Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.

The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.

MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?

MIA has opted to show us all her bad side in ‘Bad Girls’ which frankly we just never saw coming.

Warning. It features cars and a load of posing.

And not much worthwhile tune.

If you were bored enough to watch the above ‘short film’ from Roman Gavras, the director of “How can I make a short lived cultural criticism next?” then you will have noticed Maya wearing her shiny bra on the outside like a feminine version of Super Girl. She bad. It’s probably all political and about war and oil and greed and stuff, but MIA knows that’s way over all our heads so she decided to re-enact that scene from Sex And The City 2 where everyone in the Middle East dresses like a Western capitalist twat. She bad.

So what’s just happened right now is we’ve just watched nearly four entire minutes of our very first Alexandra Burke video. Yeah, she’s back which is probably not a coincidence, but more of an elephant in the room as she so candidly puts it on the song ‘Elephant.’ It’s all just a bit unfortunate really.

Brilliantly, you can’t embed the video yet, so if you want to actually see it after listening to that cod-club bilge, click here

We all just need to calm down a minute. You might think The Shins are a boring band and this video proves you 500 per cent right, but we’re still standing by them.

It could be captivating if you… no? Okay. Sorry. Moving on, we here at the ‘spray like to teach you, dear reader, stuff. Not how to read; we don’t want you to leave, but how to see in colour—it’s something they can do now with technology and stuff. Sadly OK GO got their first as per.

We know it’s for Big Bird and his friends on ‘the farm’ but hopefully now you will all see how OK GO are little more than a meme. Can we all move on from their 753 trick pony now?

Addendum- if you’re still helplessly trying to be relevant then you can watch the numerous parodies of Lana Del Ray that are being knocked together in studios across the world. One of them features her off of that film about the funny women and the other features the comedian not off of the funny film with the women, but does have some references to teenage literature.

We’ll let you decide what you want to do with that.

hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.

So is she?

Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.

So what makes people think Clarkson is a lavenderist? Well, it seems to revolve around two things:

1. She’s single.

2. She’s not thin. Sometimes.

And so, with that, she absolutely must be dining at the hooded buffet, right?

Well, the singer revealed:

“People are really concerned about my relationship status. When I tell people I’m happy being single, they don’t believe me. They say: “You have to be miserable being alone.”

Yes, but when you’re not being happily alone, are you fingering women?

“I’m not gay. If I was, I’d say ‘I love women!’ That’s why it drives me nuts. But I feel like even if I did say it, people would be like: ‘You’re just trying to do that to win the gay audience.’”

Poor Kelly Clarkson. She’ll have to carry on staring at pictures of disgusting male members online ’til this all blows over. Or she releases a decent record. Whatever comes first really.

Cock it is.

Awards ceremonies are pointless, unless you win something at one of them. Then they’re the best thing ever for all of around 5 seconds (basically, ’til the free bar is closed). So should we get worked up about them? 

OF COURSE WE SHOULD! These junkets are there to be mocked mercilessly. They are arbiters of taste and all that is deemed good, so everyone should gather round them and poke them with as many pointed sticks as they can get their awful, grubby little hands on.

So you’ll be thrilled to know that a bunch of musicians are going to hold a protest outside Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony over a decision to unceremoniously axe 31 ‘ethnic and minority musical categories’ from the bash.

Now, we’re not saying that the Grammies are racist at all. However, this protest seems to be implying that is what’s going on here. Organisers of the protest are hoping that fans and artists around the world of Latin jazz, gospel and blues will join in and attend an alternative concert.

23,000 people have already signed a petition which demands that the Recording Academy reinstate Grammy awards for Native American and Hawaiian music, and reverse cuts in categories for Latin Jazz, Gospel, R&B and Blues that were axed in a seemingly pointless overhaul last year.

And some famous people have signed up too! Paul Simon, Carlos Santana, Bonnie Raitt and Bobby Sanabria are among those that aren’t happy with the cuts.

