Thanks to you, someone’s taken a load of photos of Amy Winehouse topless on holiday and spread them across the internet like some sort of obscene dirty protest.

However, the good news is that Amy Winehouse looks less like the emaciated hollow-eyed wreck we’ve all seen in the papers for the last 18 months and more like an actual human. The bad news is that they’re pictures of Amy Winehouse topless. How much worse do you want? Jesus.

You might have thought that, since we haven’t really mentioned her for a couple of months, Amy Winehouse is back on the mend again. That’s not completely true – since her husband got released from jail she’s apparently been starting divorce proceedings while being treated for any one of her 4,000 illnesses – but the thought of discussing Amy Winehouse more than we absolutely have to makes us want to gas ourselves in an oven. That’s why we decided that we’re only going to talk about Amy Winehouse whenever she does something of hugely important global consequence.

Like, for example, Amy Winehouse going topless on a beach. That is important, isn’t it? Anyone? Hello?

Oh, screw you all. Look, Amy Winehouse was been photographed completely topless on a beach during a holiday in St Lucia. And it’s important not just because of stupid titillation, but because it provides concrete evidence that Amy Winehouse’s cadaverous ribcage doesn’t only contain the screaming souls of her prey like the Ghost Of Christmas Past in Scrooged.

Also, you can totally see Amy Winehouse’s nipples. Or at least we assume you can – thanks to a mixture of decency and unstoppable nausea we haven’t quite worked up the courage to look at the uncensored photos. Anyway, News Of The World reports:

Unless I’m very much mistaken the Rehab star, who has battled drugs, was sporting a very healthy looking tum. One onlooker told me: “Amy just whipped off her top and dived in to the sea without a care in the world. She was looking a better than she has for a while. A bit of sun is just what she needs.”

That’s it? The only thing that Amy Winehouse needed to make her better was a bit of sun on her tits? At least that explains why she went so mental last time someone tried to put her in rehab – the only thing Amy Winehouse was going to get on her tits on an island in the North Sea was four layers of goosebumps and the occasional dollop of ice-cold seagull turd.

In fact, the more we think about this ‘a bit of sun is just what she needs’ theory, the more we can see the logic in it. That’s why we propose that someone packs Amy Winehouse into a tiny little rocket and catapults her directly into the middle of the solar system as soon as possible. She’ll be much better after that.

Also we won’t have to keep doing our best to avoid pictures of Amy Winehouse topless all the time. It’s literally a win-win.

Read more:

Naked Amy-bition - News Of The World

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But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.

Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.

We don’t know about you, but we’re all celebrity babied out this week. Seriously, Ricky Martin’s mechanically-farmed twins have absolutely given us our fill of looking at the offspring of people we almost certainly wouldn’t be able to spend more than 30 seconds around in public before hurling ourselves out of the nearest window.

So we should be thankful to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, then, because they’ve decided not to sell pictures of their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz to the highest bidder. On his blog, Pete Wentz wrote:

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him. We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now.

That’s a shame, because we heard that babies created by half of the rhythm section from a second-rate emo band and a woman who’s famous because she’s the sister of a woman with moviestar pretensions even though she’s never been in a single decent movie tend to go for millions.

But still, it’s weirdly noble that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have decided not to sell their baby photos to a magazine for cash. And we’re sure that Bronx Mowgli will grow up to be eternally grateful because they chose not to exchange a photo of him looking like an unrecognisable lump of flesh for millions of dollars that they could have put in a trust fund to pay for his education. Really.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson obviously want their son to be brought up as normally as possibly – at least until little Bronx Mowgli realises that not every child has a name that’s a composite of a geographical location and a Disney character, of course, because that’s the day that Bronx Mowgli will be arrested for stabbing his parents to death, and that isn’t very normal at all.

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You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?

Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.

For all of Kate Winslet’s endless whining, airbrushing is now completely the norm when it comes to professional celebrity photography. And it’s just as well because, if people really looked like they did in the photoshoots, then Hollywood would be full of waxy-skinned aliens who look like they’d snap in half if you touched them and constantly wear the same warped, completely immobile facial expression.

And, you know, we’ve already got Nicole Kidman for that.

