That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

5 - Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.

Lance Armstrong is a modern-day hero, for all kinds of reasons. His incredible run of Tour De France wins prove that he’s a master of strength and endurance, his battle with cancer is proof of his insurmountable spirit and he can also hang out with Matthew McConaughey without smacking him across the back of the skull with a shovel and tipping him into an abandoned well, making him more tolerant than about 98% of other human beings.

But Lance Armstrong won’t go down in history for any of these things. No – the thing that most people will remember Lance Armstrong for is his incredible dedication to having it off with every single famous woman who strays within 30 feet of him. The list is endless – Lance Armstrong has had it off with one of the Olsen twins, with Kate Hudson and even with Sheryl Crow until she cried.

However, Lance Armstrong’s legendary swordsmanship will have to come to an end now, because he’s only gone and accidentally knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. You know how it is – you’ve both had a few drinks, things start hotting up and the next thing you know you’re going through a physically and emotionally painful course of in vitro fertilisation with sperm that you had frozen right before you started an agonising course of chemotherapy to treat your testicular cancer. We’ve all been there. People reports:

Lance Armstrong and girlfriend Anna Hansen are expecting their first child together, the cycling champ tells PEOPLE. “Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.” He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong for beating the odds yet again, and double congratulations to Anna Hansen, for a) convincing Lance Armstrong to get you pregnant after being with him for what can feasibly only be about three or four months and b) finally taming the wild stallion for good.

After all, it’s not as if Lance Armstrong is callous enough to leave a woman shortly after she’s given birth to his children, is it? It is? That’s exactly what he did with his last wife?

Oh, OK, scrap that last bit.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Now if you’ve decided you simply must have a slice of this delicious sounding Heche-ham, that’s just too bad. You’re gonna have to wait – she’s currently using that space for gestation or something. This of course means if you want your ham lady-marinated at all, you’ll have to find someone else to help you do that.

Might we suggest you use Ellen Degeneres, as we’ve heard the general flavour is still incredibly similar.

As we understand it, there are three things that Anne Heche really likes. One of them is being straight now, and the other is proving she’s straight by pushing out babies by way of every single man she ever dates or marries. This serves two purposes – the first is that it feeds the natural mothering instinct every woman is born with. The second is being pregnant gives Heche something to blame her non-expanding resume on.

The child way up inside her now was made when the sperm of a fine actor seduced her lady eggs with an hour-long Shakespeare recital. This is concrete fact. We know this as said recital was video recorded and placed on YouTube. We’re serious here, if you want to see something funny, watch a little wiggly sperm do the lines of Lady Macbeth.

The eggs were wooed, and a trimester was started. That’s one version anyway. For another version of the pregnancy rumors you should read this bit from US Magazine:

“Anne Heche and her beau, actor James Tupper, are expecting their first child together, her rep tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. “They are thrilled,” her rep tells Us. The two first met in 2006 on the set of their short-lived ABC drama Men In Trees while Heche was still wed to husband Coley Laffoon. “In that friendship, we kind of discovered we saw the world in a somewhat similar way,” Tupper, who was also married at the time, told the Vancouver Sun last year. “I think we both made decisions that were based on the relationships we were in.”"

You know, it makes sense if you think about it. Of course Heche wants another baby – she lost the one she already had. If nothing else she could rent the new tyke out to do some cute cereal commercials or something, which would really help pay the family bills.

Better yet, she could make some sort of documentary out of the whole birthing process the same way Ricki Lake did. Sundance eats stuff like that right up. It could have tremendous comic value too. Just imagine the scene where Heche’s water breaks – then a quick pan over and you see that Tupper guy standing there in flippers and a snorkel.

Its too soon to tell, but that thing may have real Academy potential.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming.

Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn’t realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it’s just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn’t happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.

These members of the Spears family are really starting to make our blood boil. They just sit there, completely inert, until Britney Spears decides to release an album – at which point they all leap to life, hoping that they can catch a glimmer of Britney’s limelight to demonstrate a new facet of their perpetual cluelessness.

