Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

Remove the sexiness from Jessica Alba and you’re not left with much – maybe a set of untrimmed eyebrows and a staggeringly bad filmography at best. It’d be like Stephen Colbert waking up one morning and realising he wasn’t funny, or Kanye West waking up and realising he could deal with criticism in a sensible, even-handed manner. It just doesn’t bear thinking about.

But, according to Jessica Alba herself, that’s what being pregnant did to her. Before she got pregnant, Jessica Alba was so sexy that she could send legions of teenage boys into month-long masturbatathons just by casually dropping the subject of recreational sex into an interview.

But then, as soon as she got pregnant, Jessica Alba’s sexiness level dropped immediately, with boys only being able to spend two or three weeks abusing themselves to a freeze-frame of Into The Blue at a time, no matter how often she tried to lure them back by only talking about her massive boobies all the time.

However, now Jessica Alba has given birth to her daughter Honor Marie Warren, none of that matters any more. Sure, she may have experienced some bloating during the pregnancy, but the most important thing is that her baby exists, and the unconditional love between mother and daughter will be the most important relationship she ever has with anyone for the rest of her life.

So chances are Jessica Alba doesn’t even care that the baby made her pack on a tiny amount of weight, right Cosmopolitan magazine?

“I never felt less sexy,” Jessica Alba says of her own pregnancy. “I mean, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world … but I wanted to get rid of all the weight.”

Oh little Honor Marie Warren, what a life you’ll have. From the first time you’ll be accompanied home from school by a social worker because of your kindergarten art project ‘This is mommy crying because she says I made her fat once’ to the therapy bills you’ll rack up because Jessica Alba will somehow find a way to blame the theatrical failure of The Love Guru on all the hormones you were thumping through her body during filming, you’ll have a gifted existence. A gifted existence indeed.

Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she’s done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We’re not sure when that will be, mind, as she has just about to have some of those child things, with Pitt serving up half of the chromosomes in the deal.

But hey – he’s already had a crack at her, so why shouldn’t ol’ Billy-Bob be confident?

See, Thornton has a theory on Jolie’s relationship with the pretty-boy Pitt. And in fine Hollywood fashion he’s decided that it’s something we all need to know about, rather than something that should probably stay firmly locked up in his head lest it sound like the insane rantings of a jealous old man.

Talking at a press conference for his new album, Billy, Bobby, whatever he’s called said:

“She’s just going through a high school phase. You know dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She’ll be waking up from that dream in no time.”

Bibbly, Bobbly – you struck so, so fucking lucky getting her in the first place, there’s no need to be a ridiculous prat about things and make such audacious claims. Maybe hecklerspray can let you off for making your thoughts public like this, but at least leave it at that. No more silly claims, no more petty side swipes. You had your chance – everybody gets one.

Oh no:

“Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

So not only is Bad Santa himself claiming that Angelina Jolie is going through a phase by having a long-term relationship with the soon-to-be father of her children, he’s also saying that if (or when, in Thornton’s mind) the two split up he might not even take her back.

The man must be on some good shit if his mind-drum plays along to that beat.

We do have some suggestions for Bibble Bobble though, which may help him in his quest to get Jolie back, or turn her down, or whatever he wants to do, if she does break up with Bradley and come crawling back to him:

1) If he still has the vial of her blood lying around, Thornton could always dabble in a bit of Angelina-cloning. This would give him an identical copy of Jolie, with the added bonus of her being a clean slate, ready for him to tell: “you fancy older, weird-looking blokes called Billy-Bob. And not attractive A-list movie stars.”

2) Thornton could put himself up for adoption, in the hope that Jolie’s soon-to-be born children haven’t dampened her taste for adoption pie. She unsuspectingly brings him into the Jolie/Pitt family fold, Bibbles works from there. We’re not coming up with all of the plan, just helping him on his way.

3) Billy-Bob could approach Angelina from a purely friendly perspective and become something of a confidant. During the process of heart-to-heart, deep discussions, Thornton could then convince Jolie she should return to her days of lesbianism (or at least bisexuality). Then it’s a simple case of a sex-change and Bob’s your… lover?