But for some reason the issue of airbrushing has popped up again, and it’s all thanks to Jessica Alba’s 2009 Campari calender. You may remember the media froth about Jessica Alba’s calender photos when they were released last week. This wasn’t just because Jessica Alba and Campari are such a perfect match – one is an iconic drink that everyone secretly thinks is disgusting and the other is a celebrated actress who has never made a good film – but because Jessica Alba looked tanned and slim and sexy even though she only had a baby about five minutes ago.

Seriously, it’s an accomplishment – would you want to see Lisa Marie Presley’s post-baby swimsuit calender? No you wouldn’t, so Jessica Alba should be congratulated for her physique.

Or, to be slightly more accurate, whoever was in charge of airbrushing all the residual pregnancy wobbles off Jessica Alba’s body should be congratulated for her physique. As the LA Times reports, a set of before-and-after photos leaked onto the internet show just how much work was done on the snaps:

In the before shot, she’s slightly fuller around the hips and waist. In the after, she has a darker tan, narrower chin, less flesh on her thighs, less crinkles on the shorts, a way perkier and more defined bust and brighter makeup. Heck, even the pool water color has been popped to a deeper turquoise!

We’ve seen these before-and-after photos of Jessica Alba, and the level of digital manipulation is just shameless in some pictures. For instance, in one before shot Jessica Alba might look a little pale, somewhat drawn around the eyes and infinitesimally less skinny than usual, but she still gives off the impression of being an incredibly sexy, confident young mother.

But after the airbrushers had been to work, however, she’s barely recognisable – the size of her external fascia had been adjusted to W607mm/D495mm, someone had installed a manual control under her ashpan cover and she was clearly sporting an artificial burning coal effect. In retrospect, there’s a chance that we were actually looking at a picture of a Valor DGF special inset gas fire rather than the Jessica Alba Campari calender, but our point still stands.

Anyway, regardless of the level of airbrushing that may or may not have happened in the photoshoot, good for Jessica Alba. She’s shown that women can have it all – they can have a glamorous calender for Italian booze and a baby who can’t remember what its mother looks like because she’s panting away on a treadmill for 23 hours a day out of a genuine fear that her career’s over because people might fancy Megan Fox slightly more than her now. Jessica Alba, you’re like a champion of feminism or something.

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Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

He may have only been born a week ago, but nevertheless it’ll still go down in history as the happiest week of baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s life. Over the coming days, weeks and months Bronx Mowgli will start to develop sentient thought, and then it’s all going to go tits up.

In time, Bronx Mowgli will discover that the bad noise he’s constantly forced to listen to is what his father does for a living, that the glowing orange woman with the Tonka truck jaw who keep visiting him is actually his aunt and – worst of all – that people keep saying the stupefying phrase ‘Bronx Mowgli’ around him because that’s actually his sodding name. We wouldn’t like to be him when he works that one out.

But it’s not all bad news for Bronx Mowgli Wentz, because there’s a very good likelihood that he’ll be richer than his wildest dreams in the next week or two. Although he’s just the lowly son of the bassist from the world’s sixth most interesting emo band and a woman primarily famous for being the sister of another woman who had a reality TV show once, exclusive baby photos of Bronx Mowgli Wentz could fetch anything up to $2 million. Monsters And Critics reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman said: “I see Ashlee and Pete coming in at the low seven figures mark. Two million seems like a good, solid figure for Ashlee and Pete. It’s a two-celeb couple, so that’s a boost for them. Keep in mind, last year, Ashlee was the girl who sang along to the tape recorder. It was a PR nightmare. Now, she’s a newlywed and a new mom, so she’s a lot more relatable.”

Two million dollars seems like quite an optimistic figure for pictures of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, doesn’t it? Remember that Christina Aguilera was only paid $1.5 million for her baby photos and it turned out that nobody could be bothered to get excited about them. And since Christina Aguilera is a woman who most people have actually heard of, it wouldn’t seem like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are in for a monster payday.

Cuh. First no free BMW and now a potentially reduced fee for pictures of their baby? Why, it’s almost like nobody really cares about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, isn’t it?