Just today Kevin Federline decided to use Britney’s fleeting moment of glory to blame his own children for his divorce in print, and now it seems like Jamie Lynn Spears might have had liposuction during pregnancy because she didn’t understand why she was getting so fat. What next? A story about Sean Preston cutting his face off with Crayola? A YouTube video of Old Nanna Spears walking into a closed screen door 150 times over the course of half an hour?

But anyway, back to our original point. Rumours are circulating that Jamie Lynn Spears had liposuction treatments on her stomach while she was pregnant with her daughter because she couldn’t understand why she was getting all, like, fat and crap. The Boston Herald reports:

The teenage star discovered that weight was piling on and pleaded with her mom, Lynne, to let her get liposuction, Star Magazine reports. “She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a source said. “Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.”

Now, we feel we should point out that Jamie Lynn Spears has denied these claims, but we don’t know if that’s better or worse. Ask yourself this – would you rather unknowingly blunder into a liposuction procedure despite being pregnant, or would you rather people just thought that you were such a bafflingly stupid shitclump that pregnant liposuction was a perfectly feasible thing to expect from you? Jamie Lynn Spears can’t really win either way, can she?

We’ve been here before, of course. Remember when it was claimed that Jamie Lynn Spears had got pregnant again because she thought that breastfeeding was a natural contraceptive? Turns out that wasn’t true. See? Jamie Lynn Spears is a lot more intelligent than you give her credit for.

And that other time, too, when Jamie Lynn Spears was so scared of telling anyone about her pregnancy that she had to write a letter about it and hand it to her mother? Yeah, that one wasn’t true eith…

Wait, that one was true? Dear God. We retract everything.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.

So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.

We should probably give you a spot of advance warning, here – it’s likely that December’s going to be pretty excruciating for everyone. Not only have we got a whole month of Jennifer Aniston promoting a movie to endure, but it’s a movie about a naughty dog. Oh, and the movie comes out on the same day as Brad Pitt’s new movie. So there’s going to be a lot of awkward overcompensatory crowing about contentment, and it’s going to be brutal for everyone.

Just for a taster, look what’s happened over the last couple of months – first Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie ‘uncool’, then everyone thought she was pregnant, then she proved she wasn’t by walking around in a tight sweater until everyone got a bit sick of her.

And Jennifer Aniston didn’t even have a movie out – that was all just because Angelina Jolie had a movie out and Jennifer didn’t want her to get all the headlines. So this month will be – what’s the word? – nightmarish.

It’s started already, too – and all because of those darned pregnancy rumours. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Jennifer Aniston seemed to do nothing but meditate on the idea of motherhood – about how much she wants a baby, about the reaction to the news that she was pregnant and that she thinks she’d be a good mother because she stood quite near a baby on the set of a movie once or something:

“It’s almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, ‘I’m pregnant!’ Everyone will be like, ‘Yeah, right.’ It’s the boy who cried wolf. Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!… ‘I feel like that’s in my future and I’m on the verge of it in some way – or it’s something I long for. So it was great to sort of dip your toe in it.”

Jennifer Aniston dipped her toe in it? Well no wonder she’s not pregnant yet – that’s not how it works at all. Someone buy Jennifer an educational book on sexual reproduction, for God’s sake, otherwise we’ll be here all day.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we’re told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We’re not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy.

This will be Kelly Rutherford’s second child, following the birth of her… really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in Kelly Rutherfords’s pregnancy? Weirdos.

There’s a certain step-by-step guide that older American TV actresses need to follow when they get pregnant, because pregnancy at an advance age is fraught with danger. It’s essentially the guide laid out by Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives, so in the next few months we’re expecting to see 40-year-old Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl demand that all her scenes are filmed in her own bed, partly as a safety precaution and partly because she’s embarrassed that the naked photos she took of herself have been leaked onto the internet.