Spokesman Robert Sax (great name, lad) said that the protest would be held outside the Staples Center in LA before everyone tootles off for the Not Those Awards All-Star Latin Jazz Jam at a Los Angeles nightclub.

Jazz artist, Matos, says:

“We are holding this concert to remind music fans about all the great music that has been eliminated from the Grammys. To paraphrase what Frank Sinatra said at the first Grammy Awards in 1959, ‘Remember, the awards are about excellence, not popularity.’”

And who leads the pack at the Grammies? Well, Kanye West has seven nominations and Bruno Mars has a bunch too. Rihanna will also be performing, which really drives a nail into the coffin of the argument that the Grammies are a bit racist.

Oh well.

At least the cocaine dealers will be having a good time in the run-up to it.

Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children. 

Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.

Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.

Epidemiologists are hard at work trying to establish the root cause of the problem but rumours circulating on the internet suggest this may be the beginning of a phenomenon known as “Biebergeddon“- the destruction of life as we know it, directly proportional to the actions of Canadian pop singer Justin Bieber.

The exact “flash point” of this mysterious outbreak is unknown but our exclusive hecklerspray source has suggested that it relates to a crossover in fandoms between former Ellen Degeneres lookalike Bieber and UK boy band The Wanted. It is thought that Bieber’s acknowledgement of The Wanted on Twitter has sparked this epidemic of spontaneous combustion which is currently spreading across Britain and the United States of America, with many more countries likely to fall within the next two to three hours.

The offending tweet is reproduced below. It has been censored in case any teenagers happen upon it. Should any responsible adults wish to see the full tweet, an unedited version is available by clicking on the image.

Suggestions that the condition was exacerbated by Wanted member Tom Parker‘s response, suggesting that the two acts might actually be “bros” and therefore, in the modern vernacular, “friends”. This is allegedly responsible for up to 25% of the erroneous blow-outs.

Current government advice suggests that all children who fall within the demographic should be wrapped in fireproof blankets to prevent the spread of fire and should be quarantined in an area free of a broadband connection.

Parents are reminded of the potential dangers of so-called “smart” mobile phones which are able to grant access to the internet. A US/UK government task force is currently deploying quarantine units in the centre of all major cities, where laptops, tablets and phones can be deposited for safe-keeping.

So far, the UN has stopped short of declaring a State of Emergency and the British Medical Association & World Health Organisation have both moved to deny the existence of Biebergeddon, suggesting that the heightened state of alert is a result of tabloid scaremongering and that the actual numbers of spontaneous combustions are in the tens rather than the hundreds of thousands, as reported by major news organisations.

To all citizens of the world we say only this: stay safe out there & All Hail Our Dormice Overlords!

Y’know rich, successful, universally adored and fancied Gwen Stefani? She’s not happy with her life. See, despite the fact that, now she’s single, she could do as she damn well pleases with whoever she goddamn wants to, she’s not liking the fact she’s a woman.

Poor Gwen. With those lovely woman boobs and lack of disgusting man-penis.

When Stefani comes back in the next life – which won’t happen because reincarnation absolutely doesn’t exist – she would like to come back as a human man.

She said:

“Until now I had two serious relationships. And one of the men I married!”

But has she missed out, what with having all that marriage?

“Absolutely not. A while ago a friend told me she dates two men simultaneously. That really blew me away! But in my next life I’m gonna come back as a man and behave like a bitch!”

She wants to come back as a man, but behave like a woman with two boyfriends?

Fine, whatever. If rumours are true that she’s splitting up with Gavin Rossdale (and you would totally dump him – have you heard Bush’s records? Exactly), then why doesn’t she stop this whole ‘waiting for reincarnation’ thing and just slag it up like the rest of us?

Well. Those of us lucky enough to attract other humans in a sexual way.

Either way, Gwen hasn’t learned her lesson at all and has a firm idea of what she finds appealing in a man. She is only attracted to people who are creative. Apparently, creative men are…

“super sexy”

Or, if you prefer ‘untrustworthy, impractical tramps’. Whatever floats your boat Gwen.