4) Get Angelina so smacked off her tits she starts talking utter shite, passes out and when she wakes up she’s in the middle of nowhere, alone with Billob. Granted, this is technically kidnapping, but it’s no more insane than claiming you wouldn’t take Angeline Jolie up on the offer of getting back together with her.

We’ve run out of suggestions now. But just remember who’s trying to help you, Billy-Bob Thornton. We’re your friends.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Honor Marie Warren was probably called Honor because Jessica Alba and Cash Warren felt honored by having her, just as Cash Warren was named by his parents who felt a tight financial burden by having him. His parents were more accurate.

When Honor grows up, every time a boy kisses her they will no doubt follow it up by saying “what an honor”.

It won’t be confined to just boys either. Throughout her life, whenever she does a favor for anyone, or when anyone does a favor for her, someone will say “it’s been an honor” and then laugh.

At the age of about six, Honor will be asking God why her parents gave her such a rubbish name.

This will evolve into a deep psychological problem by the time she reaches adolescence and, if she isn’t fortunate enough to have inherited her mother’s gluteal genes as compensation, she will probably be reaching for the medicine cabinet before she makes her 20s.

It all happened on Saturday, June 7 in Los Angeles. Her representative, Brad Cafarelli, confirmed so to People magazine.

Jessica Alba was recently interviewed by Fit Pregnancy. When asked what kind of a mother she’d like to be, she said:

I don’t want to be my child’s best friend. I want to be a mom, But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.

According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside – a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And fat people. And people with hernias. And people with pillows under their shirt.

But, what with the recent out-of-the-blue wedding reports, pregnancy is the most realistic choice and, according to OK! Magazine, a source close to the couple told them:

“I’ve heard from at least two people that Beyonce is pregnant.”

It is also supposed that a “big magazine” will report the news this coming week on their front cover.

Word is that Beyonce’s devout Christian father, Matthew Knowles, got a whiff of the pregnancy rumours and demanded that they get married, or else our all-loving, all-powerful lord God will make Jay, B, and little baby Knowles-Z burn in eternal hell fire. And with that as the alternative, who can blame ‘em?

Even her little sister, Solange, has been speculating about Beyonce becoming a mother. She told People.com:

“Whenever Beyonce decides to have a child, I definitely think she’ll be banging on my door. She’s kept my son over the weekend. She’ll call me like, ‘How do you get this stroller out? And what about the car seat? I don’t know how you do this!’ And I’m like, ‘People do it every day’.”

So, are the rumours true? What’s it to you; how about you mind your own bloody business and keep out of theirs?

Unless of course they do make the news public to a “big magazine”, in which case they’ll be set up for the same insulting invasions of privacy that Christina Aguilera’s leprechaun-faced baby-freak got – the ugly fucking idiot.

Read More – Is Newly Wed Beyonce With Baby Bump? – Actress Archives

Read More – Beyonce Takes Lessons In Motherhood From Sister – SFGate

Actually, that's a lie. The 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate hasn't been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it's either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we've chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie's arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

Of all the current crop of pregnant celebrities, none have been easier to diagnose than Angelina Jolie. Sure, Halle Berry and Jessica Alba may have seen their breasts expand like someone's working them with a footpump, but it's not exactly rare to see actresses suddenly jump bra sizes without warning. But Angelina Jolie has a different pregnancy tell.

You see, when Angelina Jolie gets pregnant, she stops being so thin that it's actually a little distressing to look at her and becomes normal-sized again. So, yes, everyone has known that Angelina Jolie is pregnant for a while, but this is the first time that she's made the news seem anywhere near official.

You see, Angelina Jolie turned up to an awards show this weekend and, for the first time since Brad Pitt knocked her up, she wasn't covered in a four-man tent to disguise it, as E! Online reports:

There it was – Angelina Jolie's baby bump! She did nothing to hide it today at the Film Independent's Spirit Awards in Santa Monica. No loose-fitting clothing. No holding oversize handbags over her midsection. Not even a coat. She wore a body-hugging black dress along with matching Jimmy Choo heels.