Oh, and also Kelly Rutherford needs to also give her baby a name so stupid that’ll ensure it gets bullied at school, passed over for jobs in adulthood and dies alone and bitter at a tragically young age, but that’s de rigeur for all celebrities anyway, not just middle-aged women off the telly who’ve got themselves knocked up.

But, yes, Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl is pregnant. You know, Kelly Rutherford. She plays the mother in Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl, you know. It’s a bit like The OC, except not as many people care about it because we’re all that much older now. Anyway, if you don’t recognise Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, then maybe you’ll recognise her for her role in E-Ring. No? Her role in Threat Matrix? No? Her role in Backflash 2: Angels Don’t Sleep Here? No? Her role in Melrose Place? Anyone?

Oh, anyway, look, someone called Kelly Rutherford is pregnant, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Philly Burbs reports:

Kelly Rutherford is expecting her second child! A rep for the 40-year-old Gossip Girl star says she has a June due date. Kelly also tells people that the Gossip Girl set is very kid friendly so she won’t have to worry what to do with the newborn when she is filming. “We have such a nice set because people bring their kids and their dogs. It looks like we’re running a doggy daycare in the makeup room. It’s really something.”

Regardless of the fact that we don’t really know who she is, we wish Kelly Rutherford all the best for her pregnancy. As she no doubt knows herself, a baby is a like a little unwritten book, and nobody can ever be certain what its life will hold. Maybe it’ll discover the cure for cancer. Maybe it’ll just be content to stay at home and raise a family of its own. Or maybe it’ll become as famous as its mother.

If that last one’s the case, you shouldn’t really bother learning its name, by the way.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

Despite her fame and fortune, Mariah Carey has dealt with no end of terrible periods in her life. She’s had an enormous wibbling mental breakdown, she’s been involved in a marriage so miserable that she used to fantasise about being kidnapped and she’s performed a duet with Westlife. All horrible, awful, unthinkable things to have to deal with.

So Mariah Carey deserves some happiness in her life. And if she wants that happiness to come in the form of a tiny screaming poo-machine that’s both massively expensive and eternally ungrateful, then so be it.

Ever since Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon earlier this year, after knowing him for appromixately a third of a second, she’s had babies on her mind constantly. This is either because Mariah Carey is full of love just waiting to be unleashed onto a new life, or because she heard that babies totally fit into that new chichi Prada handbag, but we suppose the motivation isn’t that important at the moment.

The point is, Mariah Carey might actually be pregnant now. She might not be, of course, but the low-level nervous breakdown that Mariah Carey had on The Ellen DeGeneres Show the instant that the topic of pregnancy was brought up would suggest that she’s either pregnant or needs to get a repeat prescription for her nutty pills.

To begin with, Mariah Carey was only too happy to talk about the state of her pregnancy, but then – in a stroke of something dazzling close to genius – DeGeneres brought out the champagne and the brought on Mariah’s terrified wibblefit. MTV reports:

Mariah then gave her a whole slew of excuses, other than being pregnant, for not drinking the bubbly. “It’s just fattening!” she said. “This is peer pressure! … It’s too early for me. I only drink after 3 p.m.” You can’t blame Ellen for trying. “No, let’s toast to you not being pregnant,” she ventured. Mariah, who only pretended to sip her champagne, wasn’t down for that sort of toast either.

Mariah Carey should know that shifty behaviour like that is only going to spur on more pregnancy speculation, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt – maybe Mariah Carey really does believe that champagne is fattening and she really doesn’t drink before 3pm.

If that’s the case, then we completely blame Ellen DeGeneres for not getting a definitive pregnancy statement out of Mariah Carey. Champagne was clever, but not foolproof. Ellen needed a follow-up scheme to really chase Mariah down. So we don’t know if Mariah Carey is pregnant for sure at the moment, but we definitely would if Ellen had thought to try any or all of these lines…

“Cigarette?”

“Let’s have a punching each other in the stomach competition!”

“You know what I think we should do right now? Eat raw hotdogs in a sauna!”

“Why do we see who can hide this unfolded coathanger up their own body the fastest!”