WAIT A MINUTE! SHE’S CALLED GWEN! WHAT IS SHE?! SOME KIND OF ’50s WELSH MINER’S WIFE? Sheesh. Can’t believe we only just noticed that.

Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Hova and Bey stayed out ’til arout 4 am at Jiggaman’s club 40/40 according to various people staring at some drunk celebrities, clearly having nothing better to do with their evening.

An obviously concerned source noted that Beyonce attended the afterparty:

“She arrived with her mother, Tina Knowles ,” and her mother-in-law, Gloria Carter. After “sprinting through a side entrance” shortly before midnight, Beyoncé toured the club for the first time since its renovation”

So far, so spectacularly dull.

However, Beyonce was seen sipping ‘what appeared to be a glass of bubbly’ around 3am, while tottering around in a cleavage-erupting red dress and embroidered Christian Louboutin shoes like some kind of expensive prostitute… and all the while, Jay stuck around ’til kicking-out time, throwing drinks down his famous, but irresponsible neck with Nas and some marketing bozo called Steve Stoute.

All the while, Blue Ivy was nowhere to be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.

We can only hope for that poor, poor child’s sake, that she won’t be left to fend for herself in the wild again with her awful parents off having the time of their lives like they don’t have an obligation to look after their newborn.

This is all incredibly troubling. It seems Jay Z meant it when he rapped ‘I got 99 problems but my newly born daughter ain’t one’.

We’re legally obliged to parody 99 Problems. Sorry.

Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Lana Del Rey has had her whole adult life and creative outlets bankrolled by her insanely wealthy father and, at various points nearly gave it all up because she had to actually work a little to get anywhere. However, thickos on the internet came to the rescue and made her an overnight sensation!

Things were all going to (a carefully executed by a PR company) plan as she readied her new album! She was going to become a superstar! The golden goose had actually delivered!

The key cog would be a performance on Saturday Night Live! Lana would sing, everyone would swoon and rush out to buy her album, learn all the hackneyed lyrics and eagerly await the tour announcement. She opened her mouth to her largest audience yet and… oh dear… she ended up sounding like a cow in labour. The plan was ruined.

And so, the tour which Del Rey was supposed to do has been postponed, thanks to everyone finding out she can’t sing at all.

Her dreadful, near lifeless performance on SNL is squarely being blamed.

Next month, the Video Games singer was supposed to kick off a 30-date tour across America, but alas, thanks to revealing to all that she croons like a whale with it’s dick in a vice, she’s thought it best to call the whole thing off and book some singing lessons, stat.

A source tells the New York Post gossip column Page Six:

“(Lana) and her manager decided to cancel (the tour) after SNL. She was very upset. They figure it allows time for her to clear her head, then go back to selling tickets. More importantly, they figure the extra time gives them more distance from SNL.”

Of course, THAT SNL PERFORMANCE has already been sent-up by Kristen Wiig (see it here) which, well, almost sticks-up for the tuneless, preening Del Rey, but either way, what happens now is that the singer will now go away, work on her vocals and come-to-bed-eyes while her management rethinks the live shows and the entire trajectory of her impossibly orchestrated career.

God, this’ll be tedious.

Karl Lagerfeld has the feminists and fat chicks bunching their panties in disgust over his latest outburst.

Remember. This is an outburst from an old man who works in the fashion industry.

We don’t know what magic mirror Lagerfeld is looking into, but despite looking like an anorexic-shell-less-tortoise/panda hybrid, Lagerfeld takes it upon himself to be the aesthetic judge of the universe. And this time, he’s decided to pass judgement on Adele. You can see where this is going can’t you?

However, we can’t help but think he has a point here: speaking of rotund songbird Adele , the spindly one said:

“She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

Right. And this is news to who? Lagerfeld might as well have stated that bears like to defecate in woods, or that Lindsay Lohan probably won’t be around to pick up her pension.