We should point out that it's a rare break from tradition of Angelina Jolie to show off her baby-bump in such a brazen way. Usually when she gets pregnant, Angelina Jolie likes to go to a dusty African country and pretend that the fertile earth knocked her up, to make the baby feel more at home with its adopted multinational counterparts. 

But now that Angelina Jolie's pregnancy is out in the open for everyone to see, we should really ask ourselves why. Is the bump getting too hard to cover? Is Angelina trying to court more paparazzi to hang around her house so she can get them arrested? Or, as we suspect, is this Angelina Jolie's way to make sure she gets an even bigger payday when she sells her baby photos to a magazine?

If that's the case, then it's probably clever of her to get in early. As Christina Aguilera's recent deal showed, nobody gives a shit about celebrity baby photos any more. And even though Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins, that's not such a big deal either thanks to Jennifer Lopez's twins and Jessica Alba's imminent twins.

So, by getting her pregnancy announcement out in the open this early, Angelina Jolie has given herself enough time to dream up her own gimmick to keep the magazine readers happy by the time her babies are born. What that gimmick will be we're not sure, although we have heard rumours that Angelina plans to pay a gynaecologist to stitch little tiny top hats onto her unborn babies' heads prenatally to make them look quite posh.

Read more:

Angelina's Baby Bump Debut – E! Online 

How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.

At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we'd let a man called Cash knock us up we'd be pretty bloody livid too.

Smart girl, Jessica Alba. She knows that she can't be the only pregnant celebrity on the scene, or – thanks to Halle Berry – the most ridiculously swollen pregnant celebrity. But Jessica Alba can be the most needlessly talkative pregnant celebrity.

Even though she's only been pregnant for about five minutes, Jessica Alba has announced her pregnancy, declared how much she enjoys being pregnant, expressed her fear of breastfeeding and remarked on what lovely big boobies she's got. And now it's time for Jessica Alba to explain her hormonal rage in forensic detail.

Jessica Alba, you see, has kicked her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house twice now. AHN reports:

"I think I threw him out of the house twice already since I've been pregnant. He's like, 'Are you just pregnant? I hope you're just pregnant and acting crazy,' and I'm like, 'It has nothing to do with that.' Little things make me so mad. He calls five minutes later than he said he was going to. You get so emotional when you're pregnant, and so irrational. It's totally dumb."

But while it's easy to put her dysfunctional behaviour down to a surge of pregnancy hormones, Jessica Alba might be affording it a bit too much of the blame. Because this whole 'kicking out and getting back together' thing isn't limited to her pregnancy – Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren a month or two before he knocked her up. At this rate we'll be surprised if they even lasted until Easter.

But forget that, because Jessica Alba is barrelling through the pregnancy side-effect list so quickly that she's going to run out of stuff to blab about by the time she finally gives birth. So what next? An interview dedicated solely to all the haemorrhoids that have started jutting out of her anus? A press conference about the exact dimensions of poo that got evacuated in the last stage of labour?

Well, this is Jessica Alba we're talking about, so yes. Both of those things.

Read more:

Jessica Alba Admits To Kicking Boyfriend Out Of House – AHN 

It's only been a few days since Britney Spears' disturbing meltdown saw her lose all visitation rights to her children for a month, but already Britney Spears has decided that if she can't see her kids she'll just grow another one inside her.

That's right – Britney Spears might be pregnant again. Be afraid. 

If we had to pick one person in the entire world who we'd least like to be, it'd be little Sean Preston Federline. With Britney Spears and Kevin Federline as his parents, genetically he's probably been left with the intellectual potential of, say, a clod of mud, but that's not all. Presuming she eventually gets some form of visitation rights initiated before he's 18, Britney Spears is bound to start seeing Sean Preston as the moment everything started to go wrong.

Look at the facts – pre-baby Britney Spears was the virginal girl next door who all the young kids idolised. Post-baby and Britney Spears is the bald nutter with the escapologist vagina and nothing more. So Sean Preston is going to get it bad, and we really wouldn't like to be in his shoes when he does. 