Oh Ellen. That Pulitzer Prize will never be yours unless you buck your ideas up.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie – the famous pregnant man from a few months ago – topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.

Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking – usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender – but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.

Remember a few weeks ago when everyone thought that Jamie Lynn Spears had got pregnant again? It turns out that she hadn’t, but it would have meant that she’d have got pregnant just four months after giving birth. Given that that’s slap-bang in the middle of the stage where both parents are still constantly exhausted and covered in baby poo, that’s impressive.

But not as impressive as Thomas Beatie. He gave birth to his first child in a flurry of controversy at the end of June, and now it’s been revealed that he’s pregnant again. That means not only is he exhausted and covered in baby poo, but he’s also got a penis. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jamie Lynn.

Anyway, yes, the point is that controversial pregnant dad Thomas Beatie has got pregnant again, just a few months after he pushed his last baby out of his… we want to say arse.

Thomas Beatie revealed all to Barbara Walters, as ABC reports:

Thomas Beatie, who is in his first trimester, tells Walters he did not go back on the male hormone testosterone after Susan’s birth so he could have another baby. “I feel good,” he said. “I had my checkups with my hormone level, as far as the HCG. And everything is right on track.” He says the baby is due June 12.

As unusual as it may seem to begin with, Thomas Beatie’s second pregnancy is perfectly normal. He’s still a human being, and he has every right to bring as many children into this world as he likes. We have no doubt in our mind at all that Thomas Beatie will raise this new child with nothing but pure, endless love.

Plus we bet that Angelina Jolie will spend a fortune trying to buy it off him. Any old sod can get a baby born in Africa these days, but a baby that came out of a bloke? Top that, Madonna.

Oh, and to answer the question we set in the headline, the reason why we think that Thomas Beatie can’t keep it in his pants is because hardly any of it is in his pants any more. We’re guessing most of it’s in a jar on a creepy surgeon’s desk somewhere.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?

Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.

We don’t know about you, but we’ve spent the last few weeks trying to organise a ragtag gang of furious torch-wielding locals to hang around outside Jennifer Aniston’s house chanting doomy biblical soundbites. Why? Because we thought that Jennifer Aniston was pregnant with John Mayer’s baby, that’s why, and we’re pretty sure the resulting baby would end up bringing about the end of the world.

We’re being serious. Not only would a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby end up being so genetically predisposed to rabid attention-seeking that it would literally never stop until every inch of the media did nothing but relentlessly focus on it around the clock, but it’d also have stupid hair and a funny-looking chin. It’d be awful.

But that’s something we can worry about another time, because Jennifer Aniston is almost definitely not pregnant, and that’s because she showed up at a restaurant in a tight top recently. If that’s not enough, some are saying that the whole pregnancy rumour was deliberately schemed up to get the headlines away from Aniston’s arch-rival Angelina Jolie for once, as a magazine editor told MSNBC:

“Every time Brad or Angelina is in the news, and it’s a story that’s so exclusive only one outlet really gets the story, the natural reaction is to come up with a story about Jen to combat the attention… But now she did lunch at (popular Hollywood eatery) the Ivy in a tight shirt? I mean, the Ivy? Usually Jen is above that sort of thing. She obviously knew she’d be photographed there.”

Poor old Jennifer Aniston. If she gets pregnant everyone thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she proves she’s not pregnant, everyone still thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she wears clothes that don’t hang off her like a big saggy tent, people get so enraged about all her attention-seeking that they actually start squirting blood out of their eyes.

So maybe this might be the start of a new, more demure Jennifer Aniston – one who doesn’t feel the need to constantly compete with Angelina Jolie by having every single aspect of her personal life detailed in all the celebrity magazines. And we look forward to seeing the introduction of this new, less showy Jennifer Aniston on Thursday night where she’ll, um, cavort around dressed as a French maid on 30 Rock. Oh.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But don’t hold your breath. Following reports of her fury at being dumped by Joe Jonas recently, rumours quickly spread that Taylor Swift was in fact pregnant. But this isn’t the case at all, and Taylor Swift has publicly declared that it would be ‘impossible’ for her to be pregnant.

