Christina Aguilera is basically the epitome of a classy lady. From her Oompa Loompa skin care regiment, to her clown hooker lips, to her Clorox approved hair, Christina just screams “elegance.”
In keeping with that theme, Aguilera has decided to grace her newborn baby girl with a really special name. As if her life wasn’t about to be hard enough with Christina as her mother. You know bitch will be that embarrassing “cool” mom in the mini skirts, half in the bag, at the soccer games.
Christina Aguilera spent last year losing her booze bloat, realizing her career is basically in the toilet without The Voice, and getting serious with her kept boyfriend, Matt Rutler. After finally getting her sexy back, Rutler’s gold digger plan came to fruition, and she became pregnant with a child.
Christina already has one son, Max, from her marriage to Jordan Bratman. Max was born during Christina’s sober, normal time in her life, so outside of his way over the fucking top nursery, everything was pretty normal with him. This time however, we have been blessed with a lot of camel toe’d leggings and nakedness in magazines. And let us not forget her baby shower cake. Sorry in advance for the picture.
So of course, there was a lot of wondering what kind of name this future child might get. Thankfully, Ms. Aguilera has not disappointed us. This weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl via C-section. That information was released right away, but we had to wait a hot minute for this, the most important piece of information.
So proud to welcome our beautiful daughter Summer Rain Rutler into the world.
— Christina Aguilera (@xtina) August 18, 2014
She waited a whole day to Tweet the baby’s name, I am assuming because she couldn’t quite decide between Summer Rain and KayWhy Jelly. Both, obviously are thinly veiled homages to some of Christina’s favorite and most used products in her life. I am actually quite surprised she didn’t name her daughter Mac, since there is nothing this bitch loves more than her heavily applied makeup.
Now, I don’t know if Christina realized how much adding Rain to Summer turned a relatively normal hippie name into something sounding an awful lot like a crotch wipe one might buy from Aldi or the Dollar General, but it was pretty apparent to myself (and basically everyone else I know). You know Matt wasn’t going to say anything even remotely argumentative towards Aguilera about her choices, as they are still only betrothed to be married, and he hasn’t quite cinched his lifetime spousal support.
Congratulations to Christina. May you have at least 18 years before your daughter is caught sexting nude pictures of herself while high to some boyfriend.