However, a little thing like babies wrecking her life isn't going to stop Britney Spears from thumping them out of her body one after the other like a soggy mogwai. Just days after her courtroom no-show rubberstamped the loss of her children for a month, Britney Spears has been seen out and about browsing pregnancy tests. The Daily Dish reports:

Britney Spears has sparked reports she is pregnant with her third child, after the troubled star was spotted shopping for home pregnancy tests in Los Angeles recently. But Spears appears to be getting serious with her paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, after she was snapped browsing pregnancy tests at pharmacy store Rite Aid earlier this week.

Now, there are three possible explanations for Britney Spears browsing the pregnancy tests:

1 - Britney Spears could be pulling a clever joke on the public by deliberately courting pregnancy speculation even though she's not actually pregnant. If that's the case, we have to hand it to Britney the unwell-looking, suicide note-writing car-crash who has just been banned from seeing her own children. We really do look like quite the foolish ones here, don't we?

2 - Britney Spears actually is pregnant, in which case we should extend our warmest congratulations to Britney. After all, in getting knocked up by a man who recently tried to sell naked pictures of her, Britney's found the one person on Earth who makes Kevin Federline look like a catch, or

3 - Britney Spears was just looking for something small enough to shoplift.

But balls to the speculation, we just hope that Britney Spears is pregnant. Because that way, along with Jamie-Lynn Spears' pregnancy, we can all rest safe in the knowledge that the world will soon be overpopulated with little Spears babies, all running around clanging into things and eating bits of plastic and getting farted on by their mothers.

It's an investment for the future is what it is.

Read more:

Spears Shops For Paternity Tests – Daily Dish 

Never mind, let's just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she's apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen's pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as 'the overspill nub'.

Someone had better warn the Orange prize judging panel – Lily Allen is pregnant, which means that any book she reads will be judged on a complex criteria of how much she vomited up that morning, how much her feet hurt, how many references they contain about beautiful women (this is a bad thing, because by then Lily Allen will feel like a massive unloved, attention-starved lump of extra-tired flesh and will mark them down out of spite) and how much they smell of coal (this a good thing because Lily Allen will be craving coal by then, and will eat the books, marking them up for deliciousness).

Anyway, the key part of that last paragraph was the 'Lily Allen is pregnant' bit – because Lily Allen is almost definitely a little bit pregnant. We know this because The Sun told us. According to the paper, Lily Allen has just discovered that she's fallen pregnant by one of the Chemical Brothers. Not the one that looks like an absent-minded Maltese dog, the one that looks like every other man on the planet.

Lily and this Chemical man have only been together for three months, but that isn't stopping them from acting all happy that the rest of their lives have essentially been destroyed by a scant disregard for thorough family-planning practises. A source told The Sun:

"Lily is thrilled to be pregnant and can’t wait to become a mum. She’s a real family person. Ed’s very happy. He is really looking after her. Lily could not be happier. It’s the icing on the cake for what has been an incredible 18 months for her. She is looking forward to finishing her new album early next year and releasing it before the birth of her first child."

Ah, yes. Lily Allen's second album is due out fairly soon – she had plenty of time to write it when she was banned from America – and to call it highly-anticipated would be an understatement. Once she's put the finishing touches to it, Lily Allen just has to pick a first single, and she's currently toying backwards and forwards with either Why Do I Keep Leaking Piss? or It's Gone Blue (You've Wrecked My Life You Bastard).

And there's more than just the new album to worry about – Lily Allen has also signed up to host a BBC Three TV show in the near future, and this pregnancy news has put it all in jeopardy. Damn you, Lily Allen! Damn you for getting pregnant and depriving the world of a tedious comedy chatshow dubiously based on your MySpace blog! How the world will ever survive without that, we don't know.

Anyway, let's not be hard on Lily Allen and her Chemical boyfriend. They're having a baby together, and they must be so excited. Imagine the thoughts running their heads at the moment. Will the baby be a boy? A girl? Will it grow up to be famous or important? Will it look like a stunted little Ewok or an impossibly anonymous everybaby? It's exciting, really.

