It's been quiet for the tabloids this week. Things have gotten so bad, they've been forced into covering politics! Admittedly their coverage of the Labour leadership has been more like the video for Two Tribes by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but with Liam and Noel Gallagher cast as the cold war leaders.
There was such a severe dearth of decent celeb-stories for them to cover that The Sun reported the revelation that Kate Moss was taking Folic Acid, popular amongst hopeful and pregnant mothers, by having a page long banner calmly announcing ?KATE?S ON ACID?.
The Daily Mail accused Madonna of being undignified and not acting her age because of some saucy Dolce & Gabanna pics, although when Helen Mirren is pictured scantily clad, it's a triumph for the representation of older women everywhere. The Mirror decided to dedicate a front page to Coleen Nolan almost having her arm ripped off (known in some circles as not having her arm ripped off) when handling a pony, the content of which amounted to a more sober ?ex-pop star breaks finger? scoop.
Fortunately there's still one story with mileage and that was the ?evil dead-eyed Eastern European succubus definitely didn't have sex with David Beckham? controversy.
There has been unanimous disapproval for the woman even Jesus would invariably refer to as ?that lying whore, Irma Nici?. She's been the object of the type of demonisation that multi-national news companies normally reserve for working-class women in Sheffield who forget to update Social Services of a change in their circumstances.
The gist of the story is that the media are so outraged on our behalf that this woman has claimed to sleep with David Beckham as a short-cut to fame, that they have given her extensive front-page coverage thus ensuring her total anonymity. Luckily the papers act in the confidence that they occupy a moral high ground since they would never give money to someone selling a story about sleeping with a celebrity.
Things took a new twist with claims that she could identify distinguishing features on his willy but according to The Sun, the Beckhams have a secret weapon. Whenever our nation is under attack by foreigners, it is only a matter of time until someone invokes the name of our favourite balaclava-clad super-soldiers, and so it was that they reported that the Beckhams had ?engaged former SAS soldiers to help destroy Nici?s claims?. Yes, that's right, our elite fighting force have got involved. They?re going to storm the embassy where the claims are holding the truth hostage and calmly shoot the evil lies in their heads. Their stupid metaphysical evil lying heads.
On Wednesday The Sun, who by this point had relegated all other global events to a footnote on page 12, reported that the Beckhams would donate any money gained from the court case to a charity. An entirely made-up source referred to as a ?pal? of the couple stated ?any cash retrieved from this liar will help sick kids?. So essentially, if Nici does win the case she will have been responsible for the deaths of children. Where will her web of evil end? Find out next week, when we bring more entries from the diary of our hardworking tabloid journalists, the fearless truth-seekers.
This article was edited, and all spelling mistakes destroyed, by former SAS soldiers.
Stella says
And how exactly the SAS soldiers are going to help destroy Nici’s claims? By lending Veckam their willies rather than a hand?