But, however much Pete and Ashlee do end up getting for their baby photos, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz can grow up in the knowledge that his parents got to spend that money on whatever exciting crap they wanted. Not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins, who could only look on helplessly as their parents donated their fee to charity. The stupid charity-loving idiots.

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Don’t know who Adrienne Bailon is? Don’t worry – neither do we! Just know that there are naked Adrienne Bailon photos all over the internet, and there’s supposedly a sex tape on the way too. Best of all, Adrienne Bailon is 25 years old, so you can look at her naked photos without being terrified that the police will find the images on your hard drive and get all Gary Glitter on you.

We’re sure this is hugely embarrassing time for Adrienne Bailon, and the poor girl’s probably worried that these naked photos will spell the end of her career – but there’s no reason for that to happen. Just look at Kim Kardashian – a similar thing happened to her and she managed to last three full weeks on Dancing With The Stars. That’s the big time, Adrienne!

We know this makes us sound old, but naked internet photos of female celebrities just aren’t what they were. Time was you’d be tripping over all sorts of nude photos of everyone from Vanessa Hudgens out of High School Musical to the dull one from Sex And The City to the ginger mannish one from Desperate Housewives.

But now? Now people are so uptight that they throw a tantrum if they see some of Miley Cyrus’ back. That’s hardly the reaction of a rational society, and so we all need to thank Adrienne Bailon with all our hearts for what she’s just done.

You see, naked photos of Adrienne Bailon have appeared on the internet, and they’ve created a sort of perfect naked storm. Here’s why.

Adriene Bailon is one of the stars of Disney’s Cheetah Girls – which means there’s corrupted youth, the tainted reputation of an organisation that prides itself on family appeal and something for the dads. Adrienne Bailon is 25 – which means there isn’t the moral iffyness that you get from gawping at a naked teenager. Adrienne Bailon is also dating Kim Kardashian’s brother – which means there’s an ingrained tradition of getting naked on the internet at work. And, best of all, there’s supposedly an Adrienne Bailon sex tape on the loose as well – which means that she’s definitely a bit dirty and can’t get away with the ‘this was a one-time mistake’ excuse. See? Perfect.

Now, the usual formula of reacting to this sort of thing involves a couple of weeks spent complaining about intrusion of privacy until the girl realises that she can make millions of dollars by agreeing to distribute the sex tape. But that’s not the case with the naked pictures of Adrienne Bailon, because Adrienne is furious enough to sue anyone who distributes her naked photos. Her lawyer has released the following statement:

“The photos that have surfaced of Adrienne Bailon were stolen from her laptop over a week ago at an airport in NY and sent to several media outlets. These photos were taken in private. Adrienne will be pursuing legal action against the person or person’s sending these private photos out. Adrienne is deeply sorry for any pain this may have caused to her fans.“

Honestly, was that really necessary? By all means Adrienne Bailon should sue anyone who tries to distribute these naked photos of her – even though they’ve made her a billion times more famous than she was a couple of weeks go – but come on.

Lawyers are expensive, and it’s silly to waste your money paying them to apologise to your fans. You’re a Cheetah Girl, for crying out loud. How many fans have you got? And don’t count all the randy old pervert fans you’ve picked up in the last couple of days. That’d be cheating.

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Such massive overexposure to a pretty much genderless, pre-pubescent body made everybody outside of the Glitter household puke at the same time. This vomit eventually trickled into the Atlantic, and then floated north until its acidic content had melted all the ice caps, robbing millions of polar bears of their natural hunting grounds, and covering their edible penguins in a filthy, orange coat of watery slime.

Why PETA hasn’t raised more of a stink about this we’ll never know.

Anyway – the guy that did the hacking, well he’d brag online about how the police would never find him because he moved too often. But now he’s been raided by the FBI. We thought this might happen ever since we heard Cyrus would be playing the part of J Edgar Hoover in a sort of West Wing prequel.

What we’re saying is she’s probably well connected.

Miley Cyrus‘ G rating was officially ripped from her the moment some 19-year-old guy guessed her email password and used it to obtain pictures of her apparently three-year-old body posed this way and that. He tried selling these pictures, but celebrity news outlets on the up and up weren’t interested in paying for pictures obtained so illegally. That’s why the guy eventually posted them for free.