Right – nobody else get pregnant today, please. We only have a finite amount of pregnancy jokes, and between Jamie Lynn Spears, Lily Allen and Johnny Depp crawling out of Helena Bonham Carter's stomach singing showtunes, we've run a bit dry.

Read more:

Singer will be having a lil' Allen - The Sun 

But that's just the kind of socially-conscientious girl Jamie Lynn Spears is. Now that her older sister Britney Spears is being heralded by many as the world's most famous bad mother, Jamie Lynn wants to have a go, too – so she's announced to the world via OK! magazine that she's 12 weeks pregnant with a baby fathered by her long-term boyfriend Casey Aldridge. News of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy might seem like the Spears family has now reached critical mass when it comes to sexual irresponsibility, but you haven't seen anything yet – the cover of next week's Us Weekly consists of a close-up photo of baby Sean Preston's face alongside the quote "Dude! I Totally Knocked Up 15 Thai Sluts Last Week!"

Remember when we told you that Britney Spears' mother was writing a parenting guide? Well, our advice to you would be don't buy it. Don't even look at it. In fact, don't even think about the Spears family parenting guide, because we're starting to get the impression that if the thought of it even creeps into your mind for even a second, then all your children will instantly get pregnant regardless of their age, fertility or gender. Either that or they'll become petty shoplifters. Either way, it's nothing to brag to your friends about at the bus stop.

Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old sister of everyone's favourite befuddlingly clueless vagina model Britney Spears, has announced to the world that she's pregnant. And before she's even a high school senior, too! See, Hannah Montana? That's how you do teenage pregnancies right.

Anyway – details. Apparently, according to the screaming front cover of OK! magazine, Jamie Lynn Spears is 12 weeks pregnant and the father is long-term church-met boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Jamie Lynn Spears decided to tell her mother that she was pregnant at Thanksgiving, something that went down about as well as could be expected:

"I told my parents and my friends. I was scared, but I had to do what was right for me. [Mom] was very upset because it wasn't what she expected at all. A week after, she had time to cope with it and became very supportive… I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait. But I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in."  

Hilariously, it looks as if Jamie Lynn Spears hadn't bothered to inform Britney Spears that she was pregnant. Last night she was still screaming at reporters that her sister wasn't pregnant, even though newsstands were full of pictures of Jamie Lynn saying that was at exactly the same time.

However, we're sure that once she's spoken to Jamie Lynn, Britney will do everything she can to help her little sister through the transition into motherhood. Britney is a world expert on how to drive children around dangerously and a foremost authority on the best way to spook your kids by farting, crying and babbling in a made-up language at them, remember. That sort of stuff is invaluable.

So Jamie Lynn Spears is happy that she's pregnant, her mother is happy that she's pregnant, Britney Spears will be happy that she's pregnant as soon as she finds out and Casey Aldridge is so happy that he's probably trying to start a new life in Mexico under an assumed identity as we speak – but what about Nickelodeon? Jamie Lynn Spears is the star of the network's show Zoey 101, and it's bound to be a headache to have a teen sitcom star suddenly swelling up like an infected wound in front of a confused audience of children. But here's Nickelodeon's take on the pregnancy:

"We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

"Well, that and trying to work out how we can sack her and replace her with a sterilised 13-year-old lookalike," the company added under its breath when nobody was listening.

So what now for Jamie Lynn Spears. Having a child means that all her free time will be spent raising it, which puts her professional life in jeopardy. Oh, who are we kidding – she'll be signed up to High School Musical 3 by the end of the day. 

Read more:

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's Sister, Is Pregnant - MTV 

Sorry, we're still trying to get over this shocking Jennifer Lopez pregnancy bombshell because it's genuinely come right out of the blue. All we've had to go on is Jennifer Lopez persistently assuming coyness every time someone mentions motherhood or babies in front of her, performing tours around the world with a belly that's been steadily growing in size because of the baby growing inside it and clearly being undeniably pregnant. And now it turns out that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant? That's literally the most surprising thing we've experienced all day, with the exception of every single thing we've seen, heard, thought or smelled, obviously.

