You all remember Kim Kardashian, right? She’s the business woman and entrepreneur who is also the star of her own reality television series with her whole family. She’s worth a bit of cash is Kim but, in keeping with the American dream, vacuous idiots can always have more.

Is Kim Kardashian a vacuous idiot? IS SHE? WE ASKED IF YOU THOUGHT KIMMY K WAS A BLITHERING NINCOMPOOP?

No, of course she isn’t. Why?

Well, you might remember (or have had it forced down your throat by us every two days for the last month) that Kim was married to a young gentleman called Kris Humphries. Their marriage lasted something like 70 days before it was declared that they were splitting up citing “musical differences” or some such nonsense.

Many people with an iota of sense have claimed that the marriage was a stitch-up job, designed to allow Kim to sell the TV rights to her inspiring ‘life after Kris’ story and make a mint in the process. You’re probably thinking “Oh no! Poor Kris Humphries that I’ve never heard of before!” Don’t worry. He’s in on it too.

That makes Kim Kardashian a very intelligent woman indeed. Imagine the show! Think Katie Price’s documentary after her split with middle-parting extraordinaire Peter Andre. But with a bigger arse and a bigger budget.

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? The chance to see a grown woman pretend to be heartbroken for the benefit of a camera crew. Still, she’s got to keep the illusion up and who better to “set the record straight” than Kim’s very own Mum.

Dear ol’ Mama Jenner told Now! Magazine:

‘It certainly wasn’t a sham or something for TV,’

It certainly was.

‘We have enough going on that we don’t need to make things up.’

They don’t have to make things up. They have enough going on. They’ve just finished redecorating the Moon Base and they’re now moving on to upgrade the engines in Mrs Jenner’s Krispy Kreme sponsored Donut Rocket.

‘Kim really felt like she was in love with money Kris Humphries. It was an amazing time. Like all of us that were watching, I had no idea there was a problem.’

Perhaps if they had done a ‘Newlyweds’ style show, the American public could have seen the cracks forming! Everyone likes to see a couple hurtle perpetually towards a messy divorce.

‘It saddens me that one of the rumours is we sold the TV rights, which isn’t true. And that she profited from the wedding is absolutely not true.’

It’s not true, y’hear? Not true. That’s her mum saying that and she would have been involved in the negotiation of any TV rights so you can rest assured that it’s all poppycock.

‘She feels like she’s let a lot of people down. She’s sick about it.’

That’s true. It hasn’t been the same since Stuart Heritage left.

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Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.

In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.

Yes really.

Seeing as Jodie used to be a glamour model (now a woman clearly broken by the battle with Jordan/Katie Price/The Woman Who Made Peter Andre Cry), we should take note of her views on beauty. If anyone knows about all that, then it’s Jodie ‘Looks Like A Condom Full Of Conkers’ Marsh.

So now, we’ll all be wanting to look just like her, right?

Well, to achieve this look, we must follow her diet of egg whites and protein shakes while hitting the gymnasium, constantly.

Soon, we will all look like broken sideboards!

Says Jodie, with her massively muscular lower mandible:

‘I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked’

‘If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal.

‘I think I still look really feminine.’

Jodie Marsh there, with her penis waggling around. And she’s going to keep this up. This isn’t some flight of fancy. Nosireebob!

‘I feel proud when I look in the mirror’

‘I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, f*cking hell, I love it so much!’

Hands up if you can’t believe it either.

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That Amanda Knox lass and her apparently non murdering ways have grabbed all the headlines this week. Which is a shame as this whole murder in Perugia fiasco has completely overshadowed the return of Jodie Marsh.

Some new photos of Jodie, the suspected inspiration for BBC 3 smash Snog, Marry, Avoid, have surfaced that show the former glam… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!

Seriously. Click over the jump for the fright of your life.

That’s right.

Jodie Marsh has gone from a back alley slag with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles to…

…well…

…the incredible hulk with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles.

Jodie’s apparently been lifting weights for a while in a bid to shed the pounds, but has taken it to the extreme so that she could compete in the Natural Physique Association British Championships.

Although we can’t help but notice that there are two very obvious parts of her physique that aren’t natural.

As ridiculous as she may look now, we can’t help but admire Jodie for her determination to lose weight and get fit for absolutely no prof…

Oh, she’s got a new show out called Jodie Marsh: Bodybuilder? Of course she has, at least it’s better than that time she tried got get married on MTV.

As you were.

