joe Francis for cash, then what kind of filthy prostitute would Ashley Dupre be? A shit one, that’s what.

Britain’s Got Talent, American Idol, that rubbishy Graham Norton thing about Oliver Twist – all those contestants are deluding themselves. All they want is fame, and they’re going about it the wrong way. Statistically, the chances of you winning X Factor are minuscule – you stand a much better chance of becoming famous if you fuck a politician for cash, everyone knows that.

Ashley Dupre knows that, anyway. Every since she was uncovered as the prostitute at the centre of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, she’s been everywhere. Her face has been in newspapers constantly, the songs on her MySpace page have been thoroughly analysed – play them backwards and we’re told you hear “$500 for straight sex, or $1,000 to put it up my bumhole” – she’s been approached to appear in porn magazines and even Donald Trump’s got his eye on her.

So if Ashley Dupre plays her cards right, she might become the most successful prostitute since those women who Jack The Ripper stabbed to death. Especially if that $10 million lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis comes off.

You see, back in 2003, Ashley Dupre was filmed by Girls Gone Wild dancing around and flashing her breasts a lot. Nothing wrong with that, you might think – even sleazy overlords of morally-suspect softcore porn empires have to put dinner on their tables – but now Ashley Dupre says that she was filmed when she was just 17. And everyone knows that 17-year-olds don’t know anything about contracts. Especially, as the New York Post reports, when they’re blasted off their minds on booze:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre filed a lawsuit Monday in Miami federal court claiming she never gave “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis permission to use her name and likeness to advertise the videos. Dupre contends she was 17 and not old enough to sign a contract when the videos were taken in 2003 in Miami Beach. People.com said the lawsuit is for $10 million, and alleges that reps from the nudey video empire plied her with alcohol before getting to flash her breasts when she was only 17.

$10 million dollars is a vast amount of money for anyone, and our calculations suggest that Ashley Dupree would have to keep a man’s penis in her mouth for 2,500 hours – about three and a half months – without rest to earn that kind of cash normally.

But who knows what the outcome of this lawsuit will be. Maybe Ashley Dupre will win, maybe the judge will rule in favour of Girls Gone Wild and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to write an article about something other than underage nudity sometime soon. That way it wouldn’t take as long to scrub the shame from our skin at the end of the day. Some days we think we’ll never get clean.

Read more:

ASHLEY DUPRE SUES ‘GIRLS GONE WILD’ OVER PICTURES – NYP

And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade.

The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer's harlot a gig on his new reality show.

We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it's produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.

Say what you will, But Donald Trump knows how to make money. For those of you who may doubt this, take a look at his hit TV show, his real estate business, his casino, and the fact that at the 2006 World Fair his booth where you could pay to lift his hair and look under it made over $3 billion alone. Not bad seeing as he would have only sat there two hours. Also take a look at the prostitutes that work for him – there's money right there.

We know what you're thinking – 'The Donald must have gone hip hop,' but rest assured he hasn't. He's still the same Rosie hating, Mills hiring, Miss America almost firing guy we've all come to love ever since Bloom County brilliantly stuck him in the body of Bill the Cat. What we're saying is this – Trump's not hiring prostitutes in a pimp sort of way, probably because proper pimp-grills don't fit over his teeth. He's trying to hire prostitutes to make them horny and famous. Not so much horny.

Specifically he's trying to stick Ashley Alexandra Dupré, the long-in-the-face hooker who we think Owen Wilson's character was based on, with a reality TV gig. As reported in the Daily News:

"Donald Trump is hoping to land New York's tramp of the moment, gubernatorial hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupré, for his latest TV venture. In the show, a modern version of "My Fair Lady," girls gone wild are sent to a charm school, where they undergo a strict course on debutante manners."

Careful there Donald. Hookers are only good for two things – being the subjects of lonely fat people's poetry and housing pubic-flies.

Neither of those would be worthwhile in an hour-long weekly format. Careful Donald.

Read More:

Donald Trump Wants Spitzer Call-Girl For New TV Show – Blogging Stocks

You see, it's been claimed that Boy George fell prey to that age-old male prostitute mix-up where one person thinks you both just want some cursory, meaningless, soul-destroying sex and the other one just wants to chain everyone to a wall against their will and threaten them for a bit. We've all been there.