Thank God – the dangerous pregnancy chicken-duel between Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera has finally come to an end. For months now, both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez have been so blatantly pregnant that only an idiot could doubt their knocked-upness, but neither Christina or Jennifer wanted to be the first to reveal their pregnancy, because it'd mean losing the competition we assume they had with each other and doing their next concert with the word 'pussy' written on their head in permanent marker as a forfeit.

Thankfully, though, the nightmare situation – of both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez in the throes of labour in adjacent maternity beds, both gritting their teeth to stop the babies from crowning out of their vaginas while claiming that it's just wind, honest – was avoided this week when Christina Aguilera announced her pregnancy to the world.

And now Aguilera has given in, Jennifer Lopez can also exclusively reveal that she is, in fact, also pregnant. And just one week after her concert outfit designer Roberto Cavalli told everyone that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant too. The bravery of the woman.

Anyway, Jennifer Lopez revealed her pregnancy to a concert audience in Miami, where she's currently performing shows with husband Marc Anthony, by saying:

"Marc and I are expecting."

Expecting? Expecting what? To split up in a couple of months? To one day make a film that people actually want to see? Ohhh, we get it – they're expecting a baby. To make everything even more explicit, Marc Anthony then started kissing Jennifer Lopez's baby-bump in what we're presuming to be the most stomach-turning act of physical affection the world has seen since Jade Goody's boyfriend spunked up her leg on Celebrity Big Brother that one time.

But at least now it's official, and the wait must have been agonising for Jennifer Lopez. At least now it's in the open Jennifer Lopez can show her love to the baby in the only way she knows how – by recording an album of romantic duets with the foetus and starring in up to 16 pointless romantic comedies with it, with all the unborn infant's scenes filmed in ultrasound. 

At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It's good news all round, really – Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera's bulging gut isn't a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months' notice to soundproof their maternity wards – after all, if that's how Christina Aguilera screams when she's singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she'll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.

As far as constant image-changes go, Christina Aguilera is up there with Madonna and Carlos The Jackal. So far in her comparatively brief career we've seen blond pop muppet Christina Aguilera, pierced dirt-cheap hooker Christina Aguilera and weird sort-of wartime floozy Christina Aguilera.

But now it's time for Christina Aguilera to unveil her latest image – it's Christina Aguilera the tender-breasted, swollen-ankled, constantly-nauseous expectant mother. Rumours of Christina Aguilera's pregnancy have been floating around for months, and they stopped being rumours as soon as Christina started swelling up like an infected jellyfish sting and took to shopping exclusively in baby stores.

However, since Christina Aguilera didn't seem to want to announce the pregnancy, we just assumed that she'd suddenly developed a fondness for bingeing on pastry and all the baby gear was for her chihuahua. Then Paris Hilton and Christina's own father told the world that Christina Aguilera was pregnant – but still nothing from the woman herself.

Now, finally, since the pregnancy is so far gone that her gut stretches like the TV in Videodrome every time her unborn baby farts, Christina Aguilera has finally decided to tell the world what it already knew, breaking the news to Glamour magazine when it asked her about new year's resolutions:

“That’ll be about the time I enter into mommyhood so I’m hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!… [The father is] thrilled! He’s just great. He’s so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system… I guess. I’m a lucky girl! I want to get it right, to balance that well with my career.”

Balancing motherhood with her career shouldn't prove to be too difficult for Christina Aguilera because, if watching young mothers take their children round the supermarket on a Saturday morning is anything to go by, she'll get to practise her vocal technique by screaming swearwords at her kid every time it asks her a question. And don't forget that Christina Aguilera isn't the first young pop star to have a baby – she'll always have Britney Spears for guidance. In fact, we're going to go as far as saying that all Christina needs to do is the exact opposite of what Britney Spears has ever done since she first gave birth to Sean Preston and she'll make a wonderful mother.