Of course it’s impossible. Look at the facts – Taylor Swift is a good, church-going Christian girl from the heartland of America who’s only just reached the legal age of consent and whose last known boyfriend is a self-confessed virgin. Of course it’s impossible for Taylor Swift to be pregnant. She’s obviously a man.

Grammy-nominated performer she might be, but Taylor Swift needs to be taught some country and western lessons as soon as possible.

For example, Taylor Swift was recently dumped by a Jonas Brother. How did she react? By making a short internet video starring a doll, that’s how. That’s not country. If Taylor Swift was serious about being a country singer she’d have rushed to the nearest bar and choked a waitress. Or at least shot a stranger in the face. That’s country.

Honestly, at this rate Taylor Swift risks losing the hearts and minds of country fans altogether. She needs to do something real country real fast – something like getting pregnant.

That’d be perfect – just think of the credibility that an illegitimate baby born out of wedlock would give Taylor Swift’s country career. Once it was born, she could call it Bobby Jed, dress it in little dungarees and give it a job driving a truck before it’s old enough to walk.

Except she won’t do that. Despite a raft of recent rumours to the contrary, Taylor Swift has come forward to comprehensively deny that she’s pregnant. More than that, in fact, Taylor Swift says that pregnancy is an absolute impossibility for her. The LA Times reports:

The 18-year-old country singer wrote on her MySpace page: “I read a very creative rumor this morning saying I’m pregnant, which is the most IMPOSSIBLE thing on the planet. Take my word for it. Impossible.”

You hear that? The notion that Taylor Swift could ever be pregnant is literally the most impossible thing on the planet. Think of anything you like – like a bee the size of a bus, or representing √2 as a rational fraction p/q, or a man who poos marshmallows – and it’s bound to be a million percent less impossible than the idea that Taylor Swift, an 18-year-old woman with what we only presume is a functioning reproductive system, might possibly be pregnant.

That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t help Taylor Swift’s country credentials, does it? At this rate she’ll be kicked off the scene by the end of the week unless she does something profoundly country. Our suggestion? Taylor Swift should deny that she’s gay immediately.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

We’re eternal optimists here, which is why we refuse to believe that Jennifer Aniston is unlucky in love. We prefer to think of her as really lucky at living her increasingly desperate-seeming life out on the cover of magazines regardless of how emotionally needy it makes her look as a person. See? That’s much better.

But now, after fruitless relationships with Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn and that man who looked a bit like Brad Pitt if you got drunk, held a piece of gauze over your eyes, squinted and tilted your head to a very precise angle, it looks like Jennifer Aniston has found lasting happiness with John Mayer – a man she went out with briefly, then got dumped by, then sort of got back together with and has now possibly got pregnant by. If that’s not a recipe for lasting happiness, we just don’t know what is.

No, seriously. Things have apparently got so serious between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer that Mayer has allegedly knocked Aniston up. And, what’s more, Jennifer Aniston is supposed to have proposed to John Mayer as well. You hear that noise? That’s the sound of planet Earth sliding into hell. According to Showbiz Spy:

Jennifer Aniston has proposed to John Mayer, according to tabloid reports. The pair recently rekindled their relationship after finding out Aniston was pregnant. And now, a source tells Star, “John sent Jennifer a series of romantic emails – but she said she would only take him back if they got married, and he agreed. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he.

Personally we’re not going to believe a sniff of this until we see actual, lasting physical proof. We’re not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are getting married until their wedding photos have been ruthlessly sold to as many tabloid magazines as they can possibly manage. And we’re certainly not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant until we see a baby.