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Chances are, you’re a human. Or thereabouts. If that’s the case, then there’s a very strong chance that you find Scarlett Johansson sexually attractive.

If that happens to be true, then you’ll be thrilled to learn that pictures which appear to contain the Hollywood star with no clothes on, have emerged online.

Yes. They’re over the jump and they’re no exactly safe to be viewed at work, okay?

Of course, you’re not reading these words. You hate words.

You like photographs with naked celebrities in don’t you?

You’re disgusting.

We kinda like you for it.

Anyway, legally, we have to say that we don’t know if these shots are the real deal or not, but they certainly look the part.

If they turn out to be true, then boy howdy!

If boobies aren’t your thing, then maybe bums are?

Pictures discovered on Reddit.

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Of late, pop music seems to have left Britney Spears behind. She’s looking slow, old and lacking in the vitality that once made her so much fun to have around. A string of disastrous romances, leaked druggy-looking videos and court cases have left Britney wobbling around with the grace of a mop bucket.

And so, even though her last two singles have been pretty decent dancefloor fodder, there’s still that magic missing from previous years.

So, to make her tour fun, vital and action packed, she’s reportedly hiring Nicki Minaj to be her opening act, which should liven things up before Spears appears on-stage looking like a tired boxer.

Apparently, a deal was signed several days ago and Britney is thrilled, because it means that her fans will be able to see some dance moves in what was promising to be a routineless tour.

Fans should be chuffed too because the other rumoured support act was the insipid Enrique Iglasias, who is about as much fun as finding a spent condom in your pocket. We suspect his tender little ego couldn’t handle opening for Spears anyway.

Minaj is on tour with Lil Wayne, which is all well and good, but gigging with Britney could see her propelled into genuine superstardom… provided of course, she actually makes some records that are as weird and fun as Minaj’s persona promises (she’s been a little too tame for our liking thus far).

The tour kicks off June 17 in Sacramento, which is a fun word to say.

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Rihanna is amazing in every single way. Just deal with it. We’ve tried to think of negatives concerning her, but ultimately, can’t. And she’s teamed up with the cartoon doodle of a human, Nicki Minaj.

You know Nicki Minaj, right? She’s the one who looks a bit like a blow-up doll, as imagined by a Manga animator who has been having wet-dreams after watching Barbarella.

Well, the two have teamed-up, in what must be some people’s ideal hook-up (musically, sexually, whatever) and of course, some people’s idea of pure, undiluted hell. Either way, they’re both tag-teaming, grabbing each other’s arses which, of course, is set to save the world. No, seriously.

So, Rihanna and Minaj are working together on the MC’s next single ‘Fly’ and, over the weekend, Rihanna tweeted a photo of the two on-set pulling stoopid faces while in full costume for the video. Nothing really to report there, right?

As you can see in the snap below (which Rihanna tweeted), the ‘Rubeboy’ singer is showing off bright red hair and pouting like a Geordie in a nightclub while Nicki has gigantic eyelashes and an afro quiff alongside the kind of bra that could quite easily have your eye out.

Just swell. But you want to know about vague lesbianism, don’t you? Mucky git.

RiRi tweeted:

“Me and Nikki in our new crib, lol! Gettin busy on set of FLY!!! Its so hard to keep my hands off!”

D’aw! You girls! What are you like? We’ll tell you what they’re like – Rihanna can’t spell Nicki Minaj, as the rapper pointed out eloquently:

“Lol. If we’re gonna liv 2gthr and hook up u gotta learn how 2 spell my name! Lmaooooooo”

Of course, with Minaj being openly bisexual, this will no doubt leave some of you dirty buggers picturing the pair all naked and doing the sex. Shame really because, while Rihanna seemingly can’t keep her hands off Minaj…

“I love Ri Ri! I mean, when she’s not grabbing my ass, she’s a sweet girl”

…the pair are actually trying to save the world. That’s right. Our failing species is going to get salvation for Rihanna and Nicki Minaj’s new promotional video for a song about flies.

Says Minaj:

“We’re going to save the world in more ways than one with the video, and that’s all I can say about that.”

So start showing some stinkin’ respect for these two, okay? They’re modern day superheroes (with the costumes and everything) with… er… nice racks.

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Right, whichever one of you wrote to Santa asking to see what Amy Winehouse’s boobs look like, you’ve got detention for a month.

Thanks to you, someone’s taken a load of photos of Amy Winehouse topless on holiday and spread them across the internet like some sort of obscene dirty protest.