The moment this happened a cell in Guantanamo got swept out, its weird brown cake-like substance got chiseled off the toilet, and its bed got draped in surprisingly comfortable new linens. That’s because although he didn’t know it – the Miley-hacker made himself the subject of thousands of FBI round table discussions.

Wired has the down low:

“A 19-year-old hacker who published provocative photos of teen queen Miley Cyrus earlier this year was raided by the FBI Monday morning in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. The hacker, Josh Holly, repeatedly bragged online about breaking into the Disney star’s e-mail account and stealing her photos. He also gave interviews to bloggers and others and boasted that authorities would never find him because he moved so often…

“When agents finally left his apartment after conducting an extensive search, they had three computers and Holly’s phone, among other things.”

While under a heavy interrogation, Holly also confessed to purple-nurpling Raven Symone, dwarf tossing Zack & Cody, and smearing baby wasp eggs all over the insides of Mickey Mouse’s recently pressed underpants.

Authorities are allegedly seeking out animal cruelty charges over that last incident.

Good. Micky is a cherished icon, and his safety is paramount.

But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

Minnie Driver is a rubbish celebrity, and that’s solid fact. She hasn’t been in any decent films since… well, she hasn’t been in any decent films. Her attempts at songwriting all sound like soggy Dido queef. And she’s handled the birth of her baby like – oh God, we think we’re going to throw up – like a civilian.

To be fair, Minnie Driver had a bash at the celebrity baby thing to begin with – when her giant baby was born last month she decided to name it Story. Which sounds good, until you realise that she also called it Henry. That just displays a lack of focus – Henry Story hardly counts as a celebrity name because only half of its name isn’t a real name. Bogantwaii Story we could have dealt with. Grapefruit Story we could have dealt with. Mmmbop Story we could have dealt with. But Henry Story? Ugh. Get out.

And, just to make sure she’s really rubbing our noses in it, Minnie Driver has decided to shun the traditional celebrity pursuit of selling baby pictures to a magazine for millions of dollars in favour of just bunging a snap on MySpace instead. It’s a bloody disgrace. The New York Daily News reports:

Big photo shoot? Psh! Minnie Driver doesn’t roll that way. The notoriously un-Hollywood actress has posted a photo of her infant son Henry Story Driver on MySpace. Driver’s rep told the Daily News on Monday that her client wasn’t trying to make a statement with Henry’s public debut – she simply wanted to share the photo with friends and fans.

That’s right Minnie Driver, you try to be all clever and anti-establishment. See if we care. Look, if we can’t pay a couple of quid for a rubbish magazine just to gawp at a photo of you holding a baby that’s completely identical to every other baby ever born, then we don’t want to look at the poxy thing at all.

And, oh, MySpace. How very modern of you, Minnie Driver! Why didn’t you go the whole hog and post a video of your baby happyslapping a pensioner on YouTube? Huh? Because… OK, actually we would quite like to see that.

Anyway, good for Minnie Driver. She’s proved once again that she doesn’t buy into the trappings of celebrity life easily, and we can’t help but respect her a little bit for that. Although we can’t help feeling that there’s another, much more obvious, reason for her sticking her baby photos on MySpace – celebrity baby apathy.

It’s simple – the public is so fed up of being force-fed celebrity baby photos that they even react with boredom to pictures of the pictures of megastars like Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. And if pictures of famous babies reduce people to boredom, then imagine what they’d do if they saw Minnie Driver’s baby in a magazine. Riots, looting, the messy destruction of civilisation as we know it. No, Minnie Driver deserves a medal for her good citizenship.

The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

There should be a new law enacted that says that famous people must go through a famous people instructional course to teach them how to not be idiots. The main structure of the course would consist of teaching them to always wear undies with a short dress for a night on the town, never let your husband make a movie with Angelina Jolie, and a full semester on how to not let scandalous photos and videos into the hands of money whoring perverts.

The most optimal solution would not be to make them at all, because even if the photos never make it to the press, we all now know they exist, and it makes for a ridiculously exhausting time trying to block any and all images that may be conjured up.