And even then we’re not going to fully believe that the baby was fathered by John Mayer. Not until we have total unquestionable proof that the baby is half Aniston and half Mayer. That’s right, we want it to have a big pointy chin, stupid girly hair and a singing voice that makes us want to kick our own mouths off. Sure, it’ll probably set the progress of humanity back a generation or two, but at least we’ll know.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Even though the economy is in freefall and we’re plummeting towards global recession and there’s every chance we’ll all finish this week huddled round a brazier cooking rats on sticks in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, the really terrifying news didn’t come from the financial world at all.

No, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was eight weeks pregnant even though she only gave birth to her last baby three and a bit months ago. Actually, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again because she spuriously believed that your fanny stops working when you breastfeed, but we’ll leave that one particular nugget alone for the time being.

However, even though the report originally claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again was full of believable touches – like the way that Jamie Lynn Spears couldn’t stop crying when she found out, or that her mother Lynne Spears was ‘hysterical’ at the news, it turns out that it was all wrong.

In actuality, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant at all. We know this because an anonymous stranger who could live in a tree for all that anyone knows said so. E! Online reports:

A source who lives in Jamie Lynn’s native Kentwood, La., tells E! News: “I talk to [her mom] Lynne all the time. Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again. That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

Actually, as theories go, that’s probably fairly untouchable – Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because one arbitrary nobody who just happens to live quite near Lynne Spears hasn’t heard about it. It’s not that Lynne Spears was trying to keep the secret under wraps because she’s ashamed or anything. Don’t be silly.

Genius. In fact, we’re so impressed by this theory that we’re going to base our entire belief system around this wise Kentwood sage – if they don’t know about it, we’re going to say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t even exist. The Higgs boson particle? A bunch of made-up crap. The planet Neptune? A bunch of made-up crap. Toothpaste? A bunch of made-up crap.

But let’s just say this source is right, and Jamie Lynn Spears really isn’t pregnant again. You know what this means? You really can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding! Get to it, new teenage mothers!

Or at least Jamie Lynn Spears might be pregnant again. Just four short months after giving birth to her first baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly eight weeks up the duff with her second baby. And, if the reports are true, Jamie Lynn Spears reacted the same way any proud mother would if they discovered that they were bringing new life into the world – by “crying her eyes out.”

This is, it’s claimed, because Jamie Lynn Spears thought that it was impossible to get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding. And if that’s the case, the message is clear – stay in church, kids. It certainly worked for Jamie Lynn.

Now that Britney Spears has hit the straight and narrow hard in order to promote that song of hers where she just says ‘womanizer’ a bunch of times, it’s down to the other members of the Spears clan to pick up the slack in the ‘unsettlingly berserk’ department. And we’re sure that Britney will be incredibly grateful when she sees what you might have just done, Jamie Lynn Spears.

You might remember that, just four short months ago, Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby that she conceived when she was just 16 years old. Her pregnancy seemed to be comprised of various sad-faced magazine covers and handwritten letters to her mother explaining the pregnancy because she was too shamefaced to tell her out loud.

But that’s all in the past. Now Jamie Lynn Spears has learnt her lesson from her last unexpected pregnancy, and she’s determined to put all that behind her to become the most responsible parent that she can… oh, Jesus Christ, she hasn’t, has she? Jamie Lynn Spears has got pregnant again? Already? What a massive donkey turd. NME reports:

Britney Spears sister Jamie Lynn is reportedly pregnant with her second child, just three months after becoming a mother to a baby girl. The report in the National Enquirer said that Spears was not aware that one could become pregnant while breastfeeding. The teenager reportedly “cried her eyes out” when a home pregnancy test came back positive.

By the way, unborn Spears kid, if you happen to be reading this in the year 2021, then just take a look at that last paragraph again. You made your mother cry. And your granny went hysterical when she found out too, the article says. Why did you do that? You evil child. This is all your fault! Bad unborn Spears baby! Bad!

If this report is true, then Jamie Lynn Spears has managed to trump even her sister’s record of getting accidentally pregnant again quite quickly after childbirth. Congratulations, Jamie Lynn! You’re number one!