However, the good news is that Amy Winehouse looks less like the emaciated hollow-eyed wreck we’ve all seen in the papers for the last 18 months and more like an actual human. The bad news is that they’re pictures of Amy Winehouse topless. How much worse do you want? Jesus.

You might have thought that, since we haven’t really mentioned her for a couple of months, Amy Winehouse is back on the mend again. That’s not completely true – since her husband got released from jail she’s apparently been starting divorce proceedings while being treated for any one of her 4,000 illnesses – but the thought of discussing Amy Winehouse more than we absolutely have to makes us want to gas ourselves in an oven. That’s why we decided that we’re only going to talk about Amy Winehouse whenever she does something of hugely important global consequence.

Like, for example, Amy Winehouse going topless on a beach. That is important, isn’t it? Anyone? Hello?

Oh, screw you all. Look, Amy Winehouse was been photographed completely topless on a beach during a holiday in St Lucia. And it’s important not just because of stupid titillation, but because it provides concrete evidence that Amy Winehouse’s cadaverous ribcage doesn’t only contain the screaming souls of her prey like the Ghost Of Christmas Past in Scrooged.

Also, you can totally see Amy Winehouse’s nipples. Or at least we assume you can – thanks to a mixture of decency and unstoppable nausea we haven’t quite worked up the courage to look at the uncensored photos. Anyway, News Of The World reports:

Unless I’m very much mistaken the Rehab star, who has battled drugs, was sporting a very healthy looking tum. One onlooker told me: “Amy just whipped off her top and dived in to the sea without a care in the world. She was looking a better than she has for a while. A bit of sun is just what she needs.”

That’s it? The only thing that Amy Winehouse needed to make her better was a bit of sun on her tits? At least that explains why she went so mental last time someone tried to put her in rehab – the only thing Amy Winehouse was going to get on her tits on an island in the North Sea was four layers of goosebumps and the occasional dollop of ice-cold seagull turd.

In fact, the more we think about this ‘a bit of sun is just what she needs’ theory, the more we can see the logic in it. That’s why we propose that someone packs Amy Winehouse into a tiny little rocket and catapults her directly into the middle of the solar system as soon as possible. She’ll be much better after that.

Also we won’t have to keep doing our best to avoid pictures of Amy Winehouse topless all the time. It’s literally a win-win.

Read more:

Naked Amy-bition - News Of The World

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Everyone wants to see Bronx Mowgli Wentz – because if the face matches the name then that’s one ugly baby.

But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.

Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.

We don’t know about you, but we’re all celebrity babied out this week. Seriously, Ricky Martin’s mechanically-farmed twins have absolutely given us our fill of looking at the offspring of people we almost certainly wouldn’t be able to spend more than 30 seconds around in public before hurling ourselves out of the nearest window.

So we should be thankful to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, then, because they’ve decided not to sell pictures of their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz to the highest bidder. On his blog, Pete Wentz wrote:

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him. We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now.

That’s a shame, because we heard that babies created by half of the rhythm section from a second-rate emo band and a woman who’s famous because she’s the sister of a woman with moviestar pretensions even though she’s never been in a single decent movie tend to go for millions.

But still, it’s weirdly noble that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have decided not to sell their baby photos to a magazine for cash. And we’re sure that Bronx Mowgli will grow up to be eternally grateful because they chose not to exchange a photo of him looking like an unrecognisable lump of flesh for millions of dollars that they could have put in a trust fund to pay for his education. Really.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson obviously want their son to be brought up as normally as possibly – at least until little Bronx Mowgli realises that not every child has a name that’s a composite of a geographical location and a Disney character, of course, because that’s the day that Bronx Mowgli will be arrested for stabbing his parents to death, and that isn’t very normal at all.

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You know the 2009 Campari calender, the one where Jessica Alba pouts and struts like the sexiest little Greek boy alive?

You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?

Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.

For all of Kate Winslet’s endless whining, airbrushing is now completely the norm when it comes to professional celebrity photography. And it’s just as well because, if people really looked like they did in the photoshoots, then Hollywood would be full of waxy-skinned aliens who look like they’d snap in half if you touched them and constantly wear the same warped, completely immobile facial expression.

And, you know, we’ve already got Nicole Kidman for that.

But for some reason the issue of airbrushing has popped up again, and it’s all thanks to Jessica Alba’s 2009 Campari calender. You may remember the media froth about Jessica Alba’s calender photos when they were released last week. This wasn’t just because Jessica Alba and Campari are such a perfect match – one is an iconic drink that everyone secretly thinks is disgusting and the other is a celebrated actress who has never made a good film – but because Jessica Alba looked tanned and slim and sexy even though she only had a baby about five minutes ago.