Especially when the photos in question involve a pasty-skinned royal and his girlfriend. According to Great Britian’s The Sun, a couple of guys tried to sell photos of Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, to the paper an hour after the camera was reported missing. Reportedly, Kate Middleton’s presence in the pictures is assumed at this point, seeing as Price William’s teeth obscure most of her face in all of the shots.

According to The Sun, the pictures apparently held some “sexy snaps” of the couple on vacation in the Caribbean. It seems that any other detailed alliterations were withheld before the publication turned the photos in to London’s Metropolitan Police.

We hope that Prince Willy and his girlfriend will be more careful in the future. Additionally, we hope and pray that any photos of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles that may exist will never be revealed, but since any pictures of them probably disintegrate instantly, we should all be safe.

Right? We’re safe, right??

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon have really captured the world’s imagination since they were born earlier this month. They’re rich, they’re famous, they’re a little bit French and they’re probably the focus of up to eight or nine separate opportunistic kidnapping plots. What’s not to love?

Well, how about the fact that we don’t know what they bloody look like for starters? For all we know Vivienne Marcheline has a hand for a nose and Knox Leon looks like a giant boggle-eyed manatee.

Some brave members of the paparazzi have been trying to help us all out, though, by secretly sneaking into Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s French estate and taking pictures without anyone finding out. These gallant photographers deserve our praise on two counts, firstly because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy kicking the paparazzi’s arse whenever they can, and secondly because it’s probably a bit illegal.

However, don’t start getting excited by the prospect of any Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie baby action just yet, because Brad has caught wind of these secretly-taken photos, and he’s just about ready to shit out an aneurysm about it. E! Online reports:

The actor’s attorney is threatening legal action against any media outlet that publishes photos snapped “surreptitiously” of Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their family, including new twins Knox and Vivienne, on the grounds of their French estate. “The taking of the Photos constitutes a malicious violation of Mr. Pitt’s privacy, including under the laws of California and France,” the attorney says.

We have to admit that we’re a little bit outraged by Brad Pitt’s threats to sue anyone who prints photos of his babies.

True, the photos do probably constitute a serious breach of privacy, and as a result Brad and Angelina will live the rest of their lives in a paranoid fug of hounded terror, but isn’t it every human’s right to be able to glance at a picture of a famous baby, mumble about it only looking like a sodding baby and forget about it instantly?

Apparently not. And anyway, it is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s right to keep the identity of their new babies a secret, not just because of the obvious security threat but because the children haven’t asked to be photographed. They’re just unconsenting pawns in all of this, and it’d be unfair to take advantage otherwise. It’s not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to sell photos of the twins to the highest bidder, is it?

Oh wait…

She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

Jessica Alba really couldn’t have picked a worse time to have her baby, could she? Usually when a female celebrity has a baby, their profile shoots up and everyone thinks they’re wonderful, but that hasn’t really happened with Jessica Alba.

The truth is that people don’t care too much about Jessica Alba’s baby because they’re all babied-out. Nicole Kidman had a baby and Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby and Angelina Jolie had two babies and so just even thinking about Jessica Alba’s baby makes people want to hurt themselves, to be honest. It makes them want to hurt themselves in the eyes.

However, although Jessica Alba is so bland that she can’t drum up attention towards her baby without falling back on the old sexy talk, young Honor Marie had a genius wheeze up her sleeve – she made sure that she was born with an adult male’s haircut.

Perfect – and with a USP like rampant man-hair, Jessica Alba managed to sell her baby photos to OK! magazine for a cool $1.5 million. The fact that Honor Marie was born looking like a model in a poster on the wall of a small-town British barbershop in the mid-1980s wasn’t really brought up in the accompanying interview, but we know. We all know.

Anyway, Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren told OK!:

“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…” “Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.” “Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”

What? Cash Warren would kill himself if his daughter looked like Jessica Alba? If she looked like his own famously beautiful wife? What an odd thing to say. Does that mean:

a) Cash Warren would kill himself because he thinks that Jessica Alba is really ugly?

b) Cash Warren would kill himself in advance so he wouldn’t have to deal with the boyfriends that a girl who looks like Jessica Alba would inevitably be swamped with? Or

c) Cash Warren would kill himself out of shame for finding his daughter attractive?