And, while we’re sure this is a scary time for you, with the responsibility of caring for two newborn babies instead of just one bearing down on you and all, but you need to see the positives in all of this. In a few months you’ll have two beautiful healthy children to look after. That’s like double the happiness.

Plus at least this way Lynne Spears gets to write another book about what a couple of shitboxes her children are.

And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.

Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.

It’s always nice to see people learn from their mistakes, isn’t it? Take Lynne Spears, for example. She’s made her mistakes in the past – like the time she pushed her two kids into showbusiness from an exceptionally young age at the cost of their childhood just so that she could piggyback on their fame – but you won’t see her doing anything like that again.

No sir. It may have taken one horrifying mental breakdown and a teenage pregnancy to work that out, but it doesn’t matter, because Lynne Spears will never exploit her childrens’ fame again – so much so that she’s started doing television appearances to promote her book about never exploiting her childrens’ fame again.

Lynne Spears’ book Britney Spears: A Warning From History has already made the headlines for the way that it reveals how Britney Spears lost her viginity as a child. But, worried that she might be giving a false impression that Britney is her only car-crash offspring, Lynne Spears has gone on TV to explain what a monstrous little brat Jamie Lynn Spears is as well.

Oh, we’re only kidding. It’s unfair to call Jamie Lynn Spears a monstrous little brat just because she got knocked up while she was still at school. But it’s totally cool to imply that she is by suggesting that she was too cowardly to verbally admit her pregnancy to her mother and had to resort to a scrawled note instead. So we’ll do that.

After all, it’s what Lynne Spears sort of did herself on the Today show yesterday. She said:

“I thought it was a joke… I kept waiting for the punch line. I was just truly in shock and then I started to cry. And then she started consoling me at that point.”

Actually, what Lynne Spears doesn’t understand is that it actually was just a joke. Jamie Lynn Spears – notorious prankster that she is – had in fact written the following on the back of the note:

“Punk’d! I totally just punk’d you mom. Of course I’d never get pregnant! I’m only 16 and wouldn’t dream of having sex, especially with this stupid-faced idiot. I mean, look at him. He looks like the product of decades of institutionalised incest. This couldn’t possibly be anything but a ridiculous joke.”

However, Lynne Spears took the news so badly with all the tears and the self-blame that Jamie Lynn Spears decided that, rather than admit to the joke and confuse her mother any further, she’d go and immediately get pregnant anyway, even though it’d ruin the rest of her life.

Oh Lynne Spears, if only you’d have turned the note over, life would have been so very different. Mostly in that we wouldn’t have had to keep writing about your sodding book all the bloody time.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

God knows why, but there seems to be this sort of global willing for Eva Longoria to get pregnant at the moment. It’s like everyone thinks that if they all believe as hard as they can then Eva Longoria will magically get pregnant and we’ll all soon be blessed with a baby that’s just as shrill and objectionable as its mother.

It’s not particularly a new thing – ever since Eva Longoria got married people have been scrutinising the size of her belly with more intensity than those men looking for the Higgs Boson particle in Switzerland. One minute people are saying that Eva Longoria is pregnant, the next they’re saying she’s not, then they’re saying she is again.

But she’s not. Eva Longoria is definitely not pregnant. True, she might have been photographed looking marginally rounder than usual on a beach this summer, but it’s not because she’s pregnant. According to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman:

“She’s just fat, that’s all there is to it!”

See? That’s all there is to it. Eva Longoria is just fat. So fat that she’s got her own postcode. So fat that if you try to kiss her your face burns off on re-entry. So fat that she occasionally leases out her belly button as an amphitheatre for poetry recitals and local amateur dramatic performances of Shakespeare’s comedies. That’s literally how fat Eva Longoria is.

Obviously we’re not stupid enough to believe that Eva Longoria is actually fat. It’s clear that this was just a way for Felicity Huffman to humorously deflect all the speculation over Longoria’s womb in an offhand manner.

But, hey, if Felicity Huffman thinks that Eva Longoria is fat, then just imagine what she thinks of you, you lardy old pissbag.