Seriously, it’s an accomplishment – would you want to see Lisa Marie Presley‘s post-baby swimsuit calender? No you wouldn’t, so Jessica Alba should be congratulated for her physique.

Or, to be slightly more accurate, whoever was in charge of airbrushing all the residual pregnancy wobbles off Jessica Alba’s body should be congratulated for her physique. As the LA Times reports, a set of before-and-after photos leaked onto the internet show just how much work was done on the snaps:

In the before shot, she’s slightly fuller around the hips and waist. In the after, she has a darker tan, narrower chin, less flesh on her thighs, less crinkles on the shorts, a way perkier and more defined bust and brighter makeup. Heck, even the pool water color has been popped to a deeper turquoise!

We’ve seen these before-and-after photos of Jessica Alba, and the level of digital manipulation is just shameless in some pictures. For instance, in one before shot Jessica Alba might look a little pale, somewhat drawn around the eyes and infinitesimally less skinny than usual, but she still gives off the impression of being an incredibly sexy, confident young mother.

But after the airbrushers had been to work, however, she’s barely recognisable – the size of her external fascia had been adjusted to W607mm/D495mm, someone had installed a manual control under her ashpan cover and she was clearly sporting an artificial burning coal effect. In retrospect, there’s a chance that we were actually looking at a picture of a Valor DGF special inset gas fire rather than the Jessica Alba Campari calender, but our point still stands.

Anyway, regardless of the level of airbrushing that may or may not have happened in the photoshoot, good for Jessica Alba. She’s shown that women can have it all – they can have a glamorous calender for Italian booze and a baby who can’t remember what its mother looks like because she’s panting away on a treadmill for 23 hours a day out of a genuine fear that her career’s over because people might fancy Megan Fox slightly more than her now. Jessica Alba, you’re like a champion of feminism or something.

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If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.

Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

He may have only been born a week ago, but nevertheless it’ll still go down in history as the happiest week of baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s life. Over the coming days, weeks and months Bronx Mowgli will start to develop sentient thought, and then it’s all going to go tits up.

In time, Bronx Mowgli will discover that the bad noise he’s constantly forced to listen to is what his father does for a living, that the glowing orange woman with the Tonka truck jaw who keep visiting him is actually his aunt and – worst of all – that people keep saying the stupefying phrase ‘Bronx Mowgli’ around him because that’s actually his sodding name. We wouldn’t like to be him when he works that one out.

But it’s not all bad news for Bronx Mowgli Wentz, because there’s a very good likelihood that he’ll be richer than his wildest dreams in the next week or two. Although he’s just the lowly son of the bassist from the world’s sixth most interesting emo band and a woman primarily famous for being the sister of another woman who had a reality TV show once, exclusive baby photos of Bronx Mowgli Wentz could fetch anything up to $2 million. Monsters And Critics reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman said: “I see Ashlee and Pete coming in at the low seven figures mark. Two million seems like a good, solid figure for Ashlee and Pete. It’s a two-celeb couple, so that’s a boost for them. Keep in mind, last year, Ashlee was the girl who sang along to the tape recorder. It was a PR nightmare. Now, she’s a newlywed and a new mom, so she’s a lot more relatable.”

Two million dollars seems like quite an optimistic figure for pictures of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, doesn’t it? Remember that Christina Aguilera was only paid $1.5 million for her baby photos and it turned out that nobody could be bothered to get excited about them. And since Christina Aguilera is a woman who most people have actually heard of, it wouldn’t seem like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are in for a monster payday.

Cuh. First no free BMW and now a potentially reduced fee for pictures of their baby? Why, it’s almost like nobody really cares about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, isn’t it?

But, however much Pete and Ashlee do end up getting for their baby photos, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz can grow up in the knowledge that his parents got to spend that money on whatever exciting crap they wanted. Not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie‘s twins, who could only look on helplessly as their parents donated their fee to charity. The stupid charity-loving idiots.

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It’s been forever since a young Disney star got naked on the internet, so Adrienne Bailon deserves a flipping medal or something.

Don’t know who Adrienne Bailon is? Don’t worry – neither do we! Just know that there are naked Adrienne Bailon photos all over the internet, and there’s supposedly a sex tape on the way too. Best of all, Adrienne Bailon is 25 years old, so you can look at her naked photos without being terrified that the police will find the images on your hard drive and get all Gary Glitter on you.