We genuinely don’t know, but it’s a weird quote to put in an interview accompanying the first public pictures of your child. Imagine in 20 years time when the family are reminiscing together: “Shall we look at your baby photos, Honor Marie?” “What, the ones in the magazine where Dad threatened suicide for no discernible reason? No, I’m OK without, ta.”

In fact, between that and the weird Roger The Dodger haircut that the stylist has decided to give Honor Marie, it might be a good idea if Jessica Alba put her copy of the magazine in the bottom of a drawer and just forgot about it forever.

Read more:

Jessica Alba’s Dream Baby – OK!

Tish tosh, people, nothing of the sort. In fact, not even Miley Cyrus’ constant media saturation is enough for her – which is why she appears to be chronicling her entire life with photographs in an incredibly regimented way. Even the part of her life that involves posing in the shower in just a wet white T-shirt.

That’s right – photos of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus standing under a shower in just a wet T-shirt have been doing the internet rounds. It’s about the 15th set of embarrassingly provocative photos that Miley Cyrus has had to deal with, but it’s by no means the worst – rumour has it there’s a candid snap somewhere of Miley enjoying and dancing to her father’s song Achy Breaky Heart. That’d just finish her career instantly.

The best thing about Miley Cyrus isn’t her ability to galvanise entire generations into thoughtlessly buying everything she’s involved in, it’s that she never learns.

Seriously, Miley Cyrus is like a goldfish or a sitcom character when it comes to taking stuff onboard. Admittedly it’d be quite a creepy sitcom about a very young teenage girl with an obsession about taking her clothes off in any situation she can think off, but it still counts.

For example, it wasn’t so long ago that photos of Miley Cyrus rolling on a boy’s lap in her pants found their way onto the internet. They were shocking, and Miley Cyrus was sorry – so sorry that she posed sort-of topless for Vanity Fair weeks later. Those pictures were shocking, and Miley Cyrus was sorry – so sorry that she’s taken a bunch of photos of herself posing in the shower wearing just a see-through wet T-shirt. Fox reports:

A purported photo of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus posing in the shower while wearing a white T-shirt is circulating the web. The photo was allegedly obtained by a hacker at DigitalGangster.com, who reportedly accessed the actress’s cell phone memory. When asked about the photos, Cyrus’ rep, Jill Fritzo, would only say “Old photos, old news.”

We think we can safely say on everyone’s behalf – phew. These aren’t new photos of Miley Cyrus at all. Breathe a sigh of relief folks – you’re not looking at photos of a 15-year-old girl in the shower. You’re looking at photos of a 14 or possibly 13-year-old girl in the shower. Panic over.

But as shocking and a little off-putting as these new Miley Cyrus shower photos are, the man who claims to have hacked them from Miley’s phone says there are far worse ones to come. Lord alone knows kind of depravity will be contained in those photos, but we’ve drawn up a shortlist of the most likely scenarios:

*A Vanessa Hudgens-style naked photo of Miley Cyrus.

*A photo of Miley Cyrus dressed up like a full-blown S&M dominatrix with her high-heeled boot crushing a man’s testicles.

*Images of Miley Cyrus both looking and acting her age for once.

We know the last one sounds far-fetched, but we’re through the looking glass here, people.

But try telling that to Disney. Even though she seems more comfortable these days posing vulnerably under satin sheets and draping herself over her father’s lap in an uncomfortably sexual way, Miley Cyrus is still one of Disney’s biggest cash cows. And that’s why the corporation has refused to scrap Miley’s upcoming concert set for Saturday.

However, in a nod to the effect of the scandal and her new audience, Disney has staged a last-minute change of venue for the concert. Now, instead of performing at the sun-dappled Disney World Resort in Orlando, Miley Cyrus will be appearing at a grotty underground basement in front of an audience comprised soley of raincoat-wearing middle-aged, yellow-eyed, nicotine-stained Frenchmen.

Miley Cyrus has been at the centre of a gigantic shitstorm this week. Those not-quite topless Miley Cyrus photos in Vanity Fair have been perhaps the most controversial photos published since those regrettable hecklerspray/ strap-on/ farmyard animal/ nun/ cheesecake snaps of 2004.

