Ryan Gosling Just Keeps Breaking My Heart

Eva Mendes Ryan GoslingAccording to a few news sources, the most perfect sensitive man in the world, Ryan Gosling, has decided to bless the world with a tiny human made from his ideal DNA.  Since humans can’t just create babies on their own, this means he needed a female, so technically the baby is half Eva Mendes’.

Considering the last time I wrote about these two, it was because word on the street was that they had broken up (IF ONLY), I don’t know how much I believe this to be truth.

I just had to do some digging, and yes, the last time I wrote about these two was in December when they allegedly had broken up.  One of the main reasons was that Eva Mendes was a ticking time bomb of aching uterus, but Ryan Gosling was all arm stretched out, like, “woah girl.  This is a little fast for me.”

But now, word on the street is that the game plan has changed, and Ryan is about to be a daddy.  A DILF.  A panty creamer at the playground. What’s interesting though, is that the source behind this information says Eva is about 7 months pregnant.  Doing a little math, that would mean she got pregnant just about when those nasty break up rumors were their strongest.  Coincidence?  Were those rumors just that, nasty untrue gossip?  Or did someone “forget” to take her little blue pills that month?

Also, back in February, pregnancy rumors came around the first time for these two because Mendes refused to go through one of those full body x-ray scanners at the airport.  But Eva went on Ellen to shoot down talk that her uterus was occupied with the second coming of the Messiah, and said people read into it way too much.  She apparently just finds those scanners creepy and would rather have some pissed off TSA worker grab her crotch personally.

The anonymous source also stated that these two are super excited to be parents, Eva especially (duh) because she’s been waiting so long for this.  Since Eva and Ryan have been together for 3 years, I am venturing to guess so long=3 years in this case.  And Ryan is just being perfect about it all, because well, he is Ryan fucking Gosling.  Being perfect is just who he is.

If in about 6-8 weeks we experience some sort of crazy earthquake/ tsunami/unexplained solar eclipse type shit, followed by a quadruple rainbow in the sky, with all the birds of the world singing together in harmony, then I guess we will know this to be the truth.   Also, be prepared for about half of the United States to then become flooded by the salty tears of broken hearted women everywhere.

And the memes that will follow.  Oh, the memes.

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