We’re sure this is hugely embarrassing time for Adrienne Bailon, and the poor girl’s probably worried that these naked photos will spell the end of her career – but there’s no reason for that to happen. Just look at Kim Kardashian – a similar thing happened to her and she managed to last three full weeks on Dancing With The Stars. That’s the big time, Adrienne!

We know this makes us sound old, but naked internet photos of female celebrities just aren’t what they were. Time was you’d be tripping over all sorts of nude photos of everyone from Vanessa Hudgens out of High School Musical to the dull one from Sex And The City to the ginger mannish one from Desperate Housewives.

But now? Now people are so uptight that they throw a tantrum if they see some of Miley Cyrus’ back. That’s hardly the reaction of a rational society, and so we all need to thank Adrienne Bailon with all our hearts for what she’s just done.

You see, naked photos of Adrienne Bailon have appeared on the internet, and they’ve created a sort of perfect naked storm. Here’s why.

Adriene Bailon is one of the stars of Disney’s Cheetah Girls – which means there’s corrupted youth, the tainted reputation of an organisation that prides itself on family appeal and something for the dads. Adrienne Bailon is 25 – which means there isn’t the moral iffyness that you get from gawping at a naked teenager. Adrienne Bailon is also dating Kim Kardashian’s brother – which means there’s an ingrained tradition of getting naked on the internet at work. And, best of all, there’s supposedly an Adrienne Bailon sex tape on the loose as well – which means that she’s definitely a bit dirty and can’t get away with the ‘this was a one-time mistake’ excuse. See? Perfect.

Now, the usual formula of reacting to this sort of thing involves a couple of weeks spent complaining about intrusion of privacy until the girl realises that she can make millions of dollars by agreeing to distribute the sex tape. But that’s not the case with the naked pictures of Adrienne Bailon, because Adrienne is furious enough to sue anyone who distributes her naked photos. Her lawyer has released the following statement:

“The photos that have surfaced of Adrienne Bailon were stolen from her laptop over a week ago at an airport in NY and sent to several media outlets. These photos were taken in private. Adrienne will be pursuing legal action against the person or person’s sending these private photos out. Adrienne is deeply sorry for any pain this may have caused to her fans.“

Honestly, was that really necessary? By all means Adrienne Bailon should sue anyone who tries to distribute these naked photos of her – even though they’ve made her a billion times more famous than she was a couple of weeks go – but come on.

Lawyers are expensive, and it’s silly to waste your money paying them to apologise to your fans. You’re a Cheetah Girl, for crying out loud. How many fans have you got? And don’t count all the randy old pervert fans you’ve picked up in the last couple of days. That’d be cheating.

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It wasn’t so long ago that some guy hacked into Hanna Montana’s Gmail account, stole some pictures of her soaking wet, and forced the world to look at them while they surfed the net at work and what-not.

Such massive overexposure to a pretty much genderless, pre-pubescent body made everybody outside of the Glitter household puke at the same time. This vomit eventually trickled into the Atlantic, and then floated north until its acidic content had melted all the ice caps, robbing millions of polar bears of their natural hunting grounds, and covering their edible penguins in a filthy, orange coat of watery slime.

Why PETA hasn’t raised more of a stink about this we’ll never know.

Anyway – the guy that did the hacking, well he’d brag online about how the police would never find him because he moved too often. But now he’s been raided by the FBI. We thought this might happen ever since we heard Cyrus would be playing the part of J Edgar Hoover in a sort of West Wing prequel.

What we’re saying is she’s probably well connected.

Miley Cyrus‘ G rating was officially ripped from her the moment some 19-year-old guy guessed her email password and used it to obtain pictures of her apparently three-year-old body posed this way and that. He tried selling these pictures, but celebrity news outlets on the up and up weren’t interested in paying for pictures obtained so illegally. That’s why the guy eventually posted them for free.

The moment this happened a cell in Guantanamo got swept out, its weird brown cake-like substance got chiseled off the toilet, and its bed got draped in surprisingly comfortable new linens. That’s because although he didn’t know it – the Miley-hacker made himself the subject of thousands of FBI round table discussions.

Wired has the down low:

“A 19-year-old hacker who published provocative photos of teen queen Miley Cyrus earlier this year was raided by the FBI Monday morning in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. The hacker, Josh Holly, repeatedly bragged online about breaking into the Disney star’s e-mail account and stealing her photos. He also gave interviews to bloggers and others and boasted that authorities would never find him because he moved so often…

“When agents finally left his apartment after conducting an extensive search, they had three computers and Holly’s phone, among other things.”