Considering his previous pearls of wisdom have included his theory on ugly men being the largest cause of Russian lesbianism, how no-one loves a fat chick and that all Greek have filthy habits, Adele got off pretty lightly. He didn’t even recycle a Yo Mumma joke or that one about fat chicks being like vespas.

Extra credit: Phil or Karl? Which quote is from loveable rogue Prince Phillip, and which is pure Karl.

1. Nobody wants Greece to disappear, but they have really disgusting habits. Italy as well.
2. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.
3. What are you doing here? Well, you didn’t have to come.
4. My thing is to work more than the others to show them how useless they are
5. (Talking about Beijing) Ghastly
6. Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!
7. I’m rather pro-prostitution
8. Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?
9. I have no human feelings
10. (Talking about Stoke-On-Trent) Ghastly

Answers on reverse of page

Okay. Credit where credit is due: Madonna’s halftime show at the Super Bowl was pretty brilliant. That’s even taking into account that LMFAO showed up and the always disappointing MIA flipped the bird in an attempt to show her terrible hipster fans that she hadn’t ‘sold out’.

And so, if the Super Bowl show was anything to go by, Madge’s announcement that she will be going on a tour of the world should be met with some excitement.

Provided of course, her new LP (dubbed ‘MDNA’) isn’t a gigantic brown trout of a release.

Madge will go on tour from May, starting in Israel (can’t see her causing loads of trouble there) before moving on to Europe, with legs in South America and Australia, where she has not performed for 20 years.

The 2012 World Tour will be the first jaunt for someone we’re legally obliged to call ‘Material Girl’ at least once in this article since her “Sticky & Sweet Tour” in 2008/9. She’ll be stopping off in cities including London, Edinburgh, Paris, Milan, Abu Dhabi and Berlin.

The tour starts on May 29th in Tel Aviv, then buggers off to Abu Dhabi and Istanbul in early June. Then, she’ll take her circus to Europe, which concludes on August 21st in Nice, France.

The North American, South American and Australian legs don’t have dates yet, so stop stomping your feet and whinging about it. She just likes the Middle East and Europe best, okay?

Either way, if her new album turns out to be a howler, at least she’s got a very impressive back-catalogue to lean on.

Failing that, she can just hire a young popstar to come on-stage with her and make a vaguely rude hand gesture or, better yet, she can try and outdo her Britney-kiss and have full-on, fisting sex with Adele or something.

And who wouldn’t want to see that?

Even though Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s marriage was something of a surprise, one good thing about it was that their idiocy was self-contained. They could spend time together being irritating toward each other, occasionally giving us plebians a rest. However, they went and spoiled it all.

Since the couple split, they’re about to unleash their OOOH AREN’T I DIFFERENT AND FUNNY AND QUIRKY on the world again, however, now it’ll be ramped up because they have something to prove to each other.

So now, the circus of who Brand and Perry will try and have sex with next is rolling into town. So step up the most irritating actress of a generation and a farcical god-fearing American footballerist!

First up, we have Katy Perry. There’s a preposterous rumour going around that she’s having a romance with Tim Tebow. If you don’t know who Tebow is, then all you need to know is this: He plays American football for the Denver Broncos and he’s hilariously Christian. Seriously. To say he has a propensity for getting down on one-knee and thinking about God is an understatement. So frequent are his prayers that he’s probably shaved three years off his sporting career, slowly eroding his left praying knee.

Well, Perry dedicated a song to him at a pre-Super Bowl gig. Apparently, Perry’s mother is very keen to get her daughter with Tebow because she believes him to be ”handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”

With that, Perry dedicated her song Peacock to him. She then proceeded to sing…

“I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock, your peacock, cock.”

Jesus H. Christ.

So what’s Brand doing? Well, he’s apparently got his sights set firmly on Zooey Deschanel. Not only does Zooey look a bit like Katy Perry, but she’s also a simpering fan of The Smiths, just like Brand. They can sit around listening to cod-poetic lyrics and coo about Johnny Marr’s hair.