The fallout from the Miley Cyrus topless photo scandal has been so red-hot that it’s been inescapable. Photographer Annie Leibovitz has been blamed, Miley Cyrus’ parents have been blamed, the news media has endlessly discussed the fine line between art and manipulation of children, and it’s meant that we’ve all had plenty of chances to see what Miley Cyrus looks like with her top off whether we want to or not.

But one thing’s for certain. Long gone is the old Miley Cyrus, the Miley Cyrus who’d sell a billion records with her fresh-faced wholesome grin and fortunate inability to get pregnant. And in her place is a brand-new, all grown-up Miley Cyrus who isn’t afraid to explore her sexuality in public even though she’s legally not allowed to be sexually active at all until November 2010.

But tell that to Disney. To Disney, Miley Cyrus is the big-eyed redneck face of Hannah Montana who makes them enough money to keep their diamond-encrusted jetski practice pools topped up with fresh unicorn tears all the time.

It doesn’t matter that the wheels are already starting to fall off the Miley Cyrus train, and that this topless photo scandal looks set to destroy Miley’s career for good. If anything, it just means that Miley Cyrus needs to work twice as hard to make Disney as much money as possible before she becomes just another washed up former child star. And that’s why Disney is still wheeling Miley Cyrus out to Disney World this weekend to sing and dance like a monkey on Saturday. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed that the 15-year-old, who has been working in Nashville this week on her upcoming Hannah Montana movie, will go forward as planned with a special concert set to take place at (where else?) the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday. As far as Cyrus’ participation continuing as scheduled, Disney spokeswoman Brenda Kelly Grant told E! News that “nothing has changed on our production.”

Actually, maybe Disney has a point. The more it lingers on those Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photos, the bigger deal it becomes. It’s probably for the best, in fact, that Miley Cyrus ploughs on through as normal, because the pictures will be easily resigned to the past soon enough if she refuses to listen to all the kneejerk outcry coming from smallminded fools.

Plus this way Miley Cyrus gets to use the concert to try out her new songs I’m Just A Sexy Schoolgirl, Can I Lick Your Lollipop? and Wow Daddy (Your Arms Are So Big).

Read more:

Miley Still Working for the Mouse – E! Online

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her – so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word – instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

We’ve just invented a new rule by which to live our lives – we’ll never ever let Annie Leibovitz take our photo. Look at her track record – Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of John Lennon, John Lennon gets shot. Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of the Queen, the controller of BBC1 has to resign. Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of Miley Cyrus, everyone gets so offended that their eyes shrivel up and their brains explode. It’s a pattern, that’s for sure.

The new edition of Vanity Fair shows an Annie Leibovitz picture of Miley Cyrus topless, or at least topless if it weren’t for both of her arms and a giant blanket that covers 90% of her body. Not really topless at all, come to think of it, but that hasn’t stopped Disney Channel spokesmen and outraged groups from frothing and wailing about exploitation and the loss of innocence and child manipulation and whatnot.

However, even though Miley Cyrus and Miley Cyrus’ parents and some of Miley Cyrus’ representatives were present during this ‘topless’ photoshoot and were able to see exactly what all the pictures looked like as they were being taken, Miley Cyrus has already apologised to her fans, claiming that she was somehow tricked into posing for them.

So that puts the blame squarely at the feet of Annie Leibovitz, right? She’s the evil monster who took the photos, so what does she have to say for herself? Is she sorry for being such a child-manipulating witch? Is she? Huh? Turns out she sort of is a bit, as OK reports:

In a statement released on Monday, Annie said: “I’m sorry that my portrait of Miley has been misinterpreted. Miley and I looked at fashion photographs together and we discussed the picture in that context before we shot it. The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful.”

Beautiful? Ugh, you massive paedo-fetishist! It’s a picture of a mostly-dressed teenager, for god’s sake! That’s sick and disgusting and it might end up slightly reducing the absurd tidal wave of cash that Miley Cyrus has created for Disney! Won’t you think of Disney, Annie Leibovitz, you disgusting monster? What’s Disney going to do for money now? The Aristocats 2? You make us sick, Annie Leibovitz. Sick.