While under a heavy interrogation, Holly also confessed to purple-nurpling Raven Symone, dwarf tossing Zack & Cody, and smearing baby wasp eggs all over the insides of Mickey Mouse‘s recently pressed underpants.

Authorities are allegedly seeking out animal cruelty charges over that last incident.

Good. Micky is a cherished icon, and his safety is paramount.

Minnie Driver doesn’t know the rules – celebrity babies only exist to supplement their parents’ giant wages via megabucks magazine deals.

But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

Minnie Driver is a rubbish celebrity, and that’s solid fact. She hasn’t been in any decent films since… well, she hasn’t been in any decent films. Her attempts at songwriting all sound like soggy Dido queef. And she’s handled the birth of her baby like – oh God, we think we’re going to throw up – like a civilian.

To be fair, Minnie Driver had a bash at the celebrity baby thing to begin with – when her giant baby was born last month she decided to name it Story. Which sounds good, until you realise that she also called it Henry. That just displays a lack of focus – Henry Story hardly counts as a celebrity name because only half of its name isn’t a real name. Bogantwaii Story we could have dealt with. Grapefruit Story we could have dealt with. Mmmbop Story we could have dealt with. But Henry Story? Ugh. Get out.

And, just to make sure she’s really rubbing our noses in it, Minnie Driver has decided to shun the traditional celebrity pursuit of selling baby pictures to a magazine for millions of dollars in favour of just bunging a snap on MySpace instead. It’s a bloody disgrace. The New York Daily News reports:

Big photo shoot? Psh! Minnie Driver doesn’t roll that way. The notoriously un-Hollywood actress has posted a photo of her infant son Henry Story Driver on MySpace. Driver’s rep told the Daily News on Monday that her client wasn’t trying to make a statement with Henry’s public debut – she simply wanted to share the photo with friends and fans.

That’s right Minnie Driver, you try to be all clever and anti-establishment. See if we care. Look, if we can’t pay a couple of quid for a rubbish magazine just to gawp at a photo of you holding a baby that’s completely identical to every other baby ever born, then we don’t want to look at the poxy thing at all.

And, oh, MySpace. How very modern of you, Minnie Driver! Why didn’t you go the whole hog and post a video of your baby happyslapping a pensioner on YouTube? Huh? Because… OK, actually we would quite like to see that.

Anyway, good for Minnie Driver. She’s proved once again that she doesn’t buy into the trappings of celebrity life easily, and we can’t help but respect her a little bit for that. Although we can’t help feeling that there’s another, much more obvious, reason for her sticking her baby photos on MySpace – celebrity baby apathy.

It’s simple – the public is so fed up of being force-fed celebrity baby photos that they even react with boredom to pictures of the pictures of megastars like Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. And if pictures of famous babies reduce people to boredom, then imagine what they’d do if they saw Minnie Driver’s baby in a magazine. Riots, looting, the messy destruction of civilisation as we know it. No, Minnie Driver deserves a medal for her good citizenship.

Famous people never learn which is perhaps why we love them ever so dearly. They never learn that you never take scandalous pictures and/or video with your significant other and expect them to remain safely under wraps.

The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

There should be a new law enacted that says that famous people must go through a famous people instructional course to teach them how to not be idiots. The main structure of the course would consist of teaching them to always wear undies with a short dress for a night on the town, never let your husband make a movie with Angelina Jolie, and a full semester on how to not let scandalous photos and videos into the hands of money whoring perverts.

The most optimal solution would not be to make them at all, because even if the photos never make it to the press, we all now know they exist, and it makes for a ridiculously exhausting time trying to block any and all images that may be conjured up.

Especially when the photos in question involve a pasty-skinned royal and his girlfriend. According to Great Britian’s The Sun, a couple of guys tried to sell photos of Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, to the paper an hour after the camera was reported missing. Reportedly, Kate Middleton’s presence in the pictures is assumed at this point, seeing as Price William’s teeth obscure most of her face in all of the shots.

According to The Sun, the pictures apparently held some “sexy snaps” of the couple on vacation in the Caribbean. It seems that any other detailed alliterations were withheld before the publication turned the photos in to London’s Metropolitan Police.

We hope that Prince Willy and his girlfriend will be more careful in the future. Additionally, we hope and pray that any photos of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles that may exist will never be revealed, but since any pictures of them probably disintegrate instantly, we should all be safe.

Right? We’re safe, right??