Except that Boy George says didn't do any of that – at Snaresbrook Crown Court yesterday, Boy George pleaded not guilty to false imprisonment. Lucky his charge wasn't Looking More And More Like Phil Collins With An Underactive Thyroid, because then they would have thrown away the keys.

Professionally, nobody's heard that much from Boy George in recent years, and that's mainly down to his poor CV-writing skills. Yes, we'll admit that his Past Achievements section is pretty good – between 1982 and 1987 he's put 'Global Iconic Megastar' – but it's his Interests profile that's stopped him from getting work. 'Painting the underside of my chin black to make me look thinner' and 'chaining male prostitutes to walls against their will'? What the hell? Why can't Boy George just write 'socialising' like everyone else?

Only, actually, Boy George says he doesn't chain male prostitutes to walls, against their will or otherwise. Even though in November he was arrested for chaining a male prostitute to a wall, Boy George is adamant that he's not guilty of chaining Norwegian male prostitute Auden Carlsen to a wall and teasing him by probably pointing out that he's a Norwegian male prostitute chained to Boy George's wall. The Telegraph reports:

Boy George has pleaded not guilty to a charge of false imprisonment… Dressed in black and wearing dark glasses, the singer was listed in court under his real name George O'Dowd. During the 20-minute hearing, O'Dowd spoke only to confirm his name, state his not guilty plea and say he understood the terms of his bail. The singer spent time talking with lawyers before leaving the court building, thanking fans who turned up to offer support. He said only "no comment" to waiting press before leaving in a black Volkswagen people carrier.

Although this might have seemed like a low-key appearance, Boy George is actually setting up a full trial quite nicely. The Boy George prostitute-chaining trial looks set to be our OJ murder trial, our Salem witch trials, our Nuremberg – albeit with slightly more focus on a fat bald bloke who might have chained a male prostitute to a wall for a laugh.

Of course, it's far too early to predict how the full trial will swing – but surely we can't be the only ones hoping that Boy George is convicted but only sentenced to an extended period of community service. Because we could all learn a lot from the grace and poise that Boy George shows when he's forced into menial work as a punishment for his crimes.

Oh, who are we kidding? We just like watching fat bald men throw temper tantrums in front of the world's media.

Read more:

Boy George pleads not guilty to chaining charge – Telegraph 

Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we'd chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we're basically just following in Boy George's footsteps, but we'll also be acutely aware that we'd probably end up in court for it – as Boy George has found for himself, since he's just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn't – we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.

February 25. It's a date we all celebrate as Ric Flair's birthday or the day when Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev denounced the actions of Stalin in his speech On the Personality Cult and its Consequences, but as of next year February 25 will go down in history as the date that Boy George's trial started for the time that he may have chained up a Norwegian manwhore against his will.

It was an inevitability that Boy George would end up in court at some point in February, though, because that's how he likes to spend that particular month. In February of this year, for example, Boy George went to court to face charges of cocaine possession and was subsequently ordered to sweep up New York as a punishment; something that Boy George took like a man. A giant bald angry man throwing the world's most awkward temper tantrum, yes, but a man nonetheless.

Next February, though, we're not so sure that Boy George will get away so lightly if he's convicted of the charge he's facing at the moment. And that charge, like you need telling, is the charge of chaining Norwegian male escort Auden Carlsen to a wall in his house and then threatening him a bit on April 28 this year. Boy George was charged with hooker-chaining earlier this month, and this morning he was in Thames Magistrates' Court learning that he's going to face a full trial for it next year.

According to reports, Boy George only spoke to confirm his name and date of birth during the hearing, and then left in a silver vehicle without talking to anybody, much less stopping to chain up anyone vaguely Scandinavian-looking and then tease them until they were sad, which was either proof of Boy George's innocence or a crushing disappointment depending on who you are.

Quite what the trial will involve – we're guessing that Boy George will try the time-honoured "He bloody loved it" defence – or how long the trial will last is anybody's guess at the moment. Plus, given Boy George's previous encounters with courts, we wouldn't be surprised if he keeps trying to push the trial further and further back as the date approaches.

That remains to be seen, but we'd just like to be the first to publicly declare our interest in becoming jury members for the trial. This is for the following reasons: 1) Forming a verdict in the trial is the closest we'll ever get to chaining up a male prostitute, at least without paying some sort of subscription fee, and 2) We promise that we'll definitely find Boy George guilty regardless of the evidence. We still haven't forgiven him for ballsing up an entire episode of The A Team, you see.