However, if you’re a 15-year-old girl reading this, be sure to take this very important moral from the story: never let a world-renowned photographer take your picture. Feel free to take amateur photos of yourself rolling around in your underwear and upload them onto the internet, because nobody seems to mind too much about those. Just don’t have any less risque ones taken professionally, OK?

Read more:

MILEY PHOTOS WERE ‘MISINTERPRETED’ – OK

As if the recent internet photos of Miley Cyrus whipping her bra out around rolling on a boy’s lap in her underwear weren’t enough, now the web is abuzz with a brand new picture – a picture that shows Miley Cyrus completely topless, or at least as topless as you can be when you’re covered in a blanket. And what’s more, this topless Miley Cyrus photo was taken for well-known spank rag Vanity Fair by that filthy pornographer Annie Leibovitz.

OK, so what actually happened was that one of the world’s most famous photographers took a picture of Miley Cyrus that isn’t really very naked in the slightest. But, hey, that hasn’t stopped Miley Cyrus from apologising for it, the stupid teenage twit.

Miley Cyrus is on a downward spiral and no mistake. Formerly a fresh-faced young tween sensation responsible for the entire Hannah Montana juggernaut, Miley Cyrus was the wholesome poster girl who, despite occasional glimpses of harmless sass, was a good child who loved her parents. And, given that one of those parents is rat-tailed chuffwit Billy Ray Cyrus, that made Miley Cyrus very special indeed.

But then things started to go awry. First Miley Cyrus didn’t wear a seatbelt in public, and then – as these things tend to do – that snowballed and snowballed until Miley Cyrus got her bra out on the internet. But luckily, Miley Cyrus’ run of irresponsible behaviour ended right there and she never did anything controversial ever again.

Except, you know, all those topless photos Miley Cyrus had taken for Vanity Fair. Did we mention those?

Yes, it looks like Miley Cyrus has had a topless photo done. Honestly, talk about bad timing – this is probably the worst timing that we’ve ever seen involving the publication of a 15-year-old girl’s topless photos. Or at least it would be if Miley Cyrus was actually, you know, topless in any of them.

Recently Miley Cyrus was interviewed for Vanity Fair magazine, and posed for photos with Annie Leibovitz – the woman responsible for one of the most famous photos of all time, plus the photo that made the Queen get all pretend-spazzy last year.

And, as well as being taken by a respected artist for a well-renowned magazine, none of Miley Cyrus pictures are actually topless. The most revealing photo shows Miley wrapped in a blanket with both of her arms covering everything that could be considered as even slightly indecent. So it’s all a bit of a storm in a teacup, really – one that’s been whipped up by kneejerking reactionaries with nothing better to do. In fact, Miley Cyrus would be acting like the worst kind of backtracking celebrity arsehole to apologise to these idiots.

So Miley Cyrus has apologised for the topless photos. Did we mention that? People reports:

“My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.” … In its own statement about the Vanity Fair story, the Disney Channel, which broadcasts Cyrus’s series Hannah Montana, said: “Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

Yeah, how dare Vanity Fair manipulate an innocent 15-year-old girl, and also manipulate her parents and minders who were present during the photoshoot as well and who saw the images as they were being taken thanks to the wonders of digital photography. Sneaky bastards.

It’s all quite ridiculous, but it’s given us an idea for a brilliant new game. Next time Miley Cyrus goes out wearing, say, green shoes, we’re going to bitch and wail and kick up a stink about the fact that Miley Cyrus is wearing green shoes like a slut and that she’s only 15 for god’s sake and a role-model to millions. If enough people complain with us, maybe we can force an apology out of Miley Cyrus for that, too. Maybe she’ll even insinuate that she was tricked into wearing green shoes by an evil adult again. Brilliant!

Anyway, despite all the fuss, these ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus photos might even be good for her career in the long run – look what happened after Lindsay Lohan had those topless photos taken.

Yeah, we’re basically saying that we want to see Miley Cyrus get apeshit drunk in a club. What of it?

Read more:

Miley Cyrus: I’m Sorry for Photos – People

Image: Vanity Fair/ Annie Leibovitz