Scarlett Johansson Thinks Her Unborn Babies Can All Eff Off

Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you’d expect that babies were next on the agenda.

That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

5 – Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

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  1. Dallas says

    “top 5 reasons… 1, 2, 3, 4, 1.”

    C’mon Hecklerspray, when you give us such a non-story as this one you can at least make sure that the copy-editing’s done properly.

    Or maybe that was a test? Am I really the first reader to make it to the end of the story…?

  2. Stuart Heritage says

    Yes. A test. It was a test. I’ve edited it out now. But it was definitely a test.