A source told OK! magazine (massively trustworthy):

“Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time. And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together. He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute, too. He loves her quirky sense of humour, and thinks they’d be great together both on-and off-screen. There’s a real spark there.”

Whatever happens, we’ll probably all get to hear about it in a new version of Brand’s Booky Wook.

Now, can a government pass a law where we can round these four people up and have them flogged to death on a hillside for us all to see?

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.

The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.

What gives?

A publicist for the Carter family confirmed the young woman’s death, but provided no details Wednesday on where or how she died.

A statement from the family says they’re grieving for Carter and requested “the utmost privacy.”

Leslie of course, released a single called ‘Like Wow’ which was on the soundtrack for ‘Shrek’ and of course, she was a star of the reality show ‘House of Carters.’

That all taken into account, we’ve no idea how to react to this.

Basically, Leslie Carter is a veritable nobody, so we really shouldn’t care. However, she’s a dead 25 year old woman, which is pretty dreadful, however she died.

So what are we supposed to do? If word gets out it was drugs or drink or, indeed, a sexual misadventure, we can assume the position of ‘Haw! Haw! How very funny!‘ but if it transpires that she died of something upsetting, then we’ll have to wring our hands and work out whether she’s important enough to feign upset over.

This is all very inconsiderate of the Carter family. We’re aware that they’re grieving, but really, they should’ve thought of us lot first.

We simply don’t know what to do.

Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.

Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.

And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…

The video for ‘Stupid Hoe’ (or ‘Stupid Stupid’ if you’re listening to the edited, radio-friendly version) is the usual bubblegum Grace Jones schtick, with Minaj batting her eyelashes like a prom queen, as well as the typical post-GaGa ‘unusual make-up’ thing.

So far, so Minaj-by-numbers.

However, the song itself lacks the synth-wizz that adorns 99% of pop-tracks currently. Instead, she’s gone for a sparse drum-machine, basskick number, complete with a ‘woopwoop’ noise that is more irritating that a thousand toddlers vying for your attention.

Essentially, listening to a Nicki Minaj record allows you to feel the unswerving anguish of being a teacher at a kindergarten.

And so, forget all that obvious talent she’s got and get your ears round this. You may titter at some of her lyrics (especially those concerning Roman Polanski and Michael Jackson), but alas, you may never even get to them as you hack at your ears with a stapler in a bid to make it all end.

LUCKY YOU! ENJOY! ETC!

When Michael Jackson was alive (he’s very much dead these days), he ended up getting married to Lisa Marie Presley. It was weird. The King Of Pop shacking up with The King Of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s daughter. Mixing pop royalty like that… it’s incestuous and odd.

And guess what is going to happen?

That’s right, with a little bit of history repeating itself, Michael’s daughter – Paris Jackson – is giving the sex-eye to pop midget, Justin Bieber. You can just imagine the people behind both of these veritable toddlers advising them about how good a relationship with each other would be for their careers. Blecch!

It appears that Paris is not able to resist the juggernaut charm of Bieber, after she introduced him at her father’s tribute show in Hollywood.

It is reported that she ‘nearly melted in the process’. Much like her father’s face then? Nice that someone should carry on the noble family tradition.

In her intro, Paris said:

“We are all very big fans of [Justin] and his music” — and then, with a coy smile, she added, “I know I am.”

Then, Justin appeared to thunderous screams (again, much like the screams Michael would be greeted by when he found himself dazed and drugged and wandering around a playground without his special Bad trousers on) and rattled through a version of ‘Rockin’ Robin’, which MJ covered back in ’72.

Sadly, now Bieber has covered the song, it has rendered it unlistenable forever more.

Either way, keep an eye out for a gut-wrenching break-up between Bieber and Selena Gomez as he cruelly tosses her aside for a more famous, more bizarre Jackson sprog.

Good news is, is that this could get very, very ugly indeed. She’s the one with a tea-towel on her head, right?